This week has been a week of introspection, hard decisions not always executed ideally, and interesting conversations with a whole bunch of people. It has been a reminder that I’m not the only one with ‘stuff’ going on and that we all need someone to listen and be kind.

Something that I love and am grateful for, is that some friendships are strong enough that they can withstand big things especially when they are talked through and communicated. I’m not always great with difficult conversations, and recently I didn’t do so well with something I had going on. My chosen method of communication for this situation was not ideal. It felt like the best way for me to say what I needed at the time, but I know it was not a great way for the person involved to receive it. I have had so many relationships with people in our lives change since Claytie died (I have talked about it often) I am really grateful that a proper follow up conversation went a very long way to helping resolve and keep this one.

Sleep has been missing for me again this week, but rather than spending too much time wallowing about it, on Wednesday morning I took myself off super early to watch the sun come up.

I would absolutely recommend that everyone should do this at least once! Head to the beach (or out to the country side), find a quiet spot and watch the horizon. The colours in the sky as the world wakes up are magic. Its a slow coming to life that is glorious to watch, and to listen to. Waves crashing, birds slowly making their presence known and where I was, enthusiastic exercisers following their morning routine. It was cold and stunning and I’m so glad it was part of my week!

I was lucky to find a friend willing to brave the super early morning with me, and it was really lovely to have the company and the conversation. I love that after a lifetime of knowing someone they can still surprise you in a million ways! I also love that sometimes I can be the sounding board instead of feeling like it’s always me off-loading my stuff!

One of my boys moved out this week too, which is another big change for our house. It means two have flown the nest and two are still here with me. It’s such a weird feeling for me, but absolutely the right thing for my son. He has moved out before and it had a huge impact on his world. He came back home for a while to regroup and is ready to try again. I’m super excited for him and I know that he will do great things… still, as mum tho it feels bittersweet to not have him at home! There has been a lot of furniture moving and cleaning of spaces and the next in line gets ready to claim the ‘big’ room, and that has been fun to watch too.

My birthday is coming up at the end of the week. Another one without Claytie and another one making me older that he ever gets to be. It’s a hard thing to get my head around, and I’m not sure that it will ever get any easier! It’s a hum of anxiety that just sits there making itself known periodically. It’s one of those things – the marching of time- that takes me further away from when we last were. Grief is such a weird thing in so many ways… you want to get away from it but in lots of ways you also want to stay in the middle of it because it’s your connection to your person. It really is a rollercoaster!

I have a couple of things that I am putting out into the universe for the coming week, fingers crossed that they work out for me… I’ll let you know what happens!

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