Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So the next part of our trip is Scotland, and it’s one of the bits we’ve been most excited for. It is home for D and we had been talking about it for ages. Getting to Edinburgh was a bit of an adventure tho!

We had given ourselves a good amount of time to pack up the suitcases, tidy up the flat and then get the train (x2) to Heathrow airport….. and then we checked the time table, only to find major delays on the train line! So with a minor amount of ‘ahhhhhggg’ we bundled ourselves up and walked the kilometre or so to the station, dragging our suitcases behind us, an hour ahead of our originally planned departure. In the end, the train went only a little bit slower than it should have, and we made it to the airport in plenty of time!

Next came the getting ourselves into the plane part of the trip! Heathrow airport is something else! It is massive, with 5 different terminals, and navigating it is not for the faint hearted! We found our baggage check in, and it turns out my suitcase was too heavy for the internal flight! It meant that I was THAT person – repacking my luggage on the ground in the middle of the crowd… fun times!

Once the bag was checked, we made our way to security, and once again, I was that person! Apparently I had overlooked putting my tiny can of deodorant into the clear plastic bag that I should have, which meant the whole bag needed to be emptied, drug tested and then repacked. Meanwhile D just sailed through and waited patiently! When we finally managed to find a spot to sit, I promptly had a little panic attack!

In the end, and with no further hiccups we made it to Edinburgh and were greeted by Ds brother and sister in law. It was so lovely to finally meet them properly! A bit of suitcases Tetris, and off we went! We had a yummy family dinner and then a drive to Queens Ferry and the Forth river Bridges for a walk and an ice cream.

Day two in Edinburgh saw us up and about early-ish to head in to town for a tour of the castle. We had a bit of a walk through the streets and the tackled the hill up the Royal Mile. It’s a doozy, and our legs were burning by the time we got there! The castle was amazing, and the view was spectacular. It kind of blows your mind to walk through a place that has been in use for such a long time and is so significant to the landscape.

We wandered in and out of all kinds of buildings, including a chapel that has been there since 1130 and was built by King David for his mother Margaret. She was made a saint in 1250. It is a tiny space that has been a sanctuary for kings and queens for centuries and is the oldest building in Edinburgh. It is beautiful. We saw the Crown Jewels of Scotland and all kinds of war memorabilia; and just before we left, we joined a huge crowd to hear the 1pm gun get shot. The gun has been shot at 1pm everyday since 1861 to help the ships in the port of Leith keep time and set their chronometers accurately to determine their longitude at sea. … even knowing that it was coming, we still jumped at the noise!

When we walked back down into town, the crowds were huge. It is the Edinburgh Fringe Festival at the moment, and there are things happening everywhere you look. We did a whole lot of walking, shopping and sight seeing, and when we got home, a quick nap before going to a Scottish wedding!

Wee George is D’s cousin (Big George is his dad, and there are also a Wee and a Big Donald in the family!) I thought the wedding was spectacular in a holy moly kind of way!
We were invited for the party after dinner, and told to get there for 7. The wedding was held in a big equestrian centre and it was cold! They had one half of the place set up in a ‘western’ theme… hay bales, a bucking bull and cowboy boots! When we arrived (right on time) they were still serving dinner and then ‘pudding’… so we found a bar upstairs and sat with a drink and just people watched! We kind of just didn’t know quite where to look… we had everything from jeans and shirts to sparkly evening dresses. (I wish I could have taken a whole lot more photos than I did!) Wee George found us at one stage and was well and truly lubricated… I think I understood maybe 3 words! We also met the bride – who bless her, had no clue who any of us were!

When we did head down to the party, it was just in time for the first dance… goodness!!! And then the dance floor opened up to everyone else…. I have never seen quite so much twerking and gyrating in one place!!! – there were a lot of young people in the group!
It was lovely to meet Aunts and Uncles – but because of the very very loud music, and strong accents, it was difficult to have conversations. It was a very entertaining evening, and I’m so glad we got to be there.

Day three in Edinburgh, saw us head back into town to do the Hop-on Hop-off bus tour of the city. We have found them to be the best way to see as much as possible in a simple way. The loop took about 45 minutes and took us past all of the significant spots with interesting commentary and historical facts. We were super lucky with the weather too, and had mostly blue sky!

The other thing we did, was an underground vault tour of the city. Edinburgh is a city that is built in layers. There are so many bridges and overpasses, and spaces that have been enclosed as the layers got built. The tour guide we had was a bit dramatic for our taste (and I think it would have been more impactful without the drama and more of a factual presentation instead) but the spaces and the stories were kind of fascinating. We also went through a super old cemetery in the city, which I found really interesting. Some of the dates on the stones just blew my mind, and I loved reading the epitaphs on them.

Day four was D’s birthday, and a typical Scottish day as far as the weather went…. Showers on and off with blue sky inbetween. After Brekky, we went for a drive to see the Kelpies. Gigantic horse heads made from steel that rise up out of the ground. They are fabulous! The walk up to them goes along a canal that has all kinds of bushes along its edge. I loved being able to pick blackberries and rosehips as we were walking past. D was excited to find an ice cream vendor who had Double Nougats – an ice cream sandwich I have heard so much about for a long time! It was pretty yummy!

Following the Kelpies, we went for a drive through the countryside to find a ‘plot’ of land (1 square foot) that D had bought me for Christmas. We had the coordinates for the spot on the certificate, and Google maps took us there. It ended up being in a field on a farm, relatively in the middle of nowhere. We decided not to gallivant all over the fields, and instead planted our Aussie flag in a derelict barn that was just next to the track.

Back home and a bit of a lie down before we went off for one of the absolute highlights of the trip – the Edinburgh Military Tattoo! What a fabulous thing to be part of! The weather was not the most cooperative, but I think it just added to the atmosphere… we bundled into multiple layers topped with rain ponchos and made our way up the Royal mile and into the arena. The grand stands are built over the edge of the cliff and are terrifying if you’re not great with heights.

8800 people fit into the seats and there was a real buzz as we waited for the performance. The castle was lit up, and the show was high energy and awesome to watch. The coordination required to match in formation, while playing an instrument, in the rain and dark is pretty impressive… and the overall performance was spectacular! I got goosebumps when the show started and all the pipers came marching out! It was a seriously sensational way to finish not only D’s birthday, but also our time in Edinburgh.

This whole trip has just been one fabulous thing after another, and lucky for us, we’re not done yet! We have a bit more of Scotland to go – and we have been looking forward to and talking about it for ages!….. but that will be next week!

We have managed to see and do so many things during our week in London! We have walked more than 97km – and have the sore feet to prove it!! It has been a surreal experience with a nursery rhyme or monopoly board reference around every corner!

On day four of our week in London, we did the Hop-on Hop-off bus tours. They have been the best way to see as much as possible of each city we have been to in the most efficient way. I would absolutely recommend them!

We went past Westminster and Big Ben, the Kings Horse Guard and Downing Street, Westminster Abbey and Hyde Park, over the Tower Bridge and through the West End. Our main goal for this day was to see St Paul’s Cathedral… and I am so very glad that we did. It is a sensational building. The ceilings and the dome are just phenomenal. The space is vast and there are just so many things to look at.

Once we had looked at all of the things on the main floor, we climbed 257 steps up to the whispering gallery (another note to self about working on fitness!) Apparently you could whisper into a hole in the wall at one side, and be heard in the other – ideal for gossip and political intrigue back in the day – we didn’t test it, but saw plenty of people who did. It did offer a fabulous view of the dome (another 180+ steps would have taken us up there, which we declined) and also a great view of the main chapel.

We also went down into the crypt. It is a specie full of burials and memorials for all kinds of people – mostly military. It feels weird walking over engraved stones knowing someone’s remains are in there, but it is fascinating to read all of the inscriptions. There was a real sense of history reading some of the names down there!

The whole place is phenomenal and just makes you think about the amazing architecture and how they would have managed the construction all those years ago! – construction started in 1635 and took 75 years to complete! It is a truly spectacular place to visit.

We finished the day by going to Trivia! … we met up with Widowed friends (see side quest blogs 153 and 154) and took our team ‘the black widows’ international! It was very different to our usual Tuesday trivia, but we had a really fun time – and we came 3rd!

For our last day in London, D and I went to Buckingham Palace and did a tour. It was absolutely fabulous! It was a self guided walking tour – with audio headsets, through the staterooms. It was amazing to see some of the spaces that we have seen on tv, in so much detail. There is amazing artwork on the walls and the decor items are stunning. The information provided is super interesting and the times are set for the tour, you really don’t feel rushed. Unfortunately we were not allowed to take any pictures inside, but the guide book is full of all kinds of information and pictures. – I have quite the collection of books from all the places we have been and am really looking forward to reading them all properly!

We finished our tour with some afternoon tea and then a stroll through the gardens and a walk through Hyde park. We made friends with a little grey squirrel who also enjoyed some scones with us, and in our walk to the bus stop we were able to watch the changing of the Horse Guards.

I can’t believe that we have had a whole week in London. The weather has been sensational and I am overwhelmed with all that we have seen and with the amazing things we have done. We talked about and planned it for such a long time (and dealt with all kinds of anxiety in the lead up) and now we are packing our suitcases back up, ready for the next part of the adventure.

So our second side quest during the London part of our trip, was a day trip to Paris! It involved getting up very, very early and heading to St Pancras Station in London to get on the Eurostar Train.

We booked an Uber to get us to the train station, and the poor driver didn’t really know what to do with us. We chose to embrace a French stereotype and all wore navy and white striped shirts and red berets. I think we looked fabulous (and we definitely got a whole lot of thumbs up, and smiles from people we encountered). D even had an Aussie flag and acted as our tour guide for the day – unfortunately, he has never been to Paris before, and had no clue, but we managed to navigate around quite successfully!

The Train trip across the border was pretty straight forward, although the electronic passport control was fiddly and quite slow. The seats were as comfy as could be expected, and I managed a bit of a nap as we went. 2 1/2 hours and we arrived at Gare Du Nord in Paris! We made our way out of the station and headed off on our adventure.

We had booked Hop-on Hop-off bus tickets, so navigated our way to the first bus stop. It was a bit of a walk, but interesting to see how different Paris is to London. All of the buildings have beautiful facades, it was a feast for the eyes! We were all quite amazed at how quiet it all was compared to the chaos of London. It was much easier to walk around without the massive crowds, and the traffic was a whole lot less too!

The loop that we did on the bus took about two hours, and took us past all of the major attractions that I wanted to see. The commentary was a bit Naff, but it did the job we needed it to do! We didn’t have time to go into any of the landmarks really – which we knew when we planned the trip- but it has given us the start of a list for next time we come this way!

The weather was amazing – down right hot, so when lunch time came around, we were all happy to stop! We found a very nice Italian restaurant, right near the Eiffel Tower, and indulged our appetites. I had one of my very favourite things – Pizza el Tonno (tuna pizza) and it was delicious. We finished with a shared Tiramisu and a shot of Limoncello for D’s birthday which is next week.

Included in our bus ticket, was an hour long cruise on the Seine. We took off from a pier right under the Eiffel Tower, and the walk from our lunch spot to the boat was beautiful – but very hot! The Eiffel Tower is impressive. We talked about climbing it, but between the heat and our limited time, it was a unanimous no!

We cruised up and down, and under a whole lot of bridges. We saw all of the seating that had been set up for the Olympics (which had finished 3 days before we got there), and we saw the Notre Dame from a different vantage point. It burned down in 2019, and is in the process of being rebuilt. Initially the estimate was for 1-2 years, but now they are saying it is more likely to take 5-10 to have it completely done. It is definitely on my list of places to visit next time I come!

Following the cruise, it was time to make our way back toward the train station. Initially we had through to take a metro train, but in the end the desire for some French patisserie meant that we walked. – the pastries were absolutely worth the incredibly sore feet and exhaustion tho!

By the time we made it back to Gare Du Nord, having walked from one side of Paris to the other, we were all tired, hot and sweaty messes, grateful for cold water and seats. Passport control was just as fiddly on the return trip, but we made it through and collected some stamps as well (not everywhere will stamp your passport anymore, which I was a bit sad about!). D and I managed a bit of a snooze on the train, and pretty much fell into bed when we got home.

Paris was a 16 hour, 17000 step phenomenal day! I can’t believe that it is something that we did. I know that it was not nearly long enough, I know that we barely scratched the surface… but how amazing is it that I got to go there!? I feel just so incredibly lucky to have had this opportunity! This whole trip is just unreal!

So in the middle of our London week, there were a couple of excursions – Side Quests if you will! I have friends who are also traveling in Europe and the Uk at the same time as D and I, and both of our extra excursions were with them. We met through the Widows support group and we decided in the planning stages for our trips, that we absolutely had to meet up. It’s been great!

The first of our Side Quests, was a day trip to Windsor castle, Stonehenge and Bath… and it was phenomenal! I am so glad that we decided to do this tour, it was amazing to get out of London and to see some of the landscape on the way to these places – not to mention just how awesome the places themselves are!

We had to get to the coach station quite early, which given the 24 hour nature of public transport here was no problem. I feel like we have managed to get our heads around timetables, busses and most of the trains (overground, underground, district lines, circle lines etc) quite well, and Google maps (offline) has been very helpful with directions to bus stops and train platforms. We have reduced the number of wrong turns quite significantly (and if you’ve ever had to go anywhere ‘new’ with me, you’ll know that’s quite an achievement!)

Our first stop on the tour was Windsor Castle. It is stunning, and looks just like you would expect a castle to look. It has all kinds of turrets, battlements, arrow slots and gatehouses. We lined up with a gazillion other people to pass through security and to be given instructions. It is still very much a royal residence, and although the king was not home when we came calling, the extra precautions do make sense.

Once inside, we walked though the grounds and to the part of the castle that houses the staterooms, and let me tell you they were seriously impressive. Unfortunately we were not allowed to take any photos – which was a bit of a shame as there is so much to look at and take in that photos would be helpful to remember it all. We saw all kinds of chambers filled with unbelievable artwork and artefacts. We saw the parts of the castle that were burned in a huge fire in 1992, and then rebuilt about 5 years later. We also walked through St George’s Chapel and saw the spot that the Queen sat for the funeral of Prince Philip (which one of the saddest things I have ever seen).

A quick walk back through the town of Windsor – and a stop for snacks at a bakery, and we were back on the bus. Our tour guide Leon was full of information about royal history, and made the 1 1/2 hour drive to our next destination feel much quicker – although I’m pretty sure some of us also managed a nap on the bus!

Stonehenge was our next stop, and one I had been super excited for. I have always found it so fascinating… what is it? Why is it there? How did they build it? …. I’m not sure I have any more answers than I did before, but it was definitely an awe inspiring thing to see. You aren’t allowed to get particularly close to the stones, and there are sooooo many people there, but it is fascinating to walk around the site, and there was almost a quietness as we all took it in. The stones are huge, at the top of a hill, in a field surrounded by more fields. It was windy when we got there, but the sky was blue and the sunshine warm. I am so glad that I was able to have this experience, I think it will stay with me for a long time.

Our third stop for the day was a very small town (4 streets) called Lacock. It is owned by the National Trust and has been used as a set for all kinds of films including Harry Potter. We had our lunch here in a very cute pub after a stroll through the streets. The town is super quaint and picturesque and I’m so glad it was one of our stops.

Our final stop was in the town of Bath. It sits right on the river Avon and is very pretty. It takes its name from the hot springs that were used for bathing by the Roman’s when they were building their empire in about 60-70BC. Unfortunately we didn’t have a whole lot of time to do too much exploring, so I’m putting this on my list of places to come back to! It absolutely needs more than a couple of hours, but I’m not complaining about the bits that we did get to see!

The drive back to London was about 2 hours, and very quiet! I think most of us on the bus took the opportunity to reflect on the day, check out our photos – or maybe just have a nap! It was such a fabulous day, and I am so glad that we had the opportunity to do it! We finished our day with dinner at a great Lebanese restaurant before heading home for a well deserved sleep!

I’m still pinching myself most days that I am here and having this fabulous adventure. I’m feeling incredibly lucky – with sore feet and a new found drive to get more fit!

Let me start this week by saying, 14 hours on a plane is brutal (even in the exit row, with all the extra leg room)! Throw in a family of 5 with three very young kids who are sick – think coughs, fevers and vomit, and it adds a whole other element to the trip! …. But, we made it! Heathrow airport is like a whole other universe to navigate -and we managed not only that, but two trains and a walk to find our accomodation while dragging heavy suitcases as well… we were pretty pleased with ourselves!

We stayed in a flat in Hoxton, right above a pub called ‘Howl at the Moon’… an interesting neighbourhood during the day, and possibly one to avoid at night! It is colourful and was home for a week! Jet lag was quite a thing for the first couple of nights, and the resident ghost woke us up most nights playing with the kitchen lights, but it’s all part of the adventure of travelling… right!?

Day one saw us up very early. We pottered around for a bit and then hit the road to see the sights! A train ride into town (squashed in like sardines!) and then the amazing sight of Big Ben just outside the station! It almost feels unbelievable to be standing infront of places that I have only ever seen on tv! A very surreal moment – and one that warranted a million photos! We were really lucky to have a warm, blue sky day thrown in for good measure!

We took a quick walk over Westminster bridge to get the full impact looking back, and it actually kind of takes your breath away! Back over the bridge and past the buildings and statues…. Parliament Square Garden, the Horse Guard Parade, St James Park, Duck Island, the Mall and then the first glimpses of Buckingham Palace. There is so much to see!

Our plan for day one was to see the changing of the guard, and we made sure to get to the palace quite early. The flag was flying so we knew Charlie was home – King Charles III for those who like to be proper about such things, and some of the windows at the front were open… I didn’t notice anyone peeking out, but maybe they like to hear the crowd!? We got a space right up against the fence, and it was amazing to see just how many people had the same idea as us! There must have been at least 5000 people, maybe even more!!! It was fabulous…. All the pomp and ceremony! I loved it!! It actually went for a whole lot longer than I had thought and my feet were quite sore at the end of it.

Once the crowd moved, we went for a stroll through St James park, past Clarence House and Spencer house. The gardens and parkland are beautiful and the most amazing green!!

Harrods was our next stop on the list! – again, another one of those places that I have heard about! There are floors and floors of all the fancy (and expensive) things! It is an easy place to get lost in, and something to see everywhere you look! The fresh food halls were a feast for the eyes, and I think dangerous for me if I lived here! We indulged ourselves by having some lunch, followed by more walking, and then afternoon tea, just for fun!!

Ready to start heading home turned into another adventure! The public transport system is phenomenal if you know what you’re doing!…. We did not so much! We thought we had it mostly figured out, but ‘trespassers on the track’ meant a detour on foot through suburbs I have only heard about on a Monopoly board…. Islington and Highbury, and a walk past Pentonville Prison! It was actually fun, but also exhausting! We met up for dinner with a couple of my friends, and then home to bed!

Day two saw us strolling one of the oldest street markets – Hoxton – right outside our flat, and Brekky while watching the crowd. Then back into town to do a Thames river cruise. We loved it! It was a great way to get a different view of some of the big landmarks, as well as seeing a while bunch of other ones for the first time! Our tour took us all the way out to Greenwich, and luckily for me, the tide was out. It meant that I could do something that I have wanted to do since we started planning this trip – Mudlarking!

Mudlarking, is literally digging through the mud on the edge of the tideline to find forgotten treasures…. And there are all kinds of things to find! We saw a whole bunch of bones – and we are going with animal rather that people bones, and I collected some Roman pottery, bits of old glass and some Victorian pipe stems (it used to be fashionable to be seen smoking a pipe, and there was a whole array of disposable clay pipes that, once done with would be thrown away) … I didnt find an actual pipe, but am very happy with my treasures none the less!

A bit of lunch, then a leisurely cruise back to Westminster followed by a bit of chaos! We were walking up to 10 Downing Street (home to the Prime Minister) and both of us commented on the amount of Police present…. It turns out they were readying themselves for a Protest March! D and I quickly moved further up the road, found a spot for a cup of tea and watched thousands of people march past, protesting the Far right and their racist views. It was pretty interesting!

We finished day two by heading into the West End of London to watch ‘Book of Mormon’ at the Prince of Wales Theatre. The show was fabulous, and the atmosphere loud and colourful! I’m amazed at the number of people out and about at all hours of the day and night. There is just so much to see and do!

Day Three started with another market – Borough market is one of the oldest food markets in London. Every type of cuisine was catered for, and the smells were mouthwatering! We indulged in some Brekky and some people watching before making our way to the Tower of London.

The Tower of London was one of the best things I have done… it was fascinating! There has been a building on that site since 1066…. Almost 1000 years of continuous use as either a palace, fortress, prison, or now – tourist attraction. There was so much to see and do, and the most glorious day for us as well! We did a tour of the tower led by a Yeoman, we saw the Crown Jewels, we walked the wall and saw a whole lot of armour and weaponry in the White tower. We could easily have spent a whole lot more time there seeing a whole lot more…. But with very sore feet, it was time to head off.

Our way home took us over the Tower Bridge and through parts of Southbank. I have been absolutely amazed by the number of people out and about at all hours of the day and night, and for everything that we have seen so far. It feels like a proper adventure and I can’t wait to see and experience so many more things!

So if you have been following along with this blog, you will know that I am currently on my big trip. I’ve been super nervous leading up to it, the build up to so many things that happen is the worst part. It is anxiety about the unknown, and the what-ifs, but now that it is happening, I’m actually so much better. D and I will be away for 5 weeks, going all over the place and the next few blogs will be all about that. Sorry, not sorry…. We’re having an adventure!

The first stop on our itinerary – after an unexpected airport catchup with some very good friends of mine, was Singapore. I have flown through here before and had a relatively quick stop at the airport, but have never stayed. I’m so glad we did! We have had a fabulous time!

The city is amazingly green and prides itself on the millions of plants that have been put in the ground. It is incredibly clean and forward thinking, and the people are very conscious of sharing space with nature. Singapore has no natural resources, and very limited space so every single thing in the country, has been imported from somewhere else. There is a whole lot of construction happening everywhere, which is not always the prettiest thing to look at, but is happening to continuously improve the already impressive infrastructure.

Initially, when we were in the planning stages for the trip, we thought we might get the train to our hotel, but that proved more of a challenge than we were ready for.. so a taxi it was! Check in gave us perhaps the smallest room I’ve ever stayed in, and certainly the firmest mattress, but it did what we needed it to do just fine, and in the end was quite comfortable.

Before we came, we had pre-booked a 48 hour Hop-on, Hop-off bus tour, which included a night tour, so we dumped our stuff and navigated our way to the pick up zone…. It was quite a walk, and a very warm one at that!! 28°C and 70% humidity, meant that we were hot, sweaty messes by the time we found our destination thanks to Google maps!! The tour was well worth it tho!

We got to see Marina Barrage – a very clever bit of engineering that helps to keep the sea away from the reclaimed land. We went to the Gardens by the sea and saw the garden rhapsody light show and had a super tasty satay dinner at Lau Pa Sat, one of the oldest hawker markets in Singapore. Our tour guide Peter was truly fabulous… the amount of information in his brain about anything Singapore was phenomenal! All in all, we managed about 7km walking, which D and I both found impressive after an 8 hour flight!

Day two saw us starting with Brekky at our hotel. It was an interesting and quite random selection. The noodles being served were tasty, but I drew the line at mashed potato, broccoli and fish fingers! Following Brekky, we made our way back to the Bus stop via a 7-11 to buy water bottles for the day. We managed to come across a Chinese temple area, which was super interesting, and unexpected!

The bus tour was absolutely worth the money. There were two different lines, that we were able to access and between them we saw…a million shopping malls, the Pit stop area for the Grand Prix that is happening in September, the Sultans Mosque, City Hall, The Helix Bridge, the Art Science museum, Marina Bay Sands, the Merlion, the botanical gardens, a gazillion bridges, the Singapore flyer, Clarke Quay, all the ritzy shops. We have smelled the smells of China Town and Little India – the durian fruits are in season and RIPE!!! 

We also did a hop on-hop off boat trip around the Harbour, which was a really nice way to get a different perspective of the city. There are some super impressive high rise buildings, and a whole lot of them have managed to incorporate plants into their balcony and roof areas.

I managed to get sunburnt on my shoulders, and we both had sore feet after the 15km we managed to walk, but we have absolutely seen Singapore! Probably one of my favourite things (and honestly quite indulgent given the outrageous price) was sitting in The Long Bar at Raffles Hotel, sipping on a Singapore Sling…. Worth every penny!

If you’re planning an adventure anytime soon, I would totally recommend a stop over here. There was a whole lot more that D and I could have done… you could easily spend a week or so exploring all the different parts! I’m so glad we have seen and done all we did! Now tho, the next part of the adventure… we are London bound – after being fleeced for $15 by the loveliest taxi driver taking us to the airport!!

We have a jam packed itinerary and I’m pretty excited for it!

Today is Clayties birthday. He would be 51 years old, but his numbers stopped at 46… 2 weeks before his next birthday. It still doesn’t feel real!

Tonight we are going to celebrate the person we love – Clayton Thomas James. The kids and my parents will be here to eat pizza and to remember the fabulous man that we all adored. It will be chaotic and loud, and it will be just right. I know there will be tears today – they are for the ‘should have been’ never, ever for the ‘what was’.

I was looking at my Facebook memories the other day (how good is that feature!?). The photos I looked at were of his last birthday. We celebrated with Brekky and a cake at his sisters house. His parents were there and so were the kids. It was a bit of a tradition for the last few years. Clayties niece was born just a couple of days before his 40th birthday, and they always shared a cake – the big number(46) for him, and the little one (6) for her.

The photo made me cry! So many things have changed since that day, and it hurts. Claytie is obviously the main and central figure that is missing, but there are now so many other losses around him, that are so hard to comprehend.

I try hard to turn it around in my head and remember the good times that we had. Mostly I manage to do that…. We were so lucky to have what we did – the relationships, the fun and the love, and I will never not be grateful for it!

I will always miss the life that I had. I miss Claytie more than I can say, but I know that the best gift I can give to him, is to live life for both of us. To honour his memory the best way I know how. – ‘It is what it is’ and there is nothing else I can do

I was talking to my mum this morning, and she was asking about my anxiety leading up to traveling next week. It’s been a roller coaster, not just for me, but also for D. I have never been fabulous at travelling …. I love the destination and all of the adventures that I have when I get there, but the lead up to it is rough – and unfortunately for everyone around me, I tend to go straight for tears and snot when I am feeling anxious (or anything else really!)

Let me start by saying, that inspite of all my talk of anxiety, the positives of it all far, far outweigh any negatives! I am super excited for this trip and all of the things that we have planned – you’re all going to be sick of the travel updates that the next few weeks of this blog will bring; but the lead up to it (as with most big things in my life) has brought with it nerves and trepidation.

I feel like I have always been this way about traveling tho! I remember a trip years ago, back to Germany with my parents, for my Opas 90th birthday. Leading up to that trip, I made sure to have all the kids photos up to date and I made Claytie write out a Will for both of us … just in case! When Claytie and I went to Japan on a work trip, I had a ring binder full of instructions for each day for my mum and his dad to look after the kids (not sure they followed any of it, but that is beside the point); and last time Claytie and I travelled together, back to Germany in 2019, I’m pretty sure we contacted the kids (who were all adults by this stage!) every single day.

I am actually super excited for this trip – have I mentioned that?! We have the most amazing itinerary planned, and there are things on it that I never imagined I would get to do… and that I think is part of the nerves for me. This is another new, another first that I am facing head on… and this lead up has been all though July and the significant dates that it brings (today is the anniversary of Clayties funeral, next week is his birthday).

Part of my anxiety is about feeling like I am/will be judged- and before you all comment on that thought – I know! …. But I have felt judgement from the people that were part of my life before, and are now no longer. … I also know that it is their loss, that I am maybe better off, that I am not doing anything wrong and all of those things, but that feeling is there anyway. Now, I am not letting it stop me – I haven’t yet!- but I have to acknowledge that it exists for me.

I’m super excited to have this experience with D, and I know I am not alone feeling nervous about it (we are actually very well suited!). I will be meeting his people, and he will be meeting more of mine, we will be spending all of our time together for 5 weeks, and we will really see each other warts and all! … and that is really really nice, and kind of scary all at the same time!

So, with one week to go, it’s time to start packing – over packing and then changing my mind each day until we go! It is one more week of getting through work, and it’s one more week to try and micromanage the boys to do things my way while I’m gone (again – I know!!! No chance! And they will be fine!) … and it’s one last week to ride the ‘anticipation rollercoaster’ before we have a grand adventure!

Today it is exactly four years since my husband died; since my entire world changed completely.

It has been both a blur and an eternity. I remember the day in vivid, technicolor detail and have also forgotten so much of that time. When I read back over these blog posts that started about 18 months into this journey, I am astonished at what my boys and I have gone through and survived. I am proud of myself for getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other when it would have been so much easier to stay curled up in a ball avoiding the world.

I am heartbroken for all of the secondary losses that have come, and the people that I can no longer call family; and at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for those who stayed and for the new ones that have come along. I am amazed at the experiences that I have had and the boundaries that I have pushed, as well as the boundaries that I have put up.

I am so incredibly grateful that I had 28 amazing years of living a fairy tale with the sensational man that was Claytie. That we created four phenomenal humans who have been my saving grace. And mostly I just feel so very, very lucky that Clayton Thomas James chose me to be his forever.

Today the boys and I will celebrate and remember Claytie. We will eat ‘catfood casserole’ and scratch scratchies. We’ll remember all the funny things that happened and we’ll listen to his music. ‘It is what it is’ and we will make the most of it x

I was having a conversation with someone the other day about all of my hard days in July, and naturally there were tears for me. The whole month is full of dates that are big. – Our wedding anniversary, our last date, his death anniversary, the day of his funeral, his birthday…. So many dates that fill me with sorrow! But then, as is usually the case, the conversation moved on and we started talking to the big trip I have coming up in July with my new partner and how excited I am for it, and the person I was talking to asked me if that was weird. To be so sad about my husband and missing him so much, and at the same time to be happy and excited and looking forward to adventures with my new partner, and honestly, in a million ways, yes it is…. And then in a million more, not at all.

This for me is absolutely the duality of grief and moving forward. The split personality thing that happens when you lose your person. I will never not be sad that Claytie is gone. He was my entire world for such a long time – more than half of my life at this stage! I am devastated at all of the things we had planned that we now don’t get to do. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and wish he was here. I still reach for my phone to tell him things that have happened, or stuff I hear about people in our world that he would love to know about; things that are happening with the boys and the Squish…

But at the same time, there are so many things happening right now that I’m excited and grateful for. I get to travel and and experience amazing things with someone who has brought a whole lot of joy and love back into my life. I get to have adventures and see all kinds of things, meet people that I wouldn’t otherwise get to know. I have a bunch of fabulous new friends to add to those that were there before, and I have four amazing kids that make me proud every single day… and I get to live a really full life that I am incredibly happy about.

I’m finding that grief is a constant balancing act between the sad and the happy, it’s a continuous rollercoaster of bitter sweetness. I am living both sides of that every day, and it can be confusing as hell. There is also a whole lot of anxiety around all of it, and without any sort of guide book it’s like wearing a blindfold on a see-saw and wrestling an octopus into a string bag. I have no idea what I am doing or what I am supposed to be doing, so as always, it is one day at a time.

It is really hard to explain just how bi-polar all of this is. Trying to feel all of the emotions – good and bad- and giving them the right amount of weight. I know that Claytie wouldn’t want me to be sitting alone crying all of the time, but at the same time his loss is so huge in my world the when I let myself, that is exactly what I want to do. When I am having good days (and there are now many of those as well) there is a guilt to feeling happy because he isn’t here; and then there is the knowing that I’m not doing anything wrong by looking for and being happy, because he would want that for me. It’s a circle that goes round and round in my head all the time!

The only thing that I know I can do – is what I have been doing everyday since the 20th of July 2020, and that is to take one step at a time. To feel all of the feelings and to keep moving forward in a way that would make Claytie proud. ‘As he would say, It is what it is’ – there is nothing I can do about it except to keep going, and to be grateful for the love and support that I have around me.