Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week was supposed to be a simple one with just the usual bits and bobs to get through, but instead I had a moment that absolutely shook me and landed me on my butt in a big way. I bought a new phone…. I know that for anyone who hasn’t gone through this it probably won’t make sense (or maybe it absolutely will), but trust me when I tell you it hit bloody hard!

My old phone was well and truly on its way out. It kept overheating and the battery wouldn’t last for more than a few hours without needing recharging. I’ve had it for a long time, and with heading overseas next week, all the chaos in the world and my good friend anxiety… a no brainer – get a new one.

One of my boys organised to pick it up it for me, which saved me a whole lot of fluff and bother, and I just had to set it up. … now this is where the problems began. I am an Apple person (so not sure if Android is the same) but when you set up your new phone, it should be as simple as put the two next to each other and the machines do all of the work. For some reason – possibly the eSIM I bought last week (again in preparation for travel) the two phones wouldn’t speak to each other nicely! I’m not really great with technology, so the call for help went out to the boys and things smoothed out somewhat.

The whole process took a long time, and my anxiety was dancing… but eventually we got there … ish! For whatever reason, none of my apps transferred over the right way and I had a whole lot of ‘manual’ adding to do. Throw in a phone call from a girlfriend and I was a bit distracted. It wasn’t until I went to bed that I realised none of my old email and text messages had moved across – it was at this point that all kinds of unhappiness hit me, and uncontrolled, hysterical crying took place.

In among those messages were the last things that Claytie and I had sent each other, and the thought of not having them on my new phone, and with me all the time, just broke something in me that I was not expecting. It was such a huge wave of grief and emotion that I was not at all ready for. I didn’t see it coming, hadn’t given it any kind of thought at all… it was supposed to be just a simple swap to a new phone!

So back to the boys for help… and I can’t tell you how lovely and kind and helpful they were – probably without fully understanding why I was losing my shit in such a spectacular way! The old phone got backed up, the new phone restored to factory settings and the whole process started again… this time successfully! Clayties words are back with me, where I want and need them to be, and I have a phone that works again as it should.

Grief is a constantly surprising thing for me. Five and a half years into this roller coaster, and there are just as many bumps and triggers as there were at the start. I think sometimes I take for granted just how much Claytie is still part of my everyday life. I don’t consciously think about it too much, but he is there in all the little things as well as the more obvious big ones., and so when something like this happens it shakes the foundations in a whole new way.

This whole experience was gut wrenching and I feel like in some ways I’ve been ‘set back’ – which I know is a weird thing to say. It sometimes seems like when I get to a place where I’m mostly ok with myself, something comes along to just give me a nudge as if to say not so fast! Anyway, I let myself feel what I needed to, took some time to look at the hows and whys of it, and have re-read a whole lot of years worth of love. Grief sux in a big, big way… but as Claytie would say, it is what it is, and it’s in my world so I just need to deal with it!

So I have been dipping my toes back in to the dating pond on and off and I have to say, I really, really don’t like it! I know I have been here and said that before but think I get caught up in what my girlfriends are doing, and I kind of envy them for going out and meeting people… it’s a kind of FOMO (fear of missing out) and it sounds a bit stupid when I say it out loud, because every time I download the apps and try again, I hate it!

I go through phases where I think I want to try again because I just don’t like being on my own. I miss Claytie every minute of every day, and I miss what we had. I miss having that one person who is everything, so I go online and download an app thinking this time it might work out – it doesn’t! I usually end up spending way too much time looking at peoples profiles and swiping left or right. It makes a change from doom scrolling on social media, and fills some time, but leaves you feeling just as hollow.

I find it really disheartening and struggle with the numbers game (and maybe my profile isn’t great?!) … but for 50 swipes, I might only get one response, and then that conversation stalls very early on. Or people will say they want to meet and then don’t show up (something that happened just the other day). You might end up meeting – and I try to do that very early on in the piece, because a real world interaction tells you so much more about a person, but then that interaction is nothing like the online chat.

I am both more and less discerning when looking at profiles these days, depending on how I feel! I very much have a physical type that I am drawn to, but try and ‘branch out’ a whole lot too, and I absolutely give people the benefit of the doubt and probably a whole lot more chances than I should. The whole thing is just an exercise in lowering your self esteem and leaving you anxiously overthinking every interaction.

I also know that I am not the only one to feel like this about the whole thing. I speak to my friends (both male and female) about it, and we actually all have pretty similar experiences; which then begs the question why is it soo gross!? If we’re all looking more or less for the same thing, and we have an expectation of respect and kindness (essentially just don’t be a dick!) why is it so complicated, how do you change that, and where else do you meet new people?

I’m pretty sure that’s not a problem I can solve… so for now the apps have been deleted -again and as of right now, I am back to doom scrolling the socials!

This week has been a bit all over the place, both in good and in less fun ways.

I found out this week, that a friend and colleague from work was admitted for end of life care, and died on Sunday. She had a prolonged battle with cancer, and I know how hard all of this will be for her husband and kids. It brings back (not that they ever really go) all of the feelings that the boys and I went through when Claytie died, and I am so sad for all of them.

The anxiety that has been my friend raised itself again this week too. I was working across a couple of different roles, and I am not someone whose brain does well with switching between things from day to day. I know that in the end i am always ok, and usually manage quite well, but the build up to it is never nice. I’m working on being more relaxed about it… but that will be a work in progress!

On the fun side this week tho, one of my friends had a significant birthday, and her daughter organised a surprise party at the coast for her. It meant a day off on Thursday – which is never a bad thing – and it was a sensational day at the beach. The birthday girl was well and truly surprised, and had no clue that this was happening! She had also organised her own party for the weekend, so the celebrations continued on Saturday night!

I was also lucky enough to go and see Ed Sheeran perform his Loop tour at Suncorp stadium for his third and final night in Brisbane. I think that he is one of the most clever musicians around, and it’s fascinating to watch him layer the music with his loop pedals… no two performances are alike. I have been to see him perform 3 times now and would absolutely recommend going if you get a chance! It did mean a bit of a late Sunday night, and a whole lot of gratitude for not working on Mondays!

The China trip preparations are ongoing… and the nerves around that are getting very real! I am fully anticipating all kinds of chaos… watch this space for those stories when they happen!

So this last weekend was a weird one for me. It did not go to plan at all and was kind of unexpected!

Brisbane had all kinds of weather warnings coming into this weekend. Notifications for wild weather and flash flooding. We were lucky and only had a couple of days of showers, so nothing too nasty. I was actually quite looking forward to having some mooching and bed-rotting pyjama days. I have a crochet project that I am working on (and am frustratingly close to finishing) as well as a series of books that I am in the middle of. I also have some ‘house projects’ that I thought I’d work through… linen cupboard and my wardrobe… so actually a perfect weekend for those things.

The grief/anxiety rollercoaster had other plans for me. Saturday was Valentine’s Day… I hadn’t really thought anything much of it to be honest! It’s not ever really been a thing for Claytie and I… in fact if I was going to get flowers, they would usually be a week later, out of the clearance bin and half dead! But for some reason, this year packed a bit of a pity-party punch!

I’m not sure if it was being home alone with the dogs, the rainy weather, or just because it’s been a while, but I had a pretty miserable (tears and snot, ugly crying) kind of day… and I didn’t see it coming! Grief is funny like that, sometimes you know for sure you’re going to have a hard day so you can kind of ‘arm’ yourself in preparation, other times it just sideswipes you from nowhere and you’re left reeling!

The other thing that has got me shaky at the moment, is needing to buy a new car, and that sounds crazy too – it should be an exciting thing … and it was last time I did it … 12 years ago with Claytie for my birthday! I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of having to make a choice, at the thought of organising finance and at the thought of selling a car that has a whole lot of memories attached to it. I want a new car, I need a new car, it’s a sensible choice and time for a new car, and it feels like I have a mountain to climb to do it. … and I wasn’t expecting that feeling either.

I’m letting myself sit with and acknowledge all of those feelings, and I know it will be fine when it happens (just like everything else I have ever felt anxious about), but I am constantly surprised at the feelings and things that surprise me. Change is actually the only thing that is constant in life for any of us. We are all changing all of the time… and it feels crazy to be so resistant to it, but when it is something that feels really big, or has so many memories attached it takes a minute to process.

So that’s where I am at right now… I’m going to baby step my way through it, and hope for the best. I have great people in my world to help me with my research and eventual choice, and to just sit with me and let me talk it out loud – tears and all! I know I can do this – I have done much, much harder things and I have survived them all, and let’s face it… it’s just a car; and as the big man would say, it is what it is and you just have to do it! x

It has been another busy week… sometimes I think that I should slow down a bit (and on the odd occasion I do), but I like to be busy and I like to try new things…. And this week there was absolutely some of that!

I managed to tick off a huge bucket list item… a tour of the operating theatres at work!! It was only quick, but I am very happy (I know, it’s weird!) to say I got to see some things! In one of the first rooms we went to, I was able to see a brain surgery! It was soooo interesting!! I was also able to see a mastectomy and an orthopaedic surgery; none of them for very long – I would have stayed watching for ages, but I’m super happy I got to go for a look around. Hopefully at some stage while I am in my current position, I will get a chance to work in a role that goes into theatres daily. I find it all fascinating – although not enough to go back to uni and study it!

Karaoke with my Italian friend was also super fun! I’m not entirely sure what he made of the experience, but it is something that he can now tick off his bucket list! I was happy because some of my favourite people were there to sing and it was a great vibe for the night! My girlfriend and I got up to sing as well, and dedicated our version of ‘Mamma Mia’ to him!

Saturday night was another first for me… I went to a Rodeo!! A group of us went, quite spur of the moment just for something different to do. I was really not sure what to expect, but I had a fabulous time!! – so much so that I will definitely go again! I did find a cowboy to chat to for a minute… I had a whole lot of questions about the whole thing… but his enthusiasm was less than mine, so he wandered off to find younger and more attractive people to impress!

It is just over a month to go now until my girlfriend and I head off to China! Nerves are starting to set in a little bit… we have upped the adventure stakes and have some interesting things to look forward to as part of our tour! I have started training (and by that I mean I have started taking the stairs at work) for the 5-6 hour hike along the Great Wall, and I’m working on my squatting game for the ‘non western’ toilets we will encounter! I am looking forward to a whole lot more ‘new’ for this trip!

This year for me is a year of saying yes to things. I’m enjoying learning more about myself and giving myself permission to keep working on figuring it all out. Claytie is always part of everything that I do… I think about him and talk to him (and about him) all the time, and I think he would be proud of the boys and I for the way we are living our lives. I don’t know that he necessarily would do, or have done, all of the things that I have, but I do think that he’s cheering me on….. it is what it is, and I am doing my best with that.

So this week I’ve had a whole lot of fun entertaining a new friend from Italy. We met on line mid last year and have been chatting ever since. He was supposed to come for a work trip last year, which got postponed and has finally made it here now, and it’s been really nice to meet in person!

Before he arrived I asked if he had anything in particular that he wanted to see while he’s here, and the resounding answer was to cuddle a koala! … unfortunately that is not something I was able to arrange – it is no longer allowed, but we did go to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary and had a Koala experience.

One of my girlfriends had also chatted with our Italian friend previously, so she came with us, and the three of us had a fabulous day. It’s been a really long time since I have been to Lone Pine – and here is a fun fact for you all… one of my sisters and I (with some help from our Dad) translated one of the early tourist brochures in to German for them – it has absolutely been updated since then tho!! It was about a million degrees, so a hot and sweaty walk around, but a great selection of Aussie animals, including a platypus much to the delight of our friend!

We broke up the originally planned tour to come to my place for a swim… and had another very Aussie experience as a Water Dragon (Lizard for those following from other places) joined us to get away from my dogs! .. not unusual at my place, but also not expected! The dragon was not at all upset about sharing the water with us.. and we all managed to cool off! Unfortunately I did not take a picture of that!

We concluded the whistle stop sightseeing with a drive up to Mount Coot-tha to take in the view and to enjoy some food and a cold beer! Lucky for us there was also live music and a cold breeze!

So my friend has been quite nervous about getting this mention… which made me laugh; and I told him that I would make fun of him!… and I have to tell you he does make me laugh!!! He is constantly saying ‘Mama Mia’ which I find hilarious because it seems so stereotypical! I didn’t really think it was something anyone actually says… and I love it!!

I am looking forward to spending some more time with him this week – Karaoke on Friday will be another new experience before he heads back home… and who knows, maybe in the not too distant future I’ll head over to Italy and ask him to be my tour guide in Verona!

It’s been a busy week and a glorious weekend! I’m feeling like my cup is full and right now I’m pretty happy with life! The last couple of days have not just held glimmers but rather a whole lot of sparkle and it’s a pretty good feeling.

This week I rotated into another new role at work – I am currently on a secondment with the surgical and PeriOp department, and there are a whole lot of different roles to learn. It’s a challenge for me, given how much I don’t like change… but I am pushing myself to expand my resume, work with new people and try out all kinds of different things. I’m excited for the coming week because I’ve been told I can have a tour of the operating theatres – and those who know me will know just how keen I am for that!

The weekend started with karaoke… and that never gets old! I love the energy and the people watching… it’s just a whole lot of fun! One of my girlfriends stayed at my place after, and I love that too! We do the debrief and gossip in the morning over Brekky, and analyse our own performances on the stage … they are usually not fabulous – but we have a whole lot of fun!

Saturday was another day spent with friends… some old and some new, and some overlapping connections that highlight how small the universe really is! Late in the afternoon I went to my friends place for dinner and margaritas, and stayed at her place because Sunday was an early start!

One of my girlfriends had a birthday not so long ago, and we celebrated by getting the early boat over to Moreton Island – Tangalooma resort! The weather was spectacular, I was suitably medicated to not get seasick and none of us got sunburnt! We spent the day walking to the wrecks, laying on the beach, having cocktails with lunch, and a whole lot of laughs and conversation. I love the role that these ladies play in my life and I am so grateful that I met them at one of my first Widowed events.

Every weekend is a long weekend for me (I don’t work on Mondays) but it was nice to have a public holiday, and to spend time with more fabulous people. It’s been a weekend of great conversations and learning more about some of the people in my world. I feel refreshed and relaxed and ready for this week. It’s a nice way to feel and I don’t take it for granted when I do!

Isn’t it funny how some things stay scary and overwhelming regardless of how long you’ve had to do them!? For me specifically it’s anything to do with banking and finances… that was always Clayties department (I’ve never been good with numbers). I know that I drive the boys insane with my carrying on over it all, but it just bamboozles me every time and I panic.

I’m in the process at the moment of changing some stuff over, and as much as I know that I am a fully functioning, capable adult, this stuff scares the crap out of me and I am constantly asking for help. I have learned tho that acknowledging the shortcomings and the who, what, when, where and why really helps with keeping the anxiety somewhat at bay. 5 1/2 years in this stuff is still all baby steps for me, and I feel like I’m running through a forest with a blindfold on.. every now and again I hit a target, but the rest of the time it’s a mad scramble! I’m hoping that eventually I’ll get to being ok with it!

This week, other than the bank stuff, has been a bit quieter – and that’s maybe not a bad thing! I did go out for a lovely lunch to celebrate a girlfriend’s birthday… and really, who can say no to a cocktail or two, sitting at a roof top bar overlooking the city, but other than that it’s been the usual work routine. The highlight for the week was obviously taking the Squish to the “Fire truck station” (see previous post) and seeing how happy he was about that!

I am starting to get excited for this years big trip to China… 60 or so days to go! – I will need to start doing some training for it … the description of the tour (read after we booked it) has me just a little bit nervous! Squat toilets on an overnight sleeper train, and non- renovated sections of the Great Wall to clamber over tell me that I should probably work on some fitness … but I am very excited for the adventure – and to add to the holiday photo books on my coffee table!

This year for me is about saying yes to things and for pushing myself out of my comfort zone even more than I have in the past. It means doing the scary Bank stuff, and leg exercises for squatting!… and trusting myself to keep going, even when it would be easier to curl up and hibernate. I don’t want to miss out on the experiences and new people that saying yes will bring. It’s all part of the rollercoaster, right!?

So I have a couple of friends who have or are working for the Queensland Fire Service, and my nieces partner is currently in training. I very much admire them for the work they do! It’s a tough job… and can be pretty scary!

I drove past a house fire last year (and stopped to call 000) and couldn’t believe the speed, the noise and the heat that came out of it! Two people died that day, but the Firefighters just went in and did what they do!

Any way, the point of this story is not necessarily to hero worship (but I do a little bit!), but to tell you how awesome those friendships can be when you’re Grandma Birdie with a Squish to impress!!

One of my friends was working at the station just down the road from my place the other day, and I was able to organise for the Squish (along with his parents and one of the uncles) to go to the ‘fire truck station’ and have a look at the action!

The team were so lovely showing Squish the truck, letting him sit in the drivers seat, explaining the radios and gear and just letting him soak it all in! The little man didn’t really know how to take it all in, but was super happy to be there! Unfortunate, just when the hose came out to water the garden, the station got a call out… not to worry tho, we got to see them get ready in a hurry, load out and drive out with bells and whistles (lights and sirens) going!

It was such a fun afternoon – Ive been on a high for a couple of days after…. I have a million photos of the afternoon and the Squish has a memory we will talk about for a long time! … I also have an invitation to take him again!! Thank you to my friend and his team for making this Birdie and her Squish super happy!

I have just come home from the most fabulous spontaneous weekend away in Yamba. Originally, I had nothing planned for the weekend other than some chores around the house, but was chatting with my friend on Friday at lunchtime, he had a house full of people and invited me to come as well and stay at his place in Yamba.

I drove down (about 3 1/2 hours) on Friday after work – via home to pack a bag, and stopped at Brunswick Heads for a pit stop and a drink with another friend. It was a super busy place with a whole lot happening with school holiday fun, and it is definitely on my list of places to go back to!

I made it to Yamba and met all of the house guests – a new flat mate and his sister and two of her friends, and I heard all about their plans for the weekend. There was a whole lot happening in town for a big ocean swim race day/weekend. They are all ocean swimmers, and were there to participate.

My friend and I left them all to it, and took his van to sleep at the beach .. I have never thought of myself as a camper, but sleeping in the van at the beach is something else! It has become one of my favourite things to do! Every time I come home I start searching for cheap vans so I can get into it, and then I remember that I’m probably not brave enough to camp on my own, and also that I probably can’t afford it! Hahaha

Day two saw us heading to the beach for a ‘warm up’ swim – there’s a big group that meet everyday to swim 1.5km, and it’s a really lovely community! I sat and had some brekky, watching the waves and enjoying the setting up for a sand castle building competition, as well as a bunch of other things for kids to do. Following their swim, we went to Angourie, to Spookeys beach and had a paddle and a Picknick, and then the very best afternoon nap ever! Dinner was at the pub, where a band was setting up ready to entertain the younger crowd! It was a super fun vibe, and great people watching!

Sunday started early with the swimmers preparing themselves. I offered to pick up the elderly wife of one of the competitors. He is 82, and rode his bike 10km into town before competing in the 700m as well as the 2km races… and then riding his bike home!! The whole event was super well organised, and (if you’re into that kind of thing) a whole lot of fun! I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the sidelines as a spectator, and taking photos of my friends as they finished their races. … I am also pleased to say that my sunburn was minimal!

We rounded out the day with a trip to the golf club, where a bunch of food trucks were stationed and some live music was playing. It was a fabulous way to finish a busy day…. I also got to catch up with my other friend who lives down there, so that was a bonus!!

Back to the van (parked in the driveway) for bed, and then a change of location to wake up to! My friend woke up early and moved us up to the beach to watch the sunrise… and I have to say it is one of my favourite ways to wake up!! … followed by brekky, and then the drive home to get all the chores done before the work week starts again.

This weekend for me falls into the category for my New Year’s resolution to say yes to more things this year, and to not be quite so rigid with my routines! … I had a fabulous time, met some wonderful new people, and enjoyed myself thoroughly! I’m looking forward to whatever the next adventure will be!