Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This weekend I took myself on a road trip to visit some friends. Two people who mean a lot to me have moved to Yamba (separately and coincidentally!) and I thought why not invite myself to invade their spaces and have a glorious weekend away! … I am so glad that I did because I had a fabulous time and recharged all the batteries… I also managed to avoid some chaos at home which was probably a good thing!

The drive started with Friday afternoon traffic – which is diabolical!… and almost ended with my car in the river! Anyone who has ever driven somewhere new with me will tell you that the gps and I are not great friends, and I am really not good at knowing what 500m looks like, or on the odd occasion, the difference between left and right! (Don’t judge!) … so in this case, a wrong turn led to a necessary u-turn that almost had me reversing into the very very close river! Thankfully the crisis was averted and I made it safely to my destination!

My first stop was with one of my girlfriends. K who I have been friends with for a few years now. She is a fellow widow and the person I went to Malaysia with a couple of years ago. She moved down there a couple of years ago now and while we talk all the time, it’s been ages since we have actually caught up in person! It was really lovely to be able to spend time in her part of the world and with her new person…

We spent a couple of fabulous hours walking the beach, talking about all kinds of things and collecting driftwood. The water this weekend was a bit mucky with run off from all the rain further down the coast, so no swimming for me, but the sky was blue and the air temperature just right! The beach is always my happy place, so it actually wouldn’t matter what it looked like, I would still love it!

Her place is fabulous .. she’s a huge green thumb, so plants everywhere! I love her dog Milo (gentle giant) and the new puppy Indie was a hyperactive bonus bundle of fun!! It was super nice sitting on the couch eating pizza, watching tv and talking shit!

I also caught up with another good friend. Our kids went to school together so I have known him for a long time and we have had some great adventures together before. He recently retired and has gone for a full sea change and bought a place down there. It is perfect and he is loving it… and I can see why! He took me out and about in his van and showed me a whole bunch of fabulous places all around. I don’t know if I have a favourite spot… they are all beautiful, but the nap in the van listening to the waves was definitely a high point! … there is nothing quite like sleeping to the sound of the waves!

I had some yummy breakfasts and dinners and met some lovely people! My cup is full! It was a truly lovely and relaxing weekend, and I will absolutely head down there again – probably much sooner than I should lol!

For some reason two am seems like the right time to write this week. Don’t you hate when you randomly wake up (usually to pee) and then the brain takes over and you’re wide awake! It just seems cruel!… anyway, apparently I have a whole lot of stuff rolling around in my head that needs to come out and is making sleep difficult!

Since my break up, and the self analysing that has come with it, I have been having a lot of conversations with different people about all of this stuff, and I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last almost 5 years of my life. It has been a rollercoaster!

When Claytie died, my world stopped. It was so completely unexpected and confronting! I had no idea what to do and I couldn’t really see a way forward. I was lost and nothing in my life looked in any way the same. I knew that I didn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life – 46 was way too young for that, but I had no idea what to do, what anything would look like or how to make it happen.

The first 18 months to 2 years were a blur. There was all of the death admin to get through – the Funeral, notifications, changes to accounts, and all of the things that come when someone dies. Then I did a huge renovation of our house. Going back to work was a challenge too and took some getting used to. There were the boys to look after and had a whole lot of challenges to get through with them; and then there were changes with friendships and with Clayties family. Things were busy, but kind of contained to us.

Then came the crazy times…. And they really were! I hated being alone and the boys needed to do their own things to process their new lives without their dad. It was too soon to sit with my grief and let it happen and I didn’t know how to do that anyway. I was pissed off that I didn’t magically feel better. Surely enough time had passed, – the books and movies all imply that 12 months should be long enough- but I was still sad, angry, scared, confused and so very very lonely! My behaviour became kind of reckless in a whole lot of ways, and it was 100% escapism.

If I was busy with ‘fun stuff’ then I didn’t have to think as much about the reality of losing Claytie. Don’t get me wrong, that reality was always there (and still is) but I could leave it to the side a bit. There was a whole lot of middle finger raising ‘fuck off life’ kind of stuff that felt completely out of control. I don’t really regret any of that, – there are absolutely things that I won’t do again, but I think I needed to go through them to get to where I am now.

I was 17 when I met Claytie, and he was my whole entire world for the 28 years we had together. I was a conservative ‘library nerd’ growing up and never really did anything wild as a teenager – I was 21 when I had my first child, and then 3 more in quick succession! I never went out drinking or to nightclubs because I had Claytie and he had me. We didn’t need any of the other stuff!

A big part of my blow out and chaotic behaviour was to see what some of that ‘teenage’ stuff was like, but mostly it was testing myself and trying to figure out who I now was. Did I still have a place in the world, and would anyone actually like me!? It was both conscious and unconscious at the same time – I knew that I was being wild and reckless, and I knew that it was about escape, but I did it anyway just to feel something.

In all of the wildness, there were a couple of longer relationships that have taught me a whole lot about myself, and then there was D. When we met, it felt like I came back to myself – the wildness was over and I felt like I had found my feet again. I have no regrets about the escapist behaviours and chaotic stuff to get through my initial grief, but there was a huge relief in recognising myself again and feeling much more like I used to, and I know that it is not something I will do again.

These days, I feel like I am a very different person- so many things have changed, but I recognise my core and I really like myself again. I am proud of who and where I am now, and I know what things I am happy to accept and which things are no longer right for me. I’m still keeping myself busy, I love having things to do and look forward to, but now it is much more about enjoying my life and doing fun stuff with different people rather than escaping my world and running away from what is actually real. I am much better at sitting with my grief and acknowledging my feelings.

I don’t think that I am somehow magically all better – I know that’s not really possible, but I do feel stronger and more like myself. I feel like I am back in control. I have boundaries that feel good and I know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I’m much clearer about who I am and what I want (and don’t want) going forward – and I definitely dont feel like I need to escape my life anymore.

This week has been a bit bumpy for me. It was Mother’s Day, and for a whole lot of reasons this one hit differently and made me sad. I miss Claytie, the person who made me a mum…. I miss the way that he made a fuss (or his version of making a fuss) because the boys absolutely do not… it’s ok, that’s who they are and if it was really a drama, I could speak up about it, but this year it just hit hard. They are also not great at birthdays, so it’s been a bit of a double whammy in that regard.

This week was also my parents wedding anniversary. 52 years which is absolutely something to celebrate – but also makes me sad because mine stopped at 25. I’m jealous that it is not something I will ever get to, This year would be another milestone anniversary for Claytie and I and missing out on that (and so many other things) has been playing on my mind too… it’s one of those things where it is everything piled on all at once, and sometimes you just get that!

Outside of those things tho, I’m actually in a pretty good place. I’m feeling really comfortable in my own skin and I haven’t for a long time. I said last week that part of me is still waiting for that to change, but I’m starting to trust it more and more. Even the down days haven’t felt as heavy as they have in the past and I’m proud of myself for knowing how to sit with them and process the feelings.

I am expecting some more rough days coming up tho. The father of one of the boys girlfriends is very unwell and does not have a good prognosis. It’s been very triggering not just for that son but actually all of us. We know how hard it is and what it looks like for her family. We are all sending so much love their way x

Right now, as I sit to write this, my cup is feeling pretty full. It’s been an interesting week with interesting people and I feel good about the conversations I’ve had and more importantly, some decisions I have made.… I’ve had a nasty head cold which was less pleasant, but seems to have turned a corner, which is a good thing too. There was also a whole lot of quality time with the Squish… and that is always a bonus!

The last couple of weeks or so, I have been spending a whole lot of time thinking about my life and what I want it to look like going forward. For the last little while (2-3 or so years) I thought that to be in any way happy again, I needed to be in a relationship. I have always loved my life and have desperately missed what Claytie and I had; and while I have always known that I can never replicate that, I thought that maybe I could try again. I did come close to thinking I had found that happiness again, but I guess the timing was just not right. What I have worked out tho (and yes it’s something that everyone tells you) is that I am truly ok on my own – and right now I am actually really enjoying it…. So for now at least, I’m done with dating (or at least the serious stuff!)

I’ve had a really nice time catching up with different people for meals and conversations without any pressure or expectation, and I’m enjoying the freedom that has given me… I feel like I have somehow finally given myself permission to do that – bugger what anyone else thinks about it… and regardless of what I’ve always thought, that is actually something new for me – not overthinking it and just going with it! It’s a nice feeling!

The last trip that I took has also shown me that while it’s definitely nicer to travel with someone (which I have always done) I’m at a place in my life and with myself, that I could actually happily do it single (probably in a tour tho, because I don’t think I’ll ever be organised enough to cover all those details). Ive been looking and planning to see where and when that might be…. I have also had some invitations to visit friends in different places, and some weekend group trips that I will absolutely take on!

I like how I am feeling at the moment. It’s kind of weird, because the heaviness has been there for so long and in so many ways, that to not have lurking so much is really noticeable…. I am a bit nervous that it might not last – but that’s just how my brain goes. I have decided that for now tho, this is all good and I am going with it. I have some boundaries in place and I know that I will enforce them if and when I need to. I’m not letting myself feel pressure to do and be things that I don’t want to anymore – and that feels really positive.

This week has been a bit of a mixed bag. There have been the inevitable post holiday blues – and the subsequent research to see where I should go to next (my newsfeed is full of helpful advertisements for all kinds of tours). I have also been very grateful for another short week thanks to public holidays. The back to work depression wasn’t so bad given I only had to work two days!

For a whole lot of reasons, I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on my past relationships lately, and this week in particular. D has been in touch and we have had a whole lot of very honest conversations. I am glad that we are able to talk again and go through some of the issues that we had. It definitely helps a whole lot, and it has been nice.

I have been told (and I know it anyway) that I have spent a whole lot of time over the last nearly 5 years running away and avoiding life – or as much as that is possible, and being in relationships has been part of that. If I stay busy then I don’t have to sit with the hard and heavy stuff so much. It’s always there… and it definitely raises its head, but it’s harder to be sad when you’re off having adventures…. And maybe now is the time to have a look at that some more. – I don’t know!?

Something I have realised tho, is that for now I am very happy to be single. I am in no hurry at all to dive back into any sort of relationships and dating. Maybe now is the time to get to know myself a whole lot better and let go of some of the pressure (real or just perceived) that I have put on myself. There isn’t a guide book for any of this stuff, and certainly no right or wrong, but maybe now is the time to just sit for a bit. I do feel like I am more settled and grounded in a whole lot of ways, but at the same time, just as clueless!

I’ve also had some lovely catch ups and conversations with a whole bunch of people, and there may have also been a few drinks had! I’m so grateful to my circle for always being there. I was also pretty happy to have a bit of Squish time… although the exhaustion of chasing a toddler at soccer was very very real! His energy is something to behold!

I hope your outlook is a happy one and that you have some fun trips planned – I’m happy to spruik the merits of Vietnam (and organised tours) to anyone who wants to listen! Thanks for being in my world and letting me take up this space every week xx

Day 6 has absolutely been a highlight for this tour! After Brekky we put our stuff into a shared room – it was check out day for this hotel- and then met the group in the lobby. We met our intrepid guides for the day and then hopped onto the back of motor cycles to explore the city!

I was a bit nervous for this one… I have only ever been on the back of a bike once before, and was told I probably shouldn’t again (apparently I was leaning in all the wrong directions!) But it was a super fun day, and I would absolutely recommend this as an activity if you ever find yourself here.

Our first stop was at the wet markets, and there were so many things to look at. I was expecting the experience to be much more confrontational than it was (especially the meat section) … the worst part that I found tho, was how tightly everyone is packed in… claustrophobia was a real thing for me!

Stop number two was at a Buddhist temple…. It was a really beautiful spot overlooking the river, and was originally built in the 1600s. Our lovely guide gave us a run down on the Buddhist religion and then we were free to have a look around.

Back onto the bikes, and off to our next stop. This one took us through some back streets and into a village that specialises in Incense… we were shown how to make it, and those that were keen, got to have a turn. To make incense you need ground up agar wood, rubber tree sap and essential oils… those ingredients get mixed together to make a stick paste which is then rolled onto bamboo sticks. It was interesting to watch – the lady showing us can make around 2000 per day – and the place smelled pretty good too!

Next on the must see list of places to stop was the kings look out – a quiet spot in the Forrest that overlooked the river, and then his tomb. Both were really lovely spots to walk through and admire. We finished the day with lunch at a Buddhist temple, all vegetarian/vegan and absolutely delicious! … then back on the bikes to the hotel and our shared room for showers and last minute packing, and then off to the train station!

Our visit in Hue finished with a trip on the overnight train to Hanoi. The group was split into smaller groups for the night. Each carriage was designed for 4 people, two in the top bunk and two in the bottom. I was kind of nervous about this one too – I get really bad motion sickness (think of a moving vehicle and I will have vomited on it) so I pre-loaded all of the medications that I had with me!

The bunks were surprisingly comfortable,…at the start of the journey, and the room initially was quite cold with the air conditioning set very low. We were advised to bring food – pot noodles was the recommendation – rather than ordering anything from the on board dining cart. By the time we got through the night and needed to get ourselves ready to disembark, I was feeling much less positive about the experience! I’m pretty sure that an overnight train is not something I will need to repeat in a hurry haha… I did not sleep particularly well, the bed became less and less comfortable as the night went on, and venturing out to the toilet was definitely an adventure!

We got to Hanoi at around 6am. We had a shared room for a quick shower and then off for Brekky which absolutely hit the spot… a few in the group tried the local delicacy – egg coffee! Our hotel is just around the corner of a very famous street… an absolute must do here! Train street is an alley that has the train track running through it. A couple of times a day, the trains will come through and it is an adventure. It is so close that you can touch it… and it does not go slowly!

Next came a walking tour of the city including the temple of literature – the first university started 1000 years ago, and then the Mausoleum contains the body of Ho Chi Min, founder of the Vietnamese communist party and responsible for the independence and reunification of Vietnam. We were not able to actually go into the mausoleum due to a foreign president being here for a visit, but the site is very impressive!

By the time we finished the tour and got to check into the hotel properly, we were all exhausted! We had a couple of hours free time and I am pretty sure that most of us used the time for a nap! At 5.30pm some of us met a new tour guide (Jerry, brother of Tom) and did a walking food tour of the city!

We went to 5 different vendors to try the foods that Hanoi is famous for… and they were all delicious! This city is something else! it was an absolute sensory overload. So many people and colours, all kinds of smells and sounds… it was hard to know where to look and exactly how to feel about any of it!…

We started our food journey with Bun Cha… a kind of vermicelli soup that has grilled pork in it. This one was probably my favourite for the night… the broth was unbelievably tasty! Next came Bahn Tran trong… Vietnamese pizza… it is a fried rice paper round topped with all kinds of meat and chilli sauce. Also very yummy! Then came Pho – Hanoi style without the broth, followed by sticky rice and ice cream, and finishing up with egg coffee.

Day 8 had us checking out of our hotel and getting on a bus to head three hours out of Hanoi to Ha Long Bay for a night. We made a couple of stops one for the Happy Room (the local way of saying the bathroom), and another at a recycling facility. One disappointing thing about traveling in Asia is how much rubbish there is everywhere! It’s pretty sad to see, because it does spoil some amazing scenery. It’s nice to see that the idea of recycling is starting to be a thing here, but there is a long way to go!

Ha Long bay is home to 1969 islands, with only 900 having names. The islands are limestone and are phenomenal to see and float past. There are a whole lot of tourist boats which is not entirely what I was expecting, but it is definitely worth doing! There were a couple of activities included in this part of the trip… a visit to one of the caves, and a kayaking tour. I opted out of the paddling, but did go to the cave. It was pretty impressive (but also very very crowded!)

Our night in the Bay was super fun! Those that had clothes made in Hoi Anh got to model them for us as most of us got a little bit dressed up. Dinner was several courses of deliciousness, and cocktails, followed by a birthday cake and singing (organised by our beautiful guide) for me! It was an incredibly sweet gesture which I loved! Rounding out of evening was a Karaoke Party…. Very fitting as a birthday celebration!

I’m truly amazed that I not only made it through the night on a boat without throwing up (I get horrendous motion sickness), but actually slept really well! Who knows… maybe there will be a cruise in my future!

Our ninth (and last) day on the tour started with a sneaky trip up to the sun deck to do ‘that photo’. Tiptoeing past the staff who were sleeping on mats on the floor in the dining area, and then an early coffee before heading off for a hike and a swim in the bay! The hike was incredibly steep, and I have to confess I didn’t make it anywhere near the top because my knees were complaining! The water in the bay was brisk, but refreshing… and breakfast when we got back to the ship was delicious.

After breakfast it was time to check out, and as soon as the boat came back to the doc, we all piled back onto the bus to head back to Hanoi. We did make one stop and that was at an employment facility for disabled people. It was started after the war to give veterans and victims a way of earning money. They do a whole lot of silk embroidery, stone carving and Lacquer work… and I did spend a chunk of money with them!

Back in Hanoi, and once we checked back into our rooms, J and I hit the streets to do some souvenir shopping… it is an absolute adventure roaming the city. I do not have a very good sense of direction and got hopelessly confused… thank goodness for international roaming and google maps! The traffic is beyond description, and you kind of just have to close your eyes and go! Shopping done and time for a shower and a lay down before getting ready for our farewell dinner!

Dinner was at KOTO restaurant … a social concept based on the ‘pay it forward’ concept. They train disadvantaged youth to give them employment opportunities and improve their self confidence. The food was phenomenal and the company was fun!

Our tour guide has been the very best! She has all kinds of information about all kinds of things, and nothing has been too hard for her. She gifted each of us a personalised pair of chopsticks, which was incredibly sweet of her! Hopefully she will come and visit us one day and we can return the favour!

I can’t believe how quickly the tour went and just how much fun it was! J and I have an extra day in the city before heading home and we will be pampering ourselves completely… getting our nails done and full body massages! I am not looking forward to getting back to the real world… and I am already thinking about where to go next!

So as most of you are aware, I booked a trip to Vietnam with a girlfriend (J) quite last minute. I was supposed to be going to NZ with my partner at the time, but with the relationship break up that didnt happen. I didn’t want to ‘waste’ the annual leave from work – it is entirely too hard to get- and this trip fit with the dates that I had. We locked it in … and here we are! Just before we left tho I was saying to my mum that this has been the most ambivalent I have ever been about any kind of travel. It was a really weird feeling… and hopefully not one that stays with me from now on!

We started the trip with a four hour delay in Brisbane, which was not so fabulous… but also not the worst! We managed to get a couple of drinks in, and a whole lot of people watching – which is always fun! We finally boarded at 3.30am! The flight itself was quite uneventful – medication made a difference as far as getting some sleep, and 8.5 hours later we hit the ground!

We had organised a hotel transfer, and paid for an extra night, which meant that we got to the hotel pretty quickly and could dump our stuff and start exploring. The traffic in Ho Cho Min city – and actually most of Vietnam is next level… it seems like every person has a scooter or motorbike and they are all out at the same time. Whole families (including very small babies), dogs and all kinds of belongings packed onto bikes. There are lanes for the traffic, but it seems they are suggestive rather than enforced… it’s a terrifying spectacle to watch – and nerve wracking to cross, but somehow they make it work!

After a mosey around to find somewhere for lunch, which was delicious!- we decided that a nap was absolutely called for… and it was one of the best naps ever! 6pm saw us heading to the hotel lobby to meet the rest of our group. There are only 14 of us, and it’s a nice mix of people. Half the group chose to head out for a get to know each other dinner following the initial meeting and the food was spectacular! Our guide was in charge of ordering, and she did it very well! A bit more wandering around seeing the sights and then off to bed!

Our Tour Guide is lovely… and full of all kinds of information. She is determined that by the end of the trip we should have at least a handful of useful Vietnamese words and phrases in our repertoire! -She has her work cut out for her – it is a challenging language with six different intonations … so one word eg Ma can have 6 different meanings depending on where one puts the inflection! It can mean anything from Mother to horse to ghost… and if you place an order for the national dish Pho, you could get either soup or a happy ending!! It’s tricky!

Day two had us up early ish for Brekky and then in a bus for a two hour drive south to the Mekong Delta. The day was spent hopping on and off a boat, looking at different islands in the upper part of the Delta. The whole area is made up of different regions, and the part that we went to, has 4 different islands named after the ‘spirit’ animals of Vietnam – the Dragon, the Phoenix, the Unicorn and the Turtle.

Or first stop was at a bee farm. The people are incredibly proud of their gardens and how happy the bees are! We were given jasmine tea with honey, bee pollen and cumquat juice – it was delicious! The obligatory photo opportunity was to hold a frame of honey and bees from one of the hives. Next stop was a garden island where loads of different fruits are grown. It was interesting to see graves in-between gardens as we were walking around. Because land is so scarce and the population so big, if you do own land here, people will bury their dead so that the property remains in the family and is not able to be sold. At this stop we were treated to a variety of fresh fruits.

Our third stop for the day was Coconut kingdom. Coconuts are a huge part of Vietnamese cuisine and the candy is delicious (first tourist purchase!) We were invited to watch the whole process of making the candy and then sample the goodies! We were also offered another local delicacy to try – snake wine! Pure alcohol with a snake in the bottle… this one was absolutely challenging, and I can’t quite believe that we did it! Sooooo Nasty!!!!

Our last stop was for lunch. Another walk through beautiful gardens and water ways took us to a pagoda area with hammocks all around. We were given Elephant ear fish and rice paper rolls, huge prawns and deep fried banana flowers. The hammocks were pretty tempting after a belly full of food, but instead we got into sampans (rowing boats) and were paddled around the island. It was a very peaceful and relaxing way to spend the afternoon … it helped that we did not have to do the rowing ourselves!

Back at the hotel, we dropped our stuff and went back out to find some dinner. We ended up coming across a lovely little hole in the wall restaurant that happened to be hosting a ‘learn to play Mahjong’ evening. So many people to watch and it was a great energy… the food was also pretty spectacular!

Day three of the tour had us up very early so we could leave the hotel by 6.30am. Our destination, the airport for a quick 1 hour flight to Da Nang, followed by a bus to Hoi An. This city is amazing! It has such a different vibe to Ho Chi Min. It is much more relaxed, but also so much more colourful! There are lanterns and bunting strung up all over the place, markets and shops in every nook and cranny, and so many more people!

Our walking tour of the area started with lunch at the Noodle House, and it was pretty spectacular! We then went on to see a temple and made wishes by burning incense sticks – the idea being that the smoke rises to bring the wish directly to the gods. There is a lot of Chinese and Japanese influence in this area, it is now a UNESCO heritage listed site because of its age and history and it was great hearing all kinds of information about it all from the guide.

Hoi An is very famous for all of the textile markets, and tailoring that happens here, so our next stop was to visit a taylor and to see how they do what they do. A couple of the group members, J included, chose to have some items of clothing made, and only had to wait 24 hours for those things to be delivered to the hotel. It’s pretty impressive!

Our ride back to the hotel was in a buggy… an electric golf cart that seats about 10 people… it’s a great way to see the area as it is all open and not super fast! It also spared our feet a bit, which were definitely feeling the day at this stage! My friend and I chose to indulge a little bit when we got back to the hotel, and took full advantage of the Spa to have a 90 minute massage which only cost about $25 – a fraction of what we pay at home!

We finished the day with a street food dinner . Bahn Mi and chicken rice, both of which were very tasty. Street food vendors tend to specialise in one thing and that is all they will cook. It is not unusual for people to go to several different places to have all of the things that they like. Walking through the city at night gave another perspective… slightly less crowded, but just as colourful and fun! We all decided to go in Sampans which were lit up with lanterns, and to release a wish into the water. It was a completely tourist thing to do, but super pretty and a whole lot of fun!

Day four saw most of the team changing the set plans completely. We had a choice of several different ‘free time’ activities including a 4 hour bike ride through the city, or a cooking class … both sounded great, until someone suggested hiring a bus and going to the Golden Hand Bridge. It turned out that our guide is a super good sport and managed to arrange the excursion. It was phenomenal!

The bridge sits at the top of one of Vietnam’s highest mountains at 1414m above sea level, and is part of a theme park. To reach it requires a long cable car ride, (it holds the record for the longest continuous cable car ride in the world) most of the way to the top. The views were spectacular and the bridge absolutely lived up to expectation… actually it probably exceeded them for me! … funnily enough it was also my second time going to a theme park on the top of a mountain in an Asian country – my first was in Malaysia (I wrote about it in an earlier blog)

We walked around for hours enjoying all of the colour, chaos and activity! We even managed to find a beer festival, much to the delight of some of our group! Back to the bus and our hotel, and for those that had clothing made, a final fitting to make sure everything was perfect. For me, I chose to finish the day with another walk around the markets. My plan was to do some souvenir shopping, but I was completely overwhelmed with all the choices and ended up not buying anything! I also opted out of the evenings activity (a cultural show) and chose to get to bed early… tour life is exhausting!

Day five was another new location Hue City. It is the half way point when travelling from one end to the other in Vietnam. We were on the bus for about 4.5 hours and travelled through the mountains to get there. We did make a couple of stops… the first for the Dragon Bridge in Da Nang, and the second was back at the airport to collect a wayward passport that had been left behind! We also stopped at a fishing village called Lang Co to stretch our legs.

The village sits on a lagoon and is well known for oyster farming. It was a super picturesque place with the mountains in the background … and a Mecca for tour buses! Apparently old tires are used for the oyster shells to grow on! – and obviously where there are oysters, there are also pearls! I bought myself a necklace – both as an early birthday prezzie and an anniversary (30 years this year) gift from Claytie. I deliberately chose imperfect pearls, because it is an imperfect anniversary without Claytie.

Our next stop was for lunch. This district is famous for food wrapped in banana leaves and salted coffee! … I’m not a coffee drinker, but the food was delicious! My meal – a noodle bowl and a beer came to a grand total of $4!After lunch, we checked into our hotel, had a little bit of a nap and then went off for a walking tour of the Citadel – home of the Emperor!

The Imperial Citadel is a huge complex with a heap of different buildings. It was the home and headquarters of the Nguyen Dynasty- the last Vietnamese royalty, who reigned from 1802-1883, 13 generations from that family. The area was largely destroyed during the war, and is slowly being rebuilt. There are several different sections that people were allowed to enter (or not) depending on their station. It was a lovely walk with interesting stories and buildings to look at.

Day five finished with Family dinner. We were taken to a local family home and shown how the Vietnamese people live. We learned about the main religion in Vietnam, which is ancestor worship – it is really important that the ancestors are not forgotten. The ancestral home is not lived in, but rather is the place that a shrine is set up to remember family members that have died. There are photos on the wall of the shrine area, and once a year there is a big party for all of the family to remember those that have died.

The family we visited live inside the citadel wall, and were incredibly welcoming. We were offered Beetle nut and leaves to chew. It makes the mouth numb and colours teeth and tongue red…. It used to be a beauty standard for women to die their teeth black and have very red lips to go with it…and chewing this beetle mixture would not only help to keep them that way, but also give a bit of a high. Only two of our group chose to partake, and both said it was not a pleasant experience. We were given a tour of the kitchen and then invited to eat. The food was plentiful and very very tasty! It was a lovely way to finish another full, fun day!

That’s me right now, trying to sort myself out to travel later this week. I find packing really hard! There are so many things to over think and a million possibilities to prepare for! I know with 100% certainty that I will completely overpack and probability and not use half of what is in my suit case… but I’m still putting it in! Haha…

The countdown for my trip to Vietnam is on, and I am really starting to look forward to it. I have no idea what to expect, and I am excited to have an adventure. Going to Vietnam was a last minute impulsive decision, made a month or so ago, and I am hoping that like a lot of other impulsive decisions that I have made, this one is a good one!

I love an adventure, and since Claytie died I have made it a bit of a mission to do a whole lot of travelling. It was something we should have been doing together, we had a whole list of places that we wanted to see, and while none of my trips have been like those ones we imagined, they have all been amazing in their ways! Each one has been with someone different and that’s been fun too! I’m hoping that eventually my social media memories have a different destination for every month, and give me a whole lot of happy things to remember!

It was another whirlwind week with all the usual chaos.. plus a bonus outing with my Squish! I went to watch him play soccer – as much as toddler can do such a thing! The group he goes to gets the kids to do all kinds of gross motor activities and it is honestly the cutest thing you have ever seen! It’s ridiculous! … and on this occasion the the desire for the indoor activities was very much over shadowed by the playground outside! This old Birdie spent a whole lot of time chasing a smol Squish to bring him back to the group! – I will need a fitness plan if I am going to do this more often!

I also spent a fabulous Saturday night with some fun people watching a burlesque/circus performance at a local bar – with ‘kick-ons’ and a sleep over at my place! It was something different, and a whole lot of fun…. And meant a very early bed time for me on Sunday! Now for the last little count down… 4 days of work and then Holiday time for me! Have a great week x

So this is version two of this blog… I somehow managed to delete – never to be recovered- my first – and probably better one, when I hit the wrong button (note to self, always save as you go, and why the hell is there a delete draft option!!) … but any way, here we go!

In the last couple of weeks I have been reconnecting with friends that I had been largely (and for some very deliberately) distancing myself from and in some cases even avoiding altogether. During the course of my relationship, it became apparent that some of these friendships were a problem for my partner and so in order to prioritise him, I let them slide.

At the time it felt like the right (and not completely unreasonable) thing to do. I was doing what I thought was supposed to… compromising to make things work and figuring out how to carry some of that baggage that we all have in the relationship. It wasn’t until someone said to me the other day – it’s nice to have the real you back, that I gave any of it a whole lot of thought.

Hindsight and a whole lot of reflection since, have shown me how heavy some of those compromises now feel. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good friend, but feel like maybe I haven’t been in the last little while! Right now, not having to second guess conversations and motives is going back who I actually am, and I am feeling much lighter recognising myself again. I don’t have a single regret about that relationship – there was such a lot of really, really amazing stuff, and I certainly don’t want to be mean or negative about the person in any way, but coming back to feeling like myself again, is definitely something that feels good.

I absolutley feel like all of this relationship stuff is still new for me – and I do question whether it ever becomes normal, and how much energy I have to keep trying! With Claytie, I never any of this stuff to worry about. Neither of us had any baggage to carry so I was absolutely just me, just like he was truly himself too. We were so young when we met, and together for such a long time, it just wasn’t a thing. We grew up and evolved together and I guess that gave me a really lovely – if naive expectation of how it should be.

What I think I have learned – and let’s face it, everything is a lesson- is that compromise only works so far, and if you have to change yourself too much to make the pieces fit, then maybe, even with a whole lot of love there, it’s not for you. I have no regrets about any of the things that have happened since Claytie died – although there are definitely some fairly wild experiences that I am not ever going to repeat. What I am going to do is keep living the best life I can, keeping an open mind and having all kinds of adventures. I guess it’s all just part of the ‘it is what it is’ circle of life!

So last week felt like a very long week!… actually, this whole year has felt like a long one already! So many things feel like they are going through change and upheaval, both in my world and for people around me, at the moment and exhaustion seems to be just an everyday part of it all. It’s nice to think that it all means better things are coming, but it can be a hard slog getting through all the stuff before the good things come!

I do want to share a really huge proud parent moment, in what was otherwise a pretty average week! One of my boys who has been a bit of a lost soul lately, has just signed on to be an apprentice – his chosen is field plumbing! He has a mate that works for the same company, so he has been able to do some trial shifts before making the commitment. He is super keen – so much so that I was given a late night run down on the entire content of his brand new tool belt – and I am so happy for him! It’s nice to know that he is excited to be doing this and is back to feeling like he has a purpose!

The shitty and bitter part in all that, comes from Claytie not being here to also be proud! He would be beside himself and so excited for his son. He was always so much better at having faith that things would play out for the boys and that everything would work out for the best, and he would want to know and understand all the details. I try my best, but it’s just not the same… All my boy wanted after making his decision was to tell his dad… and of course that’s not possible in the way we would all love! It was a really sad moment for him, and hard for me too! The closest he could come was to send a message to someone that should have responded with pride and love, but who chose instead to raise an ongoing grievance instead… and that really broke my heart for the kid!

It’s really hard when big things happen – good or bad- and your person isn’t there to be part of it. That’s been the feeling again this week. When things are just plodding along, you can compartmentalise the grief in an easier way… but when the bigger things happen it’s just right there, back in your face, and it’s hard to be everything for everyone. I’m lucky (and I will keep saying it) to have a bunch of people in my world to help carry that load; and while I really really appreciate it and couldn’t do without it, none of that makes up for Claytie not being here.

It’s been nearly 5 years since that awful day, and while it might look from the outside like I am doing ok, the fear and anxiety are all right there still. I think I am maybe better at acknowledging when I’m feeling like this, and being mindful to let it happen, but it’s really really hard. – and I hate when the grief and loss hurt my kids and I can’t do a whole lot to help them through it other than to be there and tell the just how proud I am of them.

Life really is a rollercoaster, and it seems like just when you think you’ve got to a slower and more leisurely spot, another hill and dip are just around the corner. All any of us can do is just one day at a time and one step at a time. … or as Claytie would say: it just is what it is! I know for sure that there are some hugely exciting, good things coming our way, and until then I’ll just keep plodding!