Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week has been a week of introspection, hard decisions not always executed ideally, and interesting conversations with a whole bunch of people. It has been a reminder that I’m not the only one with ‘stuff’ going on and that we all need someone to listen and be kind.

Something that I love and am grateful for, is that some friendships are strong enough that they can withstand big things especially when they are talked through and communicated. I’m not always great with difficult conversations, and recently I didn’t do so well with something I had going on. My chosen method of communication for this situation was not ideal. It felt like the best way for me to say what I needed at the time, but I know it was not a great way for the person involved to receive it. I have had so many relationships with people in our lives change since Claytie died (I have talked about it often) I am really grateful that a proper follow up conversation went a very long way to helping resolve and keep this one.

Sleep has been missing for me again this week, but rather than spending too much time wallowing about it, on Wednesday morning I took myself off super early to watch the sun come up.

I would absolutely recommend that everyone should do this at least once! Head to the beach (or out to the country side), find a quiet spot and watch the horizon. The colours in the sky as the world wakes up are magic. Its a slow coming to life that is glorious to watch, and to listen to. Waves crashing, birds slowly making their presence known and where I was, enthusiastic exercisers following their morning routine. It was cold and stunning and I’m so glad it was part of my week!

I was lucky to find a friend willing to brave the super early morning with me, and it was really lovely to have the company and the conversation. I love that after a lifetime of knowing someone they can still surprise you in a million ways! I also love that sometimes I can be the sounding board instead of feeling like it’s always me off-loading my stuff!

One of my boys moved out this week too, which is another big change for our house. It means two have flown the nest and two are still here with me. It’s such a weird feeling for me, but absolutely the right thing for my son. He has moved out before and it had a huge impact on his world. He came back home for a while to regroup and is ready to try again. I’m super excited for him and I know that he will do great things… still, as mum tho it feels bittersweet to not have him at home! There has been a lot of furniture moving and cleaning of spaces and the next in line gets ready to claim the ‘big’ room, and that has been fun to watch too.

My birthday is coming up at the end of the week. Another one without Claytie and another one making me older that he ever gets to be. It’s a hard thing to get my head around, and I’m not sure that it will ever get any easier! It’s a hum of anxiety that just sits there making itself known periodically. It’s one of those things – the marching of time- that takes me further away from when we last were. Grief is such a weird thing in so many ways… you want to get away from it but in lots of ways you also want to stay in the middle of it because it’s your connection to your person. It really is a rollercoaster!

I have a couple of things that I am putting out into the universe for the coming week, fingers crossed that they work out for me… I’ll let you know what happens!

Mindfulness and self care are two words that I have heard and thought about quite a bit this week. They seem to be popping up all over the place, so clearly a message from the universe to pay attention! It’s been kind of an average week in most ways, but my anxiety has been making itself comfortable again, which is not so much fun. At the moment I just feel like I am constantly under pressure and it’s not the nicest feeling to have, hence the need for some TLC.

Since Christmas and the stuff that took place, I have once again had huge problems with anxiety and sleep. It is a situation that is completely out of my control. I didn’t cause it, I did nothing wrong. I have tried but it has not been resolved and it has been devastating. It has taken me right back to the early days of my grief and it has been really, really hard. It had taken up a whole lot of my time and energy and it has shaken me in all kinds of ways. I’m questioning and second guessing a whole lot of things in my world at the moment. Some of it has been easy, some things much harder, but that’s life isn’t it?!

I read somewhere that the third year of grieving a huge loss like I have had can in lots of ways be the hardest. The first year you are just numb, going through the motions of the day by day stuff. Everything is hard and triggers emotions. The second year is more of a realisation that this is actually your life now; that this huge thing happened in your world and you have to survive around it. Its constant adjustments to your thinking and it’s a case of realty setting in. The third year apparently is the year that you try to figure yourself out. The year that you try and find the you that you now are and how you fit in the world; and that’s kind of what this feels like for me at the moment.

So many of my relationships have changed in the last couple of years. Old friends have left, new friends have come in. I have had big changes in my family and also at work. Some changes have been fabulous and others absolutely devastating, but all of them have been eye opening. All of them have taught me about vulnerability, strength and resilience. They have shown me that I can survive.

Maybe the universe is telling me that now is the time to look for more than survival. That all this pressure is telling me now is the time that I allow myself to forgive and be kind to myself. That now is the time to slow down and spend time learning who I am now and learning to like that person. Maybe now is the time to figure out how to be ok on my own, to accept that I can and will be fine and that I have got this.

I do know that since Christmas I have enjoyed being on my own much more than I have ever before. That it feels healthy to take time out and that I’m ok with missing out on stuff that I would have always done before. That quiet time is actually good for me and that saying no is ok. I am allowed to be selfish and change my mind. Mindfulness and self care are really important for my mental health and I need to give myself permission to prioritise that. I don’t have to have everything figured out immediately. There is no rule book for this situation, everyday is a step into figuring it out.

I am pretty sure that this like most things, is a ‘swings and roundabouts’ situation and that I’m still going to do a lot more stuff that is probably good for me; and that’s ok too! Life is much shorter than any of us want to admit to ourselves and there are so many great adventures to be had. I want to have a whole lot of those adventures, but in the meantime I am going to work on being kinder and more gentle on myself. This is all part of my new normal and it’s ok.

This week I have had some feedback that got me thinking about the weirdness of grief and this whole process. How one minute I can be a sobbing basket case on the floor, and the next laughing with someone about something stupid. One day I’m desperately sad and missing Claytie because it’s been two and a half years since he has been gone, and the next day I am out with a friend having a good time. I get that it’s a weird thing… trust me!!! It’s all kinds of crazy in my head too , but it turns out that it’s not only normal, apparently it’s actually quite healthy!

People that are much smarter than me have done a whole bunch of research into this, and their theory involves ‘loss -oriented’ and ‘restoration-oriented’ sides to grief. They are kind of self explanatory.

Loss oriented grief is triggered by memories of the person who died. You are filled with sadness remembering good times, looking at photos, doing things that remind you of your person. It might be seeing someone or something that makes you remember a special moment, or passing someone in the shops who is wearing a similar shirt or cologne. Loss oriented grief brings up sadness, anger and loneliness… it is the really hard part of grief.

Restoration oriented grief is exactly what it sounds like. It is doing things that distract you from your grief so that you can get on with the day to day things that have to happen for life to go on. Things like chores around the house, work and even social activities or watching tv. It’s a case of repressing just enough of the hard emotions so that you can still function the way you need to in your world and restore some normality.

There are also the more well known ‘5 stages of grieving’. Most people have heard of them – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It used to be thought that these were a linear progression, but they are definitely not… they also don’t come with an end date! They fit themselves into the process wherever they like. Sometimes rationally, other times not so much.

Then there is the oscillation between these processes – the Yin and Yang of grieving. The experts believe that it is important to embrace both sides of the process so that you can tackle the reality of your loss and grief bit by bit. It makes a whole lot of sense to me, and I can absolutely relate to the oscillation! That is my life at the moment!

So much research has been done about all kinds of things that make us human, and I guess that’s important; but none of it really covers each individual experience. I can relate to a lot of the things that I have read about and they make a whole lot of sense to the overall picture. None of them feel like they are enough to explain the huge emptiness inside of me since Claytie died tho. They don’t cover the personal-ness of my grief, of my loneliness, of my anger at the unfairness that the most amazing person in my world is gone; and I hate that there are some people who should know me, who are not able to see past themselves to understand the whole picture of my life now.

For the most part I try to be 100% honest with what is going on in my world – I always have… My mum used to make me write a list of how I was feeling to give to her when I was little, because even then I liked to share what was happening for me!! Those of you that have followed this from the beginning know that I don’t always paint myself in the best light. I own my flaws and faults and I try to be real.

Having said that, sometimes it’s easier to say I’m fine when I am absolutely not, because the person I am talking to is not going to cope with the things I have going on, or because I just don’t want to share my grief with them. Sometimes it’s because I’m well and truly going through a ‘fake it til you make it’ moment, and acknowledging what is actually happening for me will just derail me. Mostly tho if you ask me how I am, I will tell you exactly!

I know that for some people though, keeping up appearances particularly in grief is a much much bigger thing. I guess some feel like it is not appropriate for the world to see your feelings because you’re a man, or older or because you feel judged. Perhaps you weren’t married to your person or had only been together for a short time. Maybe they are a parent or sibling. Perhaps they were sick for a long time. It could be that there are kids involved, maybe it is how you were raised and you just don’t know how to let yourself feel the hard stuff so you suppress it and pretend you’re not hurting – even if that means lying to yourself about it. For some people pretending that none of it is real and not talking about the person who’s death has left a gigantic hole in their world is the only way that they can survive.

I’m not judging, each persons journey is their own. I am certainly not any sort of expert when it comes to this stuff, but I do know for me that if I don’t verbalise and feel what is going on there is no way that I would be able to function. Pushing down my thoughts and feelings will only work for so long before I seem to explode with it, and then it feels like a much bigger thing than it would be if I had just acknowledged it when I felt it.

I also think of it as a way of honouring my person. If I don’t talk about and remember Claytie, who will!? I can’t pretend that his life hasn’t had a profound impact on mine. We were together for almost 30 years and have 4 amazing kids together. There are so many stories and fabulous memories! His life was my life and I can’t and won’t pretend for the sake of everyone around me, that I am not absolutely devastated by his death. I am not capable of putting on any sort of lasting facade and pretending I am ok; but that is my process and who I am.

Grieving for Claytie is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes up almost my whole life these days, and while it is such a hard thing, there is also a kind of comfort in it – he was and always will be the biggest part of my world. I miss everything about him, and I miss the memories that we won’t get to make. Missing him and trying to survive takes up so much of my energy, that I don’t have any left to pretend that everything is hunky-dory and perfectly fine; we’re doing ok, but I need to be real about it. For others though, it is much more important that the world sees them just as they were before and that appearances are kept up and privacy maintained.

I get sad for people that I see, who are more concerned with avoiding their feelings and with how others perceive them than feeling ok about openly acknowledging their sadness. I get angry that there are still so many that think grief has a timeline, and that at some sort of arbitrarily set date you should feel better. I’m disappointed that society isn’t more real and accepting about just how hard this is and I am frustrated that ‘keeping up appearances’ is so ingrained that people don’t think twice about it and how damaging it can be.

There are so many people affected by grief when one person dies. The ripples of that impact spread enormously, and quite often unexpectedly. You should be allowed to feel whatever you need to, without worrying about what others think. If you want a safe place to feel some of those things, I’m here. I have space, I won’t judge and I’ll make you a cuppa… we can cry together xx

This week has kind of been another weird one for me in the way of feelings. I have had plenty of things on and have been quite busy, but I feel like I have coasted through it all in quite a disconnected way. It hasn’t been a bad week, just odd when I look back at it thinking about what to blog about.

These days I find myself going into each day waiting for it to be over. Almost like a count down to something, but I have no idea what. I have things on my calendar that are nice and I am excited about, but I just go through them when they come up, without any real connection to them, including things that I know I should be- and want to be- connected to. It’s like I get out of bed knowing that the sooner I start the sooner it will be over.

In the early days after Claytie died, this was kind of an all the time thing. It made sense because I was literally just living Minute to Minute trying to survive. As time has moved on, it has started to feel a bit less like that, but every so often it comes back with a vengeance. Everything feels big but in a really muted sort of way. It’s like I’m watching my life, but not living or feeling it – but at the same time also feeling it too much. … I’m not sure that the way I’m describing any of this will make sense to anyone who hasn’t experienced something like it, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

I know it is a kind of trauma response. The mind protecting itself from any more blows that life tosses your way. It’s like a cushion around you that stuff bounces off. I look forward, but not in a long term way. I have things that I want to do, but it’s really just a day by day thing. I don’t really look too far in front anymore, because it’s just too hard to imagine what that looks like.

Claytie and I used to have all kinds of plans for what we wanted to do years down the track… retirement plans and travel, big milestone birthdays, stuff with the kids and eventual grand kids all those kinds of things. Now all of that stuff is just a really big blank space in my head, and if there are conversations around it, it feels like I’m talking about someone else. It is like a wall comes down that I can’t see past. I know that Clayties sudden and unexpected death has caused it, and I know that I could be gone tomorrow too, so what is the point of planning too far ahead. It’s a really fatalistic way of looking at life, and it is not at all who I was or want to be, but it is absolutely part of who I am now. I know that I should “live everyday like it’s my last” – just like all those positive quotes on social media tell you to do, and while the advice is really true, and you absolutely should, finding the joy to do it in a meaningful way is hard.

Right now, everyday feels like I’m in a bubble, and when I look forward – or even backward for that matter, everything is blurry. I don’t like feeling this way. I know that stuff that has happened this year has triggered some of what I’m feeling. It is not stuff I particularly want to talk about because it is not resolved in any way, and it is upsetting. Again, it is my mind protecting itself, and I know that I will get through it.

What I do know absolutely, is that grief is hard; and that while it is easier to stay disconnected and to not feel everything entirely, that’s not really who I am – I’m just trying to figure out how to clear the blurry away!? I guess for now it is ok to do the day by day thing for a bit longer. All I can really do is listen to my body, protect my energy and try to do what feels best. I’ll continue to work at hanging on to the optimistic bits that come through, because that is who I want to be again. It’s just all part of navigating this new life I find myself in.

This week has been another reminder about how lucky the boys and I have been, both before and after Claytie died. We had the most amazing man in our lives – in my case for 32 years, and they were filled with all the good things. Sure we had some downs, but there were seriously so many more happy times than sad ones. I know I have said it before, but it really truly was my fairy tale.

Since Claytie died, I have also recognised how lucky we continue to be. We have amazing people in our world (see blog post #75) and I have been left in a position of being able to maintain the lifestyle that we had before. I have had time and support to grieve my loss, something that is a daily part of my life now. I miss him more than I ever thought could be possible, but I know how much Claytie loved me and I know that I am who I am because of him.

Our world changed completely when Claytie died. Past, present and future are all being looked at in a different way and there is a huge hole where there shouldn’t be. It is an all encompassing thing to process the enormity of that. We are lucky and grateful that in the middle of everything changing, some things have been able to stay the same. Our home, although renovated, is the same safe space that it always was. I have in lots of ways taken that for granted because I just couldn’t imagine anything else, but it is something that not everyone is lucky enough to have.

On my day off this week, I went to help a friend who is also widowed. Unfortunately for her, she has not been so lucky since her person died and she is facing some really tough things right now. The situation she finds herself in is one where she has to sell her home after trying her hardest to maintain the status quo. She has had a bunch of strangers renting rooms to try and keep her home, but things have come to a head and she has made the decision to move on.

I am honestly amazed at the strength she has shown me. She has a difficult relationship with her elderly parents, who have not been able to understand just how hard her grief process has been. People she thought of as family for nearly 20 years have let her down and walked away, and others who promised all kinds of help have not been available for her when she has needed them most. She has kept going even though it would be easier to curl up and hide from the world.

She and I met at one of the Widow support group catch ups, and while she will tell you she has no recollection of meeting me, we did in fact click straight off. We talk daily, often several times a day, and we laugh at each other constantly. I have traveled with her and things going to plan will again soon. We give each other advice about all kinds of things that we may or may not be qualified to comment on and I consider her one of my closest friends. I am in awe of the strength she has shown and the courage that she finds in herself to keep going.

Her house is now on the market and I hope with everything in me that this works out the way it needs to. She deserves for her luck to change and to be able to be able to properly grieve for her person without worrying about what is going to hit her next.

The last two and a half years, since Claytie died in July 2020 have been the craziest kind of roller coaster that life can throw at anyone. The boys and I have had to learn to live without the most significant person in our world, and we have had to navigate around the monumental fallout from that day. We have had lessons in all kinds of things – the good, the bad and the ugly! For the most part we have learned a whole lot about life, not all of the lessons have been kind, but they also haven’t been all bad.

Through all of the chaos that has happened, there have been people in our world that have been anchors for us. Their support, unconditional love, loyalty and guidance has been pivotal in getting us through the rough patches that could so easily have broken us completely. With their support the boys and I have pulled together in ways that I would never have expected and are a stronger team than ever.

My mum and Dad have been the most unwavering in their support. I can honestly say that I don’t know where/how I would be now without them. They have guided, advised, loved, and criticised when necessary. They have been my cheer squad, therapists, and help with house and garden. They have been absolutely unconditional with their love and support of the boys, and it has been so nice to see their relationships go from strength to strength. They have been our rocks and we are unbelievably lucky to have them.

My sisters, brother and brothers-in-law have also never let us down. From the quietly supportive ‘you’ve got this’ and ‘chins up’, to help with the overwhelming paperwork and black tape that comes after someone you love dies. We have had help to sell cars, build bedrooms and prune the garden. I have never had to question the love and loyalty that they bring, they are always there when we need them, and I am so grateful that they are part of our world.

We are also incredibly lucky to have the most amazing friends that have been on this ride with us. They have picked us up, held and cried with us, they have shared laughs and happy times along with disappointment, anger and outrage. They have been loud, and they have been quiet. They have been non-judgemental, and I have felt unconditional love from them both for myself and the boys. Their support has given strength when we have needed it most and I am so very thankful for them.

Then there are the boys… and there actually aren’t enough words to say how proud I am of the extraordinary men that they have become. They have had to face the most devastating thing in their lives, and they have had to recalibrate around the enormity of that loss, and the other losses that have come as part of the fallout. Each of them has felt Claytie’s absence and the trauma his death brought differently, and they have all dealt with it in varying ways, but it has brought them and me so much closer together. They have held me together when it would have been easier to fall apart. There is a strength within them that has blown me away and I am beyond grateful and proud that I get to call them mine!

And lastly, post number 75! Wow, who would have thought this would turn out to be what it has! Thank you for your interest, encouragement and support in what has been the very best kind of therapy for me. I love that I get to clear my head each week and share my experience in this grief journey. I am grateful and lucky that I have this outlet for the chaos that is in my head. I love and appreciate the part you play in my world. xx

So just when you think you’re finding a way around all of the things that are weird in your world, something new comes along that makes you shake your head! This week has been one of those weeks!!

My mid-week mind cleanse saw me head down to my favourite beach (no sunburn this time) with my parents, their two small dogs and my German aunt and uncle. We had a spectacular day once we left rainy Brisbane behind. The sky was blue, the wind was blowing and the waves were rough! My very favourite kind of beach day (although I will say that about any beach day really!). We walked, we swam and we had yummy fish and chips for lunch – with the Germans choosing to use cutlery rather than their hands to eat. It was a fabulous day!

I had to stop on my way home to get groceries – fun times indeed, but also chose to treat myself to a massage. Turns out it was a lot more ‘deep tissue’ than relaxation, and I have ended up with all kinds of bruising on my derrière! I won’t include those photos for fear of causing offence! …. The knots that I had have been released tho, and I feel a whole lot better!

All of that sounds like a reasonable week doesn’t it!? … and it was, until we got to Thursday!! That was a whole lot of WTF??? What the Hell!! And how does this shit even happen!?

Thursday afternoon I came home from work at about 3.30. I was on the phone to a friend, unlocked the door and was met by one of the boys who wanted to talk dinner ideas. Before that could happen, he looked past me out to the street and said ‘the police are here’. I hung up on my friend, turned around and there they were, walking into my yard…. 5 of them, fully kitted out with guns, tasers and body cam!

My son and I were marched upstairs to the lounge room while they stuck their heads into every room checking if anyone else was home. My dogs thought this was great fun, lots of new people to sniff… me – not so much!! We were sat down on the couch and were presented with a search warrant, told why they were there and an explanation of how it would be executed. One of the boys was being investigated on the suspicion of Fraud and forgery!

Identity questions were asked and answered. Phones requested to be put on the coffee table – out of the reach of temptation, while every room in my house was investigated. In the middle of this, one of the other kids and his girlfriend came home and were informed of their rights and obligations, and not too much later another girlfriend came home, all of us detained while the son in question was still out and about doing what he does in a day. There were a lot of looks exchanged between all of us under the watchful eye of the sergeant put in charge of us. …. So watchful we’re the eyes in fact, that when I needed to go to the toilet, she stood outside the open door to make sure I was indeed doing what I said I needed to!!

Several electronic items were taken as evidence, which involved a stack of paper work. A bunch more questions asked and answered and finally they left. I immediately called my mum to come over (cue tears and snot from me) and then a phone call to the son in question who was completely shocked and flabbergasted. He travelled as quickly as possible from his work to the police station to have a chat. The rest of us, with my mum and sister went through the events of the afternoon with a million more questions than answers, and none of us believing that there was any kind of truth to the allegations.

Upon his return home – about an hour and a half later, the creature in question was kind of chuckling. All of the drama from the afternoon stemmed from an incident last year where his social media accounts were hacked, and subsequently his identity was used to commit the fraud and forgery mentioned in the warrant. The police were more than satisfied with the information provided to them, returned all confiscated items and are happy to close out our part in this drama.

That afternoon was one of the most surreal experiences in my life and absolutely not one I was expecting to have. It was insane!! I’m incredibly thankful that it is over and that we don’t have anything to worry about (although it has messed up my already erratic sleep pattern some more!). I guess the biggest lesson learned is that we all need to be super careful to protect our identities on social media – and in general – because clearly things can take unexpected turns very quickly!

Well, this week has been a bit of a mixed bag! I’ve had some really fun and lovely outings- including the Ed Sheeran concert- with people who make me feel great. I have also had a nasty head cold (not covid – I tested twice!) and needed to stay home from work for a couple of days. It has actually been kind of nice (other than the sickness) to have time at home and just sit on the couch, but it has also highlighted how a lot of my life now is just going through the motions.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how disconnected you feel from the rest of the world when you’re in this grief bubble. Being home from work and not feeling particularly healthy has probably amplified that, but it’s a disconcerting thing. It almost feels as though I’m on the outside looking in and watching my life. I know how I am supposed to feel, and I can get an approximation of that, but nothing really actually feels like it used to, and when I do feel things they kind of don’t stick!?

There is a kind of apathy involved in just about every part of my life, and I really hate that feeling. It seems like the lows are much closer and the highs are much harder to work for and none of it actually feels real. It’s almost like when you are dreaming; you know it’s a dream so you just float along with whatever is happening… but this isn’t a dream and I won’t wake up to something better. This apathy seems to be a thing that comes and goes – or my awareness of it comes and goes. Sometimes I can go along for ages and it’s kind of just in the background, and then other times it’s right there at the front and I can’t get rid of it.

I think that having this feeling of not really feeling has been why Ive tried to keep so busy doing a million things too. I want to feel things! I don’t want to just be going through the motions and playing the ‘fake it til you make it’ game, but I don’t know what else to do really. I don’t much like myself when I just sit and wallow, and while I know I have to honour and acknowledge the grief and the sadness of Claytie being gone, I really don’t want to be a sad and miserable person forever. I know that’s not what Claytie would want either!

I will always miss Claytie and wish that my life was the one I chose rather than the one I now find myself living. I am doing my best to find things that bring me joy and make me laugh, that are comforting and fun and fulfilling, but at the moment there is still a gap between knowing what I should be feeling and actually feeling it.

So I decided last week that I need to park all the negative emotions that came with Christmas and just get on with life. There isn’t anything I can do to change what happened or the fall out from it, and hanging on to all that stuff has just not been doing anything good for me. Sometimes parking it is easier said than done, but I’m doing my best.

Having made that decision, I actually had quite a nice week. I gave myself plenty of time to rest, but I also went out and did some fun things. I went and got my finger and toe nails painted a super cheery hot pink – it makes me smile when I look at the colour! I spent time with great people, and I went out to see a musical called Six – all about the wives of Henry VIII. It’s been fun.

I had my last week for the next little while doing the late start/finish shift at work, something that has been a huge struggle for me the last couple of months. Starting Monday I am moving into another role (in the same place) and I am very happy that it has an earlier start/finish time and my world will go back to easier for me. It sounds silly when I say it, plenty of people work 9.30-5.30 without complaining, but when you get up any time from about 3am, it makes for a very long day! 7-3 is much more my style, and I am looking forward to learning another part of the process that our patients go through.

My very very favourite part of the week tho, has been to babysit my grandson for the first time. His parents went out for a lovely dinner and I was left in charge of the little man. I have to say that there is nothing better at all!! … it does come with some bittersweet – I wish that Claytie was here to meet him, he would just be sooooo delighted. I did spend some time telling baby all about his granddaddy and how much they would love each other, but mostly it was just squishy cuddles.

This coming week will be another busy one, and I am looking forward to it. I have some fun things planned with fabulous people and my German relatives are also coming back for a visit which I am excited about. It’s hard resetting myself all the time, but I guess it’s just part of the process of figuring out who I am now while living a life I didn’t choose and trying to make the best of it all.