Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So back in November my friend J and I decided to lock in a holiday for this year. We perused countless options and narrowed it down to China. There were so many different tours on offer that we ended up quite confused, and just booked one.. and then, several weeks later, we read the description in full! It turns out that we did not book a chill and relaxed trundle around the countryside, but rather a full on adventure package! … possibly a tour meant for much younger and fitter bodies than us, but here we are!

Getting to Beijing was reasonably straight forward. We flew Southern China Air and have no complaints. The staff were lovely, the food plentiful and the seats about as good as you get on any plane these days. We made it to Guangzhou and found the most challenging part entering the country, was filling in all of the arrivals paperwork. From there it was onto Beijing, and we had planned ahead and organised an airport transfer (would 10-10 recommend!) … it was a bit of a scary ride at times, the driver did not seem to know where he was going, or how to stay awake, but eventually we made it to the hotel. … can I just say, how good is a translation app!? The concierge struggled to understand us, and we him, but keys were handed over and our room claimed. … at this point I do have to confess to questioning my life choices as well as my sanity, because it is only going to get wilder from here!

Day one saw us up at a reasonable hour, dressed and ready to hit the streets. Our destination – the Forbidden city. Navigating the payment apps (everything is done through Alipay with QR codes) took a minute, but eventually we had a lift sorted and took in all the street sights that we missed driving in the dark the night before. There was a lot to look at!! We were dropped off at the Meridian gate to the city and wandered around for a bit to find breakfast. The first thing that took our attention was a Door Nail pie… minced beef with spices, wrapped in pastry and the shallow fried! They smelled amazing, tasted great and afterwards, I managed to get my head around eating tripe! We also had some kind of jellied dessert, which was much less enjoyable, but filled our bellies.

Entering the City complex involved a whole lot of ID checks, bag scans and a pat down. The Forbidden City, located in the heart of Beijing, China, is a 178-acre imperial palace complex built between 1406 and 1420. It served as the home of 24 Ming and Qing dynasty emperors and the center of Chinese power for over 500 years. Today, it is a UNESCO World Heritage site and a museum, renowned as the world’s largest palace complex. It has 980 buildings and is an amazing place to walk around. We hired audio headsets to talk us through all of the things we were seeing – there is a lot to keep track of! The architecture and colours are amazing and we were lucky to have a blue sky -although very cold- day for our visit.

We found a restaurant for lunch – communal tables for the win, and ordered a bit of a selection. Super tasty and very filling! We did not manage to eat it all, and ended up being scolded (via google translate) by a couple of ancient Grannies for not eating all of our dumplings! … not entirely sure what went wrong with the return translation, but apparently our reason for not finishing was ‘stinky tofu’ – I’m pretty sure there was no tofu in the dumplings, certainly nothing stinky and in fact quite delicious!… but there was a whole lot of laughter about the whole thing

Our next stop was going to be Tiananmen Square, but we found out after some security checking that we should have pre-purchased those tickets too, and we were unable to go in. Instead we found a street vendor, someone very clever with sugar art, and got ourselves some beasties to eat… a dragon and a pig…and then navigated our way back to the hotel for a nap before meeting the rest of our tour group.

At 6pm we made our way down to the lobby to meet our new friends for the next two weeks. It is a very diverse group (definitely much more than I had expected) ranging from 20-80! England, Germany, New Zealand and Australia represented with a few young ladies travelling on their own, A single older man, a couple of brother/sister teams and then J and I! We did the obligatory exchange of information and then went for a walk to the oldest Peeking duck restaurant in the city! It has been operational since 1416! The food was amazing and plentiful, and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! Back to the hotel – via a quick 7/11 snack shop stop and then off to bed!

Day two started with another supermarket stop – just for a look and then some pastries for Brekky. Today was another mostly free day, but several of us went with our tour leader Gary to see some more sights. We took the metro to the Imperial city to explore Jingshan Park. Situated in the center of Beijing, it is a beautiful royal landscape garden located on Beijing Central Axis which is on the UNESCO World Heritage List. Covering an area of 57 acres, the park stands on the central point of the south-north axis of the city and faces the north gate of the Forbidden City. It is found on Jingshan Hill, which was built from the rubble of the original Forbidden city, which was moved after the reign of Kublai Khan. The mid summit of the hill is the highest point in Beijing. Looking from the peak, we had an amazing view of the Forbidden city. We have been super lucky with the weather to this point so the view was truly spectacular!

From the park, we walked about 1km to the Hutong area. Hutongs are historic, narrow lanes and alleys, primarily built during the Yuan Dynasty, formed by traditional courtyard residences known as Siheyuan. Representing the traditional “old Beijing” lifestyle, they are a blend of culture, food, and history. We had a fabulous time seeing all the sights and trying some new foods – particularly ‘hawthorn’ fruit dipped in toffee and served on a skewer – a really yummy blend of sweet and sour, and amazing for the digestion and clearing the stomach (ask me how I know!?) We also saw an older lady taking her duck for a walk, which was one of the best things I have ever seen! We got our tour leader to ask whether it was a pet or dinner, and were informed that it was a four year old pet named Lindsay! – an absolute highlight for me!

We went back to the hotel and had some lunch before getting on a bus to head to Gobei Ku. It was a three hour drive into a mountain area, and the start of our Great Wall hike. We got there in time to watch the sun set behind the mountains, and it was a real ‘pinch me’ moment. What a privilege to be here and to see something that has existed since 220BC!

Our guest house is cute and comfortable – in fact much more so than we were led to believe! – and the dinner (shared by the group) was delicious and cheap!! $7 per person which is kind of mind blowing! The night finished with a whole lot of laughs and conversation… and for an enthusiastic few a ping-pong tournament!

Day three…Holy Moly what a thing to have done! This morning we got up and had breakfast in our guesthouse and then organised our luggage and day packs before beginning our Great Wall Hike. I’m not sure I was fully prepared for what we were in for! As we headed off to get started, there was a festival in the village ‘Rising Dragon Head’ so there were dragon dancers and all kinds of drums and colourful costumes. It was a really lovely and colourful send off.

Our treck started on an un-renovated section of the Great Wall. It was started in 220BC and continuously added on to until about 1644. It was built on the northern border of China to keep out Northern invaders like Gengis Kahn and the Mongols. More than 40000 people died during the construction, and their remains are buried within the structure. It stretches (zig-zags) its way over 21000km of steep mountain ridges. It is phenomenal!!! We walked, scrambled and pushed ourselves for just over 5km to the Generals 24 Eyes watch tower, at which point I could go no further!

I was a bit disappointed to not finish the next 10km part of the treck, but am really proud of myself for doing the bit I did. I rejoined our bus driver, and a couple of people from the group who chose not to walk at all, and we headed to the end point of this walk -West 5 Window Tower. The rest of the group were hiking here to watch the sunset, so I put my big girl pants on, and walked another couple of km on the renovated, and more touristy – but equally steep and painful section to meet them.

It is incredible to be able to do this stuff! I don’t take it for granted and I am incredibly grateful to have this opportunity! It was a real mind spin to walk on and experience something so vast and ancient… a real ‘world wonder’! From the Wall, we walked back down and got on the bus to go for our dinner. Another feast of all kinds of meat and veggie dishes – some VERY spicy, but all yummy! As we left the restaurant, the owners put on a firework display for us, which was super fabulous.

There was a lot of talk about aching muscles and excitement for hot showers! Our guesthouse for the night was probably the most basic one yet – and still better than expected with western toilets and hot showers. The beds did leave a whole lot to be desired. But no real complaints!

Day four started early, and cold -1°C! We loaded up the bus and went back to last nights restaurant for breakfast…. Lots more commenting about aching muscles and how proud everyone is of doing what we did, especially when we were driving past our starting point and saw just how steep the climb was.

We loaded up the bus and headed back to Beijing for the day before heading to Xi’an over night. In Beijing, most of the group joined Gary our illustrious leader to see the Summer Palace and the Temple of Heaven.

The Summer Palace is part of the Imperial Gardens and is a beautifully landscaped 300 hectare site that was built as a birthday gift for the Dowager Empress – also known as the Dragon Lady. It has buildings that have the most fabulous names, such as the garden of virtue and harmony, the studio of serene beauty and the hall of celebrated longevity. Our visit happened on a Saturday, so the place was super crowded!

From the Summer Palace, we ventured to a street full of restaurants to find some lunch. A small group of us found a noodle place and made a selection to share. They were pretty good and definitely filling.

Our Next stop was the Temple of Heaven, and rather than being one building, it was also a collection of different buildings set in a beautiful garden. Everything within the buildings is super symbolic and thought out. It references, time, calendars, seasons, zodiac signs and constellations. Blue roofs denote heaven worship and green ones are for the earth. Everything has to be in harmony.

Our final stop was at market to have a quick look around and for the enthusiasts to go shopping. There were some purchases made of chargers, snacks and in a couple of cases even phones. … and then the day got interesting! We made our way to Beijing Railway station .. platform 4 train D43 to Xi’an. We are in the ‘hard sleeper’ class, which are cabins consisting of 6 bunks in each, open to the corridor. We have been lucky enough to get bottom bunks (the climb to get to the top is challenging with ouch having done a huge hike the day before, and the space is not hugely spacious.

We have been particularly nervous about this part of the trip. We are sharing our cabin with 3 Chinese ladies and will be together for about 11 hours. Motion sickness medication has been taken and all things are crossed for at least a little bit of sleep (and no vomit!) … wish us luck!

This week was another busy one… and included the final count down to my next holiday adventure.

My friend/colleagues funeral was this week, and it was really really sad. She had actually written a lot of the Eulogy herself, which was incredibly poignant. It was a first for me, and I guess the difference between an expected death and a sudden one, and must have been such a difficult thing for her to do! It was a huge turn out and a really nice service, a testament to the lovely person she was. I absolutely feel for her husband and kids because now the hard work of navigating life will start for them, and I know just how challenging that is.

Work was fun, and I finished up in the area I have been in (surgical bookings) and when I come back I’ll be learning a new role in the minor procedures unit. I’ve been enjoying moving around the different roles in this department, it’s definitely keeping me on my toes! There’s a lot to learn and I have enjoyed the challenge, even though I am not fabulous with change!

I had a really lovely outing with a new friend that was unexpected and will be interesting to explore; and a ‘wig party’ that my boys got particularly enthusiastic about. It was a whole lot of fun seeing them try on a whole bunch of different hair and talk themselves up! We had afros, mullets, long flowing locks, and all the colours of the rainbow … and, should any of you need a wig for an event, I have you covered! Between us there are at least 10 wigs in my house!

I was pretty happy to get to the end of my work week… I now have 3 weeks off and adventures to get to. I think I have almost reached a place of balanced anxiety (is there such a thing!?) and I’m mostly ready to roll! The suitcase has been packed (and repacked) a couple of times… it’s still heavier than I would like (we have been told we will have to carry them in a few places) but I don’t think there is anything else to take out. The unworn clothing left in it when I come home will make a liar out of me I am sure, but for now it is what it is!

Tomorrow the adventure in China begins! 13 days of ‘rugged’ travel… no 5 star hotels for this little black duck! We will be staying in guest houses and hostels, taking all kinds of transport – some of which I am quite nervous about, and travelling a less beaten path. I am really looking forward to it and all of the new experiences that are to come! … wish me luck!

This week was supposed to be a simple one with just the usual bits and bobs to get through, but instead I had a moment that absolutely shook me and landed me on my butt in a big way. I bought a new phone…. I know that for anyone who hasn’t gone through this it probably won’t make sense (or maybe it absolutely will), but trust me when I tell you it hit bloody hard!

My old phone was well and truly on its way out. It kept overheating and the battery wouldn’t last for more than a few hours without needing recharging. I’ve had it for a long time, and with heading overseas next week, all the chaos in the world and my good friend anxiety… a no brainer – get a new one.

One of my boys organised to pick it up it for me, which saved me a whole lot of fluff and bother, and I just had to set it up. … now this is where the problems began. I am an Apple person (so not sure if Android is the same) but when you set up your new phone, it should be as simple as put the two next to each other and the machines do all of the work. For some reason – possibly the eSIM I bought last week (again in preparation for travel) the two phones wouldn’t speak to each other nicely! I’m not really great with technology, so the call for help went out to the boys and things smoothed out somewhat.

The whole process took a long time, and my anxiety was dancing… but eventually we got there … ish! For whatever reason, none of my apps transferred over the right way and I had a whole lot of ‘manual’ adding to do. Throw in a phone call from a girlfriend and I was a bit distracted. It wasn’t until I went to bed that I realised none of my old email and text messages had moved across – it was at this point that all kinds of unhappiness hit me, and uncontrolled, hysterical crying took place.

In among those messages were the last things that Claytie and I had sent each other, and the thought of not having them on my new phone, and with me all the time, just broke something in me that I was not expecting. It was such a huge wave of grief and emotion that I was not at all ready for. I didn’t see it coming, hadn’t given it any kind of thought at all… it was supposed to be just a simple swap to a new phone!

So back to the boys for help… and I can’t tell you how lovely and kind and helpful they were – probably without fully understanding why I was losing my shit in such a spectacular way! The old phone got backed up, the new phone restored to factory settings and the whole process started again… this time successfully! Clayties words are back with me, where I want and need them to be, and I have a phone that works again as it should.

Grief is a constantly surprising thing for me. Five and a half years into this roller coaster, and there are just as many bumps and triggers as there were at the start. I think sometimes I take for granted just how much Claytie is still part of my everyday life. I don’t consciously think about it too much, but he is there in all the little things as well as the more obvious big ones., and so when something like this happens it shakes the foundations in a whole new way.

This whole experience was gut wrenching and I feel like in some ways I’ve been ‘set back’ – which I know is a weird thing to say. It sometimes seems like when I get to a place where I’m mostly ok with myself, something comes along to just give me a nudge as if to say not so fast! Anyway, I let myself feel what I needed to, took some time to look at the hows and whys of it, and have re-read a whole lot of years worth of love. Grief sux in a big, big way… but as Claytie would say, it is what it is, and it’s in my world so I just need to deal with it!

So I have been dipping my toes back in to the dating pond on and off and I have to say, I really, really don’t like it! I know I have been here and said that before but think I get caught up in what my girlfriends are doing, and I kind of envy them for going out and meeting people… it’s a kind of FOMO (fear of missing out) and it sounds a bit stupid when I say it out loud, because every time I download the apps and try again, I hate it!

I go through phases where I think I want to try again because I just don’t like being on my own. I miss Claytie every minute of every day, and I miss what we had. I miss having that one person who is everything, so I go online and download an app thinking this time it might work out – it doesn’t! I usually end up spending way too much time looking at peoples profiles and swiping left or right. It makes a change from doom scrolling on social media, and fills some time, but leaves you feeling just as hollow.

I find it really disheartening and struggle with the numbers game (and maybe my profile isn’t great?!) … but for 50 swipes, I might only get one response, and then that conversation stalls very early on. Or people will say they want to meet and then don’t show up (something that happened just the other day). You might end up meeting – and I try to do that very early on in the piece, because a real world interaction tells you so much more about a person, but then that interaction is nothing like the online chat.

I am both more and less discerning when looking at profiles these days, depending on how I feel! I very much have a physical type that I am drawn to, but try and ‘branch out’ a whole lot too, and I absolutely give people the benefit of the doubt and probably a whole lot more chances than I should. The whole thing is just an exercise in lowering your self esteem and leaving you anxiously overthinking every interaction.

I also know that I am not the only one to feel like this about the whole thing. I speak to my friends (both male and female) about it, and we actually all have pretty similar experiences; which then begs the question why is it soo gross!? If we’re all looking more or less for the same thing, and we have an expectation of respect and kindness (essentially just don’t be a dick!) why is it so complicated, how do you change that, and where else do you meet new people?

I’m pretty sure that’s not a problem I can solve… so for now the apps have been deleted -again and as of right now, I am back to doom scrolling the socials!

This week has been a bit all over the place, both in good and in less fun ways.

I found out this week, that a friend and colleague from work was admitted for end of life care, and died on Sunday. She had a prolonged battle with cancer, and I know how hard all of this will be for her husband and kids. It brings back (not that they ever really go) all of the feelings that the boys and I went through when Claytie died, and I am so sad for all of them.

The anxiety that has been my friend raised itself again this week too. I was working across a couple of different roles, and I am not someone whose brain does well with switching between things from day to day. I know that in the end i am always ok, and usually manage quite well, but the build up to it is never nice. I’m working on being more relaxed about it… but that will be a work in progress!

On the fun side this week tho, one of my friends had a significant birthday, and her daughter organised a surprise party at the coast for her. It meant a day off on Thursday – which is never a bad thing – and it was a sensational day at the beach. The birthday girl was well and truly surprised, and had no clue that this was happening! She had also organised her own party for the weekend, so the celebrations continued on Saturday night!

I was also lucky enough to go and see Ed Sheeran perform his Loop tour at Suncorp stadium for his third and final night in Brisbane. I think that he is one of the most clever musicians around, and it’s fascinating to watch him layer the music with his loop pedals… no two performances are alike. I have been to see him perform 3 times now and would absolutely recommend going if you get a chance! It did mean a bit of a late Sunday night, and a whole lot of gratitude for not working on Mondays!

The China trip preparations are ongoing… and the nerves around that are getting very real! I am fully anticipating all kinds of chaos… watch this space for those stories when they happen!

So this last weekend was a weird one for me. It did not go to plan at all and was kind of unexpected!

Brisbane had all kinds of weather warnings coming into this weekend. Notifications for wild weather and flash flooding. We were lucky and only had a couple of days of showers, so nothing too nasty. I was actually quite looking forward to having some mooching and bed-rotting pyjama days. I have a crochet project that I am working on (and am frustratingly close to finishing) as well as a series of books that I am in the middle of. I also have some ‘house projects’ that I thought I’d work through… linen cupboard and my wardrobe… so actually a perfect weekend for those things.

The grief/anxiety rollercoaster had other plans for me. Saturday was Valentine’s Day… I hadn’t really thought anything much of it to be honest! It’s not ever really been a thing for Claytie and I… in fact if I was going to get flowers, they would usually be a week later, out of the clearance bin and half dead! But for some reason, this year packed a bit of a pity-party punch!

I’m not sure if it was being home alone with the dogs, the rainy weather, or just because it’s been a while, but I had a pretty miserable (tears and snot, ugly crying) kind of day… and I didn’t see it coming! Grief is funny like that, sometimes you know for sure you’re going to have a hard day so you can kind of ‘arm’ yourself in preparation, other times it just sideswipes you from nowhere and you’re left reeling!

The other thing that has got me shaky at the moment, is needing to buy a new car, and that sounds crazy too – it should be an exciting thing … and it was last time I did it … 12 years ago with Claytie for my birthday! I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of having to make a choice, at the thought of organising finance and at the thought of selling a car that has a whole lot of memories attached to it. I want a new car, I need a new car, it’s a sensible choice and time for a new car, and it feels like I have a mountain to climb to do it. … and I wasn’t expecting that feeling either.

I’m letting myself sit with and acknowledge all of those feelings, and I know it will be fine when it happens (just like everything else I have ever felt anxious about), but I am constantly surprised at the feelings and things that surprise me. Change is actually the only thing that is constant in life for any of us. We are all changing all of the time… and it feels crazy to be so resistant to it, but when it is something that feels really big, or has so many memories attached it takes a minute to process.

So that’s where I am at right now… I’m going to baby step my way through it, and hope for the best. I have great people in my world to help me with my research and eventual choice, and to just sit with me and let me talk it out loud – tears and all! I know I can do this – I have done much, much harder things and I have survived them all, and let’s face it… it’s just a car; and as the big man would say, it is what it is and you just have to do it! x

It has been another busy week… sometimes I think that I should slow down a bit (and on the odd occasion I do), but I like to be busy and I like to try new things…. And this week there was absolutely some of that!

I managed to tick off a huge bucket list item… a tour of the operating theatres at work!! It was only quick, but I am very happy (I know, it’s weird!) to say I got to see some things! In one of the first rooms we went to, I was able to see a brain surgery! It was soooo interesting!! I was also able to see a mastectomy and an orthopaedic surgery; none of them for very long – I would have stayed watching for ages, but I’m super happy I got to go for a look around. Hopefully at some stage while I am in my current position, I will get a chance to work in a role that goes into theatres daily. I find it all fascinating – although not enough to go back to uni and study it!

Karaoke with my Italian friend was also super fun! I’m not entirely sure what he made of the experience, but it is something that he can now tick off his bucket list! I was happy because some of my favourite people were there to sing and it was a great vibe for the night! My girlfriend and I got up to sing as well, and dedicated our version of ‘Mamma Mia’ to him!

Saturday night was another first for me… I went to a Rodeo!! A group of us went, quite spur of the moment just for something different to do. I was really not sure what to expect, but I had a fabulous time!! – so much so that I will definitely go again! I did find a cowboy to chat to for a minute… I had a whole lot of questions about the whole thing… but his enthusiasm was less than mine, so he wandered off to find younger and more attractive people to impress!

It is just over a month to go now until my girlfriend and I head off to China! Nerves are starting to set in a little bit… we have upped the adventure stakes and have some interesting things to look forward to as part of our tour! I have started training (and by that I mean I have started taking the stairs at work) for the 5-6 hour hike along the Great Wall, and I’m working on my squatting game for the ‘non western’ toilets we will encounter! I am looking forward to a whole lot more ‘new’ for this trip!

This year for me is a year of saying yes to things. I’m enjoying learning more about myself and giving myself permission to keep working on figuring it all out. Claytie is always part of everything that I do… I think about him and talk to him (and about him) all the time, and I think he would be proud of the boys and I for the way we are living our lives. I don’t know that he necessarily would do, or have done, all of the things that I have, but I do think that he’s cheering me on….. it is what it is, and I am doing my best with that.

So this week I’ve had a whole lot of fun entertaining a new friend from Italy. We met on line mid last year and have been chatting ever since. He was supposed to come for a work trip last year, which got postponed and has finally made it here now, and it’s been really nice to meet in person!

Before he arrived I asked if he had anything in particular that he wanted to see while he’s here, and the resounding answer was to cuddle a koala! … unfortunately that is not something I was able to arrange – it is no longer allowed, but we did go to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary and had a Koala experience.

One of my girlfriends had also chatted with our Italian friend previously, so she came with us, and the three of us had a fabulous day. It’s been a really long time since I have been to Lone Pine – and here is a fun fact for you all… one of my sisters and I (with some help from our Dad) translated one of the early tourist brochures in to German for them – it has absolutely been updated since then tho!! It was about a million degrees, so a hot and sweaty walk around, but a great selection of Aussie animals, including a platypus much to the delight of our friend!

We broke up the originally planned tour to come to my place for a swim… and had another very Aussie experience as a Water Dragon (Lizard for those following from other places) joined us to get away from my dogs! .. not unusual at my place, but also not expected! The dragon was not at all upset about sharing the water with us.. and we all managed to cool off! Unfortunately I did not take a picture of that!

We concluded the whistle stop sightseeing with a drive up to Mount Coot-tha to take in the view and to enjoy some food and a cold beer! Lucky for us there was also live music and a cold breeze!

So my friend has been quite nervous about getting this mention… which made me laugh; and I told him that I would make fun of him!… and I have to tell you he does make me laugh!!! He is constantly saying ‘Mama Mia’ which I find hilarious because it seems so stereotypical! I didn’t really think it was something anyone actually says… and I love it!!

I am looking forward to spending some more time with him this week – Karaoke on Friday will be another new experience before he heads back home… and who knows, maybe in the not too distant future I’ll head over to Italy and ask him to be my tour guide in Verona!

It’s been a busy week and a glorious weekend! I’m feeling like my cup is full and right now I’m pretty happy with life! The last couple of days have not just held glimmers but rather a whole lot of sparkle and it’s a pretty good feeling.

This week I rotated into another new role at work – I am currently on a secondment with the surgical and PeriOp department, and there are a whole lot of different roles to learn. It’s a challenge for me, given how much I don’t like change… but I am pushing myself to expand my resume, work with new people and try out all kinds of different things. I’m excited for the coming week because I’ve been told I can have a tour of the operating theatres – and those who know me will know just how keen I am for that!

The weekend started with karaoke… and that never gets old! I love the energy and the people watching… it’s just a whole lot of fun! One of my girlfriends stayed at my place after, and I love that too! We do the debrief and gossip in the morning over Brekky, and analyse our own performances on the stage … they are usually not fabulous – but we have a whole lot of fun!

Saturday was another day spent with friends… some old and some new, and some overlapping connections that highlight how small the universe really is! Late in the afternoon I went to my friends place for dinner and margaritas, and stayed at her place because Sunday was an early start!

One of my girlfriends had a birthday not so long ago, and we celebrated by getting the early boat over to Moreton Island – Tangalooma resort! The weather was spectacular, I was suitably medicated to not get seasick and none of us got sunburnt! We spent the day walking to the wrecks, laying on the beach, having cocktails with lunch, and a whole lot of laughs and conversation. I love the role that these ladies play in my life and I am so grateful that I met them at one of my first Widowed events.

Every weekend is a long weekend for me (I don’t work on Mondays) but it was nice to have a public holiday, and to spend time with more fabulous people. It’s been a weekend of great conversations and learning more about some of the people in my world. I feel refreshed and relaxed and ready for this week. It’s a nice way to feel and I don’t take it for granted when I do!

Isn’t it funny how some things stay scary and overwhelming regardless of how long you’ve had to do them!? For me specifically it’s anything to do with banking and finances… that was always Clayties department (I’ve never been good with numbers). I know that I drive the boys insane with my carrying on over it all, but it just bamboozles me every time and I panic.

I’m in the process at the moment of changing some stuff over, and as much as I know that I am a fully functioning, capable adult, this stuff scares the crap out of me and I am constantly asking for help. I have learned tho that acknowledging the shortcomings and the who, what, when, where and why really helps with keeping the anxiety somewhat at bay. 5 1/2 years in this stuff is still all baby steps for me, and I feel like I’m running through a forest with a blindfold on.. every now and again I hit a target, but the rest of the time it’s a mad scramble! I’m hoping that eventually I’ll get to being ok with it!

This week, other than the bank stuff, has been a bit quieter – and that’s maybe not a bad thing! I did go out for a lovely lunch to celebrate a girlfriend’s birthday… and really, who can say no to a cocktail or two, sitting at a roof top bar overlooking the city, but other than that it’s been the usual work routine. The highlight for the week was obviously taking the Squish to the “Fire truck station” (see previous post) and seeing how happy he was about that!

I am starting to get excited for this years big trip to China… 60 or so days to go! – I will need to start doing some training for it … the description of the tour (read after we booked it) has me just a little bit nervous! Squat toilets on an overnight sleeper train, and non- renovated sections of the Great Wall to clamber over tell me that I should probably work on some fitness … but I am very excited for the adventure – and to add to the holiday photo books on my coffee table!

This year for me is about saying yes to things and for pushing myself out of my comfort zone even more than I have in the past. It means doing the scary Bank stuff, and leg exercises for squatting!… and trusting myself to keep going, even when it would be easier to curl up and hibernate. I don’t want to miss out on the experiences and new people that saying yes will bring. It’s all part of the rollercoaster, right!?