Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

It’s a funny thing, one of my very first posts on this platform was written while I was sitting in the pub waiting for my friends to get there… and that is where this one started as well.

It is karaoke night… I haven’t been for ages because life has been busy, but I am excited to see who our singers will be and how it will go. I don’t think that I’ll have a super late night – not like some of them have been, but it is always a good time! There is something about the music and the atmosphere that just makes me happy, and that feels like a good thing after the last few weeks.

Last week was particularly hard. You may have read the post before this one.. that was a true story. One of my girlfriends had one of the most shocking experiences that I could imagine. My friend is ok… she is working through things and I know that she will be fine, but it’s been a whole lot of darkness for her, which is shit! It has been a lot to think about … and it came at the end of all of my hard dates, and that somehow made it even more to think about.

So this week I have been doing some things to turn some of that heaviness around. I had wine time with some of my girlfriends mid week (the things you can do when there is a public holiday!). It was a much needed oestrogen boost, and all kinds of topics were discussed and analysed… cheese and wine for the win!

I also went and spent time with the cows at the Ekka – the Royal National Show for those not based in Brisbane – a ‘fair’ where the country comes to the city, and all manor of things are compared and judged competitively – from cakes, to craft, to wood chopping and cooking and of course the livestock! Dagwood dogs (sausages dipped into batter that are deep fried and then drenched in tomato sauce), fairy floss and strawberry sundaes – the staple food choices of the show, and then a gazillion dollars spent on show bags… It was a gloriously sunshiny, super busy, crowded day, but just what the doctor ordered – and we all know, quality time with cows is one of my favourite things!

Karaoke and dinner finished out the week. We sang our little hearts out – not on stage, we like to spare everyone that punishment, but at our table. It is the best kind of joyful energy and I love it! Some of my boys were also there, and it was fun teasing them about getting on stage and doing a duet with mum!! – which was a hard no all round!

A weekend spent tidying in the garden, and in the house, and a whole lot of cooking has made me feel like I’ve restored some order in my world. I tend to find that my space often reflects my mental state, and it’s all been a little bit messy for a while. There is still more to go – there always is, but I’ll keep chipping away at it bit by bit. It is all just ‘one day at a a time’ with a whole lot of forwards and backwards, but eventually, I hope, it will all feel ok!

The roller coaster of life… in one side of a duplex, a man lies dead in his lounge room. He has been depressed and not able to see a way out of his life situation. He has taken a bunch of pills and died. The police have come after the ambulance has declared him dead, because they now need to look at the circumstances around that death. The man was 51 years old, a teacher, a father, a brother… he left notes for his loved ones.

The one who found him, is outside of his home; pacing and smoking cigarettes. Her friends are on their way, they are coming to support her. She has to wait to speak to police. She doesn’t have a whole lot of information to give them, she has only been in the man’s world for a little while, they had just started dating. She is shaky. Her instinct to check on him, means that the man was found quite quickly… a cruel kindness for his children. It is cold outside, and it takes a long time. The process of death is not quick.

Right next door, the other side of the duplex, the house is full with another family. There are lots of kids of varying ages laughing and having a great time. It is a family dinner, pizza and good company. They are celebrating a 14th birthday… there is singing and cake. They are completely unaware of what has happened next door.

Life and death, side by side… a sharp and stinging reminder that the world will keep on turning regardless of what happens. Outside, 3 friends… widows who are constantly trying to navigate the fallout from the loss of someone important in their own worlds and are now caught up in this one as well. The black humour is vicious and almost immediate, anything to just get through this part… the fall out will come later.

The contrasts are everywhere… glorious beauty in the morning and cruel darkness at night. The lesson is to enjoy every minute of the good things that are everywhere. It can be too easy to let the darkness overwhelm everything and to see nothing but black… look a little bit closer… there can also be beauty in the dark – the stars don’t shine when the sun is out. Your family and friends love you x

Today I have been sitting and reflecting. It’s Clayties birthday this week. He would be 53. I should be getting things organised for a family dinner on the day to celebrate him, but instead I’m sitting in a very quiet house thinking about how much I miss him. For whatever reason, his birthday feels like the hardest of all my hard dates this year.

The last six years have seen me become a whole new person, and the challenge of figuring out who that is has been huge…. I am not sure it is done yet. There have been a million life lessons and experiences, a whole lot of travel and different relationships with a whole bunch of ‘new’ and ‘old’ people to navigate. I have learned so much about myself, and for the most part I am feeling much steadier than I did; but every so often I stop and think: I wonder if Claytie would recognise me now.

I also keep thinking of all the things that he is missing out on. His boys and the grand babies and all of the amazing things that they are doing with their lives. The fabulous people that they have all become. He would be super proud of all of them. I know he would love to see his friends and catch up with their lives, and of course his family whose grief has meant that I no longer have them in my world.

I’ve actually quite enjoyed (not sure that is the right word!?) being able to take the time to reflect. I feel like I am a whole lot more comfortable sitting with the hard emotions these days, but I know too that there is an ugly cry coming up… I’ve been teetering on the edge of it for a while now, and when it comes I will let it. I did decide the other day that I want to go whale watching in his actual birthday. I want to mark the day by doing something I love, and although we never got to do it together, I’m pretty sure he would love it too.

So that is the plan. An early start on what I am sure will be a cold morning, and some glorious nature to put me back in my place as a speck in the universe. Mother Nature has a great way of giving perspective… and that is something that always makes me happy. I am forever grateful that I got to have my favourite person for as long as I did. It is what it is, and I am who I am and I will do what I will do to celebrate him properly on his day.

Last week was pretty ordinary in a whole lot of ways. Clayties anniversary was at the start of the week and it’s a really hard day every year. I think part of me thought that it would all get easier with time, but it hasn’t. It’s different now in a whole lot of ways, but just as hard as it was right at the beginning. I don’t sleep very well around all of these dates, and I am constantly replaying that day. I also think about all of the things that have happened in my world since then, and who I am now because of it. It’s an introspective time for me and absolutely part of the roller coaster.

We did have a really nice family dinner that night, and I think for the first time the boys seemed much more happy telling stories and laughing at memories…. And it definitely helped having the tiny humans there just being themselves and enjoying ‘Cat food’ casserole.

Adding to the difficulty of the week was the fact that my brand new car (2 weeks old!!) was involved in an altercation with another car. An elderly woman failed to give way at a round about and went straight into the side of my car. To say I was unhappy would be an understatement!!! I was not gracious or kind, and my language was not friendly! Thankfully the damage was minimal and was able to be fixed in only a few days, and I had organised to have access to a hire car in the interim through my insurance company.

The week did finish a whole lot better – which I am grateful for! I went to a comedy show with some widowed girlfriends. We had a fabulous dinner, great conversation and then laughed til our bellies hurt. It was a cup filling evening and I’m so glad to have these women in my world. It is a very different thing having conversations about our people with people who get the enormity of the loss, and just how much our lives have changed, because they are walking the same path.

And my favourite day this week was a glorious day in nature! My friend and I got up early – he did need some persuasion- and drove down to Cabarita to watch the sun come up. It was stunning! Mother Nature absolutely knows how to put on the best kind of show! The sky was crystal clear and the whales were playing. We also got to watch the local dolphins play in the surf. We followed it up with a drive down to Brunswick heads to catch up with some of his friends and spent the whole day enjoying ourselves.

Great food, good company, some grounding in nature… these are the things that make my soul happy and I am so grateful to have all of them readily available. There are a couple more yucky dates to face in the next week or so, but right now I’m feeling a bit more recharged and like I can do it.

I tried really hard not to go to sleep last night because I didn’t want the nightmare to come… but it did; and just like that you’ve been gone for 6 years.

I wonder if you would recognise me now. How much of the same person is still inside – because half the time I don’t recognise myself. So much has happened in the 6 years since you died. The boys and I have learned and done so many things and changed in a million little ways, and all of them because of you.

We’re doing ok… the boys are amazing people. They are happy and achieving big things in their lives. I know that you would be super proud of them. We are all doing our best to live our lives with the you sized hole that is always there… it’s hard!

I know you’ve been around us lately… there have been all kinds of signs. I hope that they mean positive things… I have to believe that they do!

The Squish was over here just yesterday and wanted to play dress ups in your hi-vis shirts… the really ugly orange and green ones that we used to laugh about… it made me smile! We were all sooo proud of you when you won the huge award (world wide) for that company! They all saw how amazing you were too!

Tonight we’re doing our ritual to remember you… ‘Catfood casserole’ with iced coffee and pavlova for after. We’ll scratch scratchies and no one will win anything big… but we’ll laugh about how funny you always were about giving them to people. Well drink your iced coffee- all of us thinking how nasty it tastes – me especially! – and we will miss you that much harder cause you’re not here for us to tease!

The hole you left hasn’t shrunk at all. It’s still just as big and just as empty. But we’re doing our best to live big lives that make you proud. You were always the best. You still are! … but as you always said, it is what it is and we have to keep going. I love you Bubby xx

This weekend was another first in my world. An adventure visit to a new place for me.

I had a conversation not too long ago about places to go and visit in Queensland that weren’t too far away, and The Bunya Mountains were suggested as a good place to go. Some research and a booking through Air BnB and we were set to go!

The Bunya Mountains are about a three hour drive west of Brisbane, and are spectacular. My friend and I packed up the car and left home on Saturday morning for a long weekend adventure to somewhere new for both of us. It was lovely taking my new car for its first long drive too – it performed very well, and it was a really pretty drive through the countryside!

A visit into town – Mowbullan, showed us a corner store, cafe and tavern, and a whole lot of marvelling at the landscape. The drive into town was on narrow streets with rainforest right up to the verge, and tree canopies creating a tunnel. Every corner brought new ‘wows’. We took a very quick walk and then decided to find our accomodation.

Fink’s Hut was our home for the next couple of days. It’s a little 100 year old cabin set right on the edge of the rainforest that covers the mountains. It is largely off grid, and an absolute digital detox! We set ourselves up and then had a bit of an explore before making a fire in the pit outside. So many birds chirping and coming down to visit us, it was just lovely! We had brought some seafood chowder (made by a friend) for our dinner, and used the fire to heat it up and sat eating under the stars.

There is nothing quite like the night sky when there is no light pollution to interfere and lessen the view. It was phenomenal!!

It is also amazing how well you can sleep with no noise or lights outside your windows. We had all kinds of plans to get up early for sunrise, but 11 hours of solid sleep meant that we missed it by quite some time!!

Bacon bagels for brekky and then we were off on a hike. We chose to do a 4km circuit that took us past a couple of waterfalls and a clearing that had us able to see for miles. The Bunya pines are amazing! The trees themselves have an egg shape and can grow up to 50m tall with a life span of 600-800years. Every 2-4 years (we were told different things by different people) they produce ‘fruit’. The cones produced are roughly the size and shape of a rugby ball and can weigh around 10kg. Bunya nut season is an important cultural time for Indigenous Australians, particularly in South-East Queensland. Historically, large groups of clans would travel to the Bunya Mountains for great gatherings to feast on the nuts, celebrate, and trade. The nuts taste like a cross between a chestnut and a potato. We tried them roasted on a fire, and while I wouldn’t necessarily rush back for more, they were not unpleasant to eat.

Our hike was beautiful! Every bend in the path was almost more beautiful than the one before. The water trickling and all of the bird noise was the best kind of sound track for the morning too. It is fascinating to me that the landscape here is so very different to Brisbane, and yet it is so close to home. Our reward at the end of the walk was a drink in the tavern and some people watching, before heading back for a rest – in my case reading a book and in my friends case catching up on sport scores on the phone, as there was no tv in our cabin. We decided to take ourselves up to a nearby lookout for the sunset, and it did not disappoint! Jackets were absolutely necessary – the wind was icy cold, but the scenery and colours in the sky were 100% worth it!  We finished the day with another fire, slow cooked lamb roast and toasted marshmallows, all while watching the stars in the sky and marvelling at how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful part of the world.  

We did manage to catch the sunrise the next day, and drove back to the lookout for what we thought would be the best view, only to find that we had the very best view just a tiny bit down the street from our cabin. Bacon cooked on the fire for brekky and then it was time to pack up the cabin for the drive back home. We did make a couple of stops on our way home – country towns are just fun to drive through and visit. It feels crazy to me that I have never really heard of or been to this fabulous place before – especially given how close to home it is. It was a weekend away that felt like a proper holiday and was next level relaxing! I would 10/10 recommend the Bunya mountains as a travel desintination, and Fink’s Hut for accomodation! It was a fabulous way to spend a long weekend!

31 years is how long I have been married to Claytie today, and it is now 6 since I last saw him…. That is hard. I will always be his wife regardless of who else is in my world, and I miss him in every way. Out of all of the sad anniversary dates that we now have in our world, this one for me is probably the hardest… because it is just mine. The boys know it’s a tough day for me, but for them it doesn’t mean a whole lot – and that’s Ok.

My life right now looks nothing like I had thought it might when we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary two weeks before Claytie died. We had a million plans for all the things that we wanted to do, things that I am now trying to achieve without him here. So much has changed in my world, and he is still the first person I want to tell when anything happens.

This year, for the first time in a while, I have not found myself at the beach to start the day. I had thought I might take my nice new car for a drive to reflect and celebrate, but life admin stuff got in the way. Surprisingly tho, I feel ok about that.

I was telling someone stories about my wedding day not that long ago, and it was so nice to remember some of those details and laugh about some of the silly things that happened. We were super nervous about rain on the day – we had the ceremony and reception in a friends backyard and it was raining the entire week leading up to our big day! Lucky for us it turned into a beautiful winters day!

There was a whole lot of water on the day tho… because I managed to flood the bathroom in the hotel we stayed at for our wedding night. I had put myself into the bath (those who know me well know how much I love a bath, and from memory this was a super big one). I was exhausted at the end of a long and fabulous day as most people are on their wedding day – I was also pregnant. I put in a bunch of bubble stuff and by the time Claytie came in, the bubbles had taken over, burying me and spilling over the edge of the tub, and I was having a nap … with the tap still running!

It’s been really lovely remembering all of the good times. We were so young and naive when we got married… a life time of fabulous things still ahead of us; and it really was fabulous! I got to spend 25 years…. 300 months, 9,125 days, 219,000 hours, 13,140,000 minutes….married to my favourite person, and I feel incredibly lucky to have had that!

And while I am talking about anniversaries, it was unbelievably lovely at the weekend to celebrate two of my friends who just got married. They are also both widows. I met them through the very first support group that I joined and we have been friends since then. I have appreciated their love and support tremendously and wish them as much joy and love going forward as Claytie and I got to have.

So this week is the end of an era for me, and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

For the last 4 years I have been going to Trivia every week. It started as part of an online date. I had been chatting to a lovely and very charming fellow who was a bit cagey about meeting me face to face. He had mentioned that he would be at Trivia, so I contrived to have a girls catch up at the same place, and at the end of the game, he and I had a drink and a chat.

He was not going to be the person for me, but we had a great conversation and are still friends. The girls and I had a lovely time – even though we came dead last, and made sure we came back the following week. The Black Widow’s Trivia team was born, and we have been there in one form or another every Tuesday for the last 4 years.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, our host announced the end of the show. He has family things and plans that are taking him in a different direction, and so that will close this chapter for me. The team are looking at different locations to keep up the tradition, which will be lovely, but it will also become something different in my world.

It’s funny just how much of an anchor our weekly Tuesday tradition has been for me. A small piece of certainty in an otherwise chaotic life, and time spent (for the most part) with other widows. We have laughed and cried, won and lost, pulled our hair out at entirely too many cryptic clues, celebrated birthdays and Christmases, and dressed up on more than one occasion. It has been great and I’m sad that it’s over!

This ending also comes at the beginning of all of my ‘sad dates’ for the year, which is funny timing for me, and a whole lot to process. Maybe this is the universe saying that I have got from it what I need to, and that I can let go of that anchor now. Either way, I wish our host and his family all the very best as they head off onto whatever adventures await them, and I want to say a huge thank you for all of the fun memories I have made puzzling my way through each Tuesday night. I’m sure my general knowledge has improved a whole lot and I know that there are a whole lot of random facts that now have space in my brain!!

Most of this weekend was spent at the coast with a girlfriend for her birthday. It was a really tough day for her because she is now older than her husband ever got to be.

I remember my first birthday after Claytie died. I turned 47 – a number that he missed by two weeks. It was a really hard thing to get my head around. He was older than me, and always should have been… but now suddenly wasn’t. It was a real (pardon the phrase) mind fuck! I just couldn’t get my head around it because that is not how it was ever supposed to be!

In hindsight sight, I feel like I was lucky that for me it happened so soon after he died. My world was chaos anyway, so this was just a little bit more. For my friend tho, it has all happened nearly six years after her person died, at a time when you think that maybe you’ve figured out who you are now. It’s one of those things that unless you have lived it- not necessarily the death of a partner, but perhaps a sibling or a parent, that you have any kind of idea of how shaken it makes you feel.

We ended up having a lovely weekend, with the tears and conversation that you would expect, but also an equal amount of laughing at funny stories and remembering our people. walking through the markets, having a massage, dinner with good friends and my girlfriend getting a tattoo to mark the occasion. We were also lucky to have a break in the rain to go for an early walk (in our pyjamas) and see the sunrise – something I absolutely love to do!

The other fun thing that I did at the weekend, was a pottery workshop with my mum, one of my sisters (the other couldn’t make it) and both of my nieces. We had a lesson in making fairy (elf, goblin, creatures) mugs out of clay. … a super fun way to spend a couple of hours on Saturday morning. It will be interesting to see the finished products in a month or so, once they have gone through their firing and glazing process.

I have some really mixed emotions about the next few weeks. There are some truly fabulous things coming up, that I’m really excited for and looking forward too, but I am also coming up to all of my hard dates. July and August are almost my new year markers now, the before and after dates in my life. There is usually for me, a whole lot of introspection and reflecting and questioning where I am at and how I feel about all of it. It is such a weird mixed bag of stuff! But that’s how the grief /life roller coaster goes… lots of ups and downs, but always going forward at speed.

So for those of you reading along at home, you might remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned a costume party coming up, and that I had been scammed when ordering my outfit on line! I thought I had done enough research when placing my order, and had fairly high hopes…

My hopes were entirely dashed when my parcel did eventually arrive, because what I got in no way resembled what I had been anticipating…

My solution to all of this was a trip to Spotlight (a fabric store for those not in Australia) and a purchase of a whole lot of things to get creative and make my own costume. The expense for all of this as not been insignificant – even with very generous donations of flowers, butterflies and refills for my hot glue gun from a friend. The costume will need to have several outings before I would call it a good investment, but I think in the end I didn’t do too bad of a job!

The party in question happened over the weekend, and was fabulous! Fantasy, Freaks and Fairytales was the theme, and I think I nailed the brief! Happy birthday to one of my very best Gal Pals who has been there for me in a huge way!

It’s been a pretty huge week all around – party included, culminating in another pretty big first for me. At the age of 52 I have bought my first car! That kind of stuff was always Clayties department – I just got to choose the colour, and he did all the hard work. I have found that it’s been a challenge for me! The boys will tell you that I probably haven’t done anywhere near enough research, or shopping around, but I’m actually pretty pleased with myself.

There were tears (of course) because I ended up dealing with a family friend who has been in the car business for a life time, at the same place that my last car was bought at for my 40th birthday as a gift. The salesman from that last purchase came and had a chat reminiscing and acknowledging Claytie. It feels like a really big deal in a whole lot of ways and is not helped with the run up to all of our yucky dates.

But I have to say again I’m pretty proud of myself for navigating another milestone. My patience will be tested cause I have to wait a couple of weeks, but it’s another tick in the ‘you’re a grown up now’ box of life.