So a couple of weeks ago I wrote about my anxiety, and how it was particularly bad because of changes at work. My job, one that I have enjoyed for the last 12 months was going to change, and I was going to be put into a role that I was 1) not going to enjoy, and 2) I know would be detrimental to my mental health… both issues that I raised in conversation several times with the person making the changes, indicating that I would happily cover any other position within the department except for that one. It is quite a difficult thing, when concerns raised are not respected, or acknowledged, given the vulnerability that there is in having this kind of conversation to start with. In the end, my worries were not taken into account which is disappointing and the one role I had asked not to do is the one I was going to have to do for the foreseeable future.
I decided that if things were going to change regardless, then I would control what that looked like. I have felt very much out of control in so many ways since Claytie died, and this has felt quite empowering to do. I applied for several roles in a bunch of different departments, and I’m happy to say that I will be starting a new position (temporarily at this stage, but with the prospects of longer term) on Monday. I’m still working for the same employer, just in a new department with different people who at this stage, seem very happy to have me on board.
It feels good to be the one making the change for myself. Everyone that knows me, knows that I am the queen of complaining – pretty much about anything, but I like to think usually in a self deprecating sort of way. This has been a complaint I have been bitching about for quite a while now, and I’m pretty sick of myself with it; I can only imagine how the poor people around me have been feeling every time I bring it up! There is only so much whinging that you can do before it becomes ridiculous and something needs to change… this is that something for me! Hopefully the right decision, and one I don’t immediately regret! Haha
I’m sad to be leaving the fabulous ladies that have been my colleagues, confidants, advisors, shoulders to cry on and friends for the last little while – 12 months or so. The office I have been working in has been a safe haven since coming back to work after Claytie died, and I am going to miss the laughs and crazy, often inappropriate conversations that we have had. I have been roundly educated in all manner of subjects by these very patient ladies. I am sure I have asked at least a million questions, interrupting their conversations to clarify the medical things that I have heard. I almost feel like I could step in and cover their jobs (but only the easy ones, and not really!). I’m pretty sure that no other group of colleagues will live up to the awesomeness that this team has been for me – and I know that if given the opportunity I would go back to them in a heartbeat!
So now I have to get my head around this next change. I’m looking forward to meeting new people and learning the processes for my new role. I’m also keen to broaden my ‘medical’ knowledge and add Theatre/ surgical things to my list of topics I’ll be an expert in haha! Don’t get me wrong… I’m still terrified by change! My nerves are through the roof and my anxiety levels are high! But it definitely feels a whole lot better taking control of that, rather than going along with something that was not going to be healthy for me. Cross your fingers that its a soft landing and I don’t freak out too much x