Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week I haven’t been sure what to write about… I think I am still getting over Christmas and New Years and I am not super excited to be getting back into the swing of things at work – I really want to win the lotto and travel all over the place, but no luck so far! I have also had some frustrating things happen to annoy me!

The most upsetting thing has been having to throw out my most favourite pair of jeans. You know those jeans that you have in your cupboard that are almost like pyjama pants… they are so soft and worn in, and hands down the most comfortable thing you own!? Mine were like that… I’m sure I have had them for at least 7-8 years. They have been patched in the thighs a couple of times and are like a second skin!…. Well it seems that my own skin has grown and the jeans have been so well worn, that the other night when I sat down I could feel (and hear) them die… a massive, irreparable tear that took out the butt!

Adding insult to injury, the search for a new pair has been a demoralising effort! It seems that you can either be tall or fat, but not both! If you are fat, it is assumed that you also have short legs, and if you are tall you can have longer leg lengths, but not the waist size that you need…. and if you are tall and fat you are out of luck!

Most of the jeans I tried on would either fit my backside, or my legs, but not both! There are only so many pairs of capri length pants I want in my cupboard, and none of them are jeans! … it was a depressing effort at the shops – and can we talk about dressing room mirrors!? What a nightmare!

The new years weight loss resolution is now in full swing… lets see if this is the year I am successful!? … my track record for such things would probably say .. mmmmm! Oh well, it is what it is!

I hope you all had a super happy Christmas with plenty of time to relax… along with the eating and the drinking!

I had a lovely time over the holidays, with a couple of big family events. My family do the German thing, and celebrate on Christmas Eve. This year was my turn (for the first time) to host 24 people for dinner. Luckily, I had lots of help for the cooking on the day, and with D helping me in the lead up to do all of the running around and setting up. It was a really lovely evening with all of the family (except for those traveling and having their own adventure). Ds kids were also part of the fun this year and it was super lovely to have them there…. the setting looked pretty amazing too! Christmas Eve is one of my favourite things, and I have so many beautiful memories from over the years.

On Christmas Day, I always do Brekky for my family… and it too was lovely! I go all out with Ham, eggs, massive fruit salad, waffles and home made baked beans (sooo yummy). The kids were all there as well as D and my parents, and it was fun and chaotic and all the things it’s supposed to be! The Squish was old enough this year to be quite into the whole thing, and a couple of new trucks as well as a swim with the uncles just made his day!

D and I then enjoyed a very quiet afternoon, with the boys all off celebrating more Christmas fun with their partners families. We swam and ate and napped, and enjoyed making highland Coos (a gift from Scotland)… it was bliss!

It’s a funny thing tho… because underneath all of the fun and happiness, is an under current of grief. Missing Claytie is something that is always there for me, but sometimes it just sits a bit heavier, and it’s hard. There is a real conflict with the happiness and sadness going hand in hand – seperate but also together. Talking about it is also hard.

I don’t want to take anything away from the lovely time that I had! D and I had a truly fabulous time, and Christmas this year was a happy one for me – but I was also desperately sad that Claytie wasn’t there. He would be so proud of his boys and the amazing people that they are. He would have loved every second of spending time with the Squish – playing with him and throwing him around in the pool. He would have been delighted that Christmas Eve featured his favourite hot German meal (the last couple of years have been salad), and I missed his snoring on the day bed, sleeping off the big Brekky on Christmas morning.

It’s a weird feeling being in a new relationship and missing so much of what I had. I am happy… really, really happy, but missing Claytie is always there as part of it, and it feels harder now to talk about. There is a feeling that because I am in a new relationship, that I should be ‘over’ missing Claytie. That the grief is somehow less or even gone, and that is not the case. It is just as big and heavy as it was (and I think it always will be) but it is walking side by side with the new happiness that I have.

I know from speaking with some of my widowed friends, that it is the same for them as well. Holidays and family events are hard. We are never going to not miss our person – and nor should we, that is how their memories live on, but each one of us is trying to move forward the best way we can, and to make a new life at the same time. None of it is easy, and there is no guidebook to tell us how to do it. It is just one day at a time; it is what it is!

PS… I hope that all of you have a wonderful new year, full of the most amazing moments and new memories, great people, more highs than lows, and so much love! Thanks for being in my world x

Here’s something to brighten your day….. I call it ‘The chaos that happens when things are going too well!’… I was sitting quietly, minding my own business and reflecting on the year that has been, when I get a ‘Nikko rolled in something’ shout from one of my boys… just as the creature in question jumps on my bed!…. Holy mother of god! The smell is like nothing I have had hit my nostrils before! I swear the smell came into the room before the dog did (and certainly stayed long after he left)…… Dead Frog! The most horrific thing I think I have ever smelled… indescribably putrid!
You have no idea! …

Nikko was very pleased with himself… strutting around as though it was Chanel number 5, loving himself all kinds of stupid! – and adding insult to injury (my nostrils may never recover) while we were working on containing Nikko… Daisy went and rolled in it! Thankfully another man-child came home at that point, and helped me to take them both downstairs to wash them. And just when thoughts of containment and control entered my head, they took off and chased the lizard that lives near my pool!!!

Now I have a maggot infested dead frog in my bin, two dogs (that still don’t smell entirely right after 3 rounds of shampoo) running around the house like the lunatics that they are, a lingering smell because I can’t figure out which surfaces they made contact with before I got them, a giant lizard swimming in the pool taunting us all… and Clayties voice in my ear saying ‘it is what it is!’

Merry Christmas!

Thank you for all of your love and encouragement! Thanks for following along with my musings each week and for the support that you send my way! I have had a truly great year with some fabulous people and so many amazing new memories made.

From my family to yours, I hope this Christmas brings joy and laughter, great food and merriment, good people, happy moments and so much love! x

This week has been interesting, and busy and sad…. Probably something that I can say about pretty much every week, but I feel like in lots of ways it’s been more obvious this week.

One of my friends and her family are going through a really hard time at the moment with some pretty big losses that are looming… one young and one older, both cancer. It’s an awful, yucky, horrible thing and there is nothing that anyone can do to make it better for them. There is no good time for someone to die, but somehow it feels particularly horrible at Christmas, and I am so sad for all of them.

Work has been a bit of a challenge lately. I am in an area that can be quite confronting – Maternal Fetal Medicine… a part of Maternity outpatient that deals with particularly complex pregnancies (twins, triplets etc), all kinds of disabilities as well as terminations and pregnancy loss. It can be hard sometimes with stressed parents, difficult decisions and grief. I found out at a staff meeting that I will be in that area for the next little while, which I don’t mind as I had said I was interested in it- but a conversation with my boss about it might have been nice before she announced it at a meeting!?

It is definitely an interesting place to work, and I am learning a whole lot of new things. The team is quite a small one and very inclusive, no one seems to mind the million questions that I have. Randomly, the other day a staff member from a different area popped in to have a chat. It turns out she is psychic, and gave a couple of us an impromptu reading… I will be interested to see how many of her predictions will come true!

I am kind of starting to look forward to hosting my family Christmas this year. For a while after Claytie died it was really hard to pretend, and to just get through it for the boys. This year for me feels much more positive and I have been busy putting D and the boys to work, getting the garden into shape, helping to put up fairy lights and working out if we will have enough tables and chairs…. I have done all of the wrapping, and started to sort out the food…. Now I just need for the weather to play nice and for things to go to plan. It will be lovely to have everyone together – with our version of traditional German food, and watching the Squish getting spoiled and enjoying Christmas!…. And just quietly, between my dad and D, we have a couple of options on who can play Santa!

I’m not really sure what to write about this week….it has been a bit of a case of putting one foot in front of the other and just getting through it. Everyone is hot and tired in the lead up to Christmas, and there are a million things to get done – can you believe it’s only a couple of weeks and then another year is fine!? We have another birthday this week… my oldest son is 29, and it’s making me feel old (I can only imagine how my parents feel about it! Haha). It’s a bit of a mind spin to think about both how fast and how slowly time passes!

I have been thinking myself very lucky again this week to have so many supportive people in my corner. My world looks very different to anything I could have imagined 4 years ago- people have come and gone, but those that are here are fabulous! It’s a funny thing when you look at your world – there are so many things that you take for granted that can change in a heart beat.

I think I definitely take family support a bit for granted, there have been a couple of things happening that have highlighted how lucky we are to have what we do, but in so many ways it’s just how we have always done it. I am really lucky that my family all live quite close to each other, and that there is always someone who can help with whatever the problem might be! I am really grateful that my boys have grown up seeing that this is who we are as a family, and that they are all there for each other as well, especially since Claytie died.

Case in point…. My brother in law sustained an injury a couple of weeks ago, and is not able to do the mowing at the moment (they live in the same house as my parents). My parents struggle with the mower (the one pull start feature doesn’t seem to work so well for them), so D stepped in and helped out. A relatively small task, but hugely appreciated, and a perfect example of having great people in my corner!

I envy those of you that have some time off for the holidays- I don’t get a break from work this year, the department I am in can’t close down, but I am looking forward to the public holidays and spending time with good people! In the mean time… it’s just one foot in front of the other, and enjoying the quiet moments when they come!

This weekend we celebrated the Squish’s 2nd birthday. Can you believe he’s two already? He is just the most delightful human in my world… I just want to squeeze him! (It’s not weird, I promise!! Haha)

Unfortunately, the weather wasn’t the most cooperative for us this weekend and the planned party in the Park was rained out. Luckily there was a plan B that saw us relocating to Didi’s house (that is his other Grandma), and we are all very grateful for that! The Squish was a little bit overwhelmed with all of the attention, but had a lovely time playing with a couple of his friends and a whole bunch of new toys.

For me, it was a day of mixed emotions! The Squish is absolutely one of my favourite people…. He is energetic and wild (he and his bestie have been moved into different day care rooms due to some of that wildness), he is happy and joyful and he brings so much fun into our world…. And I know how much his Grandad Claytie would adore him! This is absolutely the age that Claytie loved best, and I can only imagine the things they would have done together!

I did have a moment at one stage that almost brought me to tears. One of my boys bought the Squish a ‘voice changing toy’, and the way he was playing with it was just so very much like Claytie. It’s those things, those silly funny moments that are so unpredictable, that just make you catch your breath and realise how much is missing!

The other odd moment, came from seeing my Mother in Law for the first time in almost two years. Our relationship is now not one that I recognise and that is incredibly sad… but as Claytie would say, it is what it is! I did know ahead of time that she would be there, and had a shaky minute the night before the party, but on the day was fine. I introduced her to my partner D, took a deep breath, and then enjoyed watching my baby enjoy his birthday.

The big day was ‘Cars’ themed – Lightning and Mater (central characters in the Disney animated film for those who don’t know) are absolute favourites, and feature heavily in the Squish’s world right now! His mum made a sensational assortment of cupcakes, the birthday cake she made was also very impressive, and his Dad cafe did all the catering… no one went hungry!!

I can’t wait to see what this year brings for the Squish and to watch him grow into the person he is going to be! Being Birdy (he can’t say Granny, and I’m supper happy to have my own nickname from him) is one of the very best things, and I am enjoying it all!

So this week, I have been busy trying to organise myself for Christmas- I know it’s early, but I’m determined to get it all sorted out ahead of time. The last few years it has absolutely been a case of fake it til you make it, and pretty much just getting through it, but this year I am feeling much more like my old self with it.

Christmas has always been one of my favourite times of the year. Having the advent calendar up for the kids to count down the days ( if you’ve been to my place in the lead up to the big day you will know it’s bright orange hessian -my grandma made it when my siblings and I were little – and it’s pretty ugly!) , the tree and lights, and all the decorations… and then there is the music… who doesn’t love a Christmas carol!? But then Claytie died and it all got too hard.

The first year without Claytie, none of us were in the mood for any of it. We did all the usual things with family, but it really was just putting one foot infront of the other and pretending that we were ok. A couple of years later we had a huge falling out with some pretty important people and that too was a massive set back. Since then, we have slowly been working at getting better, but none of the excitement has been there for it. The boys are all adults and there are no surprises anymore.

This year tho, I am feeling much more optimistic about it. D helped me to set up the tree and place all the decorations – while the neighbourhood was serenaded with Christmas Carols. I have done almost all of my shopping (and it’s all wrapped!) and I have started on my usual cooking – 10l of tomato relish is ready to go. I’m not feeling quite as overwhelmed as I have the last few years since Claytie died, and it’s a nice way to feel.

I’m not sure if it is the joy of having a small person in the family that is helping… the Squish is kind of big enough to get into it all a bit more and Birdy (that’s me cause he can’t say Granny) has gone a bit nuts with the prezzies; or maybe it is the fact that I’m hosting the family Christmas Eve this year and have to put the effort in ….,either way, I am feeling like this one won’t maybe be so hard.

A couple of months ago, just after D and I got back from our big trip, some of my friends and I decided to organise a ‘girls weekend’. This weekend was it! Things didn’t go entirely to plan… there was supposed to be 6 of us, and we ended up with three, Saturday was a crazy weather day with a whole lot of rain and the traffic was horrendous on the drive up….. but we still managed to have a fabulous time.

Our unit was on the top floor of the complex, just across the road from the water, and when we checked in, one of the first things we saw was a pod of dolphins surfing the waves – a perfect way to be welcomed! Once we had unloaded all of the bags – mostly snacks, chocolate and drinks – the chatting, laughing (and crying), storytelling, shit talking and singing got well underway!!!

It was a weekend of girl time, and it was fabulous! We stayed up late (some later than others!) talking about all kinds of things and solving the problems of the world. We went to the markets for a wander and a look, and spent time at the beach and in the water. I tried to teach the girls how to crochet with moderate success -it turns out it is more challenging for a left handed person!; and a couple of us got up bright and early to see the sunrise. Most of all we just relaxed.

Sometimes, a time out from the real world and a whole lot of oestrogen, is just what you need. Being near the ocean is definitely one of my happy places… it always has been! There is just something about the ocean that makes me feel better. It never gets old, and it doesn’t really matter which beach, or what the weather is doing! So at the start of this week, my cup is full! Thanks girls for a lovely weekend!

So this week had a huge wobble for me – one of those things that just comes out of the blue and shoves you in the chest – hard! Early in the week, I came home from work to find a letter addressed to the estate of Clayton James. It floored me and absolutely resulted in tears. It was so entirely unexpected four years in, that it took a minute to properly register what I was looking at, and it was a whole lot of feelings all at once – shock, sadness, anger, worry, confusion….

I actually still occasionally get things addressed to Claytie (not his estate) – usually junk mail, or invitations to buy tickets in whichever charity is wanting him to win a house. I don’t mind getting them – they remind me of him and make me smile. He loved getting junk mail catalogues in the letter box – in fact he would get cross with me if I got rid of them while he was working away. He even subscribed to getting them on his phone and would call me to let me know which supermarket had the best specials for the week, but nothing was better than a huge pile for him to go through while sitting on the deck at home – cigarette in hand and Iced coffee close by. We sent him off with about a weeks’ worth in his coffin! – Junk mail is fine – It makes me smile!

This was a whole other thing. I thought that we were finished with “estate” stuff; the frustration of dealing with people who have no idea about bereavement. People who start the conversation with a gentle “I’m sorry for your loss” and finish it with a chirpy “have a great day”! People who don’t realise (and understandably I guess) just how hard it is to confirm those dates, and that you are in fact the executor of the estate and the person that is responsible for any decisions that have to be made. It is awful and it made me cry! It took me right back to the very early days after Claytie died, and stirred up a whole lot of things that I try hard not to think about. It is also exhausting because it makes sleep so much harder again and that then carries over into the next few days.

In the end, the whole thing was about at straight forward as it could have been (I’ve certainly had worse!) and a win for me – a refund on an insurance policy that will get paid out in the next few days. I’m not sure why it took 4 years to happen – the joys of corporate bureaucracy I guess!? The tears are always going to happen for me – that’s just who I am, but I am choosing to look at the whole thing as a hello from Claytie – and as my mum pointed out, maybe a contribution for my next holiday!

Not long after Claytie died, maybe within a month or so, I joined the first of several Widow support groups online. It was really late one night, when sleep was absolutely not happening for me, and I was desperately sad and lonely. I found myself typing all kinds of things into the search bar, and along with a whole host of pages from America, there were a couple over here.

I joined this one to start with, and felt almost embarrassed that I did. I didn’t want to be someone who would need something like this, but I also felt incredibly alone in what I was going through and thought ‘well, why not?!’ It was one of the very best things that I could have done.

This first group was an anchor. There were people that I could talk to day and night, who absolutely got where I was coming from. They supported me in all kinds of ways and I was there for them too. I have made some incredible friendships through that group. People who have become super important in my world and who I would not have found and got to know otherwise.

Over the weekend, it was announced by the page moderator, that it was being closed down completely. The announcement came out of the blue and has been a bit of a shock to a whole lot of people. There is no option for anyone else to take over the running of the page, it will just disappear. I understand why the owner of the page wants to step out of it. Her loss happened more than 10years ago and her life has moved forward, it is a lot of work to run the page and to hold other people’s grief, but there are more than 2000 members who will lose the connection that they have with that group. It feels like a pretty significant blow in a whole lot of ways.

I’m incredibly grateful to have had access to this group for four years and I wish the moderators all kinds of luck with whatever comes next for them. I hope that the other members find alternative groups to join and that everyone keeps getting the support that they need. There are a whole lot of other groups for people to join – and probably ones that are a whole lot better in so many ways (First Light is one I talk about often) but it still feels weird to me that I will no longer have that connection with the first group I joined, the group that helped to drag me out of some very dark days. The group that my boys jokingly called ‘the echo chamber of misery’.