I have been on annual leave from work this week and had all kinds of plans for being productive. As with most well laid plans, that doesn’t seem to have happened quite as I thought it would. This week, I have been tired… the sort of whole body tiredness that comes from an emotional rather than physical place, and I have instead spent quite a lot of time at home on the couch crocheting granny squares for a blanket that may or may not happen some day.

I think it has been good for me to sit and have some quiet time. I know I have needed it. We are only 1/3 of the way through the year, but a lot has happened in my world since Christmas that has needed a whole lot of processing. Losing the centre of your universe creates a kind of hyper-vigilance in all kinds of ways that doesn’t really let up. People are constantly surprising – and I know this is a theme that comes up for me quite often. I find myself drawn into games that I have no idea how to play, and am always surprised by them. I take most things at face value which is something I quite like about myself, and mostly it has worked in my favour. Sometimes though, I do get it wrong or the game changes and then I am caught out and need to process.

This is the first block of leave I have had since Claytie died, where I haven’t had a whole lot of stuff planned- every other time, there have been big trips or other social things. I did go away for my birthday weekend, but other than that I mostly thought I would do stuff around my house. I have done a couple of things – I bought my first ever new TV the other day, something that Claytie was always in charge of before, and some of my cupboards have had a tidy, but for the most part, it has been quiet time at home.

Something big that did happen this week that I have also needed to think about, is another change at work. I recently applied for a new position – I had not really been looking, I am quite happy where I have been, but it crossed my desk and was pretty much the one job I have always wanted since starting work with Qld Health. I had my first interview in a very long time just before going on leave, and found out this week that I was successful with my application. So, in a couple of weeks time I will be changing jobs and going into the Emergency department. It’s a full time role with shift work, both of which are things that I have not done for a very, very long time!

I am nervous and anxious about another big change, but I am also excited for the challenge. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a huge interest in most things medical, I have always wanted to work in Emergency, and this role will take me as close to the full on stuff as I can get without a medical degree. I am anxious about the change, and what it will bring to my world and the routines that I have. I am very much a creature of routine and I know I will find a new one soon enough; but change is hard and I am missing my chief cheerleader. I know Claytie would be excited for me. He was absolutely the best person to settle my anxiety. He is always missing, but sometimes that black hole gets just a bit bigger. The boys have been super supportive and I know that they are happy for me, but none of it feels right without Claytie.

Change is something that happens for everyone, all of the time. I have never been very good with it – anxiety has been my friend in this department for a long time now, but the hyper-vigilance that has come from losing the most important person in my world, seems to have magnified my awareness of all of the changes that we have been through. I guess it is a proper awareness of just how short life can be. It is no longer taking a whole lot of stuff for granted and appreciating (with a hefty dose of anxiety) that change is what life is all about.

I have one more week of leave before I go back to work, fingers crossed it is slightly more productive!?