So this week, understandably, there has been a lot of reflection and dissection after my break up with D. I have published a second blog this week, as well as this one. It was written in September last year, just after we came home from our trip. I was not ready to tell that story at the time, but probably adds some context to now.

I have been really sad about this whole situation and feel kind of lost. It’s hard going from everything to nothing with no explanation, but I know that I will be ok… lets face it, although incredibly upsetting, this is not the hardest thing I have had to deal with! – but it is another loss and another grief in my life and there has been a whole lot of that since Claytie died.

My ego is pretty bruised, rejection is not a nice thing to feel; and having a relationship just end, without any sort of final conversation is pretty hard to deal with. I am also sad about the other losses – the friendships with his kids and his brother and sister in law. I’m disappointed (but also not, because that is who I am) for trusting completely and diving in head first and that not working out, and I am disappointed in him for just ghosting me once his decision was made. It all feels so completely over but also quite unfinished.

We had so many big moments together, and just as many ‘nothing’ moments. I thought I had found someone who would be in my life for a long time. We had some challenges – what relationship doesn’t?! – but I thought that we had worked through them. There was compromise on both sides, but obviously the differences in wants were too many, the insecurities too big and the time line too blurry for him in the end.

What I have learned from this whole experience is that I do know who I am and what I want from my relationships; and most of all I know that my kids will always come first in my world. I also know that I gave 100% of what I had to give to try and make this work, but with the differences that were there with what each of us wanted, maybe this was actually inevitable.

So, what comes next? I guess I am just going to sit with all of this for a while, lick my wounds and look after myself. Thank you to everyone who has been in touch with me – It is really lovely to know so many people care about me and have my back xx