Mindfulness and self care are two words that I have heard and thought about quite a bit this week. They seem to be popping up all over the place, so clearly a message from the universe to pay attention! It’s been kind of an average week in most ways, but my anxiety has been making itself comfortable again, which is not so much fun. At the moment I just feel like I am constantly under pressure and it’s not the nicest feeling to have, hence the need for some TLC.

Since Christmas and the stuff that took place, I have once again had huge problems with anxiety and sleep. It is a situation that is completely out of my control. I didn’t cause it, I did nothing wrong. I have tried but it has not been resolved and it has been devastating. It has taken me right back to the early days of my grief and it has been really, really hard. It had taken up a whole lot of my time and energy and it has shaken me in all kinds of ways. I’m questioning and second guessing a whole lot of things in my world at the moment. Some of it has been easy, some things much harder, but that’s life isn’t it?!

I read somewhere that the third year of grieving a huge loss like I have had can in lots of ways be the hardest. The first year you are just numb, going through the motions of the day by day stuff. Everything is hard and triggers emotions. The second year is more of a realisation that this is actually your life now; that this huge thing happened in your world and you have to survive around it. Its constant adjustments to your thinking and it’s a case of realty setting in. The third year apparently is the year that you try to figure yourself out. The year that you try and find the you that you now are and how you fit in the world; and that’s kind of what this feels like for me at the moment.

So many of my relationships have changed in the last couple of years. Old friends have left, new friends have come in. I have had big changes in my family and also at work. Some changes have been fabulous and others absolutely devastating, but all of them have been eye opening. All of them have taught me about vulnerability, strength and resilience. They have shown me that I can survive.

Maybe the universe is telling me that now is the time to look for more than survival. That all this pressure is telling me now is the time that I allow myself to forgive and be kind to myself. That now is the time to slow down and spend time learning who I am now and learning to like that person. Maybe now is the time to figure out how to be ok on my own, to accept that I can and will be fine and that I have got this.

I do know that since Christmas I have enjoyed being on my own much more than I have ever before. That it feels healthy to take time out and that I’m ok with missing out on stuff that I would have always done before. That quiet time is actually good for me and that saying no is ok. I am allowed to be selfish and change my mind. Mindfulness and self care are really important for my mental health and I need to give myself permission to prioritise that. I don’t have to have everything figured out immediately. There is no rule book for this situation, everyday is a step into figuring it out.

I am pretty sure that this like most things, is a ‘swings and roundabouts’ situation and that I’m still going to do a lot more stuff that is probably good for me; and that’s ok too! Life is much shorter than any of us want to admit to ourselves and there are so many great adventures to be had. I want to have a whole lot of those adventures, but in the meantime I am going to work on being kinder and more gentle on myself. This is all part of my new normal and it’s ok.