Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So as most of you are aware, I booked a trip to Vietnam with a girlfriend (J) quite last minute. I was supposed to be going to NZ with my partner at the time, but with the relationship break up that didnt happen. I didn’t want to ‘waste’ the annual leave from work – it is entirely too hard to get- and this trip fit with the dates that I had. We locked it in … and here we are! Just before we left tho I was saying to my mum that this has been the most ambivalent I have ever been about any kind of travel. It was a really weird feeling… and hopefully not one that stays with me from now on!

We started the trip with a four hour delay in Brisbane, which was not so fabulous… but also not the worst! We managed to get a couple of drinks in, and a whole lot of people watching – which is always fun! We finally boarded at 3.30am! The flight itself was quite uneventful – medication made a difference as far as getting some sleep, and 8.5 hours later we hit the ground!

We had organised a hotel transfer, and paid for an extra night, which meant that we got to the hotel pretty quickly and could dump our stuff and start exploring. The traffic in Ho Cho Min city – and actually most of Vietnam is next level… it seems like every person has a scooter or motorbike and they are all out at the same time. Whole families (including very small babies), dogs and all kinds of belongings packed onto bikes. There are lanes for the traffic, but it seems they are suggestive rather than enforced… it’s a terrifying spectacle to watch – and nerve wracking to cross, but somehow they make it work!

After a mosey around to find somewhere for lunch, which was delicious!- we decided that a nap was absolutely called for… and it was one of the best naps ever! 6pm saw us heading to the hotel lobby to meet the rest of our group. There are only 14 of us, and it’s a nice mix of people. Half the group chose to head out for a get to know each other dinner following the initial meeting and the food was spectacular! Our guide was in charge of ordering, and she did it very well! A bit more wandering around seeing the sights and then off to bed!

Our Tour Guide is lovely… and full of all kinds of information. She is determined that by the end of the trip we should have at least a handful of useful Vietnamese words and phrases in our repertoire! -She has her work cut out for her – it is a challenging language with six different intonations … so one word eg Ma can have 6 different meanings depending on where one puts the inflection! It can mean anything from Mother to horse to ghost… and if you place an order for the national dish Pho, you could get either soup or a happy ending!! It’s tricky!

Day two had us up early ish for Brekky and then in a bus for a two hour drive south to the Mekong Delta. The day was spent hopping on and off a boat, looking at different islands in the upper part of the Delta. The whole area is made up of different regions, and the part that we went to, has 4 different islands named after the ‘spirit’ animals of Vietnam – the Dragon, the Phoenix, the Unicorn and the Turtle.

Or first stop was at a bee farm. The people are incredibly proud of their gardens and how happy the bees are! We were given jasmine tea with honey, bee pollen and cumquat juice – it was delicious! The obligatory photo opportunity was to hold a frame of honey and bees from one of the hives. Next stop was a garden island where loads of different fruits are grown. It was interesting to see graves in-between gardens as we were walking around. Because land is so scarce and the population so big, if you do own land here, people will bury their dead so that the property remains in the family and is not able to be sold. At this stop we were treated to a variety of fresh fruits.

Our third stop for the day was Coconut kingdom. Coconuts are a huge part of Vietnamese cuisine and the candy is delicious (first tourist purchase!) We were invited to watch the whole process of making the candy and then sample the goodies! We were also offered another local delicacy to try – snake wine! Pure alcohol with a snake in the bottle… this one was absolutely challenging, and I can’t quite believe that we did it! Sooooo Nasty!!!!

Our last stop was for lunch. Another walk through beautiful gardens and water ways took us to a pagoda area with hammocks all around. We were given Elephant ear fish and rice paper rolls, huge prawns and deep fried banana flowers. The hammocks were pretty tempting after a belly full of food, but instead we got into sampans (rowing boats) and were paddled around the island. It was a very peaceful and relaxing way to spend the afternoon … it helped that we did not have to do the rowing ourselves!

Back at the hotel, we dropped our stuff and went back out to find some dinner. We ended up coming across a lovely little hole in the wall restaurant that happened to be hosting a ‘learn to play Mahjong’ evening. So many people to watch and it was a great energy… the food was also pretty spectacular!

Day three of the tour had us up very early so we could leave the hotel by 6.30am. Our destination, the airport for a quick 1 hour flight to Da Nang, followed by a bus to Hoi An. This city is amazing! It has such a different vibe to Ho Chi Min. It is much more relaxed, but also so much more colourful! There are lanterns and bunting strung up all over the place, markets and shops in every nook and cranny, and so many more people!

Our walking tour of the area started with lunch at the Noodle House, and it was pretty spectacular! We then went on to see a temple and made wishes by burning incense sticks – the idea being that the smoke rises to bring the wish directly to the gods. There is a lot of Chinese and Japanese influence in this area, it is now a UNESCO heritage listed site because of its age and history and it was great hearing all kinds of information about it all from the guide.

Hoi An is very famous for all of the textile markets, and tailoring that happens here, so our next stop was to visit a taylor and to see how they do what they do. A couple of the group members, J included, chose to have some items of clothing made, and only had to wait 24 hours for those things to be delivered to the hotel. It’s pretty impressive!

Our ride back to the hotel was in a buggy… an electric golf cart that seats about 10 people… it’s a great way to see the area as it is all open and not super fast! It also spared our feet a bit, which were definitely feeling the day at this stage! My friend and I chose to indulge a little bit when we got back to the hotel, and took full advantage of the Spa to have a 90 minute massage which only cost about $25 – a fraction of what we pay at home!

We finished the day with a street food dinner . Bahn Mi and chicken rice, both of which were very tasty. Street food vendors tend to specialise in one thing and that is all they will cook. It is not unusual for people to go to several different places to have all of the things that they like. Walking through the city at night gave another perspective… slightly less crowded, but just as colourful and fun! We all decided to go in Sampans which were lit up with lanterns, and to release a wish into the water. It was a completely tourist thing to do, but super pretty and a whole lot of fun!

Day four saw most of the team changing the set plans completely. We had a choice of several different ‘free time’ activities including a 4 hour bike ride through the city, or a cooking class … both sounded great, until someone suggested hiring a bus and going to the Golden Hand Bridge. It turned out that our guide is a super good sport and managed to arrange the excursion. It was phenomenal!

The bridge sits at the top of one of Vietnam’s highest mountains at 1414m above sea level, and is part of a theme park. To reach it requires a long cable car ride, (it holds the record for the longest continuous cable car ride in the world) most of the way to the top. The views were spectacular and the bridge absolutely lived up to expectation… actually it probably exceeded them for me! … funnily enough it was also my second time going to a theme park on the top of a mountain in an Asian country – my first was in Malaysia (I wrote about it in an earlier blog)

We walked around for hours enjoying all of the colour, chaos and activity! We even managed to find a beer festival, much to the delight of some of our group! Back to the bus and our hotel, and for those that had clothing made, a final fitting to make sure everything was perfect. For me, I chose to finish the day with another walk around the markets. My plan was to do some souvenir shopping, but I was completely overwhelmed with all the choices and ended up not buying anything! I also opted out of the evenings activity (a cultural show) and chose to get to bed early… tour life is exhausting!

Day five was another new location Hue City. It is the half way point when travelling from one end to the other in Vietnam. We were on the bus for about 4.5 hours and travelled through the mountains to get there. We did make a couple of stops… the first for the Dragon Bridge in Da Nang, and the second was back at the airport to collect a wayward passport that had been left behind! We also stopped at a fishing village called Lang Co to stretch our legs.

The village sits on a lagoon and is well known for oyster farming. It was a super picturesque place with the mountains in the background … and a Mecca for tour buses! Apparently old tires are used for the oyster shells to grow on! – and obviously where there are oysters, there are also pearls! I bought myself a necklace – both as an early birthday prezzie and an anniversary (30 years this year) gift from Claytie. I deliberately chose imperfect pearls, because it is an imperfect anniversary without Claytie.

Our next stop was for lunch. This district is famous for food wrapped in banana leaves and salted coffee! … I’m not a coffee drinker, but the food was delicious! My meal – a noodle bowl and a beer came to a grand total of $4!After lunch, we checked into our hotel, had a little bit of a nap and then went off for a walking tour of the Citadel – home of the Emperor!

The Imperial Citadel is a huge complex with a heap of different buildings. It was the home and headquarters of the Nguyen Dynasty- the last Vietnamese royalty, who reigned from 1802-1883, 13 generations from that family. The area was largely destroyed during the war, and is slowly being rebuilt. There are several different sections that people were allowed to enter (or not) depending on their station. It was a lovely walk with interesting stories and buildings to look at.

Day five finished with Family dinner. We were taken to a local family home and shown how the Vietnamese people live. We learned about the main religion in Vietnam, which is ancestor worship – it is really important that the ancestors are not forgotten. The ancestral home is not lived in, but rather is the place that a shrine is set up to remember family members that have died. There are photos on the wall of the shrine area, and once a year there is a big party for all of the family to remember those that have died.

The family we visited live inside the citadel wall, and were incredibly welcoming. We were offered Beetle nut and leaves to chew. It makes the mouth numb and colours teeth and tongue red…. It used to be a beauty standard for women to die their teeth black and have very red lips to go with it…and chewing this beetle mixture would not only help to keep them that way, but also give a bit of a high. Only two of our group chose to partake, and both said it was not a pleasant experience. We were given a tour of the kitchen and then invited to eat. The food was plentiful and very very tasty! It was a lovely way to finish another full, fun day!

That’s me right now, trying to sort myself out to travel later this week. I find packing really hard! There are so many things to over think and a million possibilities to prepare for! I know with 100% certainty that I will completely overpack and probability and not use half of what is in my suit case… but I’m still putting it in! Haha…

The countdown for my trip to Vietnam is on, and I am really starting to look forward to it. I have no idea what to expect, and I am excited to have an adventure. Going to Vietnam was a last minute impulsive decision, made a month or so ago, and I am hoping that like a lot of other impulsive decisions that I have made, this one is a good one!

I love an adventure, and since Claytie died I have made it a bit of a mission to do a whole lot of travelling. It was something we should have been doing together, we had a whole list of places that we wanted to see, and while none of my trips have been like those ones we imagined, they have all been amazing in their ways! Each one has been with someone different and that’s been fun too! I’m hoping that eventually my social media memories have a different destination for every month, and give me a whole lot of happy things to remember!

It was another whirlwind week with all the usual chaos.. plus a bonus outing with my Squish! I went to watch him play soccer – as much as toddler can do such a thing! The group he goes to gets the kids to do all kinds of gross motor activities and it is honestly the cutest thing you have ever seen! It’s ridiculous! … and on this occasion the the desire for the indoor activities was very much over shadowed by the playground outside! This old Birdie spent a whole lot of time chasing a smol Squish to bring him back to the group! – I will need a fitness plan if I am going to do this more often!

I also spent a fabulous Saturday night with some fun people watching a burlesque/circus performance at a local bar – with ‘kick-ons’ and a sleep over at my place! It was something different, and a whole lot of fun…. And meant a very early bed time for me on Sunday! Now for the last little count down… 4 days of work and then Holiday time for me! Have a great week x

So this is version two of this blog… I somehow managed to delete – never to be recovered- my first – and probably better one, when I hit the wrong button (note to self, always save as you go, and why the hell is there a delete draft option!!) … but any way, here we go!

In the last couple of weeks I have been reconnecting with friends that I had been largely (and for some very deliberately) distancing myself from and in some cases even avoiding altogether. During the course of my relationship, it became apparent that some of these friendships were a problem for my partner and so in order to prioritise him, I let them slide.

At the time it felt like the right (and not completely unreasonable) thing to do. I was doing what I thought was supposed to… compromising to make things work and figuring out how to carry some of that baggage that we all have in the relationship. It wasn’t until someone said to me the other day – it’s nice to have the real you back, that I gave any of it a whole lot of thought.

Hindsight and a whole lot of reflection since, have shown me how heavy some of those compromises now feel. I have always thought of myself as a pretty good friend, but feel like maybe I haven’t been in the last little while! Right now, not having to second guess conversations and motives is going back who I actually am, and I am feeling much lighter recognising myself again. I don’t have a single regret about that relationship – there was such a lot of really, really amazing stuff, and I certainly don’t want to be mean or negative about the person in any way, but coming back to feeling like myself again, is definitely something that feels good.

I absolutley feel like all of this relationship stuff is still new for me – and I do question whether it ever becomes normal, and how much energy I have to keep trying! With Claytie, I never any of this stuff to worry about. Neither of us had any baggage to carry so I was absolutely just me, just like he was truly himself too. We were so young when we met, and together for such a long time, it just wasn’t a thing. We grew up and evolved together and I guess that gave me a really lovely – if naive expectation of how it should be.

What I think I have learned – and let’s face it, everything is a lesson- is that compromise only works so far, and if you have to change yourself too much to make the pieces fit, then maybe, even with a whole lot of love there, it’s not for you. I have no regrets about any of the things that have happened since Claytie died – although there are definitely some fairly wild experiences that I am not ever going to repeat. What I am going to do is keep living the best life I can, keeping an open mind and having all kinds of adventures. I guess it’s all just part of the ‘it is what it is’ circle of life!

So last week felt like a very long week!… actually, this whole year has felt like a long one already! So many things feel like they are going through change and upheaval, both in my world and for people around me, at the moment and exhaustion seems to be just an everyday part of it all. It’s nice to think that it all means better things are coming, but it can be a hard slog getting through all the stuff before the good things come!

I do want to share a really huge proud parent moment, in what was otherwise a pretty average week! One of my boys who has been a bit of a lost soul lately, has just signed on to be an apprentice – his chosen is field plumbing! He has a mate that works for the same company, so he has been able to do some trial shifts before making the commitment. He is super keen – so much so that I was given a late night run down on the entire content of his brand new tool belt – and I am so happy for him! It’s nice to know that he is excited to be doing this and is back to feeling like he has a purpose!

The shitty and bitter part in all that, comes from Claytie not being here to also be proud! He would be beside himself and so excited for his son. He was always so much better at having faith that things would play out for the boys and that everything would work out for the best, and he would want to know and understand all the details. I try my best, but it’s just not the same… All my boy wanted after making his decision was to tell his dad… and of course that’s not possible in the way we would all love! It was a really sad moment for him, and hard for me too! The closest he could come was to send a message to someone that should have responded with pride and love, but who chose instead to raise an ongoing grievance instead… and that really broke my heart for the kid!

It’s really hard when big things happen – good or bad- and your person isn’t there to be part of it. That’s been the feeling again this week. When things are just plodding along, you can compartmentalise the grief in an easier way… but when the bigger things happen it’s just right there, back in your face, and it’s hard to be everything for everyone. I’m lucky (and I will keep saying it) to have a bunch of people in my world to help carry that load; and while I really really appreciate it and couldn’t do without it, none of that makes up for Claytie not being here.

It’s been nearly 5 years since that awful day, and while it might look from the outside like I am doing ok, the fear and anxiety are all right there still. I think I am maybe better at acknowledging when I’m feeling like this, and being mindful to let it happen, but it’s really really hard. – and I hate when the grief and loss hurt my kids and I can’t do a whole lot to help them through it other than to be there and tell the just how proud I am of them.

Life really is a rollercoaster, and it seems like just when you think you’ve got to a slower and more leisurely spot, another hill and dip are just around the corner. All any of us can do is just one day at a time and one step at a time. … or as Claytie would say: it just is what it is! I know for sure that there are some hugely exciting, good things coming our way, and until then I’ll just keep plodding!

**trigger warning** this is not a happy or positive post.

This week – a pretty ordinary one really- finished with something that I have found incredibly distressing. On Sunday, a young man (same age as one of my kids) fell into the river and did not resurface. He and his family were socialising early in the morning and he slipped from the pontoon and went under. He could not swim. – all of that information has come from various news stories and reports.

I woke up early and heard all the sirens. I saw the rescue boats drive past my street. The park and pontoon where this happened is right near my house. There was a full team set up in the car park and the helicopter flying back and forth, very very low, and for hours, searching. It has been reported and speculated on on the various news, community groups and social media sites. My boys have been checking with all of their friends, wondering if it is someone they know.

What I have struggled with most outside of imagining the families grief and heartbreak, is the amount of people who have gone out of their way to sit on the bollards at the top of the park and turn this tragedy into a spectator sport. It’s awful!! There have been so many cars driving past, slowing down hoping for a glimpse. It’s been really difficult to get my head around how voyeuristic this all feels.

I understand that people are curious about the process, and it is all activity that we don’t normally see here in this little pocket of suburbia, but I keep thinking of the young man’s family. It has been incredibly sad -and I can’t fathom how awful it must be for the family to wait, to hope for a positive outcome, but knowing the worst is the most likely; and then to have so many people sitting and watching just adds to the awfulness of the situation. It feels intrusive and insensitive and just so very very wrong!

As I am writing this, the young man has not yet been found. The helicopter and boats are back searching, and his family still don’t know where their boy is. My heart and love go out to them and I hope with everything I have, that they find him soon x

So this week, our little pocket of South East Queensland has been entirely focused on Cyclone Alfred and the trouble he created! Cyclones are not very common in our neck of the woods, so the attention around this one was kind of full on! I have to confess that my anxiety has been elevated because of it all. Having gone through the floods in 2011 and clearing out my entire house, and then again in 2022, weather events are kind of a thing now. .. let’s face it tho, most things cause me some anxiety!

We did have plenty of warning with this one, so with that in mind I set off – along with just about every other person in Brisbane, to get sandbags. My house has a couple of spots that let water in when the rain pelts down super hard, so I wanted to get some stuff in place to minimise all that. 6 hours I waited in line one afternoon after work, only to get near the front of the line and find out that they had run out of sand!… the scene in my car at that point was not a pretty one! Lucky for me I had some fabulous people help me out with getting some the next day!

I managed, eventually, to get the boys involved with preparations, which meant outdoor furniture got moved, pot plants were relocated and the sandbags and tarpaulins were placed…. And then we waited…. And waited … and waited! Old Alfred was in no hurry to actually cross the coast until several days after his predicted arrival, and luckily for us (less lucky in other parts of South East Qld) when he did arrive, it was all a bit of a fizz.

For me, it meant a very quiet weekend and home. I cleaned out a bunch of cupboards and made a very healthy donation to charity, I read a couple of books and listened to music; and I worked on my anxiety blanket! I started to crochet not long before Claytie died, and it was something that helped to keep me sane in the aftermath. I have learned that granny squares are the perfect sized project to keep my brain occupied for just long enough to reset the anxiety.

A 10×10 square is easy enough to start and finish without feeling overwhelmed, and I now have a bag full, with about half of what I need to make a queen sized blanket – eventually. Every time I feel like my brain is racing, I will sit down and pull out the crochet. … some of the squares I have made are pretty damn ugly – and I question my sanity at the time that I chose and paid for some of the wool that I am using, but I am hopeful that once it’s all put together, it won’t look so bad!

For now tho, the wool has been put back where it lives. It’s back to work and business as usual, until the weekend when I try and find some enthusiasm -both for myself and the boys, to tidy up outside and restore some order. … and I can now say I have survived another first without Claytie!

Last week I was having a cuppa with a friend and was showing her all of my recently created photo books- and there are a lot! I have gone back to about 2015 and made a book for every big trip that I have taken since then, and a couple of them are of holidays with Claytie. She was looking at one of those in particular and commented quite unguardedly, about a selfies of the two of us, saying ‘oh you don’t smile like that anymore’.

That was something that really hit home for me. It’s not something I have ever really thought about before. Of course I still smile – I have a whole lot of fabulous things in my world to smile about, but I absolutely don’t smile like that anymore. That happy-go-lucky way of feeling like you know that the future is ok, that you’ll always have your person and that they will always have you. The taking for granted that you don’t have to do all of the worrying in your own. The smile that is completely secure and hasn’t yet been touched by grief.

These days, I guess there is a shadow, a guardedness and a whole lot of ‘life experience’ that won’t ever go away. It’s all of the changes and hard moments that have happened in the last 4 1/2 years, and that’s ok too… it’s me getting older and (maybe) a little bit wiser…. And it’s not all heavy all of the time. Like I said earlier, I have a whole lot of reasons to still be smiling, and I know that there will be a whole lot more of those as well.

This week is likely to add a few more shadows tho, with Tropical Cyclone Alfred all set to make a visit to our part of Queensland. We have had two pretty significant flood events in the last 10 years, so there is a little bit of nervousness happening. Some of the boys have been sending all the updates to the family group chat, so I know they are feeling it a bit too! I’m not entirely sure what needs to be done in terms of preparation – this will be my first cyclone! – so I guess, like with everything else, we will just see what comes!

So this weekend was all about celebration, indulgence and relaxation! …. And it was completely perfect!

I was lucky enough to be invited to Tangalooma Resort, which sits on Moreton Island – just off the coast from Brisbane, to help celebrate a good friend’s 50th birthday. The island is a 75 (or so) minute boat ride away from the city, but feels like a much further away tropical paradise. The waters are crystal clear and turquoise, with barely any waves. It is stunning – and absolutely somewhere I will come back to!

I had actually been to the island and resort once before… in November 1995, heavily pregnant with my first baby. The company that Claytie worked for at the time organised a weekend get away as their Christmas party… so a very fond memory!

Sitting on the sand, by the ocean is always one of my favourite things to do, and doing it with great friends makes it all so much better! The people watching this weekend was also great! Volley ball Qld had a competition on for the two days, so we spent a whole lot of time appreciating the very athletic and energetic performances on display, and chatting with a whole host of different people.

Moreton island is home to 15 deliberately wrecked ships – mostly old sand barges, that have created a spectacular artificial reef, and a huge drawcard for tourists. We spent a lovely morning walking to the site and then trying our hand at snorkelling. It turns out that for all of my buoyancy (saddlebags, muffin top, bat wings etc) I am not a fabulous swimmer… and as close as the wrecks look to the shore, it’s actually much further when swimming it! … totally worth it tho, because once you are looking into the water, it is impossible to look away! There are so very many colourful fish, different types of coral and we were also lucky enough to see a huge turtle… it was like swimming in an aquarium! – although hearing about a shark attack just an hour or so after we were done snorkeling the wrecks was a little bit disconcerting!

The other major attraction is the feeding of wild dolphins – something that has been happening in the resort for a very long time, as my picture from earlier will show! We opted out of the paid experience this time, but sat on the side line (benches on the jetty) and enjoyed the show. It was nice to hear that the current dolphins are descendants of those from back then.

This weekend was a whole lot of quality time talking, laughing, eating, drinking, sleeping, and swimming… and it was just what I needed! Time with girlfriends is always a good thing. They give perspective and honesty alongside comfort and good company, and I feel like I have definitely needed that recently… throw in some sand and salt water therapy and the relaxation is complete!.. my cup, as they say, is full!

So this week, for the first time in nearly 6 months, I went to a Widows catch up.. and it was exactly the right thing to do. I have missed that connection with other people who totally understand what this grief stuff is like. There are people who are very new to the journey, and others who are much further along, and it feels good (and I know how weird that sounds!) to make those connections.

I hadn’t realised quite how much I have been missing and needing that. I had kind of talked myself out of going while in my relationship, choosing to spent time with my person instead, and while I don’t have any regrets, I have realised that the group gives me something that I can’t get anywhere else, and I am able to give back in there as well…. It’s a nice feeling.

The other big thing that I have done this week, is to book a trip! At my work, I have to apply for annual leave at least 6 months in advance. Last minute stuff just doesn’t get approved, and single days are very hit and miss (it’s a whole story on its own, and it makes me cranky! Lol) So in September last year I put in for some time off in April – the original plan was for D and I to go to New Zealand and do a loop of the South Island. That idea is now not going to work, but I still want a holiday… so my girlfriend and I decided quite spontaneously to go to Vietnam.

I’m pretty excited for it, and in the true spirit of spontaneity the whole thing was booked and paid for within 24 hours! We will be gone for 11 days, travelling from Ho Chi Min city up to Hanoi with several stops along the way and will be using all manner of transportation – and even though it is a fully organised tour, I am looking at it as a proper adventure – and will do the usual ‘tour guide’ blogs on the way.

It feels great to have that to look forward to. I thought for a while there that this year might be one without travel – it is not something I want to do on my own, so to now have that has given me a real lift. There is some anxiety around all the modes of transportation – I am incredibly prone to motion sickness, but I will be seeking some advice from the professionals on how to best deal with it! … I won’t let a bit of vomit stop me! Hahaha!

It’s been a good week. The anxiety rollercoaster is a thing that is always there, but the highs count as much as the lows, and I’m taking it as a win.

Let me start by saying that I know that this blog isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I know that I do over-share a whole lot. That is me… it is who I am and I actually quite like that about myself. There are no secrets. I write all of this stuff as a kind of therapy. It helps me to process and work through what I need to ( I actually have a whole pile of stuff that is written and may never be published) If it is not for you… you don’t have to read it. That is OK. Not everything I share is fabulous, and not everything makes me look particularly great – sometimes it is aimed at other people, and that isn’t always great either…. It is just all of the stuff that is happening in my world. I try to be respectful and I try not to be mean…. but I am always honest!

And in the spirit of that honesty…. Ohh boy, this last little while has been a roller coaster! … and not really a fun one! Relationships are really really hard – and unpredictable! And exhausting.

D and I have seen each other a couple of times this week and have gone back to speaking. He has apologised for walking away without communication, and we have talked through what happened. We both said what we needed to say and that wasn’t all pretty either! I do feel a whole lot better about of this relationship now that we have had those conversations. There are a whole lot of things in all of this for me to think about and learn from, and I plan on sitting with that for a while.

At this stage we are working at being friends, and I am really happy about that. I was incredibly sad to think that I would loose a friendship that I value highly. There will be some space and distance, and I think we both need it…. but there is still a whole lot of love, and who knows where it goes from here…perhaps it’s just as simple as our timing was just not right for now! The differences that were there, are still there and will take some work….. and it’s OK. If this is meant to be then we will find our way back together, and if not then it is what it is.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough tho, and I have missed having my person to talk to. The thing with grief (and this is definitely grief) is that the person you most want to talk to about the shit in your life, is the one who is not there and is causing the shit! I am still missing that connection, and it will take a while for those scabs to heal, but I know that I will be fine, and I know that he will be fine too… and now that we are back to talking, it doesn’t feel quite so hard anymore.

At this stage I have no intention to write anything else about this relationship, and the break up (but I can’t promise that I won’t…) My plan is to find my feet and see what comes next. As I have said in a previous blog, I do feel as though I have my equilibrium back to a large extent, and I know who I am and who I want to be. I have a whole lot of friends in my world who I can count on to support me in whichever way I need, and I am super grateful for that.