Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So we are just about in hell month for us, and it marks the end/beginning of another year without Claytie. Two years now without the very best person in our world, and it feels both like a life time and like it was just yesterday!

I will never ever forget the day our world changed. I try not to relive it too often, because the conscious nightmares are far worse than the sleeping ones, but every so often I need to play it out to make sure that I remember it right – not that I could ever forget! – and thank you if you’ve been a shoulder and ear for me on those days that I have needed to talk out loud about the details…. It feels like the only concrete way to convince myself that this isn’t some kind of weird altered reality. It’s kind of the glue holding all of the fractured old and new parts of myself together.

This year I decided to be proactive (and I’m not sure that’s the right word??) and to get in early. I took a whole bunch of time off, pretty much the entire month- last year I only gave myself those big dates and it didn’t work out so well for me. They ended up feeling so very different than I had anticipated, some slightly more expected and others that took me absolutely by surprise and flooring me with their impact. I really didn’t want to be surprised again, but imagine I will be, and by different things this year. That seems to be kind of how this rollercoaster works. The twists and turns and sinking feelings come from nowhere and steal your breath in the hardest ways.

This year I am also taking myself far away for the worst of those dates for me, my wedding anniversary. Last year I was only thinking about Clayties death anniversary and how hard that first one would be. I did not acknowledge ahead of time the fact that my 26th wedding anniversary would be without my husband. That day and my first birthday without him, making me older than he will ever get to be, were that days that broke me.

I will be travelling overseas this year, with a friend who is coming to the end of her first year without her husband. We are going to Malaysia for 10 days and will be making new memories. I will be away for what was my worst day last year, but home for the ones that we need to spend as a family… and we have our own new tradition for those that I am almost looking forward to this year – which is not something I ever thought I would say!

I do have to say that I am really conflicted about my feelings around this trip… on the one hand I’m super excited. It’s a place I have never been and I’m excited for the adventure. I am travelling with a friend who knows the area incredibly well and who has a lot of friends over there. I already know that I will have incredible stories to tell, and I’m looking forward to writing those, but the other part of me is really nervous. Is this a good idea? I have never been somewhere this new to me without Claytie, and I am really, really shit with flying – I am not the person you want to sit next to on a plane!! Should I be going away leading up to Clayties anniversary? How will the boys go? How hard will it be to support my friend for the big things that she needs to do on this trip – some of her husbands ashes are coming with us to be left in a place that brought them huge happiness. Will she be ok, and how will we go travelling together?

Not all of this stuff is rational, and I know that; but this is how my anxiety manifests. I guess all I can do and continue to do, is go with the things that feel the best at the time. It’s been the only way I have got through every other day since my world changed.

I recently read a book that I wish had come my way last year. I plan on buying several more copies of it to give to people that I think need to read it. It is called ‘The Hot Young Widows Club’ by Nora McInerny. It could 100% be my story, although it’s not just about grieving the loss of a spouse. It is a book that everyone should read. At some point in our lives we are all going to lose significant people, and that loss rearranges the way you look at everything.

I know that the process of grieving is so very different for every single person, and yet we kind of all do the same thing. It has been absolutely the hardest, strangest thing I’ve ever had to go through… and it has no end date. I have constantly surprised myself with the things I have done and felt on this journey. In some cases I have managed an absolute reversal of opinions that I thought were firmly mine and come out on the side that I have previously disparaged. I have done things I never could have imagined ‘before’. And I very much define myself as ‘before’ and ‘after’. I have met people that have only come into my world because of my loss, but now that they are part of my world, I can’t imagine not knowing them. Each day is a new coming to terms with my life now, and I consciously try to chose what I want that to look like – albeit not always successfully!

This book for me is one that I wish I could have had before our world imploded. It’s almost like a ‘what to expect’ guide and has been completely accurate or me. It should be handed out at funerals for people to understand the enormity of what the death of their person actually means. I can imagine it would be invaluable for the family of someone with a terminal diagnosis in palliative care. It is feelings and advice and it speaks the kind of sense that seems to disappear along with the person who died. It has validated my experience til now and I know that it will still be true for me in the future.

So I had something of a crazy weekend doing all sorts of fun things that may or may not end up being posted about haha… (my mum reads this!). But my favourite thing was taking myself down to the beach for the morning, bright and early on Sunday.

I hadn’t planned on that being the thing that I did, but woke up at 6 and decided that my feet needed to feel sand and ocean, so off I went! It was spectacular! Freezing cold, I think it only got to about 12°C while I was there, but the sky was blue and the surf was wild. I took myself for a big, long walk, listening to a meditation app, followed by brekky in the surf club.

My absolutely favourite part about the morning tho was watching whales playing just behind the shark nets, incredibly close to shore. They were magnificent and plentiful. It was such a joyful thing watching them, and also seeing the enjoyment of my fellow diners and their kids catching glimpses and squealing.

I loved the whole thing so much that I booked to do another whale watching experience this week! This time I found a friend to come with me, and the nerves around motion sickness were not nearly as bad as the first time I did it! Plenty of travel calm, pressure point bands and ginger bikkies… I was good to go!

We set off bright and early- the German in me needing to get there with plenty of time to spare! Following some brekky, and contemplation of the morning ahead, we were able to board, and decided to sit right up on the top deck. Rugged up in warm jackets and scarves off we went! The sun was shining, the waves were big and the whales took a little while to find, but when we did they were abundant. We spent about an hour or so floating in the middle of a 9 (or so) pod of juvenile humpback whales. They were fabulous!

We were so close to them that you could hear them every time they came up to breathe. It was a sound that raised goosebumps and I’ll never forget. It was hard to know where to look – they were all around us, and at least 200 photos were taken to be sorted through later. It was ‘feel-alive’ magic, and I’m pretty sure I’ll go at least a couple more times this season. It was absolutely the perfect way to spend a day off… if you’ve never had the chance to go you should definitely add it to your bucket list xx

So I mentioned the other week that a friend of mine had set me up to go on a blind date with a colleague of his. I okayed the exchanging of phone numbers, and the chap and I stared chatting. He seemed nice enough and the conversation was not difficult to maintain…. Talking to some people can be like pulling teeth, this did not feel like that.

We decided that an actual meeting should probably happen, and a date was arranged. It was going to be convenient for both of us to meet after work and before trivia as that venue is close to his work, and I was going there anyway for my favourite weekly outing. We would have a chat over a drink and then go our seperate way for the evening…. He suggested joining our team for the night and was a little bit put out when I said he didn’t meet our criteria – we came together out of the Widow Support Group! -but was still happy to meet me there. A reasonable plan I thought!?

Apparently not… just as I was entering the car park for the venue, my phone indicated I had received a message. My new friend decided that he would prefer to work overtime and was not going to get there. I got stood up! … and adding insult to injury, given the time of day, there was no point in me going home only to turn around and come back. It meant that I had 2 1/2 hours in the car park to stew on it. All I can say is thank goodness for the snacks left in my lunch bag and the kindle app on my phone! The friend who set us up also got a talking to!

I did ponder whether a second chance should be given, and being the nice person that I am (and with nothing else planned at that stage haha) three days later we tried again. A different venue chosen, again after work for convenience, and every assurance given that this time he would actually turn up!

I was a bit nervous… it is definitely a weird thing meeting someone that you don’t know much about – whether it’s a date set up by a friend or an online arrangement. The date was nice, conversation was easy and quite varied…and two hours passed easily enough. I’m not sure that we have a whole lot in common, but it was not an unpleasant experience. I can tell you that there will not be another date with him though… he is not really my type -and my mother has recently commented more than once or twice that I absolutely have a type! I’m also not really cut out to deal with the huge amount of baggage he was bringing along – launching immediately into the hows and why’s of his last relationship breakdown! There is a line between what’s ok and what is entirely too much!

I am definitely very open to meeting new people… whichever way that happens! It’s all part of the adventure that I’m currently living! I’ve met some incredibly interesting people, some just for a coffee, others a couple of times, and one or two that I’m really enjoying spending time with! There have of course also been the duds! There have been some hard situations and difficult conversations as I’m figuring out what I’m looking for which is also an evolving thing. Initially I thought I wanted one thing, but now I’m not so sure it fits me anymore. I’m not giving up, and on the whole I’m quite enjoying the experience – not all of which is rated for publication (haha)… so in the spirit of that thought, feel free to keep me in mind if you know someone that you think I should meet!

I’m a little bit stuck on what to write about this week…. In lots of ways its been quiet compared to my normal, and in other ways, not at all! I guess this will just be rambling thoughts for now.

I have been pondering the fact that I am someone that adds a side of complaints to pretty near everything! We all know it, and I think it’s unlikely to change any time soon. I’ve always been a complainer… my mum used to tell me to write a list for her when I was little and pissed off about something. I would write an extensive list filled with all of my gripes, and then sign it off with love.

I do feel like I’m mostly a positive person and I am so aware of the complaining side of me that half the time I’m taking the piss out of myself while I’m laughing about it! This weeks main complaint is about the lingering covid cough that has decided to invade my body… it is driving me (and everyone around me) completely crazy! If anyone has any good suggestions for getting rid of it, please please let me know!

One thing I am not complaining about for now tho, is the change of weather here. We have gone from almost constant rain for a month to icy cold! It’s soo nice to see blue sky for a change, and how nice is it to pull out jumpers and scarves again! I love the cold weather so much more than hot and humid… although neither is particularly great for my hair! …And I will complain about it soon enough I’m sure!

What else can I tell you!?… I probably shouldn’t be left unsupervised for too long or I do crazy things like impulsively get a tattoo! I have seen the image a few times before, I have it saved in my phone at least twice and always liked the shape and the meaning. So when a friend bailed on a catch up the other day and the picture popped up in my newsfeed, I just decided why not! I paid a lot more than I should have – but I got it done there and then. I am now the proud owner of the Sanskrit symbol for breathe on my right arm. My mum is not really impressed, but I love it.

In other news, I have a friend that is trying to set me up on a blind date with a work colleague. I think I’m ok with it – I’ve okayed the passing on of phone numbers anyway, but it does seem weird. The idea of someone knowing both of us and thinking we might be a good match?! I’ll keep you posted on how that all works out! I have also reconnected with an old friend and gone out a couple of times which has been a whole lot of fun and I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens with that! The whole situation feels a bit like juggling at the moment, but it’s also kind of fun!

Between the boys and I there are a couple of big thing in the pipeline, but none of them are ready to be shared yet… watch this space, there are good things coming!

So in the vein of ‘how come this stuff happens to me’… I have a (I think quite funny) story to tell.

Recently I have been out and about socialising with different people for different things and have caught taxis and Ubers…. I know, this shouldn’t be anything new, but it is for me! In my world ‘before’, I never needed to. I would either not drink and drive myself, or Claytie was there to be the designated driver. My boys think I’m all kinds of odd about it all, and that’s ok!

Now, I’m not really sure what the protocol is for everyone else, but I like to chat with people so I usually start a conversation with my driver. Sometimes this is successful, sometimes not, and sometimes it is just straight up weird!

I have had the typical – and I do hate to stereotype – but sometimes you have to!? – Indian or Pakistani gentlemen, who are really not interested in a whole lot of conversation – perhaps language is a barrier!? These rides are a bit of a disappointment to me.. it hardly makes for a good story does it!?

I have had a ride following a music festival that got half way to home, only for my fellow passenger (you know who you are!) to realise that they had lost some property, which meant turning around to retrieve said property before starting again (motion sickness was an issue for me that time). That drive also involved a conversation/lecture about the taxi vs Uber debate… interesting!

Not so long ago, I was coming home from West End and had the most entertaining, delightful driver and we laughed the entire way home. He was flamboyantly gay, with super long manicured nails, fabulous hair and gorgeous make up… our conversation was wide ranging and super fun! I genuinely felt like I made a new friend! It was absolutely one of my favourite trips ever and I was sad when it was over!

Most recently tho, I was returning from a hens day lunch in James Street. I got in the car and said hello and the conversation started immediately. We began with politics – obvious given our recent election. The driver asked loads of questions and I had a fabulous time giving my views. He is a recently arrived (2years) permanent resident from Iran, here on a student visa wanting to become a dentist. He shared some of his story and I shared some of mine. It was enjoyable and entertaining and I was having fun until things took an interesting turn about 500m from home. He told me that the had also enjoyed our conversation and would love to continue it… on a date some time!

It seems that I am exactly his type, in spite of the 14 year age gap… I guess (?) I am flattered – he thought I looked like I was in my mid 30’s rather than late 40’s – it was dark and I had a mask on! Haha …can I say bless?!? He has followed up the initial date suggestion with several text messages, and while I admire his enthusiasm this is not a date that I will be attending.

My boys are mortified both that it happened and that I think it’s hysterical! A friend of mine now makes Uber, driving or car jokes every time I talk to her, and I just think: Wow! It’s a whole new world for me! Everyday is a new adventure and while they are not all fun, some of them absolutely make me laugh!

I’ve been keeping a secret for a little while now, but I’ve been told it’s ok to tell….For my birthday this year I got the very best present that I have ever received! My oldest son and his now wife presented me with a card that said simply: HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!

I’m sure most of you can imagine my reaction… I looked at the card, and then I looked at them and then I promptly burst into tears!… great, heaving sobs actually! Because my first thought after registering what I had read and my happiness about it, was how unfair that Claytie isnt here for this!!!

Claytie was the most baby oriented person I have ever known! If there was a small person in the same space as Claytie, he would do everything in his power to engage with them. He would be the most silly, crazy lunatic, pulling all kinds of faces and trying to get a smile or better yet a giggle! If we were going to see friends with babies or young kids, Claytie would stop on the way there to get lollies or something else to make sure he was the favourite person. – it never failed!

He was an amazing dad, and would do anything for the boys! He adored being hands on at all stages… parenthood for him was fun, and he made it fun for me. I know that being a grandad was something he was looking forward to as much as I have, although he probably wouldn’t have admitted it if you asked him.

And now we have a new little person coming into our world, a little person that he would be obsessed with… and he isn’t here to enjoy this new phase. It’s not fair! … and at the same time as processing all of that, I’m deliriously happy that I get to be Granny, that my son gets to experience all of the things that make up the fabulous thing that is parenthood.

I can’t wait to see what kind of parents my kids will be. I would like to think that they have had some pretty great examples around them, and that some of that will have rubbed off. I can’t wait to see what this new little person will look like and what their personality will be. I can’t wait to be Granny and find out what that new next looks like- it’s an adventure that I’m excited about and really looking forward to!

So this week has been huge for my family… My oldest son got married! A big thing to say, and a big day to experience – I was going to say a big day to get through, but that makes it sound like a chore and it most definitely was not that. It was incredibly happy, and bittersweet, and emotional. It had all the feels!

This day was originally supposed to happen in May 2020, but with Covid and then Claytie dying and our world imploding, everything got put on hold. Two years later, here we are! The lead up to the big day was fairly low key in our house. The boys only worked out what they were wearing the day before, with ironing of things happening right up until the last minute, and that includes the groom!

It was nice to spend the morning all together getting ready in the family home. The usual banter and crap talk between the boys, both frustrating and lovely to listen to. My anxiety around the day coming in waves, alternating laughter and tears missing Claytie but knowing he would be so incredibly proud of his boys.

We were supposed to maxi-taxi our way in to the venue, but a technological hitch meant we had to scramble two Ubers at the last minute. – entirely my fault, but it all worked out in the end… our venue for today was a beautiful restaurant in a heritage listed building in Woolloongabba, with several different spaces for us to use.

The ceremony was lovely. Simple and straightforward forward just like our couple. They both looked super happy and the bride was beautiful in her dress. A photo of Claytie as a tribute looking over the proceedings, and both mums as the witnesses for the paperwork. It was a hard thing to be there without my person, but I am so happy for my son and his lovely wife. They deserved the beautiful day that they had, and soo many more days to come!

Plenty of Family photos and then a proper party to celebrate. We were not a big group, only 30 of us there. It was lovely to chat and mingle, meeting the new family and catching up with the couples close friends from school; lots of laughing and telling of funny stories. A truly joyful time. Heartfelt words spoken by Clayties dad just before the cutting of the cake meant plenty of tears from me – certainly not the first for the day (And I was not alone with the tears either!)

I know Claytie would be so proud of our boys, and the men that they have become- I absolutely am. Times like these are incredibly bittersweet and hard to get through, but also happy and joyful and beautiful. It’s a crazy, messed up confusing world we live in, but for us today, we had a little moment of perfect. I wish my son and his wife a lifetime of love and happy memories…

So nothing about this week has gone in any way to plan. Covid 19 hit our house hard! The boys, their girlfriends and I all came down with it in varying degrees and to say it’s been miserable is something of an understatement.

Testing started on a Tuesday and was negative until Thursday when the first couple of people went down. The rest of us followed on the Saturday and almost as soon as the positive result showed up so did the full on illness. It has not been fun! Between us we have had almost all of the signs and symptoms that you hear about.. pounding headache, sinus pain, snot, coughing, chest tightness, fever and muscle aching….and of course fatigue and brain fog. Thankfully it seems that you do start to feel better around day 3-4, but be careful not to over do it… the fatigue is real!

For me, I don’t think have ever been quite so unwell. Initially I had thought I would get a whole lot of stuff done in the house – cupboard cleaning etc. A nice little week off! It turns out, I spent almost the entire week in bed and didn’t do so much as a load of washing. The ongoing rain situation that we find ourselves in (again!) made it the perfect weather for staying in bed.

The gloomy outside did come inside tho, and highlighted the feeling of aloneness that is always there since Claytie died. Don’t get me wrong, I have had plenty of offers from friends and family to help us with shopping and medication etc, all of which has been incredibly helpful and appreciated but all I have wanted this week is for my person to be here with me and give me a hug!

Feeling miserable makes you miserable, and I haven’t much liked myself this week! Hopefully now that the worst is over, life can go back to the normal that we are getting to know!

Whooweeee… well, that’s one week down in the new job! My brain is full to over flowing and I feel like I could sleep for at least the whole weekend – maybe longer!? … that’s unlikely to happen given my insomnia, but you never know! As anticipated, my anxiety was pretty high all week, and there were definitely tears and snot – more than once! I have about a million names to remember, not to mention all of the new processes, and getting lost in the building is very real for me…but so far it feels ok I think!

The boys are all doing good things at the moment, and we are all counting down to a big date toward the end of May when my oldest son gets married. The wedding should have happened in 2020, but Covid happened and then our world imploded. Everything stopped for a little while, but slowly and surely we are adjusting to this new world. It’s hard, and bittersweet, but there are also happy moments that make it ok.

In my world, the dating side of things feels more challenging at the moment… The fellow I’ve been seeing came along for my birthday karaoke evening a few weeks ago. Poor man had a baptism of fire meeting a whole crowd – including most of my boys, my parents and one of my sisters and of course friends, all at once. I was incredibly nervous, but he handled himself extremely well, and when I checked with him afterwards said that he had a nice time. It feels nice to have passed that hurdle/milestone (?)… it definitely felt like a big deal to me and I’m really happy it went so well.

I really like spending time with him. He makes me feel good, conversation is always easy and he makes me laugh. But here is where the challenge comes in… he is super busy at the moment with big changes happening at his work (ones that hopefully mean he becomes somewhat less busy) and I am also pretty busy.. now throw in that he lives about an hour away and is not the greatest at messaging and you start to see the difficulty! I am lucky if we can manage to see each other a couple of times a week at this stage and that usually involves a whole lot of planning.

I like him and I want to see what this is and where it goes, but I seem to always be second guessing myself and creating all sorts of scenarios in my head which drives me insane! It’s a very different feeling for me when I compare it to what I had (not the people, but the situation). Claytie and I were together for such a long time and from such a young age, I never had to question my place in the relationship. It’s disconcerting navigating this kind of insecurity and not knowing what it all means. It’s also something that seems to ebb and flow with my general anxiety! … I am sure I am not the only one going through this stuff, there are plenty of single people in the world! I can only speak for myself, and I have to say it’s a weird place to be!

Are there rules for this stuff? What is normal and what raises flags… are there flags to be raised!? I’m almost certain that like everything else, there isn’t really a right or wrong, and I can only go with what my gut tells me is ok…. And while I have to say that most of my days are spent confused about pretty much everything that’s happening to me and around me, on the whole I’m in a pretty positive place right now! Guess all I can do is sit back, hold tight and see where the rollercoaster takes me next!