This week has been an exercise in holding my anxiety at bay. I had my final day in the job I have been doing for the last 12 months on Friday. For the most part I have really enjoyed it. I have met some fabulous people and had a laugh most days, but a new job has come my way and it starts tomorrow. I have always wanted to work in the emergency department, so that is where I am headed. It is a big change for me. I will be working full time (something I have never done!) and I will be doing shift work on a 24 hour, rotating roster – I am incredibly nervous about it! Wish me luck!
You would think that after a huge change like my favourite person dying, anything else that happens would be easy. In fact, the complete opposite is true for me. These days I struggle with any kind of change, even the little things cause my anxiety to spike. I am constantly running through checklists and contingency plans for all kinds of scenarios in my head. It is an exhausting process. I try and channel Claytie telling me ‘it is what is it, it will be what it will be… suck it up and just get in with it’.. but in my brain it is not always that easy.
I know, in theory, that I will be fine. I am going to be doing something that I have always wanted to try, and it does feel like it is meant to be. But anxiety is a wicked thing that doesn’t really care! It seeks out and magnifies potential problems. It’s that feeling of imposter syndrome – I’m not really good enough, people don’t actually like me, I don’t really fit in…. It’s an all round yucky feeling and I know that it is not really rational. I’m just not entirely sure how to stop it, and when it is bad, then pretty much everything is impacted. I try to change my internal dialogue… I amp up the positive affirmations and I practice mindfulness, but it can be quite difficult to turn things around in my head.
Some of you get to see the actual mess that I become, and thanks for being kind about it, but for the most part I try to put a big fat smile on my face and fake the hell out of pretty much everything. It is not always an ideal response. Talking about massive anxiety with a big smile of your face sends incredibly mixed messages, and totally underplays what is actually going on for me. Things happen around me that I smile and nod about, I go along with but actually hate….but I don’t know what else to do. I get so overwhelmed it’s either fake my way through it or curl up in a ball and sob – sometimes both!
Anxiety has been part of my world for quite some time now. I am working on it and myself, and I know that I will find a way through it. It is another part of the grief process. The person that has always made me feel better is no longer here to do that. I am relying on memories of conversations to anchor myself and that is hard. It is all hard but I have no choice other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
On a completely different note, today is Mother’s Day. My mum has been my biggest supporter and she is absolutely my go to for pretty much everything that happens in my world! I am sure that I would not be where I am without her help. She is always there to talk me through the anxiety when it hits… and for anything else that happens! I could not do it without her, and I am truly lucky to have her x
I’m sure you’ll be fabulous at your new job.
And yes fake it till you make it, so many of us do that. Do whatever works for you. I am lost without my person 😢 I’m sure Claytie will be with you.