Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So this week, our little pocket of South East Queensland has been entirely focused on Cyclone Alfred and the trouble he created! Cyclones are not very common in our neck of the woods, so the attention around this one was kind of full on! I have to confess that my anxiety has been elevated because of it all. Having gone through the floods in 2011 and clearing out my entire house, and then again in 2022, weather events are kind of a thing now. .. let’s face it tho, most things cause me some anxiety!

We did have plenty of warning with this one, so with that in mind I set off – along with just about every other person in Brisbane, to get sandbags. My house has a couple of spots that let water in when the rain pelts down super hard, so I wanted to get some stuff in place to minimise all that. 6 hours I waited in line one afternoon after work, only to get near the front of the line and find out that they had run out of sand!… the scene in my car at that point was not a pretty one! Lucky for me I had some fabulous people help me out with getting some the next day!

I managed, eventually, to get the boys involved with preparations, which meant outdoor furniture got moved, pot plants were relocated and the sandbags and tarpaulins were placed…. And then we waited…. And waited … and waited! Old Alfred was in no hurry to actually cross the coast until several days after his predicted arrival, and luckily for us (less lucky in other parts of South East Qld) when he did arrive, it was all a bit of a fizz.

For me, it meant a very quiet weekend and home. I cleaned out a bunch of cupboards and made a very healthy donation to charity, I read a couple of books and listened to music; and I worked on my anxiety blanket! I started to crochet not long before Claytie died, and it was something that helped to keep me sane in the aftermath. I have learned that granny squares are the perfect sized project to keep my brain occupied for just long enough to reset the anxiety.

A 10×10 square is easy enough to start and finish without feeling overwhelmed, and I now have a bag full, with about half of what I need to make a queen sized blanket – eventually. Every time I feel like my brain is racing, I will sit down and pull out the crochet. … some of the squares I have made are pretty damn ugly – and I question my sanity at the time that I chose and paid for some of the wool that I am using, but I am hopeful that once it’s all put together, it won’t look so bad!

For now tho, the wool has been put back where it lives. It’s back to work and business as usual, until the weekend when I try and find some enthusiasm -both for myself and the boys, to tidy up outside and restore some order. … and I can now say I have survived another first without Claytie!

Last week I was having a cuppa with a friend and was showing her all of my recently created photo books- and there are a lot! I have gone back to about 2015 and made a book for every big trip that I have taken since then, and a couple of them are of holidays with Claytie. She was looking at one of those in particular and commented quite unguardedly, about a selfies of the two of us, saying ‘oh you don’t smile like that anymore’.

That was something that really hit home for me. It’s not something I have ever really thought about before. Of course I still smile – I have a whole lot of fabulous things in my world to smile about, but I absolutely don’t smile like that anymore. That happy-go-lucky way of feeling like you know that the future is ok, that you’ll always have your person and that they will always have you. The taking for granted that you don’t have to do all of the worrying in your own. The smile that is completely secure and hasn’t yet been touched by grief.

These days, I guess there is a shadow, a guardedness and a whole lot of ‘life experience’ that won’t ever go away. It’s all of the changes and hard moments that have happened in the last 4 1/2 years, and that’s ok too… it’s me getting older and (maybe) a little bit wiser…. And it’s not all heavy all of the time. Like I said earlier, I have a whole lot of reasons to still be smiling, and I know that there will be a whole lot more of those as well.

This week is likely to add a few more shadows tho, with Tropical Cyclone Alfred all set to make a visit to our part of Queensland. We have had two pretty significant flood events in the last 10 years, so there is a little bit of nervousness happening. Some of the boys have been sending all the updates to the family group chat, so I know they are feeling it a bit too! I’m not entirely sure what needs to be done in terms of preparation – this will be my first cyclone! – so I guess, like with everything else, we will just see what comes!

So this weekend was all about celebration, indulgence and relaxation! …. And it was completely perfect!

I was lucky enough to be invited to Tangalooma Resort, which sits on Moreton Island – just off the coast from Brisbane, to help celebrate a good friend’s 50th birthday. The island is a 75 (or so) minute boat ride away from the city, but feels like a much further away tropical paradise. The waters are crystal clear and turquoise, with barely any waves. It is stunning – and absolutely somewhere I will come back to!

I had actually been to the island and resort once before… in November 1995, heavily pregnant with my first baby. The company that Claytie worked for at the time organised a weekend get away as their Christmas party… so a very fond memory!

Sitting on the sand, by the ocean is always one of my favourite things to do, and doing it with great friends makes it all so much better! The people watching this weekend was also great! Volley ball Qld had a competition on for the two days, so we spent a whole lot of time appreciating the very athletic and energetic performances on display, and chatting with a whole host of different people.

Moreton island is home to 15 deliberately wrecked ships – mostly old sand barges, that have created a spectacular artificial reef, and a huge drawcard for tourists. We spent a lovely morning walking to the site and then trying our hand at snorkelling. It turns out that for all of my buoyancy (saddlebags, muffin top, bat wings etc) I am not a fabulous swimmer… and as close as the wrecks look to the shore, it’s actually much further when swimming it! … totally worth it tho, because once you are looking into the water, it is impossible to look away! There are so very many colourful fish, different types of coral and we were also lucky enough to see a huge turtle… it was like swimming in an aquarium! – although hearing about a shark attack just an hour or so after we were done snorkeling the wrecks was a little bit disconcerting!

The other major attraction is the feeding of wild dolphins – something that has been happening in the resort for a very long time, as my picture from earlier will show! We opted out of the paid experience this time, but sat on the side line (benches on the jetty) and enjoyed the show. It was nice to hear that the current dolphins are descendants of those from back then.

This weekend was a whole lot of quality time talking, laughing, eating, drinking, sleeping, and swimming… and it was just what I needed! Time with girlfriends is always a good thing. They give perspective and honesty alongside comfort and good company, and I feel like I have definitely needed that recently… throw in some sand and salt water therapy and the relaxation is complete!.. my cup, as they say, is full!

So this week, for the first time in nearly 6 months, I went to a Widows catch up.. and it was exactly the right thing to do. I have missed that connection with other people who totally understand what this grief stuff is like. There are people who are very new to the journey, and others who are much further along, and it feels good (and I know how weird that sounds!) to make those connections.

I hadn’t realised quite how much I have been missing and needing that. I had kind of talked myself out of going while in my relationship, choosing to spent time with my person instead, and while I don’t have any regrets, I have realised that the group gives me something that I can’t get anywhere else, and I am able to give back in there as well…. It’s a nice feeling.

The other big thing that I have done this week, is to book a trip! At my work, I have to apply for annual leave at least 6 months in advance. Last minute stuff just doesn’t get approved, and single days are very hit and miss (it’s a whole story on its own, and it makes me cranky! Lol) So in September last year I put in for some time off in April – the original plan was for D and I to go to New Zealand and do a loop of the South Island. That idea is now not going to work, but I still want a holiday… so my girlfriend and I decided quite spontaneously to go to Vietnam.

I’m pretty excited for it, and in the true spirit of spontaneity the whole thing was booked and paid for within 24 hours! We will be gone for 11 days, travelling from Ho Chi Min city up to Hanoi with several stops along the way and will be using all manner of transportation – and even though it is a fully organised tour, I am looking at it as a proper adventure – and will do the usual ‘tour guide’ blogs on the way.

It feels great to have that to look forward to. I thought for a while there that this year might be one without travel – it is not something I want to do on my own, so to now have that has given me a real lift. There is some anxiety around all the modes of transportation – I am incredibly prone to motion sickness, but I will be seeking some advice from the professionals on how to best deal with it! … I won’t let a bit of vomit stop me! Hahaha!

It’s been a good week. The anxiety rollercoaster is a thing that is always there, but the highs count as much as the lows, and I’m taking it as a win.

Let me start by saying that I know that this blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I know that I do over-share a whole lot. That is me… it is who I am and I actually quite like that about myself. There are no secrets. I write all of this stuff as a kind of therapy. It helps me to process and work through what I need to ( I actually have a whole pile of stuff that is written and may never be published) If it is not for you… you don’t have to read it. That is OK. Not everything I share is fabulous, and not everything makes me look particularly great – sometimes it is aimed at other people, and that isn’t always great either…. It is just all of the stuff that is happening in my world. I try to be respectful and I try not to be mean…. but I am always honest!

And in the spirit of that honesty…. Ohh boy, this last little while has been a roller coaster! … and not really a fun one! Relationships are really really hard – and unpredictable! And exhausting.

D and I have seen each other a couple of times this week and have gone back to speaking. He has apologised for walking away without communication, and we have talked through what happened. We both said what we needed to say and that wasn’t all pretty either! I do feel a whole lot better about of this relationship now that we have had those conversations. There are a whole lot of things in all of this for me to think about and learn from, and I plan on sitting with that for a while.

At this stage we are working at being friends, and I am really happy about that. I was incredibly sad to think that I would loose a friendship that I value highly. There will be some space and distance, and I think we both need it…. but there is still a whole lot of love, and who knows where it goes from here…perhaps it’s just as simple as our timing was just not right for now! The differences that were there, are still there and will take some work….. and it’s OK. If this is meant to be then we will find our way back together, and if not then it is what it is.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough tho, and I have missed having my person to talk to. The thing with grief (and this is definitely grief) is that the person you most want to talk to about the shit in your life, is the one who is not there and is causing the shit! I am still missing that connection, and it will take a while for those scabs to heal, but I know that I will be fine, and I know that he will be fine too… and now that we are back to talking, it doesn’t feel quite so hard anymore.

At this stage I have no intention to write anything else about this relationship, and the break up (but I can’t promise that I won’t…) My plan is to find my feet and see what comes next. As I have said in a previous blog, I do feel as though I have my equilibrium back to a large extent, and I know who I am and who I want to be. I have a whole lot of friends in my world who I can count on to support me in whichever way I need, and I am super grateful for that.

So this week, understandably, there has been a lot of reflection and dissection after my break up with D. I have published a second blog this week, as well as this one. It was written in September last year, just after we came home from our trip. I was not ready to tell that story at the time, but probably adds some context to now.

I have been really sad about this whole situation and feel kind of lost. It’s hard going from everything to nothing with no explanation, but I know that I will be ok… lets face it, although incredibly upsetting, this is not the hardest thing I have had to deal with! – but it is another loss and another grief in my life and there has been a whole lot of that since Claytie died.

My ego is pretty bruised, rejection is not a nice thing to feel; and having a relationship just end, without any sort of final conversation is pretty hard to deal with. I am also sad about the other losses – the friendships with his kids and his brother and sister in law. I’m disappointed (but also not, because that is who I am) for trusting completely and diving in head first and that not working out, and I am disappointed in him for just ghosting me once his decision was made. It all feels so completely over but also quite unfinished.

We had so many big moments together, and just as many ‘nothing’ moments. I thought I had found someone who would be in my life for a long time. We had some challenges – what relationship doesn’t?! – but I thought that we had worked through them. There was compromise on both sides, but obviously the differences in wants were too many, the insecurities too big and the time line too blurry for him in the end.

What I have learned from this whole experience is that I do know who I am and what I want from my relationships; and most of all I know that my kids will always come first in my world. I also know that I gave 100% of what I had to give to try and make this work, but with the differences that were there with what each of us wanted, maybe this was actually inevitable.

So, what comes next? I guess I am just going to sit with all of this for a while, lick my wounds and look after myself. Thank you to everyone who has been in touch with me – It is really lovely to know so many people care about me and have my back xx

Published retrospectively – I was not ready to share this one at the time that I wrote it, but it is part of my story, even though the ending is not quite what I had expected at the time…..

September 2024….

In the time that we have been together, D and I have had a whole bunch of conversations around how we see the future, and we were absolutely on the same page for how we want our relationship to be. We are committed to being each other’s person – I love him, and he loves me – simple! D has been married before and told me several times that he did not want to marry again- and that works for me. I still very much feel like Clayties wife and am absolutely not ready to marry at this stage… but I love being D’s partner and am really happy to be both of those things. We have talked about keeping our own spaces, and not spending every night together, and again, that is something that we both agreed on.

So when we were away on our big trip, something happened that kind of put a wobble in my step. While we were at the very top of mainland Scotland, having a truly sensational time together D proposed to me. He presented me with an amazingly beautiful ring that had been bought quite some time before our trip – he had been thinking about this for a while – and asked me to marry him. I was shocked! I was not expecting it! I had no idea that he was thinking about wanting to marry, and it absolutely shook me.

I went through all kinds of emotions at the time. I felt incredibly flattered and loved – who doesn’t want to know that the person they are with feels so strongly about them that they want the world to know it too. But the shock at the unexpectedness of the proposal was huge and it came with anger and disappointment too. We had never talked about getting married – in fact it was more the opposite, being happy to stay as we are. I was away from my entire support network, and couldn’t talk about it with anyone; my boys and I have not had any conversations about me remarrying – and while they won’t necessarily get any decision-making power, their opinion and happiness is hugely important to me. I feel like it is too soon for me, both since Claytie died and the start of my relationship with D. So many things were going through my head at the time, along with responding to the proposal in a way that was clear and kind and not hurtful – and still having two and a half weeks left of our trip. It was really, really hard – for both of us.

I understand why D asked me. He loves me and I love him. He wants the world to know that we are together – and a ring is a huge symbol of that. His history (which is not mine to share) has given him insecurities that make this stuff even more important for him. The whole thing was and still is in some ways, a big confused mess. In the middle of his proposal he assured me that he didn’t want me to change my name, and that we would still keep separate spaces – things that are quite contradictory to how I view marriage. Given where we were, there were so many things that we couldn’t talk about at the time either because we didn’t want to spoil what was left of our amazing holiday.

We have spoken about it all a heap of times now, and I am confident that we are back to being on the same page. I am wearing his ring (on the other hand) as a promise. It is one that I have no problems making -He is my person and I am his. We are together and are planning all kinds of future things. If I ever feel ready to get married again – he will be who I marry. But for right now, I am happy for things to stay as they are.

Well, here is a post that I was not expecting to write this week! I had actually started another one talking about a well worn subject, namely my anxiety! In the words of Eminem… ‘Guess who’s back?!” I have had some stuff going on with one of my boys that has caused a whole lot of sleepless nights and stress. It is a potentially disappointing situation for him, but we will deal with it whichever way it ends up – but me, being me, and being Mum – my anxiety is here for now.

I fell like it has been really good for a long time (for me), so I feel like I am almost a bit out of practice! What it has done for me this time, is take me back to when Claytie died and having to be the person that needs to fix things…and not being able to. I’ve been flashing back to the anxiety I had then and needing to protect everyone. I am always hopeful that by acknowledging how I am feeling, some of the yuckiness is lessened. It definitely helps to get it out of my system, but it is hard work to let it go completely. It is definitely not a nice way to feel! … and it is exhausting!

Part of the fall out of that anxiety and prioritising my kids (along with a build up of some other stuff) is that D and I have broken up. I am really sad and disappointed, and it is certainly not the way that I wanted things to go – but I guess if I know anything at all, I know that that’s life! Things happen whether you want them to or not, and you just have to deal with it.

I have absolutely no regrets about the last year and a bit. D and I had some spectacularly fabulous times, and he is an amazing man. He brought a whole lot of joy and stability back into my world, and helped me to find myself again. We worked hard to try and make things work, but I guess it comes down to both of us wanting different things from our relationship, and not being able to make those differences work.

Ultimately we all need to be as happy as we can be and live a life that’s fulfilling. I am proud of myself and need to be true to who I am and to look after my needs…. and if that means I am on my own, it will be OK. I will be OK! I know what my boundaries are, and I know that I am strong enough to get through anything. It really just is what it is…

When Claytie died my entire world shook on its axis. My foundations disintegrated and I didn’t know which way was up or down. For at least the first year to 18 months I felt like I was floundering and it was a struggle to get through each day. It was slow motion walking through fog, with no direction. It was really really hard!

When the reality of the situation became truly clear for me – and trust me when I tell you that it takes a while; because even though you know, because you were there and lived it and breathed it, it still doesn’t really feel real – then I had to figure out who I was. There were the obvious things – 46, daughter, sister, mother, friend, and the new Widow… but then there was the other part – trying to work out who this woman was, whose body I was in!! What did she want… how could she (and was she allowed to) be happy again.

Most of you have followed this blog from the early days, so you’re aware of some of the stuff that I did. All kinds of crazy dating and the madness of things that happened. For me it was a time of feeling completely untethered and out of control. I was looking for things to fill the huge hole inside of me, and not finding them – or really feeling anything. I was running away and trying to escape from my life in a way that was never going to work, and was completely not me!

A lot of the time I didn’t even recognise myself! My behaviour was hugely out of character… I don’t have any regrets, and I don’t feel like I need to apologise for any of it. All of those things and crazy experiences have taught me about myself. Who I am and just as importantly who I am not and who I don’t want to be!

It is nice tho, and incredibly reassuring to find the person that I used to be isn’t so far away anymore. That finding the right person, my new person – someone who wants to be in my world, has made all the difference. I can’t ever go back to being who I was before- none of us can, that’s not how life works, but I am certainly much more balanced than I was. I feel like I am back to being myself – I know that I can do, and be so much more than I thought. I know that I have very clear boundaries and that I am living my life openly and honestly and for me….. and I know that if things were to change tomorrow, I wouldn’t! That the madness of the ‘in-between’ is not something I would ever go back to… it is not what I want or who I am.

I still miss Claytie with every single part of me. That will never change! But I know absolutely who I am. I know that my world is (mostly) balanced again and that I have an amazing new person. I know that I am allowed to do more than just survive… that I can chose to be happy.

This week I haven’t been sure what to write about… I think I am still getting over Christmas and New Years and I am not super excited to be getting back into the swing of things at work – I really want to win the lotto and travel all over the place, but no luck so far! I have also had some frustrating things happen to annoy me!

The most upsetting thing has been having to throw out my most favourite pair of jeans. You know those jeans that you have in your cupboard that are almost like pyjama pants… they are so soft and worn in, and hands down the most comfortable thing you own!? Mine were like that… I’m sure I have had them for at least 7-8 years. They have been patched in the thighs a couple of times and are like a second skin!…. Well it seems that my own skin has grown and the jeans have been so well worn, that the other night when I sat down I could feel (and hear) them die… a massive, irreparable tear that took out the butt!

Adding insult to injury, the search for a new pair has been a demoralising effort! It seems that you can either be tall or fat, but not both! If you are fat, it is assumed that you also have short legs, and if you are tall you can have longer leg lengths, but not the waist size that you need…. and if you are tall and fat you are out of luck!

Most of the jeans I tried on would either fit my backside, or my legs, but not both! There are only so many pairs of capri length pants I want in my cupboard, and none of them are jeans! … it was a depressing effort at the shops – and can we talk about dressing room mirrors!? What a nightmare!

The new years weight loss resolution is now in full swing… lets see if this is the year I am successful!? … my track record for such things would probably say .. mmmmm! Oh well, it is what it is!