Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

I haven’t been sure what to write about this week, which is why it’s taken longer than normal… and having another public holiday long weekend has made it feel like I had time to spare too! – not that I have any sort of deadline for this, other than the one I give myself!

I do have a deadline coming up very soon tho, and that is to finish putting together the presentation my friend and I are giving at Camp Widow in a couple of weeks! I had to find some photos to put into our PowerPoint today, and that was actually really hard! So many to choose from, and beautiful memories attached to each one… It has made me feel quite nervous about being super emotional standing infront of around 50 people telling my story and talking about the things that have helped me cope. I’m sure (I hope) once we are there and actually get started it will be ok… but this is me, so tears are a given!

D was sitting on the couch with me when I was looking through the photos, and it was such a nice feeling having him there and knowing how supportive he is. I know I keep saying how lucky I have been – my childhood and the family I belong to; the story I had with Claytie – our boys and the life we had together, and I feel truly lucky to have met D and to be able to forward plan what this new part of my life looks like.

If you have a conversation with anyone who has been widowed, you’ll find that the idea of forward planning is terrifying! We know that life can and does change in a heart beat. It can feel like the universe is laughing at us when we think we can look that far ahead – and by far I can mean a day, a week, a month, a year or even further depending on what we are planning. That thought of looking ahead has been something that has completely freaked me out more than once, and for a long time I just couldn’t do it… I still can’t with a lot of things, but there are somethings that are starting to feel exciting!

D and I have a big trip planned for August… we are going to Singapore, London (catching up with a whole group of widowed friends), a day trip to Paris, then heading to Edinburgh, Glasgow and a road trip around the north coast of Scotland before we fly to Germany to see Hamburg and Berlin. I remember crying buckets when I first put in for my annual leave in August of last year. It seemed like such a scary thing, thinking and planning for that far ahead, and now I can’t wait – and we are already talking about the travel we want to do next year and the year after.. and that is not something I thought I would be able to do again!

Forward planning feels like hope and possibility. It feels like a promise of sorts that things will be ok. It makes me nervous to embrace that completely – I have been here before and then my world turned upside down… but having someone to walk beside me makes that feeling more reachable. So, really – how lucky am I!?

I’ve been thinking this week about how bad we as a society are about grief and death. I was watching something on tv about someone who’s baby died in utero, and while it was acknowledged it came with a side of “you’re young enough to try again” – as though that would magically erase the loss and sadness.

Western society is very good at trying to box things up to make it neat and tidy. We place grieving people into these boxes and wait for them to emerge whole and healed. The boxes are small and compact and come with all kinds of expectations around time and forward planning. Anyone who has been pushed into one of these boxes knows that’s not how it works with grief! … there is no one size fits all!

There are so many stereotypes around grief and what it should look like. Everyone has an opinion – and all feel free to share theirs. ‘Oh you’re still sad – but it’s been 4years… I thought you would be over it’ ‘I could never date again… I love my person too much to even think about it’ … ‘it makes me too sad to speak about your person’ … ‘how would your person feel seeing you behave like this’…

There is an expectation that after a year, your grief magically disappears, and if it doesn’t (which it won’t) you are stuck and in need of some good therapy. What I have found tho, is that by talking about my loss and emotions openly, I don’t feel stuck. I’m acknowledging what I am going through, and that death happens to everyone and that I’m working on finding a way to make life after death work for me.

I am never going to not miss Claytie – that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t love someone else. There will always be an element of ‘I wish’ in everything that happens without him – that’s not magical thinking, that is the reality of Loss; of thinking my life was going in one direction, with all of the plans that we had made, and having to not only stop completely, but then change direction/counties entirely and start again. I can’t and don’t want to switch off the I wish moments – that would be like somehow pretending my life with Claytie wasn’t real.

Not a day goes by where I am not affected by my loss. I can hear a song on the radio or see someone wearing a shirt that Claytie also had. It can be a conversation with one of by boys – who all remind me of Claytie in their own way. It can be thinking about the Squish and how much Claytie would have loved him…. I try really hard not to dwell on my grief, but it has a way of sneaking in even when I’m really loving my life right now. It’s not because I am stuck and not trying to move forward, it is because I have loved and lost and that will be part of my life forever.

The one guarantee that we all have as living beings, is that it will end! We are all going to have to face losing people that we love, and having to continue living after. Judgement, timeframes and neat little grief boxes don’t have any place in that. There is no quick-fix pill that magically makes it better. Giving people grace and letting them do grief their way, acknowledging their loss and their reality with understanding and compassion is far more helpful. We need to get better at grief as a society – we are all going to face it!

So this week has been a big week with, what I think is a significant milestone. I turned 50! It’s been a weird thing… obviously I knew it was coming, but it is still somehow surprising!

There was a whole lot of reflecting for me in the lead up to the day. Thinking about how different this all looks compared to the thoughts I had at my last big birthday 10 years ago. There was also a whole lot of what my mum calls ‘magical thinking’… all the wishes and would-bees, missing Claytie and feeling the unfairness that I get to do this and he doesn’t.

There is such a duality with all of it. The excitement of planning a party and catching up with so many fabulous people. Feeling incredibly lucky and spoilt and loved… right alongside a feeling of being short changed. I know that Claytie is gone, I know that he isn’t coming back… I have accepted that and I’m doing by best to grab happiness when it comes my way, but the sadness is always there, right along with the happy and the excited.

I didn’t let myself think about it too much in the planning over the last couple of months, but on about Wednesday it hit hard. In lots of ways I’m happy about it, it meant that I got to process it away from the big day. I guess I know that feeling sad is part of it all, and that I should expect it – I know I will have those days again… but boy are they tough!

The night of the party tho was fabulous! A 1950s theme with so many people that I love and are important in my world! All dressed up in Poodle skirts and petticoats, and a fair number of T Birds and Elvis hairstyles! Food and drinks, conversation and laughter, cake and a speech of sorts… I had a truly lovely night! My friend is the events coordinator and manager at the venue we were at and I have to give her a massive shout out for making it all easy and spectacular! D was also a huge help with all the running round that happens, and then DJ-ing the karaoke machine for me!

But the biggest thank you goes to all of you who are in my world and cheering me on from the sidelines. I have been made to feel loved, supported and spoiled and I appreciate the role that you all play in that. My life doesn’t look at all like I thought it would, but the glimmers and sparks of good things are there and I’m reaching for them with both hands… and so far – albeit only one day in, 50 has been gloriously sparkly!

So this week there was a thing that caught my attention. A new person to the widows group made a comment about being surprised at how many people have re-partnered after the loss of their person. The comment caused quite a lot of conversation, both on line and for me, in person with some of my friends.

The way the initial comment was written made it look as though this person felt like the support group doubled as a dating site – something that is absolutely not the case – although some people have met and connected that way. The group I am part of caters predominantly to ‘younger’ widows, those aged between 30-50. There are obviously also people outside of this range, but that is the majority of the group.

A huge element of the group support comes in the way of talking through the things that death brings with it. Death Admin – banks, lawyers, changing service provider accounts and such; often we touch on psychologists and grief counselling, how to help kids at whatever age and so many other things that come along as part of losing your person. And we absolutely talk about changes in relationships with friends and family – and new relationships that come along. Dating and moving forward in your life are hugely daunting things, and who better to talk through some of this stuff than other people who are in a similar place as you!?

Having people in the support group to talk with about this stuff has been so helpful. What is normal? What is not? Is this weird? Have you had this or that happen? For me it was also helpful hearing some of this stuff before I was ready to go there… it gave me hope that happiness was still possible, and I am so grateful for that.

For me Widowhood came at 46, and the thought of being in my own for the rest of my life was incredibly overwhelming and sad, in amongst all of the other feelings that come with such a huge loss. Obviously I will always grieve Claytie and wish that this was not my life, but I am also a realist and know that there is nothing wrong with hoping and looking for another person to do life with.

Claytie and I had such a fairytale life together. Having met in high school, we grew up together. We had the same ups and downs that everyone has, but when I look back at my life with him I have zero regrets and feel nothing but love. In lots of ways it feels greedy to expect another fairytale, but at the same time, why shouldn’t I!?

I feel like I have been pretty lucky with the dating thing too. I have leaned about myself in so many ways interacting with people in this setting, and I absolutely feel like I’m in a fabulous place right now. I’m grateful for all of the support that I have had, and hopefully am able to offer that to others as well x

This week has been an interesting one, in kind of a shitty way…. And I am not sad that it’s done!

Tuesday was supposed to be my first day back in my permanent position, but I took the day off to attend a funeral. I had to argue with my new boss, who had declined my leave, to let her know that I would ABSOLUTELY be going to celebrate a friend that was so close they are family. That for me is not something that anyone should have to do – ever.

The email advising me of disciplinary action, should something like this happen again was icing on the shit cake! It turns out that two other people attending the same funeral had to have similar conversations with their boss, and one had to do some work just prior to the wake. It’s eye opening how dreadful we, as a society, are with grief.

All of that meant that my first day back started with more anxiety than it should have. The anxiety was always going to be there, let’s face it, it’s me we are talking about after all, but it didn’t need to be what it was. The admin staff in the department are all new to me, it has been two years since I last worked there. I have been slowly meeting and introducing myself to them as my boss arrived late on my first day and did not suggest a walk around. … it’s been interesting! It was really nice to be greeted with familiar – and happy to see me- faces from the midwives tho.

The other thing that hit me, and quite unexpectedly, was one of my weekend chores. It has been on the list for 3 and a half years. – A bucket of paperwork that has been sitting in my office since we did our original clean out after Claytie died. I have been meaning to shred and dispose of it all, but have been putting it into the too hard/can’t be bothered pile. I had mentioned it to D a few weeks ago and suggested the quickest thing to do would be to burn it, so that’s what we did.

D carried the bucket (think giant plastic tub weighing at least 10kg) down to the fire pit in the backyard; I found a lighter and off we went. I was pretty happy at the thought of getting it all done, (I’m not sure the neighbours appreciated all of the smoke we created, but it is what it is) and as I said it’s been on the to-do list for a long time. What I was not expecting, and not ready for was the emotions I felt seeing Clayties signature and scribbles on those pieces of paper.

I didn’t want or need to keep any of it, but seeing that familiar handwriting that has been missing from my world for so long, actually made me really emotional. I’m a bit surprised at how shocked I was at seeing it, given that I knew it was his paperwork I was getting rid of. I think that is one of those things with grief – you compartmentalise and put blinkers on for things that are not immediately needing your attention, and then down the track they come out and surprise you. After the initial punch of feeling, it was a good job to get done, and I’m grateful to D for helping me to do it.

I have a couple of other ‘death admin’ jobs left to do, but I am not in a hurry to do them. Luckily for me I don’t have to them until I (and the boys) are ready, but I am sure that they will be just as emotional. I have decided that I just need to write off this week as a shit week, and start fresh on Monday. I have also decided that I’ll keep applying for other positions for work and continue seeing what comes next.

Happy Easter… I hope you and yours have enjoyed the break and have done something nice with it. Im a bit late with my writing this week, between work and Easter celebrations with family, the time just got away from me!

We celebrated Easter with a big family breakfast, which was really lovely. We didn’t manage to get everyone – a couple of my lot went camping, and some of my siblings had other plans, but we had almost all of them. It was a nice opportunity for my Boys to meet one of D’s kids (the other one was working) and that was really nice too! It’s always such a lovely- if slightly chaotic- thing to spend time with everyone together. The Squish, as you would expect, was the life of the party and thoroughly enjoyed all of the attention!

I had my last shifts in the emergency department this week, and I finished with a run of 4x lates (11pm finish time) which has messed up my sleep patterns a whole lot. They were pretty nice shifts tho, so a good way to finish up. I will be starting back in my substantive role in Maternity on Wednesday, and while I really really enjoyed the variety of emergency work, it will be great to have my weekends back and to work normal hours every day.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this week and it’s given me some stuff to think about. She acknowledged something that I have said before about feeling awkward and a bit out of place in the group since Claytie died, and followed it with saying that I really shouldn’t because everyone wants me to be happy. It was a really lovely thing for her to say, and probably something I needed to hear.

In the past I have felt quite judged for how I was surviving and processing my new life. Some of that judgement has been real and with big consequences, and some has been my perception. Comments made by people along the lines of ‘I don’t think I could ever date again’ have felt like they implied somehow that I don’t love Claytie enough. They seem to sit with me for a long time and then I question whether I’m grieving the wrong way (I know it’s stupid!). It is reassuring to feel like isn’t the case and that I need to not worry so much.

There is such a weird duality to my life these days – a real split personality thing. In some ways I am living my life as though Claytie was still part of it – I imagine I always will, because how could I not!? – and at the same time I am living a whole new life which is looking better each day. I love getting to do so many new and different, and nothing things with D. We are planning a big trip towards the end of the year which I am super excited for, and I’m looking forward to introducing him to everyone at my Party in a couple of weeks. It is such a lovely feeling having someone who is my new person, and yet there is still a mixture of guilt and happiness all the time. It is an odd way of living.

All things considered tho, I am happy. I wasn’t sure what that would look like in the beginning, and I still struggle with looking too far ahead, but for right now I am letting myself be unapologetically happy.

This has been my last full week off before I change roles again after Easter and I have tried to make the most of it! It’s been a big week for cleaning all kinds of things in my house and I feel pretty good about it. It has given me back some of the control that I have felt I haven’t had in the last few weeks. I’m still nervous about my work change – it is going back to the place I was working when Claytie died and there’s some pretty real PTSD for me with that; but I’m trying hard to acknowledge those feelings and then move along. I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be pretty up and down, but I also know that I have survived a whole lot worse and I will be fine.

I’ve started getting busy organising things for my birthday next month. Costumes have been bought and cake and Karaoke have been ordered. My friend is coordinating the event for me and I’m sure I’m starting to drive her nuts with my need to control – sorry, not sorry haha. I’m looking forward to spending a fabulous evening with so many people who are special to me, but I’m also very conscious of it being a very different thing to previous big birthdays. It’s a really bittersweet thing to plan. I miss Claytie immensely, but I’m also looking forward to making new memories.

One of my boys is taking a huge leap into owning his own business … it is still a work in progress but I am so excited to see that he is making it happen, and once it does, rest assured I will be spamming you all with it. It is something he has been talking about for years and I know Claytie would be beside himself to see it all coming together. He was always talking about buying a business, it was a daydream he indulged in often, so for one of his boys to be doing it is absolutely a dream come true. All four of the boys are doing so well with the things they are doing and I am crazy proud of all of them. It’s been such an eye opening thing watching them navigate their lives without Claytie, and I am in awe of how well they are doing.

This week has also been an incredibly sad one for a whole lot of people in my world. One of my parents oldest and best friends died after a long battle with Dementia. For him, his suffering is over, he is at peace and that is absolutely the best thing. For his wife, children and all of us that his life touched there is a Bill sized hole in the universe that can’t be filled.

Losing another someone that had been a huge part of my life has reminded me of others that have left holes in my universe. Most of them have been incredibly fond memories and I have smiled thinking of them. I appreciate how lucky I have been to have loved and been loved by so many people and to have had them help shape my world.

It has once again highlighted how important it is to live each day the best way I know how. To appreciate and be grateful for all of the good things that I’m lucky enough to experience. I try not to take anything for granted, because life can change in a heartbeat. It is not always easy to maintain that mindset, I am only human … but I try hard to not hang on to the shitty moments, or the anxiety for any longer than I need to!

This week I had a widow support group catch up, and it’s the first one I have been to in a little while. I am really glad I went, I think I needed it. Often I get caught up in whatever is happening in my world and don’t realise how much I need the connection with these people that really get me. This time I was able to introduce a newly widowed friend to the group, it was her first time coming to something like it. I’m not sure if she will come again or if it is not her thing at all, but I’m really glad she came.

For me, going to the catch ups has always been a really validating thing to do. You meet people at varying points in their grief journey and they all understand the things that you are going through. Sometimes it is really great to get advice and sometimes you are able to give it. Sometimes it’s just about sitting with a person and giving them space, other times it’s just a lovely time chatting with different people about all kinds of things. I usually find that I connect with someone and the things that are happening for them truly resonate with me and I walk away from it feeling reassured and hopeful.

We all share the heavy load of grief and the confusion that comes along with it. There are hard things around friends and family, and just figuring out who you are post loss. There are life admin things and then there are the moving forward stories around dating and re-partnering. There is always someone who has been where you are, and it is reassuring to hear their take on it all.

My friend was not the only new person this week. We had an older gentleman come for this first time and he was quite nervous. I think he was a little bit disappointed that there weren’t any other men at this weeks catch up. We do have several men that often come along, but it is generally a much more female group that attends. I think as women we are just much better at sharing our feelings with others. It actually makes me quite sad, because all of the men I have spoken with have exactly the same feelings, its just somehow not ok for them to share. – Anyway, I had a really lovely time chatting with the new guy and hearing his story. He and his wife have known each other since she was 12 – 9 years before they married and then 51 years together. He stayed for lunch with us and then left, but messaged our organiser not long after to say thank you – and to let her know that it had been his wedding anniversary that day. I’m so glad that he came along and was able to talk about his person and share her with us. I hope he comes again and does get to meet some of the men in the group (there are a couple of them that I really think would get along well).

This week my friend and I will be putting in some work to get our presentation sorted out for Camp Widow in May. Im starting to get excited for it, but also nervous. It feels like a pretty big deal to stand up in front of a room full of people and talk about the things that have helped me in my grief journey. I know how much I have benefitted from listening to speakers in previous years, and from the group as a whole, and I just want to get it right. It feels like a big responsibility in a whole lot of ways – wish me luck!

This week has been one where my anxiety has raised its head again, and it’s because of the change in my work place. I have never been good with change – even the ones that I chose to implement, and the lead up to it is what messes with my brain. I know that I will be absolutely fine with what is coming, but before I get there I have to do the ‘worst case scenario’ process in my brain. I absolutely frustrate myself with it, but it is what it is!

I managed to have quite a lovely week this week in spite of the anxiety. I was able to get some chores done as well as a bunch of fun things. I had a super lovely family dinner for D’s son’s birthday and it was really nice to get to know both of his kids better. I also had a lovely morning in the city with him and we indulged in a fabulous couples massage and a yummy lunch at the ‘fat noodle’ in the casino.

We had a huge day in my garden over the weekend; weeding, pruning, planting and mulching and it was fabulous! No time to spend in my head, and a good hard work out (with plenty of achy complaining the next day!). The ‘manly’ job of using the mulcher went to D who managed to get through a whole pile of palm fronds, like a kid in a candy shop… the yard looks great, and my brain had a break for a minute.

I finished off the weekend with my kids (minus one who was working) coming for family dinner at home – the best bit of that was having the Squish here. It’s so lovely to see him exploring the world and figuring stuff out. He also has a fabulous appetite and makes the cutest happy noises when he eats!

I’ve had the nicest time with people who fill my cup. I’m ready to face a new week and work and see what is next to come my way. I’m sure the anxiety will hang around for a little while yet (who am I kidding, it will probably be around forever!) but I know that I can get through it!

So, for the last year, I have been working in an area of the hospital that I have always wanted to be in. I love the chaos, carnage and unpredictability of the emergency department – I know, I’m a sicko! It’s been a hugely eye-opening experience, and I have seen a whole lot of things that most people don’t experience, both good and bad…. But I have also had a huge amount of anxiety working here.

Funnily enough, it hasn’t been the patient injuries and illnesses that have been the problem for me, but rather the staff – admin to be precise. They are a very cliquey team and most of them have been in their roles for a very long time. I have made some great connections with a handful of people, but with a team of 35 or so it has felt like an uphill battle. My ‘imposter syndrome’ has been pretty well all encompassing, and I have not felt at home and part of the team in the department since I started.

It’s hard when you feel like an outsider when you start something new, but it’s harder when that feeling doesn’t really go away. Since Claytie died I have had that ‘outsider’ feeling a lot. He was always my cheerleader and voice of reason. I have a whole lot of other people who do that for me too, but his was the voice I trusted most to put an end to the second guessing. Trusting myself and my decision making has not been an easy thing to learn, and I haven’t always got it right, but I’m proud of myself for how far I have come.

I have been on secondment from my role in the Maternity outpatient department for two years now, and I have learned a whole lot of new things, both in a work context as well as about myself. I know now that I can do a whole lot of things that I never thought I could. I have faced change head on and chosen to push myself. My whole life since Claytie died has been an exercise in surviving, and I know I can do it. I have gone way out of my comfort zone in so many areas and it’s been quite empowering.

But, it seems the universe has decided that my secondment days are over, and as of April 1 I’ll be going back to Maternity. Part of me is sad about it – like I said, I have loved the chaos of Emergency, but then the other part of me is excited to go back to a place that has been comfortable to work in for a long time and where I have always felt like a valued part of the team…. And no more night shifts or weekends at work is also a good thing. In someways it does feel like a step back, but then sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards, and maybe that is what this will be. As Claytie would say “it is what it is” and I’m just going to roll with it and see what comes.