Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So if you have been following along with this blog, you will know that I am currently on my big trip. I’ve been super nervous leading up to it, the build up to so many things that happen is the worst part. It is anxiety about the unknown, and the what-ifs, but now that it is happening, I’m actually so much better. D and I will be away for 5 weeks, going all over the place and the next few blogs will be all about that. Sorry, not sorry…. We’re having an adventure!

The first stop on our itinerary – after an unexpected airport catchup with some very good friends of mine, was Singapore. I have flown through here before and had a relatively quick stop at the airport, but have never stayed. I’m so glad we did! We have had a fabulous time!

The city is amazingly green and prides itself on the millions of plants that have been put in the ground. It is incredibly clean and forward thinking, and the people are very conscious of sharing space with nature. Singapore has no natural resources, and very limited space so every single thing in the country, has been imported from somewhere else. There is a whole lot of construction happening everywhere, which is not always the prettiest thing to look at, but is happening to continuously improve the already impressive infrastructure.

Initially, when we were in the planning stages for the trip, we thought we might get the train to our hotel, but that proved more of a challenge than we were ready for.. so a taxi it was! Check in gave us perhaps the smallest room I’ve ever stayed in, and certainly the firmest mattress, but it did what we needed it to do just fine, and in the end was quite comfortable.

Before we came, we had pre-booked a 48 hour Hop-on, Hop-off bus tour, which included a night tour, so we dumped our stuff and navigated our way to the pick up zone…. It was quite a walk, and a very warm one at that!! 28°C and 70% humidity, meant that we were hot, sweaty messes by the time we found our destination thanks to Google maps!! The tour was well worth it tho!

We got to see Marina Barrage – a very clever bit of engineering that helps to keep the sea away from the reclaimed land. We went to the Gardens by the sea and saw the garden rhapsody light show and had a super tasty satay dinner at Lau Pa Sat, one of the oldest hawker markets in Singapore. Our tour guide Peter was truly fabulous… the amount of information in his brain about anything Singapore was phenomenal! All in all, we managed about 7km walking, which D and I both found impressive after an 8 hour flight!

Day two saw us starting with Brekky at our hotel. It was an interesting and quite random selection. The noodles being served were tasty, but I drew the line at mashed potato, broccoli and fish fingers! Following Brekky, we made our way back to the Bus stop via a 7-11 to buy water bottles for the day. We managed to come across a Chinese temple area, which was super interesting, and unexpected!

The bus tour was absolutely worth the money. There were two different lines, that we were able to access and between them we saw…a million shopping malls, the Pit stop area for the Grand Prix that is happening in September, the Sultans Mosque, City Hall, The Helix Bridge, the Art Science museum, Marina Bay Sands, the Merlion, the botanical gardens, a gazillion bridges, the Singapore flyer, Clarke Quay, all the ritzy shops. We have smelled the smells of China Town and Little India – the durian fruits are in season and RIPE!!! 

We also did a hop on-hop off boat trip around the Harbour, which was a really nice way to get a different perspective of the city. There are some super impressive high rise buildings, and a whole lot of them have managed to incorporate plants into their balcony and roof areas.

I managed to get sunburnt on my shoulders, and we both had sore feet after the 15km we managed to walk, but we have absolutely seen Singapore! Probably one of my favourite things (and honestly quite indulgent given the outrageous price) was sitting in The Long Bar at Raffles Hotel, sipping on a Singapore Sling…. Worth every penny!

If you’re planning an adventure anytime soon, I would totally recommend a stop over here. There was a whole lot more that D and I could have done… you could easily spend a week or so exploring all the different parts! I’m so glad we have seen and done all we did! Now tho, the next part of the adventure… we are London bound – after being fleeced for $15 by the loveliest taxi driver taking us to the airport!!

We have a jam packed itinerary and I’m pretty excited for it!

Today is Clayties birthday. He would be 51 years old, but his numbers stopped at 46… 2 weeks before his next birthday. It still doesn’t feel real!

Tonight we are going to celebrate the person we love – Clayton Thomas James. The kids and my parents will be here to eat pizza and to remember the fabulous man that we all adored. It will be chaotic and loud, and it will be just right. I know there will be tears today – they are for the ‘should have been’ never, ever for the ‘what was’.

I was looking at my Facebook memories the other day (how good is that feature!?). The photos I looked at were of his last birthday. We celebrated with Brekky and a cake at his sisters house. His parents were there and so were the kids. It was a bit of a tradition for the last few years. Clayties niece was born just a couple of days before his 40th birthday, and they always shared a cake – the big number(46) for him, and the little one (6) for her.

The photo made me cry! So many things have changed since that day, and it hurts. Claytie is obviously the main and central figure that is missing, but there are now so many other losses around him, that are so hard to comprehend.

I try hard to turn it around in my head and remember the good times that we had. Mostly I manage to do that…. We were so lucky to have what we did – the relationships, the fun and the love, and I will never not be grateful for it!

I will always miss the life that I had. I miss Claytie more than I can say, but I know that the best gift I can give to him, is to live life for both of us. To honour his memory the best way I know how. – ‘It is what it is’ and there is nothing else I can do

I was talking to my mum this morning, and she was asking about my anxiety leading up to traveling next week. It’s been a roller coaster, not just for me, but also for D. I have never been fabulous at travelling …. I love the destination and all of the adventures that I have when I get there, but the lead up to it is rough – and unfortunately for everyone around me, I tend to go straight for tears and snot when I am feeling anxious (or anything else really!)

Let me start by saying, that inspite of all my talk of anxiety, the positives of it all far, far outweigh any negatives! I am super excited for this trip and all of the things that we have planned – you’re all going to be sick of the travel updates that the next few weeks of this blog will bring; but the lead up to it (as with most big things in my life) has brought with it nerves and trepidation.

I feel like I have always been this way about traveling tho! I remember a trip years ago, back to Germany with my parents, for my Opas 90th birthday. Leading up to that trip, I made sure to have all the kids photos up to date and I made Claytie write out a Will for both of us … just in case! When Claytie and I went to Japan on a work trip, I had a ring binder full of instructions for each day for my mum and his dad to look after the kids (not sure they followed any of it, but that is beside the point); and last time Claytie and I travelled together, back to Germany in 2019, I’m pretty sure we contacted the kids (who were all adults by this stage!) every single day.

I am actually super excited for this trip – have I mentioned that?! We have the most amazing itinerary planned, and there are things on it that I never imagined I would get to do… and that I think is part of the nerves for me. This is another new, another first that I am facing head on… and this lead up has been all though July and the significant dates that it brings (today is the anniversary of Clayties funeral, next week is his birthday).

Part of my anxiety is about feeling like I am/will be judged- and before you all comment on that thought – I know! …. But I have felt judgement from the people that were part of my life before, and are now no longer. … I also know that it is their loss, that I am maybe better off, that I am not doing anything wrong and all of those things, but that feeling is there anyway. Now, I am not letting it stop me – I haven’t yet!- but I have to acknowledge that it exists for me.

I’m super excited to have this experience with D, and I know I am not alone feeling nervous about it (we are actually very well suited!). I will be meeting his people, and he will be meeting more of mine, we will be spending all of our time together for 5 weeks, and we will really see each other warts and all! … and that is really really nice, and kind of scary all at the same time!

So, with one week to go, it’s time to start packing – over packing and then changing my mind each day until we go! It is one more week of getting through work, and it’s one more week to try and micromanage the boys to do things my way while I’m gone (again – I know!!! No chance! And they will be fine!) … and it’s one last week to ride the ‘anticipation rollercoaster’ before we have a grand adventure!

Today it is exactly four years since my husband died; since my entire world changed completely.

It has been both a blur and an eternity. I remember the day in vivid, technicolor detail and have also forgotten so much of that time. When I read back over these blog posts that started about 18 months into this journey, I am astonished at what my boys and I have gone through and survived. I am proud of myself for getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other when it would have been so much easier to stay curled up in a ball avoiding the world.

I am heartbroken for all of the secondary losses that have come, and the people that I can no longer call family; and at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for those who stayed and for the new ones that have come along. I am amazed at the experiences that I have had and the boundaries that I have pushed, as well as the boundaries that I have put up.

I am so incredibly grateful that I had 28 amazing years of living a fairy tale with the sensational man that was Claytie. That we created four phenomenal humans who have been my saving grace. And mostly I just feel so very, very lucky that Clayton Thomas James chose me to be his forever.

Today the boys and I will celebrate and remember Claytie. We will eat ‘catfood casserole’ and scratch scratchies. We’ll remember all the funny things that happened and we’ll listen to his music. ‘It is what it is’ and we will make the most of it x

I was having a conversation with someone the other day about all of my hard days in July, and naturally there were tears for me. The whole month is full of dates that are big. – Our wedding anniversary, our last date, his death anniversary, the day of his funeral, his birthday…. So many dates that fill me with sorrow! But then, as is usually the case, the conversation moved on and we started talking to the big trip I have coming up in July with my new partner and how excited I am for it, and the person I was talking to asked me if that was weird. To be so sad about my husband and missing him so much, and at the same time to be happy and excited and looking forward to adventures with my new partner, and honestly, in a million ways, yes it is…. And then in a million more, not at all.

This for me is absolutely the duality of grief and moving forward. The split personality thing that happens when you lose your person. I will never not be sad that Claytie is gone. He was my entire world for such a long time – more than half of my life at this stage! I am devastated at all of the things we had planned that we now don’t get to do. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and wish he was here. I still reach for my phone to tell him things that have happened, or stuff I hear about people in our world that he would love to know about; things that are happening with the boys and the Squish…

But at the same time, there are so many things happening right now that I’m excited and grateful for. I get to travel and and experience amazing things with someone who has brought a whole lot of joy and love back into my life. I get to have adventures and see all kinds of things, meet people that I wouldn’t otherwise get to know. I have a bunch of fabulous new friends to add to those that were there before, and I have four amazing kids that make me proud every single day… and I get to live a really full life that I am incredibly happy about.

I’m finding that grief is a constant balancing act between the sad and the happy, it’s a continuous rollercoaster of bitter sweetness. I am living both sides of that every day, and it can be confusing as hell. There is also a whole lot of anxiety around all of it, and without any sort of guide book it’s like wearing a blindfold on a see-saw and wrestling an octopus into a string bag. I have no idea what I am doing or what I am supposed to be doing, so as always, it is one day at a time.

It is really hard to explain just how bi-polar all of this is. Trying to feel all of the emotions – good and bad- and giving them the right amount of weight. I know that Claytie wouldn’t want me to be sitting alone crying all of the time, but at the same time his loss is so huge in my world the when I let myself, that is exactly what I want to do. When I am having good days (and there are now many of those as well) there is a guilt to feeling happy because he isn’t here; and then there is the knowing that I’m not doing anything wrong by looking for and being happy, because he would want that for me. It’s a circle that goes round and round in my head all the time!

The only thing that I know I can do – is what I have been doing everyday since the 20th of July 2020, and that is to take one step at a time. To feel all of the feelings and to keep moving forward in a way that would make Claytie proud. ‘As he would say, It is what it is’ – there is nothing I can do about it except to keep going, and to be grateful for the love and support that I have around me.

Today is my 29th Wedding anniversary and my 4th since Claytie died. We had our last one together, celebrating 25 years, just two weeks before he died. It was such a happy milestone – in fact that last twelve months leading up to his death were amazing, and I am so glad to have those happy memories! I have to say tho, the build up to today (and the rest of the big dates still coming) has been particularly hard this year.

For some reason, I had thought that while it might not get easier this far down the track, that it wouldn’t be quite as difficult! But it has been nasty! I feel a bit surprised by just how hard it has been. There are so many lovely things happening in my world and I feel like I should be ‘better’ at this by now, but the contrast between the happy and moving forward versus the darkness of missing Claytie and going further and further from when I last saw him is kind of overwhelming.

This time of year also brings with it the remembering of the last day and how truly horrific it was. Consciously, I don’t let myself go there. It is too awful and I would so much rather remember every single moment before that day. My subconscious doesn’t always play as nicely tho, and it makes sure I remember it in very vivid detail. The colours, the sounds, the way my brain separated itself into two parts – the practical take charge person, and then the terrified woman losing her husband.

There is also so much second guessing about how I am living my life. The fight between logic and feelings. The pressure and expectations I put on myself. The judgement – whether perceived or real – from the people around me. The secondary losses that have happened and the fall out from them.

The lead up to July has been exhausting. I’m always amazed at how physically hard grief can be! I know that I haven’t helped myself a whole lot, staying super busy to try and avoid feeling it. The thing with grief is that it doesn’t let you run away! You have to feel it. You have to acknowledge and sit with it… it is shit!

I feel like my anniversary is my own day to grieve, and the day Claytie died is the shared one with the boys. I have found that out of the three big dates (wedding anniversary, Clayties anniversary and his birthday, all within a 6 week block) this one for me is the hardest. We had such a lovely life together, and if I could, I would do it all again. I’m so grateful to have had the fairy tale with him that I did, and the sadness that it is over is not one that has or will ever change.

So today, although not quite the way I had planned it, I will sit and remember my husband and the amazing life we made together. I am so lucky to have had him for as long as I did, and I will love him forever.

This week has had me feeling a bit overwhelmed. Mostly it’s my own doing… I’m packing a whole lot of stuff into every spare minute. I’m loving everything that I’m doing, and I don’t not want to do it… but I need to give myself some time out to feel the things I need to feel. July is a whole lot of big dates for me, and I need to sit with them for a bit… but they hurt, and I don’t want to, and that is grief!

I started this thing after Claytie died, of getting myself an anniversary present each year. Up until now it has been a new bangle to wear, but this year I wanted a stacking ring. I found a couple of lovely ones, but would have to special order one to fit the finger I want it for. That’s not how I buy things… I figure if I can’t have it today, then that one is not for me. Today was not my day!

In the process of shopping tho, I was having a conversation with the sales person and told her why I was looking to buy. I teared up telling her my story… and then we cried together as she told me hers! Her person also died 4 years ago after a battle with mental health. It seems the plan for today was to meet and connect with her rather than to buy myself something pretty!

The whole thing has left me feeling a little bit flat, and the gloomy sky today isn’t helping. Moods like this make me really introspective and I’m also starting to get nervous about my trip! It is just over a month until D and I head off on our adventure, and I’m super excited for it! Travel has always been high on the list of things I want to do; and while this is not the first trip I’ve taken since Claytie died, it feels pretty significant.

It’s a big trip, it will be 5 weeks away from home and I will be travelling with my new partner. Part of this trip will be going back to Germany which is the last place Claytie and I travelled together, and that feels emotional and really big. I know I am going to have an amazing time… we have so many fabulous things planned for it and it’s going to be an amazing adventure… but I am nervous and anxious about it too.

In so many ways, it’s another first – and all of the firsts are hard. I’m trying to be kind with myself and just roll with what ever emotions happen, but at the same time that feels hard too. This is another one of those ‘split personality’ parts of grief, and it’s not nice.

Anyway, as the big man always said, ‘it is what it is’, so I am going to go just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll sit with the sad and I’ll enjoy the happy, cause that’s all any of us can do x

Ps- I can’t believe this is number 145 of this blog! It has definitely been a journey! Thank you all for coming along for the ride x

This weekend I did one of my favourite things again. For the ninth time since Claytie died, I went whale watching. I absolutely love it! Each time I have been, I have learned something new. I have never not seen whales, and this time was no exception!

The first whales we saw on this trip were a big Mumma – the biggest whale I have seen- with her brand new, two week old baby! It amazes me that these massive creatures travel up here from Antarctica every year to rest in the warm waters and have their babies… and that we get to have this fabulous experience!

This time round I went with D and coincidentally one of my sisters and her husband (she had been gifted the experimental by her kids for her birthday). They have all been whale watching before as well – in Hervey Bay which is on my bucket list, and it was fun to share the experience with them. The weather wasn’t the most fantastic – we had our first cloudy sky in ages, and the water was a bit rough, but it was exhilarating to enjoy some real earth magic.

I love being out on the ocean (taking every possible anti-seasick precaution that I have ever heard of) and feeling like a speck in the universe. I know that we are actually quite close to shore, but looking out to the horizon with these huge creatures around us helps me to feel more in perspective in my own world. It is kind of mesmerising, and hearing the hush that comes over the crowd when the whales do appear makes me think that maybe I’m not the only one to feel like this.

I have found that being near the ocean has been really helpful for my mental health since Claytie died. It’s been a little while since I have gone specifically to see the sunrise – it used to be almost every weekend I would get in the car, drive the hour or so and walk along the shore while the world woke up. It was (and still is when I do it) such a nice way to reset the chaos in my brain when the world got a bit overwhelming. The sound of the waves crashing helped to drown out the anxiety and the overthinking. It’s the easiest meditation to do… sitting on the sand, listening to the waves and just letting your mind empty for a little while; and the fresh air and vitamin sunshine are an added bonus!

This weekend I went to a friend’s daughter’s baby shower. This is a friend that I made through the widows support group, and have become close to in the last 3 1/2 years. This baby will be her first grand child and she is as excited as you would expect her to be! I’m so happy for her and her family, I know first hand now how amazing the upgrade to Grandma has been… I also know how hard all of this is for her.

We spent a beautiful afternoon celebrating new life, and the widow aunties were there in full force. As part of the celebration, the proud new parents announced babies name – and at that point my friend (who had been holding it together so well) lost it and started to cry. Celebrating these kind of milestones without your person is really really hard! You feel very alone in the crowd thinking of all the things that should have been, and that you wish more than anything still were.

One of the biggest things for my friend was that her person was devastated at missing out on being a grandad. It was something they spoke about in the time before he died, and knowing that he’s not here for it is absolutely heartbreaking for her.

I had, and still do often, those same feelings. Claytie and I didn’t ever really have those conversations… we were supposed to have so much more time! He was such a huge fan of babies and small people and I know that he would have adored being Grandad to the Squish.

Every time I spend time with the Squish, especially at this age (18months) it’s bittersweet. I wish so much that Claytie was part of it all, he would be absolutely in his element! Watching this little human learning the world is such a fun thing, and I can just imagine how Claytie would be with him. I’m sad that Squish will never know how amazing his Grandad was, and I know that those are the same thoughts my friend is having right now.

I know my friend will be the best Grandma and I know that the heartbreak moments will keep happening in between the absolute joy that this baby will bring. This is the hard stuff that you kind of know about grief, but don’t really realise until you’re in the middle of it. The ‘life moves on’ bits and ‘firsts’ that you don’t want to acknowledge because it makes the devastating more real. But that’s just how life works… it is what it is; and I know that like me, she’s going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do her best to enjoy every minute… because we know just how fast they can go.

This week has felt a bit like a return to the real world. I feel like I have been super busy with camp and stuff with the boys, and that now is kind of a lull until the next fabulous thing (a 5 week trip to The UK and Germany with D) comes along in August. This year has felt a bit like counting down from one thing to the next, and time has flown by. Right now tho is a bit of a quiet dip and that is a space for grief to creep in.

Part of my counting down, especially at the moment, is July… my month of big yucky dates! It’s a weird thing… I don’t miss Claytie any more than every other day because of those dates, but they loom in my mind as really big things! First I have my wedding anniversary – our last one was to celebrate 25 years married (but 28 together). We had such a nice day both for our wedding so long ago, and then celebrating such a huge milestone. It, for me, is probably the hardest day without him. We never really did a whole lot for it, a nice dinner and a night away in our favourite hotel, but it was ours.

Next, just two weeks later, is his anniversary … 4 years this year, and the nightmares around what that day looked like, what he looked like are starting up again for me. Mostly I try not to let myself go there… it was horrific, and I would rather not focus on that, but my subconscious hasn’t got the message and does what it wants! I know that I cry in my sleep reliving that day. It is hard, and the ongoing impact of his loss is huge.

Two weeks after that is Clayties birthday. This year he would be 51, and grumbling about it I am sure. I know that day, and Father’s Day are particularly hard for the boys. We all try and live our lives the best way we know how, and in ways that he would be so proud of – we do it to honour him, and I think we do it pretty bloody well. Everyday I am amazed by the boys, and how much of Claytie I see in each of them.

So, for now I’m giving myself permission to feel the dip for a little while. I know that I will come out the other side and it will be ok. Mostly I feel like I am living some kind of parallel life – I have all these fabulously great things walking side by side with the sad. I know it’s normal, but it can feel weird. There are so many amazing things still happening this year and going forward, and I know that I’m allowed to (and absolutely should be) giving it my all. As Claytie would say, ‘it is what it is, there is nothing else you can do’.