Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

Let me start by saying that I know that this blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I know that I do over-share a whole lot. That is me… it is who I am and I actually quite like that about myself. There are no secrets. I write all of this stuff as a kind of therapy. It helps me to process and work through what I need to ( I actually have a whole pile of stuff that is written and may never be published) If it is not for you… you don’t have to read it. That is OK. Not everything I share is fabulous, and not everything makes me look particularly great – sometimes it is aimed at other people, and that isn’t always great either…. It is just all of the stuff that is happening in my world. I try to be respectful and I try not to be mean…. but I am always honest!

And in the spirit of that honesty…. Ohh boy, this last little while has been a roller coaster! … and not really a fun one! Relationships are really really hard – and unpredictable! And exhausting.

D and I have seen each other a couple of times this week and have gone back to speaking. He has apologised for walking away without communication, and we have talked through what happened. We both said what we needed to say and that wasn’t all pretty either! I do feel a whole lot better about of this relationship now that we have had those conversations. There are a whole lot of things in all of this for me to think about and learn from, and I plan on sitting with that for a while.

At this stage we are working at being friends, and I am really happy about that. I was incredibly sad to think that I would loose a friendship that I value highly. There will be some space and distance, and I think we both need it…. but there is still a whole lot of love, and who knows where it goes from here…perhaps it’s just as simple as our timing was just not right for now! The differences that were there, are still there and will take some work….. and it’s OK. If this is meant to be then we will find our way back together, and if not then it is what it is.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough tho, and I have missed having my person to talk to. The thing with grief (and this is definitely grief) is that the person you most want to talk to about the shit in your life, is the one who is not there and is causing the shit! I am still missing that connection, and it will take a while for those scabs to heal, but I know that I will be fine, and I know that he will be fine too… and now that we are back to talking, it doesn’t feel quite so hard anymore.

At this stage I have no intention to write anything else about this relationship, and the break up (but I can’t promise that I won’t…) My plan is to find my feet and see what comes next. As I have said in a previous blog, I do feel as though I have my equilibrium back to a large extent, and I know who I am and who I want to be. I have a whole lot of friends in my world who I can count on to support me in whichever way I need, and I am super grateful for that.

So this week, understandably, there has been a lot of reflection and dissection after my break up with D. I have published a second blog this week, as well as this one. It was written in September last year, just after we came home from our trip. I was not ready to tell that story at the time, but probably adds some context to now.

I have been really sad about this whole situation and feel kind of lost. It’s hard going from everything to nothing with no explanation, but I know that I will be ok… lets face it, although incredibly upsetting, this is not the hardest thing I have had to deal with! – but it is another loss and another grief in my life and there has been a whole lot of that since Claytie died.

My ego is pretty bruised, rejection is not a nice thing to feel; and having a relationship just end, without any sort of final conversation is pretty hard to deal with. I am also sad about the other losses – the friendships with his kids and his brother and sister in law. I’m disappointed (but also not, because that is who I am) for trusting completely and diving in head first and that not working out, and I am disappointed in him for just ghosting me once his decision was made. It all feels so completely over but also quite unfinished.

We had so many big moments together, and just as many ‘nothing’ moments. I thought I had found someone who would be in my life for a long time. We had some challenges – what relationship doesn’t?! – but I thought that we had worked through them. There was compromise on both sides, but obviously the differences in wants were too many, the insecurities too big and the time line too blurry for him in the end.

What I have learned from this whole experience is that I do know who I am and what I want from my relationships; and most of all I know that my kids will always come first in my world. I also know that I gave 100% of what I had to give to try and make this work, but with the differences that were there with what each of us wanted, maybe this was actually inevitable.

So, what comes next? I guess I am just going to sit with all of this for a while, lick my wounds and look after myself. Thank you to everyone who has been in touch with me – It is really lovely to know so many people care about me and have my back xx

Published retrospectively – I was not ready to share this one at the time that I wrote it, but it is part of my story, even though the ending is not quite what I had expected at the time…..

September 2024….

In the time that we have been together, D and I have had a whole bunch of conversations around how we see the future, and we were absolutely on the same page for how we want our relationship to be. We are committed to being each other’s person – I love him, and he loves me – simple! D has been married before and told me several times that he did not want to marry again- and that works for me. I still very much feel like Clayties wife and am absolutely not ready to marry at this stage… but I love being D’s partner and am really happy to be both of those things. We have talked about keeping our own spaces, and not spending every night together, and again, that is something that we both agreed on.

So when we were away on our big trip, something happened that kind of put a wobble in my step. While we were at the very top of mainland Scotland, having a truly sensational time together D proposed to me. He presented me with an amazingly beautiful ring that had been bought quite some time before our trip – he had been thinking about this for a while – and asked me to marry him. I was shocked! I was not expecting it! I had no idea that he was thinking about wanting to marry, and it absolutely shook me.

I went through all kinds of emotions at the time. I felt incredibly flattered and loved – who doesn’t want to know that the person they are with feels so strongly about them that they want the world to know it too. But the shock at the unexpectedness of the proposal was huge and it came with anger and disappointment too. We had never talked about getting married – in fact it was more the opposite, being happy to stay as we are. I was away from my entire support network, and couldn’t talk about it with anyone; my boys and I have not had any conversations about me remarrying – and while they won’t necessarily get any decision-making power, their opinion and happiness is hugely important to me. I feel like it is too soon for me, both since Claytie died and the start of my relationship with D. So many things were going through my head at the time, along with responding to the proposal in a way that was clear and kind and not hurtful – and still having two and a half weeks left of our trip. It was really, really hard – for both of us.

I understand why D asked me. He loves me and I love him. He wants the world to know that we are together – and a ring is a huge symbol of that. His history (which is not mine to share) has given him insecurities that make this stuff even more important for him. The whole thing was and still is in some ways, a big confused mess. In the middle of his proposal he assured me that he didn’t want me to change my name, and that we would still keep separate spaces – things that are quite contradictory to how I view marriage. Given where we were, there were so many things that we couldn’t talk about at the time either because we didn’t want to spoil what was left of our amazing holiday.

We have spoken about it all a heap of times now, and I am confident that we are back to being on the same page. I am wearing his ring (on the other hand) as a promise. It is one that I have no problems making -He is my person and I am his. We are together and are planning all kinds of future things. If I ever feel ready to get married again – he will be who I marry. But for right now, I am happy for things to stay as they are.

Well, here is a post that I was not expecting to write this week! I had actually started another one talking about a well worn subject, namely my anxiety! In the words of Eminem… ‘Guess who’s back?!” I have had some stuff going on with one of my boys that has caused a whole lot of sleepless nights and stress. It is a potentially disappointing situation for him, but we will deal with it whichever way it ends up – but me, being me, and being Mum – my anxiety is here for now.

I fell like it has been really good for a long time (for me), so I feel like I am almost a bit out of practice! What it has done for me this time, is take me back to when Claytie died and having to be the person that needs to fix things…and not being able to. I’ve been flashing back to the anxiety I had then and needing to protect everyone. I am always hopeful that by acknowledging how I am feeling, some of the yuckiness is lessened. It definitely helps to get it out of my system, but it is hard work to let it go completely. It is definitely not a nice way to feel! … and it is exhausting!

Part of the fall out of that anxiety and prioritising my kids (along with a build up of some other stuff) is that D and I have broken up. I am really sad and disappointed, and it is certainly not the way that I wanted things to go – but I guess if I know anything at all, I know that that’s life! Things happen whether you want them to or not, and you just have to deal with it.

I have absolutely no regrets about the last year and a bit. D and I had some spectacularly fabulous times, and he is an amazing man. He brought a whole lot of joy and stability back into my world, and helped me to find myself again. We worked hard to try and make things work, but I guess it comes down to both of us wanting different things from our relationship, and not being able to make those differences work.

Ultimately we all need to be as happy as we can be and live a life that’s fulfilling. I am proud of myself and need to be true to who I am and to look after my needs…. and if that means I am on my own, it will be OK. I will be OK! I know what my boundaries are, and I know that I am strong enough to get through anything. It really just is what it is…

When Claytie died my entire world shook on its axis. My foundations disintegrated and I didn’t know which way was up or down. For at least the first year to 18 months I felt like I was floundering and it was a struggle to get through each day. It was slow motion walking through fog, with no direction. It was really really hard!

When the reality of the situation became truly clear for me – and trust me when I tell you that it takes a while; because even though you know, because you were there and lived it and breathed it, it still doesn’t really feel real – then I had to figure out who I was. There were the obvious things – 46, daughter, sister, mother, friend, and the new Widow… but then there was the other part – trying to work out who this woman was, whose body I was in!! What did she want… how could she (and was she allowed to) be happy again.

Most of you have followed this blog from the early days, so you’re aware of some of the stuff that I did. All kinds of crazy dating and the madness of things that happened. For me it was a time of feeling completely untethered and out of control. I was looking for things to fill the huge hole inside of me, and not finding them – or really feeling anything. I was running away and trying to escape from my life in a way that was never going to work, and was completely not me!

A lot of the time I didn’t even recognise myself! My behaviour was hugely out of character… I don’t have any regrets, and I don’t feel like I need to apologise for any of it. All of those things and crazy experiences have taught me about myself. Who I am and just as importantly who I am not and who I don’t want to be!

It is nice tho, and incredibly reassuring to find the person that I used to be isn’t so far away anymore. That finding the right person, my new person – someone who wants to be in my world, has made all the difference. I can’t ever go back to being who I was before- none of us can, that’s not how life works, but I am certainly much more balanced than I was. I feel like I am back to being myself – I know that I can do, and be so much more than I thought. I know that I have very clear boundaries and that I am living my life openly and honestly and for me….. and I know that if things were to change tomorrow, I wouldn’t! That the madness of the ‘in-between’ is not something I would ever go back to… it is not what I want or who I am.

I still miss Claytie with every single part of me. That will never change! But I know absolutely who I am. I know that my world is (mostly) balanced again and that I have an amazing new person. I know that I am allowed to do more than just survive… that I can chose to be happy.

This week I haven’t been sure what to write about… I think I am still getting over Christmas and New Years and I am not super excited to be getting back into the swing of things at work – I really want to win the lotto and travel all over the place, but no luck so far! I have also had some frustrating things happen to annoy me!

The most upsetting thing has been having to throw out my most favourite pair of jeans. You know those jeans that you have in your cupboard that are almost like pyjama pants… they are so soft and worn in, and hands down the most comfortable thing you own!? Mine were like that… I’m sure I have had them for at least 7-8 years. They have been patched in the thighs a couple of times and are like a second skin!…. Well it seems that my own skin has grown and the jeans have been so well worn, that the other night when I sat down I could feel (and hear) them die… a massive, irreparable tear that took out the butt!

Adding insult to injury, the search for a new pair has been a demoralising effort! It seems that you can either be tall or fat, but not both! If you are fat, it is assumed that you also have short legs, and if you are tall you can have longer leg lengths, but not the waist size that you need…. and if you are tall and fat you are out of luck!

Most of the jeans I tried on would either fit my backside, or my legs, but not both! There are only so many pairs of capri length pants I want in my cupboard, and none of them are jeans! … it was a depressing effort at the shops – and can we talk about dressing room mirrors!? What a nightmare!

The new years weight loss resolution is now in full swing… lets see if this is the year I am successful!? … my track record for such things would probably say .. mmmmm! Oh well, it is what it is!

I hope you all had a super happy Christmas with plenty of time to relax… along with the eating and the drinking!

I had a lovely time over the holidays, with a couple of big family events. My family do the German thing, and celebrate on Christmas Eve. This year was my turn (for the first time) to host 24 people for dinner. Luckily, I had lots of help for the cooking on the day, and with D helping me in the lead up to do all of the running around and setting up. It was a really lovely evening with all of the family (except for those traveling and having their own adventure). Ds kids were also part of the fun this year and it was super lovely to have them there…. the setting looked pretty amazing too! Christmas Eve is one of my favourite things, and I have so many beautiful memories from over the years.

On Christmas Day, I always do Brekky for my family… and it too was lovely! I go all out with Ham, eggs, massive fruit salad, waffles and home made baked beans (sooo yummy). The kids were all there as well as D and my parents, and it was fun and chaotic and all the things it’s supposed to be! The Squish was old enough this year to be quite into the whole thing, and a couple of new trucks as well as a swim with the uncles just made his day!

D and I then enjoyed a very quiet afternoon, with the boys all off celebrating more Christmas fun with their partners families. We swam and ate and napped, and enjoyed making highland Coos (a gift from Scotland)… it was bliss!

It’s a funny thing tho… because underneath all of the fun and happiness, is an under current of grief. Missing Claytie is something that is always there for me, but sometimes it just sits a bit heavier, and it’s hard. There is a real conflict with the happiness and sadness going hand in hand – seperate but also together. Talking about it is also hard.

I don’t want to take anything away from the lovely time that I had! D and I had a truly fabulous time, and Christmas this year was a happy one for me – but I was also desperately sad that Claytie wasn’t there. He would be so proud of his boys and the amazing people that they are. He would have loved every second of spending time with the Squish – playing with him and throwing him around in the pool. He would have been delighted that Christmas Eve featured his favourite hot German meal (the last couple of years have been salad), and I missed his snoring on the day bed, sleeping off the big Brekky on Christmas morning.

It’s a weird feeling being in a new relationship and missing so much of what I had. I am happy… really, really happy, but missing Claytie is always there as part of it, and it feels harder now to talk about. There is a feeling that because I am in a new relationship, that I should be ‘over’ missing Claytie. That the grief is somehow less or even gone, and that is not the case. It is just as big and heavy as it was (and I think it always will be) but it is walking side by side with the new happiness that I have.

I know from speaking with some of my widowed friends, that it is the same for them as well. Holidays and family events are hard. We are never going to not miss our person – and nor should we, that is how their memories live on, but each one of us is trying to move forward the best way we can, and to make a new life at the same time. None of it is easy, and there is no guidebook to tell us how to do it. It is just one day at a time; it is what it is!

PS… I hope that all of you have a wonderful new year, full of the most amazing moments and new memories, great people, more highs than lows, and so much love! Thanks for being in my world x

Here’s something to brighten your day….. I call it ‘The chaos that happens when things are going too well!’… I was sitting quietly, minding my own business and reflecting on the year that has been, when I get a ‘Nikko rolled in something’ shout from one of my boys… just as the creature in question jumps on my bed!…. Holy mother of god! The smell is like nothing I have had hit my nostrils before! I swear the smell came into the room before the dog did (and certainly stayed long after he left)…… Dead Frog! The most horrific thing I think I have ever smelled… indescribably putrid!
You have no idea! …

Nikko was very pleased with himself… strutting around as though it was Chanel number 5, loving himself all kinds of stupid! – and adding insult to injury (my nostrils may never recover) while we were working on containing Nikko… Daisy went and rolled in it! Thankfully another man-child came home at that point, and helped me to take them both downstairs to wash them. And just when thoughts of containment and control entered my head, they took off and chased the lizard that lives near my pool!!!

Now I have a maggot infested dead frog in my bin, two dogs (that still don’t smell entirely right after 3 rounds of shampoo) running around the house like the lunatics that they are, a lingering smell because I can’t figure out which surfaces they made contact with before I got them, a giant lizard swimming in the pool taunting us all… and Clayties voice in my ear saying ‘it is what it is!’

Merry Christmas!

Thank you for all of your love and encouragement! Thanks for following along with my musings each week and for the support that you send my way! I have had a truly great year with some fabulous people and so many amazing new memories made.

From my family to yours, I hope this Christmas brings joy and laughter, great food and merriment, good people, happy moments and so much love! x

This week has been interesting, and busy and sad…. Probably something that I can say about pretty much every week, but I feel like in lots of ways it’s been more obvious this week.

One of my friends and her family are going through a really hard time at the moment with some pretty big losses that are looming… one young and one older, both cancer. It’s an awful, yucky, horrible thing and there is nothing that anyone can do to make it better for them. There is no good time for someone to die, but somehow it feels particularly horrible at Christmas, and I am so sad for all of them.

Work has been a bit of a challenge lately. I am in an area that can be quite confronting – Maternal Fetal Medicine… a part of Maternity outpatient that deals with particularly complex pregnancies (twins, triplets etc), all kinds of disabilities as well as terminations and pregnancy loss. It can be hard sometimes with stressed parents, difficult decisions and grief. I found out at a staff meeting that I will be in that area for the next little while, which I don’t mind as I had said I was interested in it- but a conversation with my boss about it might have been nice before she announced it at a meeting!?

It is definitely an interesting place to work, and I am learning a whole lot of new things. The team is quite a small one and very inclusive, no one seems to mind the million questions that I have. Randomly, the other day a staff member from a different area popped in to have a chat. It turns out she is psychic, and gave a couple of us an impromptu reading… I will be interested to see how many of her predictions will come true!

I am kind of starting to look forward to hosting my family Christmas this year. For a while after Claytie died it was really hard to pretend, and to just get through it for the boys. This year for me feels much more positive and I have been busy putting D and the boys to work, getting the garden into shape, helping to put up fairy lights and working out if we will have enough tables and chairs…. I have done all of the wrapping, and started to sort out the food…. Now I just need for the weather to play nice and for things to go to plan. It will be lovely to have everyone together – with our version of traditional German food, and watching the Squish getting spoiled and enjoying Christmas!…. And just quietly, between my dad and D, we have a couple of options on who can play Santa!

I’m not really sure what to write about this week….it has been a bit of a case of putting one foot in front of the other and just getting through it. Everyone is hot and tired in the lead up to Christmas, and there are a million things to get done – can you believe it’s only a couple of weeks and then another year is fine!? We have another birthday this week… my oldest son is 29, and it’s making me feel old (I can only imagine how my parents feel about it! Haha). It’s a bit of a mind spin to think about both how fast and how slowly time passes!

I have been thinking myself very lucky again this week to have so many supportive people in my corner. My world looks very different to anything I could have imagined 4 years ago- people have come and gone, but those that are here are fabulous! It’s a funny thing when you look at your world – there are so many things that you take for granted that can change in a heart beat.

I think I definitely take family support a bit for granted, there have been a couple of things happening that have highlighted how lucky we are to have what we do, but in so many ways it’s just how we have always done it. I am really lucky that my family all live quite close to each other, and that there is always someone who can help with whatever the problem might be! I am really grateful that my boys have grown up seeing that this is who we are as a family, and that they are all there for each other as well, especially since Claytie died.

Case in point…. My brother in law sustained an injury a couple of weeks ago, and is not able to do the mowing at the moment (they live in the same house as my parents). My parents struggle with the mower (the one pull start feature doesn’t seem to work so well for them), so D stepped in and helped out. A relatively small task, but hugely appreciated, and a perfect example of having great people in my corner!

I envy those of you that have some time off for the holidays- I don’t get a break from work this year, the department I am in can’t close down, but I am looking forward to the public holidays and spending time with good people! In the mean time… it’s just one foot in front of the other, and enjoying the quiet moments when they come!