Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

And just like that, the coin flips and the universe throws another curve ball!

This week, after such a fabulous week before, I have had to have some very very unpleasant conversations. It started with a message from someone not known to me – one of the joys (I guess) of social media. This person stated that they had some important information to disclose to me that I was entirely unprepared for.

It turns out that the guy I’ve been seeing has also been seeing someone else… his ex girlfriend.

Absolutely not what I was expecting or prepared for, but there was enough proof that when I asked him, could not be denied – not that he even tried.

Needless to say there has been a whole lot of not sleeping, and some pretty hardcore ugly crying! More second guessing than anyone could fathom and the realisation that it is really hard to ask the right questions when the answers truly matter!

I have been left to feel like an idiot! Hindsight being what it is, there were probably some signs that I should maybe have paid attention to. But they were never big enough or worrisome enough to feel like I needed to say anything …Given that I am who I am and take things entirely at face value, which I did, because at this age we all have baggage and there was nothing glaringly obvious, in this case I have been blindsided and caught out.

I made a point on our very first date, and other times since in the last six months, to say to him that if at any time things changed for him as far as we were concerned, all it would take was an adult conversation and we would re-negotiate, something he wholeheartedly agreed with. In fact, he said how amazing it was to have someone be open and upfront in that way and that communication was the key. Clearly an idea better kept as a concept rather than put into practice for him!

I am sad and angry and so very disappointed that that’s not what happened – that he felt the need to lie and cheat. I thought that I had found someone who got me, and who was ok with the jaggedy parts of my world. I was having so much fun and doing things that I have never done before. I am grateful for a whole lot of the experiences that I had and the people that I met, but I am pissed off that apparently not all of it was real.

But, I have been here before, and this is still not the hardest thing I have gone through. I have amazing people in my world that are helping me to pick myself up again (I Love you Coven!) and I know that I will be ok! I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know my worth and what I am prepared to accept in my world, and this is not one of those things.

This whole situation has 100% been another lesson that Life certainly knows how to change the script without notice – I have absolutely been on the receiving end of that one more than once or twice now, in fact my mum commented that I am certainly getting an education now that has never been part of my life before!… I also know that I am giving the whole dating/relationship thing a very wide swerve from now on. I don’t think I am cut out for it…. I’m going to be fine doing my own thing for right now and maybe it’s time to book another trip!?

I had the loveliest weekend doing another thing that’s new to my world… I went to the races for the first time ever and I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Through a friend of my friend, we were invited to attend Pink Ribbon day at the Gold Coast races, and we did it in style!

We left Brisbane on Friday afternoon – I took an early mark from work- and battles our way through not only Friday afternoon, but also first day of school holiday traffic! Thank goodness for a good playlist, because I sang my way through it all. We stayed at Mantra Sharks, a hotel attached to the Southport Sharks football club. I was impressed and amazed at the size of the club house, and our room was also great. We got ourselves a drink and some dinner and then went to the rooftop bar for some music and people watching.

Coincidentally my friend met someone that he had gone to primary school with in the smokers area of the bar, so we spent a couple of hours catching up with them… lots of reminiscing about people I don’t know, but it was fun to hear some of the stories!

We got up pretty early on race day and took ourselves off to get some Brekky. We were waiting on our friends to get there, and when we realised that they would be later than we had thought, we made the most of the opportunity and hit the beach!! It was sensational!!! A crystal clear blue sky and water day that just called for me to get in for some salt water therapy! It was fresh!! – but sooo good!!

Back to our room for showers and an outfit change, before meeting our friends. I (in typical Robbie fashion – this has happened more than once now!) had a shoe blow out… so my strappy pink sandals went into the bin and I resorted to a much less attractive, but way more comfortable back up pair … crisis averted!

Our tickets for the day gave us entry into a corporate box which meant beautiful food and drinks (Möet for me thank you very much!) a great view of the track and sensational people watching… I couldn’t really ask for a whole lot more! We also got to go down to the stables and see all of the getting ready that happens for the horses. Our friend’s cousin is one of the trainers and had a couple of horses in the races. It was a super cool thing to get to see, and highlighted just how labour intensive this industry is. There are so many people involved in getting to horses to the track… and they are truly magnificent animals!

Our spot in the box put us almost in line with the finish, and just above the mounting yard. It was fabulous standing outside watching the showing of the horses, the jockeys mount up and then hearing the horses thunder past! … and again, the people watching! All kinds of people from all kinds of places. Some dressed to the nines with sequins and feathers and all kinds of glamour, down to the ones who were super casual in shorts or jeans…. I had a ball!

We finished the day with a AFL football finals game – some in the group were happier with the outcome than others, and then another nightcap in the roof top bar.

Sunday morning saw us up early and off for a swim in the ocean again! Another cracking day albeit slightly cooler than the one before, but the water was glorious and just the thing for those feeling a bit seedy! We met up with our friends for a super yummy buffet Brekky, and then made the treck back home – thankfully with much nicer traffic than the trip down!

It was a truly fun weekend with great people, lots of laughs and a whole slew of new experiences for me! Thanks for the invite.. I had a ball xx

It’s funny how even this long after Claytie died there are things that catch you off guard and sting in unexpected ways.

This week I got an offer that I really shouldn’t refuse. My friend said that he would paint my front fence for me, because he has some time and it would look great. It is not the first time we have had the conversation, and the boys all agree it should be done. Colour is also not an issue, I know just what it should be! So really, anyone would think, that’s a no brainer, great offer and why not?!

For me it’s been something I have become stuck on. Initially I was really not sure why I wasn’t jumping at it, I’ve been pretty quick to make big decisions on other renovation things around the house, and it took some sitting and thinking to realise that it’s another change to a connection with Claytie.

Ever since we moved into this house, the front fence was a talking point for us. We had all kinds of plans and visions for it… Rendered brick pillars with timber panels, discussions around whether the slats should be horizontal of vertical, for a minute we looked at colourbond … there was no real urgency, and it was always in the too hard and too much money basket. Eventually Mother Nature made the call for us – there were not enough star pickets left to hold it up. Panels kept falling down onto the footpath every time the wind blew, and the decision was made to put up a new one.

I remember the weekend that we built the fence. I helped with demo and some supervising, and got a rotten sunburn, while Claytie and one of his best mates did the hard work. I have a whole lot of photos of the two of them digging holes, levelling posts and running string lines, I also remember a whole lot of swearing and laughing. It’s a really fond memory, and feels like it wasn’t all that long ago.

The other side of the front fence was done as part of my big renovation after Claytie died, so there is a whole lot of emotion caught up in it too. Our plan was always that the fence would be painted. It makes sense to preserve it! I can’t remember what colours we had talked about originally, but with what I have done since, the colour choice now makes sense.

It’s taken me a little bit of processing, but the fence is now being painted. I know it’s going to look fabulous – another (finally) finished project; and I am super grateful to my friend for doing a whole lot of hard work for me – I will get onto a brush when I get home from work (or at the weekend) so that I can say I had a hand in it too – just like the construction!- but it has been another reminder that grief is never far from the surface and will pop up in all kinds of random ways anytime it likes.

I wasn’t really sure what to write about this week… I had planned to write about being tired. I have had all the tests, and physically I am fine, it’s more a kind of mental exhaustion that carries over to the body. I am sure that a whole lot of it is the busy-ness, but it is also grief.

Anyway, that was my initial plan for this weeks blog… but then my friend and I went on a ‘vape run’ to a suburb about 15 minutes away (I don’t smoke, he does), and now there is a whole other story to tell!!

I don’t know how many of you smoke, or if you are aware of how difficult it can be to procure both cheap cigarettes and or vapes. It is now a case of – if you know a place that has them, you let others know and you then hope that the place is open when you want them to be and that they haven’t been raided. It can feel quite illicit and is fascinating to watch who comes and goes.

Anyway, we had it on good authority that the place we wanted was open and had stock. It is in a suburb that is in a lower socioeconomic area, and has a reputation for being just a little bit dodgy. The shop is located next to one of Queenslands oldest hotels, which was established in the mid 1800’s as a rest stop between Brisbane and Ipswich. It is a proper old school pub with exactly the sort of characters you would expect, in fact duelling banjos in the background would not have been out of place!

We decided once the vape purchase had been made, that we should absolutely sit with the locals and have a beer! In fact, the question was: ‘are you game!?’, and I am not one to walk away from a dare!

Initially we got a whole lot of looks – we stood out for having all of our teeth intact and were dressed reasonably well, but eventually one grizzled older gentleman started chatting with us about a book he had helped to write about China discovering the world… very interesting, and I probably had a million questions to ask, but there was a huge distraction taking place just over his shoulder that took all of our attention.

We were sitting facing the street, and directly across from us was an older Queenslander style home. As I was talking to the grizzled local, a police van pulled up right in front of the house, and two officers came out and went to the front door. There was some banging and shouting, and as they went into the home, we watched a young woman sneak out of the back door along the side of the house.. crouching as she passed under the windows and ducking right under the house a couple of times to stay out of sight.

There were quite a lot of us invested in the outcome, and there was almost a collective cheer as she made it to the top of the driveway and then legged it down the street! It was an impressive burst of speed that took her down to the corner and into another house, moments before a second police car came driving past.

Seemingly there was some negotiation that took place between the other residents of the home, because it wasn’t long before one of the cops drove himself down the street and we watched him arrest the young woman in question and bundle her into the car.

We have been speculating ever since about what she might have done, and have definitely got plans to go back to the pub to see if there will be another instalment on a different day – At the moment it is also an easy place to get a vape if you’re so inclined!

So in the last week I have found myself unceremoniously booted from a high horse I have been on for a very long time… and I don’t like it very much at all!

I came home from work the other day to a nasty piece of mail from the QLD government. It turns out that a couple of weeks ago, I had been caught speeding! This is my first ever infringement notice – excluding a couple of parking tickets, and it is not something I am particularly proud of! The boys all think it’s hilarious… and the offending piece of mail is now front and centre of my kitchen – stuck to the fridge with a magnet.

I am sure that Claytie would have thought it was pretty funny! He got a few fines over the years and I would lecture him over it. The boys have certainly all had fines – in fact one boy came seriously close to having ‘one fine too many’ so Claytie actually took that one for him! I have always been very smug about never having had one, and have probably been quite the pain in the bum about it, so this has been a bit of a hard landing!

I felt a bit sorry for myself over it for a moment or two… but the reality is I was going too fast, I got pinged and now I have to pay the fine! It has however made an impact and I am now more conscious of my speedometer than ever! Lesson learned! On the other side of that fine tho, was a pretty spectacular day, in a beautiful place with lovely people and I can’t be sorry for that!

It’s a funny thing, one of my very first posts on this platform was written while I was sitting in the pub waiting for my friends to get there… and that is where this one started as well.

It is karaoke night… I haven’t been for ages because life has been busy, but I am excited to see who our singers will be and how it will go. I don’t think that I’ll have a super late night – not like some of them have been, but it is always a good time! There is something about the music and the atmosphere that just makes me happy, and that feels like a good thing after the last few weeks.

Last week was particularly hard. You may have read the post before this one.. that was a true story. One of my girlfriends had one of the most shocking experiences that I could imagine. My friend is ok… she is working through things and I know that she will be fine, but it’s been a whole lot of darkness for her, which is shit! It has been a lot to think about … and it came at the end of all of my hard dates, and that somehow made it even more to think about.

So this week I have been doing some things to turn some of that heaviness around. I had wine time with some of my girlfriends mid week (the things you can do when there is a public holiday!). It was a much needed oestrogen boost, and all kinds of topics were discussed and analysed… cheese and wine for the win!

I also went and spent time with the cows at the Ekka – the Royal National Show for those not based in Brisbane – a ‘fair’ where the country comes to the city, and all manor of things are compared and judged competitively – from cakes, to craft, to wood chopping and cooking and of course the livestock! Dagwood dogs (sausages dipped into batter that are deep fried and then drenched in tomato sauce), fairy floss and strawberry sundaes – the staple food choices of the show, and then a gazillion dollars spent on show bags… It was a gloriously sunshiny, super busy, crowded day, but just what the doctor ordered – and we all know, quality time with cows is one of my favourite things!

Karaoke and dinner finished out the week. We sang our little hearts out – not on stage, we like to spare everyone that punishment, but at our table. It is the best kind of joyful energy and I love it! Some of my boys were also there, and it was fun teasing them about getting on stage and doing a duet with mum!! – which was a hard no all round!

A weekend spent tidying in the garden, and in the house, and a whole lot of cooking has made me feel like I’ve restored some order in my world. I tend to find that my space often reflects my mental state, and it’s all been a little bit messy for a while. There is still more to go – there always is, but I’ll keep chipping away at it bit by bit. It is all just ‘one day at a a time’ with a whole lot of forwards and backwards, but eventually, I hope, it will all feel ok!

The roller coaster of life… in one side of a duplex, a man lies dead in his lounge room. He has been depressed and not able to see a way out of his life situation. He has taken a bunch of pills and died. The police have come after the ambulance has declared him dead, because they now need to look at the circumstances around that death. The man was 51 years old, a teacher, a father, a brother… he left notes for his loved ones.

The one who found him, is outside of his home; pacing and smoking cigarettes. Her friends are on their way, they are coming to support her. She has to wait to speak to police. She doesn’t have a whole lot of information to give them, she has only been in the man’s world for a little while, they had just started dating. She is shaky. Her instinct to check on him, means that the man was found quite quickly… a cruel kindness for his children. It is cold outside, and it takes a long time. The process of death is not quick.

Right next door, the other side of the duplex, the house is full with another family. There are lots of kids of varying ages laughing and having a great time. It is a family dinner, pizza and good company. They are celebrating a 14th birthday… there is singing and cake. They are completely unaware of what has happened next door.

Life and death, side by side… a sharp and stinging reminder that the world will keep on turning regardless of what happens. Outside, 3 friends… widows who are constantly trying to navigate the fallout from the loss of someone important in their own worlds and are now caught up in this one as well. The black humour is vicious and almost immediate, anything to just get through this part… the fall out will come later.

The contrasts are everywhere… glorious beauty in the morning and cruel darkness at night. The lesson is to enjoy every minute of the good things that are everywhere. It can be too easy to let the darkness overwhelm everything and to see nothing but black… look a little bit closer… there can also be beauty in the dark – the stars don’t shine when the sun is out. Your family and friends love you x

Today I have been sitting and reflecting. It’s Clayties birthday this week. He would be 53. I should be getting things organised for a family dinner on the day to celebrate him, but instead I’m sitting in a very quiet house thinking about how much I miss him. For whatever reason, his birthday feels like the hardest of all my hard dates this year.

The last six years have seen me become a whole new person, and the challenge of figuring out who that is has been huge…. I am not sure it is done yet. There have been a million life lessons and experiences, a whole lot of travel and different relationships with a whole bunch of ‘new’ and ‘old’ people to navigate. I have learned so much about myself, and for the most part I am feeling much steadier than I did; but every so often I stop and think: I wonder if Claytie would recognise me now.

I also keep thinking of all the things that he is missing out on. His boys and the grand babies and all of the amazing things that they are doing with their lives. The fabulous people that they have all become. He would be super proud of all of them. I know he would love to see his friends and catch up with their lives, and of course his family whose grief has meant that I no longer have them in my world.

I’ve actually quite enjoyed (not sure that is the right word!?) being able to take the time to reflect. I feel like I am a whole lot more comfortable sitting with the hard emotions these days, but I know too that there is an ugly cry coming up… I’ve been teetering on the edge of it for a while now, and when it comes I will let it. I did decide the other day that I want to go whale watching in his actual birthday. I want to mark the day by doing something I love, and although we never got to do it together, I’m pretty sure he would love it too.

So that is the plan. An early start on what I am sure will be a cold morning, and some glorious nature to put me back in my place as a speck in the universe. Mother Nature has a great way of giving perspective… and that is something that always makes me happy. I am forever grateful that I got to have my favourite person for as long as I did. It is what it is, and I am who I am and I will do what I will do to celebrate him properly on his day.

Last week was pretty ordinary in a whole lot of ways. Clayties anniversary was at the start of the week and it’s a really hard day every year. I think part of me thought that it would all get easier with time, but it hasn’t. It’s different now in a whole lot of ways, but just as hard as it was right at the beginning. I don’t sleep very well around all of these dates, and I am constantly replaying that day. I also think about all of the things that have happened in my world since then, and who I am now because of it. It’s an introspective time for me and absolutely part of the roller coaster.

We did have a really nice family dinner that night, and I think for the first time the boys seemed much more happy telling stories and laughing at memories…. And it definitely helped having the tiny humans there just being themselves and enjoying ‘Cat food’ casserole.

Adding to the difficulty of the week was the fact that my brand new car (2 weeks old!!) was involved in an altercation with another car. An elderly woman failed to give way at a round about and went straight into the side of my car. To say I was unhappy would be an understatement!!! I was not gracious or kind, and my language was not friendly! Thankfully the damage was minimal and was able to be fixed in only a few days, and I had organised to have access to a hire car in the interim through my insurance company.

The week did finish a whole lot better – which I am grateful for! I went to a comedy show with some widowed girlfriends. We had a fabulous dinner, great conversation and then laughed til our bellies hurt. It was a cup filling evening and I’m so glad to have these women in my world. It is a very different thing having conversations about our people with people who get the enormity of the loss, and just how much our lives have changed, because they are walking the same path.

And my favourite day this week was a glorious day in nature! My friend and I got up early – he did need some persuasion- and drove down to Cabarita to watch the sun come up. It was stunning! Mother Nature absolutely knows how to put on the best kind of show! The sky was crystal clear and the whales were playing. We also got to watch the local dolphins play in the surf. We followed it up with a drive down to Brunswick heads to catch up with some of his friends and spent the whole day enjoying ourselves.

Great food, good company, some grounding in nature… these are the things that make my soul happy and I am so grateful to have all of them readily available. There are a couple more yucky dates to face in the next week or so, but right now I’m feeling a bit more recharged and like I can do it.

I tried really hard not to go to sleep last night because I didn’t want the nightmare to come… but it did; and just like that you’ve been gone for 6 years.

I wonder if you would recognise me now. How much of the same person is still inside – because half the time I don’t recognise myself. So much has happened in the 6 years since you died. The boys and I have learned and done so many things and changed in a million little ways, and all of them because of you.

We’re doing ok… the boys are amazing people. They are happy and achieving big things in their lives. I know that you would be super proud of them. We are all doing our best to live our lives with the you sized hole that is always there… it’s hard!

I know you’ve been around us lately… there have been all kinds of signs. I hope that they mean positive things… I have to believe that they do!

The Squish was over here just yesterday and wanted to play dress ups in your hi-vis shirts… the really ugly orange and green ones that we used to laugh about… it made me smile! We were all sooo proud of you when you won the huge award (world wide) for that company! They all saw how amazing you were too!

Tonight we’re doing our ritual to remember you… ‘Catfood casserole’ with iced coffee and pavlova for after. We’ll scratch scratchies and no one will win anything big… but we’ll laugh about how funny you always were about giving them to people. Well drink your iced coffee- all of us thinking how nasty it tastes – me especially! – and we will miss you that much harder cause you’re not here for us to tease!

The hole you left hasn’t shrunk at all. It’s still just as big and just as empty. But we’re doing our best to live big lives that make you proud. You were always the best. You still are! … but as you always said, it is what it is and we have to keep going. I love you Bubby xx