Published retrospectively – I was not ready to share this one at the time that I wrote it, but it is part of my story, even though the ending is not quite what I had expected at the time…..

September 2024….

In the time that we have been together, D and I have had a whole bunch of conversations around how we see the future, and we were absolutely on the same page for how we want our relationship to be. We are committed to being each other’s person – I love him, and he loves me – simple! D has been married before and told me several times that he did not want to marry again- and that works for me. I still very much feel like Clayties wife and am absolutely not ready to marry at this stage… but I love being D’s partner and am really happy to be both of those things. We have talked about keeping our own spaces, and not spending every night together, and again, that is something that we both agreed on.

So when we were away on our big trip, something happened that kind of put a wobble in my step. While we were at the very top of mainland Scotland, having a truly sensational time together D proposed to me. He presented me with an amazingly beautiful ring that had been bought quite some time before our trip – he had been thinking about this for a while – and asked me to marry him. I was shocked! I was not expecting it! I had no idea that he was thinking about wanting to marry, and it absolutely shook me.

I went through all kinds of emotions at the time. I felt incredibly flattered and loved – who doesn’t want to know that the person they are with feels so strongly about them that they want the world to know it too. But the shock at the unexpectedness of the proposal was huge and it came with anger and disappointment too. We had never talked about getting married – in fact it was more the opposite, being happy to stay as we are. I was away from my entire support network, and couldn’t talk about it with anyone; my boys and I have not had any conversations about me remarrying – and while they won’t necessarily get any decision-making power, their opinion and happiness is hugely important to me. I feel like it is too soon for me, both since Claytie died and the start of my relationship with D. So many things were going through my head at the time, along with responding to the proposal in a way that was clear and kind and not hurtful – and still having two and a half weeks left of our trip. It was really, really hard – for both of us.

I understand why D asked me. He loves me and I love him. He wants the world to know that we are together – and a ring is a huge symbol of that. His history (which is not mine to share) has given him insecurities that make this stuff even more important for him. The whole thing was and still is in some ways, a big confused mess. In the middle of his proposal he assured me that he didn’t want me to change my name, and that we would still keep separate spaces – things that are quite contradictory to how I view marriage. Given where we were, there were so many things that we couldn’t talk about at the time either because we didn’t want to spoil what was left of our amazing holiday.

We have spoken about it all a heap of times now, and I am confident that we are back to being on the same page. I am wearing his ring (on the other hand) as a promise. It is one that I have no problems making -He is my person and I am his. We are together and are planning all kinds of future things. If I ever feel ready to get married again – he will be who I marry. But for right now, I am happy for things to stay as they are.