Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So I have a couple of friends who have or are working for the Queensland Fire Service, and my nieces partner is currently in training. I very much admire them for the work they do! It’s a tough job… and can be pretty scary!

I drove past a house fire last year (and stopped to call 000) and couldn’t believe the speed, the noise and the heat that came out of it! Two people died that day, but the Firefighters just went in and did what they do!

Any way, the point of this story is not necessarily to hero worship (but I do a little bit!), but to tell you how awesome those friendships can be when you’re Grandma Birdie with a Squish to impress!!

One of my friends was working at the station just down the road from my place the other day, and I was able to organise for the Squish (along with his parents and one of the uncles) to go to the ‘fire truck station’ and have a look at the action!

The team were so lovely showing Squish the truck, letting him sit in the drivers seat, explaining the radios and gear and just letting him soak it all in! The little man didn’t really know how to take it all in, but was super happy to be there! Unfortunate, just when the hose came out to water the garden, the station got a call out… not to worry tho, we got to see them get ready in a hurry, load out and drive out with bells and whistles (lights and sirens) going!

It was such a fun afternoon – Ive been on a high for a couple of days after…. I have a million photos of the afternoon and the Squish has a memory we will talk about for a long time! … I also have an invitation to take him again!! Thank you to my friend and his team for making this Birdie and her Squish super happy!

I have just come home from the most fabulous spontaneous weekend away in Yamba. Originally, I had nothing planned for the weekend other than some chores around the house, but was chatting with my friend on Friday at lunchtime, he had a house full of people and invited me to come as well and stay at his place in Yamba.

I drove down (about 3 1/2 hours) on Friday after work – via home to pack a bag, and stopped at Brunswick Heads for a pit stop and a drink with another friend. It was a super busy place with a whole lot happening with school holiday fun, and it is definitely on my list of places to go back to!

I made it to Yamba and met all of the house guests – a new flat mate and his sister and two of her friends, and I heard all about their plans for the weekend. There was a whole lot happening in town for a big ocean swim race day/weekend. They are all ocean swimmers, and were there to participate.

My friend and I left them all to it, and took his van to sleep at the beach .. I have never thought of myself as a camper, but sleeping in the van at the beach is something else! It has become one of my favourite things to do! Every time I come home I start searching for cheap vans so I can get into it, and then I remember that I’m probably not brave enough to camp on my own, and also that I probably can’t afford it! Hahaha

Day two saw us heading to the beach for a ‘warm up’ swim – there’s a big group that meet everyday to swim 1.5km, and it’s a really lovely community! I sat and had some brekky, watching the waves and enjoying the setting up for a sand castle building competition, as well as a bunch of other things for kids to do. Following their swim, we went to Angourie, to Spookeys beach and had a paddle and a Picknick, and then the very best afternoon nap ever! Dinner was at the pub, where a band was setting up ready to entertain the younger crowd! It was a super fun vibe, and great people watching!

Sunday started early with the swimmers preparing themselves. I offered to pick up the elderly wife of one of the competitors. He is 82, and rode his bike 10km into town before competing in the 700m as well as the 2km races… and then riding his bike home!! The whole event was super well organised, and (if you’re into that kind of thing) a whole lot of fun! I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the sidelines as a spectator, and taking photos of my friends as they finished their races. … I am also pleased to say that my sunburn was minimal!

We rounded out the day with a trip to the golf club, where a bunch of food trucks were stationed and some live music was playing. It was a fabulous way to finish a busy day…. I also got to catch up with my other friend who lives down there, so that was a bonus!!

Back to the van (parked in the driveway) for bed, and then a change of location to wake up to! My friend woke up early and moved us up to the beach to watch the sunrise… and I have to say it is one of my favourite ways to wake up!! … followed by brekky, and then the drive home to get all the chores done before the work week starts again.

This weekend for me falls into the category for my New Year’s resolution to say yes to more things this year, and to not be quite so rigid with my routines! … I had a fabulous time, met some wonderful new people, and enjoyed myself thoroughly! I’m looking forward to whatever the next adventure will be!

This week, there is an element of sadness… I had really high hopes that I would win the lotto and be able to retire! – No such luck, so I will be returning to work shortly! … it’s not that I dislike my job, I would just rather not be doing it! (But I am sure that applies to most of us!)

I have had a really lovely break and managed to catch up with a whole lot of fabulous people! I feel like I have had a recharge, and am ready for a new year of adventure. 2025 was not my favourite year for a whole host of reasons, so I am looking forward to leaving it behind and finding good things to focus on from now.

I met a new friend just recently – a friend of a friend to be exact, and they are not in a good place. Christmas/New years can be really tough for a lot of people – you’re supposed to be happy and celebrating, but it can be super overwhelming and not actually happy at all! It’s really hard knowing that someone is in a dark place, and trying to offer glimmers without overstepping. I know how hard it can be to be to feel that low but I have only just met them, I have not been part of their journey and can’t profess to know anything about how they have come to this place in their life.

I wish tho that they could see the glimmers… the  small moments that make us feel a sense of calm, connection, peace, and safety. They are the little things we notice that instantly elevate our mood, even when we are feeling down or are in the midst of a bad day. They can be as simple as the smell of coffee in the morning, traffic that doesn’t make you rage or the smile on a face that you pass on your way into work.

It can be hard work looking for the good things in every day, and it is absolutely a conscious choice that I make each morning. I don’t much like myself when I am in a negative headspace, so would prefer to not let it happen rather than dig myself out of it after the fact. … but that isn’t always easy to do, and it does take some effort! … but the glimmers are there, and once you start looking you find them everywhere!

I know that it can sound really trite to say it, but it is something that has really worked for me – So my wish for you, and for my new friend, is that the glimmers are bright and easy to spot, and that the back to work routine is as pleasant as it can be! … x

Happy who-knows-what-day-this-is! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas and get to enjoy these hazy days in between! I have had a really nice Christmas, and one that for the first time in a long time hasn’t been heavy with anxiety – the grief however, is always there. It is really bittersweet celebrating with my kids and grandkids when Claytie isn’t here, but we know that’s just how it is now. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were so much more fun with the Squish and the Peanut… small people just bring so much joy with them!

There has been a lot of socialising which I have really enjoyed. For some reason, and I’m not sure if it is because or in spite of the heaviness of this year, Christmas has felt a bit lighter for me… but in a detached sort of way. I am very grateful to have had some time off from work (which was unexpected) and I have embraced the relaxation time. I have had quality family time and fun with friends, there have been naps and some beach time and I am looking forward to ringing in the new year with a whole lot of music and laughs!

I hope that this new year brings with it more moments of joy, great people and happy memories. I am looking forward to travelling and seeing more of the world as well as here at home in Australia. I have decided that this is going to be a year for saying yes to adventure and to pushing myself out of my comfort zone and routine. It will also be a year for looking after myself and making sure that I stick to the more sensible plans that I have also made for myself.

I am so grateful for all of you lovely people who fill my world, who I can laugh and cry with and whose support makes all the difference! I wish each and every one of you a happy and fulfilling year. I hope you get to tick some fabulous things off your bucket list, and make memories to fill your hearts. Thanks for being you and for sharing my world. XX

This week has been spent chasing my tail! I have a gazillion things to do, and not enough energy or hours in the day to get any of them done the way I would like! … it doesn’t help that I am letting myself be easily distracted with all sorts of things either! It’s a self inflicted vicious cycle that is not helping my anxiety… it is what it is!

Christmas can be super hard for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. I’m finding it hard to get into the spirit, and have felt quite detached from it all. I’m not sure why that’s the case this year, but it’s not the first time since Claytie died. There are bits that I am excited for… the Squish has more of an idea what it’s about this year, so that is a whole lot of fun, and the food is always spectacular. I have got some time off, which was unexpected but very welcome, but on the whole I’m quite ambivalent about it.

This whole year has been a tough one, and not just for me. It feels like a lot of people in my world have had a rough time, and I know that I will be happy to see the end of it. I have had some fabulous highs, but a whole lot more low points. If you’re into astrology, this has been a ‘9’ year, and has marked the end of a cycle. Next year is a ‘one’ and is about new beginnings. The Chinese calendar has had this year as a snake, and it seems we are now at the skin shedding stage, and again, heading into new beginnings. – I am not sure how much of that I believe, but a lot of it does seem to fit for me! Guess we will have to see what next year will bring!

I hope that this week you have a hundred reasons to smile, and a million things to be grateful for. I hope that you’re surrounded by good people and positive energy and that you take time to rest and enjoy. I am so glad that I get to have you in my world, and appreciate the part you play in it! From me and mine, to you and yours I hope you have a Merry and Bright Christmas xx

I’m not really sure where to start this weeks blog…I am speechless as the tragedy in Bondi and the grief that I feel for all of those people directly affected, as well as for the whole community.

So many people have had their wold world flipped in an instant – something that has an impact forever, and at a time of year that should be happy and joyous. It is heartbreaking.

I feel kind of lost and helpless at the weight of all that loss. I know how I feel missing Claytie, and how hard it has been to get through each day. I can not imagine what the impact of this even will have on so many people, and what that will do to the local community, and the wider Australian community. There is a huge sense of disbelief…this kind of stuff happens in other places, not here; and to have it happen here has shaken me.

I have had to turn off the tv and the constant stream of news. I understand that people want to understand, and to try and make sense of this horrible thing that has happened.. but a lot of it feels incredibly voyeuristic to me. News anchors almost giddy with ‘new details’ that come out from talking with witnesses who are clearly in shock. The video snippets on social media that show people falling after being shot… The finger pointing and blame that is happening, and the politicising of people’s grief.

I don’t know what else’s to say. I don’t believe in a God, and ‘thoughts and prayers’ feel hypocritical, but I guess love and light and positivity and kindness and gentleness are the basis for those prayers, so I wish all that for myself, for you and for those people in my world and yours that need it. We all need it x

So this week has been whole lot of overwhelm! I’ve been expecting it, and it has not disappointed!

I have had week one in my new role at work, and while I was not super nervous about it – I know just about all of the systems that are used, there are a gazillion new people to meet, faces and names to remember as well as the who does what stuff, then there are the actual processes to get my head around and there is the ‘me’ stuff to navigate. I am always the same when I start in a new role. I am really hard on myself for not knowing things straight up (silly, I know!) and by day two or three there are usually frustrated tears. … I knew it was coming, so gave myself some space to feel it and then let it go! I can only do what I can do, and the team training me have been lovely!

There has also been a whole lot of social stuff – Christmas parties and catch ups, that have meant a whole lot of running around. This time of the year, I feel like I need to get better at saying no to things to minimise that hectic feeling… but then I get FOMO (fear of missing out) and go along anyway! … I know – self inflicted! I have also had a couple of very early starts with the boys – one at 3.15am to do a taxi run into the city because of a scarcity of Uber’s, and another to take a car for a mechanical check up… I am happy to do it, but it does take a toll!

I am pleased to say that in the middle of all this chaos, I have managed to start my Christmas shopping and cooking, so that feels a whole lot more in control now too! – other than the sore feet that go with it! Missing Claytie is a huge factor in the anxiety madness… he would always talk sense to me and help control the out of control. I knew that he would happily hit the shops for me and get all the things that I invariably forget, and my garden would always be neat and tidy when he was at home…. And the end of the day debrief always hit the spot!

There are so many little things to miss that the rest of the world don’t really see, and the big family things like Christmas just make them so much bigger. I had the whole family (21 people) at my place for a bbq lunch to farewell my Aunt and Uncle from Germany (they leave this week). It is a tradition that started years ago, and was always Clayties time to shine! He was a master at the BBQ and loved showing off. My boys do an admirable job filling in, and I’m proud of how they have stepped up, but it just isn’t the same…

I am hoping that this week feels a whole lot more settled – although mid week I will officially be the mother of a 30year old, fully functioning, parent of his own little people, adult human – something that blows my mind… I swear he only arrived in the world yesterday!!

Can you believe that we are now in December?! This year has just flown by, and I am sure the next couple of weeks will as well!

I have had a very busy few days with the start of the Christmas season. On Friday night I went to my first Christmas party, and it was lovely! It was for the Widows group, and it was really nice to catch up with a whole bunch of people who mean a whole lot to me! Some are faces that I see regularly at the monthly catch ups, but others are much less often. Some of them were very new, which is both lovely (I’m glad that they found the group, I know how helpful it has been for me)… and awful because they had to lose their person to be part of it! It’s always nice to see all of these people, and to offer support where it is needed. Big dates like Christmas can be super hard without your person, and it’s nice to have people in your world who absolutely understand that.

Saturday night I was invited to attend a movie premiere – a black tie event, and a first for me! My friend J and I went together and had a great time! One of the staff at the hotel we go to every week for trivia has been working on this production for the last two years. He wrote, produced and directed it, and is rightfully incredibly proud of his work. He invited a bunch of us from trivia (not just our team, but others and some of his colleagues well) to come along, and it was fun…. And let’s face it, any chance to get glammed up is great! The movie is in the style of David Lynch and they have plans to take it to a bunch of film festivals… I wish them all the luck with their project!

Then on Sunday I got to go to a birthday party! – probably my favourite event for the whole weekend! The Squish has turned three and celebrated in a local park with a bunch of his day care friends. It was all a bit overwhelming for him – he doesn’t much love being the Center of attention, but a good time was had nonetheless! I can’t believe that three years have passed since he arrived in our world. It is impossible to put into words how much joy he has brought for all of us!

This week I start in my new role at work. I am looking forward to it, it will be nice to learn some new things and mix with people who are new to me, but there is always that hint of anxiety! I struggle with change – even when I am the instigator of it- and I would really just love a hug and a ‘you’ve got this’ from Claytie! He was always my biggest cheerleader and I miss him enormously!

There is always a tinge of sadness with everything that I do… and at the end of each day, Claytie is the person I most want to tell about all of it! … I kind of do I guess. I journal every night before I go to sleep, as a kind of conversation with him, but him not being there never gets easier! Sometimes I can hear what he would have to say about things, and I can imagine how he would feel, but mostly it’s just a big fat hole in my world… any way, it is what it is, and will be what it will be…at least that’s what I am sure he would say!

I have decided that the quote- definition above is exactly who I am! I have just come home from a fabulous long weekend at Yamba – a lovely little town in Northern New South Wales, where I got to spend time with some of my favourite people.

This weekend was about celebrating a milestone birthday with a girlfriend that I met through a widow’s support group – the original Echo chamber of misery (as the boys used to call it!). She and I connected at her first catch up and we have been friends ever since. We have travelled together to Malaysia and have friendship that I value deeply. … a perfect excuse to head down there.

We had dinner and breakfast, and fabulous conversations and I am already looking forward to next time!

I also caught up with another friend who I have known for a very long time, and is always a joy to spend time with! We went for a drive to Woolgoolga and spent time with his daughter and her in-laws and had an amazing day! I went a little bit wild and took myself for a wander around the headland – absolute magic except for the blisters I have ended up on the soles of my feet from getting burned! Oh well… I still think it was worth it!

Spending time by the ocean has been such a huge thing for me since Claytie died. It’s a full mental health and perspective reset for my brain. There is all kinds of science around why it is so good for us… it lowers cortisol (the stress hormone), releases dopamine (the happy hormone), the sounds of the waves are soothing and help with mindfulness, the vastness helps with perspective…. There are a million reasons why it is so good, and I feel like I use all of them.

Often I can feel a build up inside of myself, anxiety simmering and just a kind of restlessness… and I know that a day (or more if I can make it happen) by the water will make me feel better. I absolutely love it, and I’m so glad I could do all of that as well as quality time with great people, before the full on craziness of the Christmas season hits.

So it has been a big week for stuff in my house! Some things have been lovely, some are exciting and some a necessary expense!

On the lovely side, my aunt and uncle are here for a month long visit from Germany. It is always nice to have them here and to spend time with them. Last time I saw them was August last year when I was on my big trip with my ex partner; and while I really enjoyed myself it was a little bit difficult coming on the back of his proposal which I declined (see post 179-180, and the unnumbered one in between)

Anyway, it is nice to have them here and to spend time with them!

On the exciting side of things, my friend J and I have booked a trip to China for next year. My boys all went while they were at school, and everyone else that I know who has been have said how fabulous it was for them. I love having a trip planned to look forward to, and I can’t wait to see another new place and have an adventure! J and I went to Vietnam earlier this year, and we had a ball! I am grateful to have found someone who is as enthusiastic about adventures as I am, and who I can travel with, without any drama. The count down is on and I can’t wait!!

The other bit of excitement this week came in the form of a job interview… and it was the quickest process I have ever been involved with! I went for a chat at 8am, and was offered the secondment position at 8.42am! I have a two week notice period to work out, and then I will be moving to Surgery and PeriOp for an admin role in theatres until the end of June next year. I’m looking forward to learning a bunch of new things and trying something different!

The expensive but necessary part of my week has involved a whole lot of tree lopping in my garden to appease a difficult neighbour! We will all have to get used to a different view, but hopefully it settles the situation for at least a couple of years. – and to be fair, it will make the upkeep a whole lot easier for me!

So that is my little update for this week!

I also want to send out a whole lot of love to some special people in my world who are going through some really hard stuff! Big big love to you as you navigate this hard and bumpy road xx