Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

I was a bit unsure what to write about this week… I had some fabulous social events for friends birthdays over the weekend; one of which was a dress up – and we all know how much I love those! Having a busy weekend also reminds me how grateful I am to not work on Mondays. … I am of an age where it takes a whole lot longer to recover from things that it used to!

This time of the year is difficult for me tho… I am coming up to all of the significant dates that changed my world, and the build up this year feels particularly hard. I’m not sure why that is because for the most part I am actually in a pretty good place in myself. I’ve lost some weight and am feeling healthy, I have great people around me and I am a whole lot more confident that I used to be, but right now it feels really heavy to be doing all of this on my own.

Mostly I’m proud of myself and I want Claytie to be proud of me too. I want to know what his thoughts would be on how I have managed all of this shit for the last five years. I want to talk to him about the boys and how fabulous they are. I want his people to still be my people, our people…. I want him to be here! I want the life that I used to have!

Grief is a weird thing. It is such a rollercoaster! Just when you think you’re in an ok place something comes along to knock you right back down. It’s not even always something that you can pinpoint – which makes it hard to prepare for in any way! I know that the big dates are there, they are coming; and by now I mostly know how I will feel… it’s the day to day stuff that is the hardest… and there have been a lot of days!

Anyway… that me right now – doing my best to get through it and keep going. In the words of a great man… “it is what it is, you can’t change it, you just have to get on with it!”

It seems weirdly appropriate to publish this post on International Widows day. A ‘day’ where the United Nations acknowledges and examines the plight of widowed women all over the world in many different cultures, and not one that is likely to be celebrated in the media. It is also one that I would prefer not to be quite so intimately involved with!

The theme for this years day is: Beyond Grief, Rebuilding Lives, Strengthening Communities and Challenging Stigma, and for me personally, this blog and the support I have had from all of you, has helped me to do some of those things.

In my mind, before my life changed so completely, I had always thought of widowed people as being old – my grandparents generation. Death happened to those who were in their 80-90’s, and sometimes to unlucky ‘others’. It was absolutely not something I was expecting to happen in my world and certainly not at age 46!

Becoming a widow has changed every part of my life. It has changed how I think about the past, how I feel in the present, and it has absolutely changed how I look at my future. It is a blink of an eye moment that has impacted every single part of my world. It is a shock that you don’t and can’t recover from.

I have been incredibly lucky to have amazing people in my life who have helped me ‘keep it together’ and I have been even more lucky that financial security has not been something I have had to worry about excessively – which is not something that all widowed people have. I found a community, a support group who truly understands this new life. I have made incredible friendships, and met people that have changed my world again and for the better; and I am beyond grateful to have found my voice, and an outlet to use it, to talk about how this grief journey has changed my life.

Today I just want to say a really big thank you to all of you who follow this blog, and let me indulge in my weekly word vomit! I appreciate all of the love and support that you have given me over the last almost 5 years since Claytie died. This blog has been my therapy, and rather than just the funny dating stories that it was supposed to be, it has also allowed me to process a whole lot of thoughts, feelings, and memories (and the occasional travel run down). It’s been a bit of an anchor… sitting down and transforming my emotions into paragraphs and then sharing those with you; and when I am unsure of myself it helps to look back at some of the earlier posts to see how far I have come.

So, again… thank you for being in my world. Thank you for the support and the love. I know that the boys and I are all so much better for having you in our lives XX

This week, I went to a support group catch up and I was reminded again of how lucky I have been. I know that sounds like a bit of a crazy thing to say, because Claytie dying was definitely not lucky (and it has been an absolutely devastating thing in my world)! – but with the circumstances around it and all of the things that have happened since, I do feel lucky!

Claytie was at home with us when he died. He could have been interstate and working, or travelling at the time. Instead, we got to be with him at home. I got to hold his hand until they took him away and I am so grateful to have had that time. We had all of his favourite people there with us, and the support was incredible. I was left in a position of being able to not only stay in our home, but also to do a fairly major renovation to make sure that the house is safe for as long as I want to be there. I have been able to support the boys, and we have grown even closer as a family, and of course I have some amazing friends and family to help pick up the pieces as well.

I have been able to reconcile Clayties death (more or less) for myself as nature. His heart stopped working and that is what caused him to die. The coroner told us that there was nothing anyone (including doctors) could have done for him at that time to change the outcome, and that has been reassuring for me and for the boys. I am not saying that it is ok…. It is not! It was awful and horrific and way, way too soon, but it was nature and therefore part of life, and ultimately for me, an easier thing to get my head around.

I have a couple of friends where nature was not the cause of death for their loved one, but rather that they died at the hands of another person. Someone made a deliberate choice to use a weapon to cause a death… and for me, that would be a much harder thing to come to terms with and to make any kind of sense out of.

On top of the suddenness and absolute trauma around the events, the follow up and consequences for these crimes seem to absolutely favour the perpetrators. I know that our legal system states innocent until proven guilty, and that is as it should be, but the court systems seem to be so incredibly slow moving, with cases often taking years to even be heard by a judge; and the punishments absolutely do not meet the severity of the crimes and the impacts on the families left behind!….and then there are the appeals that drag the entire process out for even longer. It all just seems so very hard and unfair on the victims that are left to try and move forward with their grief, trying to rebuild their shattered lives, to then also have to be dealing with lawyers and the judicial system.

Two of my friends are currently going through this process, and I really can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have that constant spotlight on them and their grief. To be a short story that is sensationalised across the news outlets, and to not have any sense of closure or justice for their person for such a long time after their world collapsed. It just adds a whole other level of “unfairness” to what is already such an awful time for people, and my heart absolutely goes out to them.

Do what you feel is the right thing for you, but also don’t because other people need a bunch of stuff from you… but make sure you look after yourself, this is the time to figure out who you are… but don’t do it like that because it’s too different to how you were before. Why are you still sad? It’s been a long time now… but also, don’t be so quick to change it hasn’t been that long….

This year is 5 years since Claytie died. It feels really big and significant. So many things have happened and changed in that five years, and most of it feels surreal and unbelievable. The boys have had a whole lot of ups and downs and huge life changes. We have a whole new person in our world and another one coming. I have had a whole lot of changes too, and I thought I was doing ok. There isn’t a guide book on what it’s supposed to look like – I don’t have a clue, I’m just muddling along as best as I can… but then to be made to feel like it’s not good enough, that I should be better and so much more is really really hard.

Sooo many mixed messages coming from all kinds of directions… it’s hard to navigate how to feel about anything… or the even find the energy to try! I dont think people understand just how hard it can still be to get through a day sometimes or just how much effort it takes to pretend. … and then to be told that it’s not good enough or that you’re being selfish just pulls the ground right back out from underneath you.

I don’t know how to do this, or where I am supposed to pull the extra from. I don’t think people understand how much of my routine is a coping mechanism more than anything that I actually enjoy. The things that I do are a way of anchoring myself to some kind of reality. A lot of it is to escape, I know that… but I need the escape to be able to function. I’m doing my best for the boys, but I know that I can’t be everything that they need – I never have been. Claytie was always so much better at that than me… I was his support crew and now I have to run the show! I don’t know how!

I can’t be everything to everyone if I have nothing in myself to give. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in all directions and I can’t stretch any further. There is no bounce left in the elastic, and no more energy to put in. It’s all just too hard!

It also feels like I am not allowed to be sad anymore. That because I did repartner for a while, I should be over it. That the sad now is about the break up and not Claytie – when in reality it’s all tied in together.

I know I give other people too much power over my feelings. That I am too compliant… but I don’t know how to stand up for myself because conflict is hard and I don’t want to upset anyone else. I would rather carry that load by myself. I’ve always been the good girl, the one who doesn’t make trouble… and this all feels like a whole lot of trouble.

I need to make myself smaller – and bigger at the same time. Hide my feelings but make room for everyone else. The whole world sends mixed messages, and I do too! I go from feeling ok and in control right back to lost and devastated … and that can be in the space of half a day!

I hate this!

A little while ago, while absolutely minding my own business, my phone chimed with a notification. – actually it buzzed because it’s always on silent, but for the purpose of the story I’ll go with it chimed. There were no words in the message, just a screenshot of a black and white photograph. It was very graphic, but also quite unclear. I had to look serval times and kept having to change the angle that I was looking at. It took a little while, but eventually I thought I had an idea of what it was. It made me smile!

I contacted the sender, who at that stage was playing hard to get, busy or some such thing- so my patience had to come into play! I’m not super good at being patient and had other people to contact on my drive home from work, but felt it was imperative to wait for a return call. Hours later (actually probably only about 20minutes or so, but again for poetic license and the drama of storytelling- hours!) I was finally called back!

I spoke to the person in question and said that I am usually reasonably skilled in making out details in pictures, but that this one had me stumped for much longer than it should have! There was a quiet chuckle, and then he said: ‘it’s an unsolicited dick pic mum…. We’re having another boy!”

So there you have it… the Squish is getting a Peanut… he is upgrading to be a big brother – happening end of October and I am sooooo excited for it!

There is always the bittersweet sting when big happy things like this happen… missing Claytie and knowing just how beside himself he would be! He loved babies and little people, and he was the best Dad to our boys. I love imagining how he would be with the Squish and the fun that they would have had together. I know he would be super happy to have more small things to love and I’m just going to keep loving big for both of us x

This weekend I took myself on a road trip to visit some friends. Two people who mean a lot to me have moved to Yamba (separately and coincidentally!) and I thought why not invite myself to invade their spaces and have a glorious weekend away! … I am so glad that I did because I had a fabulous time and recharged all the batteries… I also managed to avoid some chaos at home which was probably a good thing!

The drive started with Friday afternoon traffic – which is diabolical!… and almost ended with my car in the river! Anyone who has ever driven somewhere new with me will tell you that the gps and I are not great friends, and I am really not good at knowing what 500m looks like, or on the odd occasion, the difference between left and right! (Don’t judge!) … so in this case, a wrong turn led to a necessary u-turn that almost had me reversing into the very very close river! Thankfully the crisis was averted and I made it safely to my destination!

My first stop was with one of my girlfriends. K who I have been friends with for a few years now. She is a fellow widow and the person I went to Malaysia with a couple of years ago. She moved down there a couple of years ago now and while we talk all the time, it’s been ages since we have actually caught up in person! It was really lovely to be able to spend time in her part of the world and with her new person…

We spent a couple of fabulous hours walking the beach, talking about all kinds of things and collecting driftwood. The water this weekend was a bit mucky with run off from all the rain further down the coast, so no swimming for me, but the sky was blue and the air temperature just right! The beach is always my happy place, so it actually wouldn’t matter what it looked like, I would still love it!

Her place is fabulous .. she’s a huge green thumb, so plants everywhere! I love her dog Milo (gentle giant) and the new puppy Indie was a hyperactive bonus bundle of fun!! It was super nice sitting on the couch eating pizza, watching tv and talking shit!

I also caught up with another good friend. Our kids went to school together so I have known him for a long time and we have had some great adventures together before. He recently retired and has gone for a full sea change and bought a place down there. It is perfect and he is loving it… and I can see why! He took me out and about in his van and showed me a whole bunch of fabulous places all around. I don’t know if I have a favourite spot… they are all beautiful, but the nap in the van listening to the waves was definitely a high point! … there is nothing quite like sleeping to the sound of the waves!

I had some yummy breakfasts and dinners and met some lovely people! My cup is full! It was a truly lovely and relaxing weekend, and I will absolutely head down there again – probably much sooner than I should lol!

For some reason two am seems like the right time to write this week. Don’t you hate when you randomly wake up (usually to pee) and then the brain takes over and you’re wide awake! It just seems cruel!… anyway, apparently I have a whole lot of stuff rolling around in my head that needs to come out and is making sleep difficult!

Since my break up, and the self analysing that has come with it, I have been having a lot of conversations with different people about all of this stuff, and I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last almost 5 years of my life. It has been a rollercoaster!

When Claytie died, my world stopped. It was so completely unexpected and confronting! I had no idea what to do and I couldn’t really see a way forward. I was lost and nothing in my life looked in any way the same. I knew that I didn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life – 46 was way too young for that, but I had no idea what to do, what anything would look like or how to make it happen.

The first 18 months to 2 years were a blur. There was all of the death admin to get through – the Funeral, notifications, changes to accounts, and all of the things that come when someone dies. Then I did a huge renovation of our house. Going back to work was a challenge too and took some getting used to. There were the boys to look after and had a whole lot of challenges to get through with them; and then there were changes with friendships and with Clayties family. Things were busy, but kind of contained to us.

Then came the crazy times…. And they really were! I hated being alone and the boys needed to do their own things to process their new lives without their dad. It was too soon to sit with my grief and let it happen and I didn’t know how to do that anyway. I was pissed off that I didn’t magically feel better. Surely enough time had passed, – the books and movies all imply that 12 months should be long enough- but I was still sad, angry, scared, confused and so very very lonely! My behaviour became kind of reckless in a whole lot of ways, and it was 100% escapism.

If I was busy with ‘fun stuff’ then I didn’t have to think as much about the reality of losing Claytie. Don’t get me wrong, that reality was always there (and still is) but I could leave it to the side a bit. There was a whole lot of middle finger raising ‘fuck off life’ kind of stuff that felt completely out of control. I don’t really regret any of that, – there are absolutely things that I won’t do again, but I think I needed to go through them to get to where I am now.

I was 17 when I met Claytie, and he was my whole entire world for the 28 years we had together. I was a conservative ‘library nerd’ growing up and never really did anything wild as a teenager – I was 21 when I had my first child, and then 3 more in quick succession! I never went out drinking or to nightclubs because I had Claytie and he had me. We didn’t need any of the other stuff!

A big part of my blow out and chaotic behaviour was to see what some of that ‘teenage’ stuff was like, but mostly it was testing myself and trying to figure out who I now was. Did I still have a place in the world, and would anyone actually like me!? It was both conscious and unconscious at the same time – I knew that I was being wild and reckless, and I knew that it was about escape, but I did it anyway just to feel something.

In all of the wildness, there were a couple of longer relationships that have taught me a whole lot about myself, and then there was D. When we met, it felt like I came back to myself – the wildness was over and I felt like I had found my feet again. I have no regrets about the escapist behaviours and chaotic stuff to get through my initial grief, but there was a huge relief in recognising myself again and feeling much more like I used to, and I know that it is not something I will do again.

These days, I feel like I am a very different person- so many things have changed, but I recognise my core and I really like myself again. I am proud of who and where I am now, and I know what things I am happy to accept and which things are no longer right for me. I’m still keeping myself busy, I love having things to do and look forward to, but now it is much more about enjoying my life and doing fun stuff with different people rather than escaping my world and running away from what is actually real. I am much better at sitting with my grief and acknowledging my feelings.

I don’t think that I am somehow magically all better – I know that’s not really possible, but I do feel stronger and more like myself. I feel like I am back in control. I have boundaries that feel good and I know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I’m much clearer about who I am and what I want (and don’t want) going forward – and I definitely dont feel like I need to escape my life anymore.

This week has been a bit bumpy for me. It was Mother’s Day, and for a whole lot of reasons this one hit differently and made me sad. I miss Claytie, the person who made me a mum…. I miss the way that he made a fuss (or his version of making a fuss) because the boys absolutely do not… it’s ok, that’s who they are and if it was really a drama, I could speak up about it, but this year it just hit hard. They are also not great at birthdays, so it’s been a bit of a double whammy in that regard.

This week was also my parents wedding anniversary. 52 years which is absolutely something to celebrate – but also makes me sad because mine stopped at 25. I’m jealous that it is not something I will ever get to, This year would be another milestone anniversary for Claytie and I and missing out on that (and so many other things) has been playing on my mind too… it’s one of those things where it is everything piled on all at once, and sometimes you just get that!

Outside of those things tho, I’m actually in a pretty good place. I’m feeling really comfortable in my own skin and I haven’t for a long time. I said last week that part of me is still waiting for that to change, but I’m starting to trust it more and more. Even the down days haven’t felt as heavy as they have in the past and I’m proud of myself for knowing how to sit with them and process the feelings.

I am expecting some more rough days coming up tho. The father of one of the boys girlfriends is very unwell and does not have a good prognosis. It’s been very triggering not just for that son but actually all of us. We know how hard it is and what it looks like for her family. We are all sending so much love their way x

Right now, as I sit to write this, my cup is feeling pretty full. It’s been an interesting week with interesting people and I feel good about the conversations I’ve had and more importantly, some decisions I have made.… I’ve had a nasty head cold which was less pleasant, but seems to have turned a corner, which is a good thing too. There was also a whole lot of quality time with the Squish… and that is always a bonus!

The last couple of weeks or so, I have been spending a whole lot of time thinking about my life and what I want it to look like going forward. For the last little while (2-3 or so years) I thought that to be in any way happy again, I needed to be in a relationship. I have always loved my life and have desperately missed what Claytie and I had; and while I have always known that I can never replicate that, I thought that maybe I could try again. I did come close to thinking I had found that happiness again, but I guess the timing was just not right. What I have worked out tho (and yes it’s something that everyone tells you) is that I am truly ok on my own – and right now I am actually really enjoying it…. So for now at least, I’m done with dating (or at least the serious stuff!)

I’ve had a really nice time catching up with different people for meals and conversations without any pressure or expectation, and I’m enjoying the freedom that has given me… I feel like I have somehow finally given myself permission to do that – bugger what anyone else thinks about it… and regardless of what I’ve always thought, that is actually something new for me – not overthinking it and just going with it! It’s a nice feeling!

The last trip that I took has also shown me that while it’s definitely nicer to travel with someone (which I have always done) I’m at a place in my life and with myself, that I could actually happily do it single (probably in a tour tho, because I don’t think I’ll ever be organised enough to cover all those details). Ive been looking and planning to see where and when that might be…. I have also had some invitations to visit friends in different places, and some weekend group trips that I will absolutely take on!

I like how I am feeling at the moment. It’s kind of weird, because the heaviness has been there for so long and in so many ways, that to not have lurking so much is really noticeable…. I am a bit nervous that it might not last – but that’s just how my brain goes. I have decided that for now tho, this is all good and I am going with it. I have some boundaries in place and I know that I will enforce them if and when I need to. I’m not letting myself feel pressure to do and be things that I don’t want to anymore – and that feels really positive.

This week has been a bit of a mixed bag. There have been the inevitable post holiday blues – and the subsequent research to see where I should go to next (my newsfeed is full of helpful advertisements for all kinds of tours). I have also been very grateful for another short week thanks to public holidays. The back to work depression wasn’t so bad given I only had to work two days!

For a whole lot of reasons, I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on my past relationships lately, and this week in particular. D has been in touch and we have had a whole lot of very honest conversations. I am glad that we are able to talk again and go through some of the issues that we had. It definitely helps a whole lot, and it has been nice.

I have been told (and I know it anyway) that I have spent a whole lot of time over the last nearly 5 years running away and avoiding life – or as much as that is possible, and being in relationships has been part of that. If I stay busy then I don’t have to sit with the hard and heavy stuff so much. It’s always there… and it definitely raises its head, but it’s harder to be sad when you’re off having adventures…. And maybe now is the time to have a look at that some more. – I don’t know!?

Something I have realised tho, is that for now I am very happy to be single. I am in no hurry at all to dive back into any sort of relationships and dating. Maybe now is the time to get to know myself a whole lot better and let go of some of the pressure (real or just perceived) that I have put on myself. There isn’t a guide book for any of this stuff, and certainly no right or wrong, but maybe now is the time to just sit for a bit. I do feel like I am more settled and grounded in a whole lot of ways, but at the same time, just as clueless!

I’ve also had some lovely catch ups and conversations with a whole bunch of people, and there may have also been a few drinks had! I’m so grateful to my circle for always being there. I was also pretty happy to have a bit of Squish time… although the exhaustion of chasing a toddler at soccer was very very real! His energy is something to behold!

I hope your outlook is a happy one and that you have some fun trips planned – I’m happy to spruik the merits of Vietnam (and organised tours) to anyone who wants to listen! Thanks for being in my world and letting me take up this space every week xx