Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This has been my last full week off before I change roles again after Easter and I have tried to make the most of it! It’s been a big week for cleaning all kinds of things in my house and I feel pretty good about it. It has given me back some of the control that I have felt I haven’t had in the last few weeks. I’m still nervous about my work change – it is going back to the place I was working when Claytie died and there’s some pretty real PTSD for me with that; but I’m trying hard to acknowledge those feelings and then move along. I’m sure the next couple of weeks will be pretty up and down, but I also know that I have survived a whole lot worse and I will be fine.

I’ve started getting busy organising things for my birthday next month. Costumes have been bought and cake and Karaoke have been ordered. My friend is coordinating the event for me and I’m sure I’m starting to drive her nuts with my need to control – sorry, not sorry haha. I’m looking forward to spending a fabulous evening with so many people who are special to me, but I’m also very conscious of it being a very different thing to previous big birthdays. It’s a really bittersweet thing to plan. I miss Claytie immensely, but I’m also looking forward to making new memories.

One of my boys is taking a huge leap into owning his own business … it is still a work in progress but I am so excited to see that he is making it happen, and once it does, rest assured I will be spamming you all with it. It is something he has been talking about for years and I know Claytie would be beside himself to see it all coming together. He was always talking about buying a business, it was a daydream he indulged in often, so for one of his boys to be doing it is absolutely a dream come true. All four of the boys are doing so well with the things they are doing and I am crazy proud of all of them. It’s been such an eye opening thing watching them navigate their lives without Claytie, and I am in awe of how well they are doing.

This week has also been an incredibly sad one for a whole lot of people in my world. One of my parents oldest and best friends died after a long battle with Dementia. For him, his suffering is over, he is at peace and that is absolutely the best thing. For his wife, children and all of us that his life touched there is a Bill sized hole in the universe that can’t be filled.

Losing another someone that had been a huge part of my life has reminded me of others that have left holes in my universe. Most of them have been incredibly fond memories and I have smiled thinking of them. I appreciate how lucky I have been to have loved and been loved by so many people and to have had them help shape my world.

It has once again highlighted how important it is to live each day the best way I know how. To appreciate and be grateful for all of the good things that I’m lucky enough to experience. I try not to take anything for granted, because life can change in a heartbeat. It is not always easy to maintain that mindset, I am only human … but I try hard to not hang on to the shitty moments, or the anxiety for any longer than I need to!

This week I had a widow support group catch up, and it’s the first one I have been to in a little while. I am really glad I went, I think I needed it. Often I get caught up in whatever is happening in my world and don’t realise how much I need the connection with these people that really get me. This time I was able to introduce a newly widowed friend to the group, it was her first time coming to something like it. I’m not sure if she will come again or if it is not her thing at all, but I’m really glad she came.

For me, going to the catch ups has always been a really validating thing to do. You meet people at varying points in their grief journey and they all understand the things that you are going through. Sometimes it is really great to get advice and sometimes you are able to give it. Sometimes it’s just about sitting with a person and giving them space, other times it’s just a lovely time chatting with different people about all kinds of things. I usually find that I connect with someone and the things that are happening for them truly resonate with me and I walk away from it feeling reassured and hopeful.

We all share the heavy load of grief and the confusion that comes along with it. There are hard things around friends and family, and just figuring out who you are post loss. There are life admin things and then there are the moving forward stories around dating and re-partnering. There is always someone who has been where you are, and it is reassuring to hear their take on it all.

My friend was not the only new person this week. We had an older gentleman come for this first time and he was quite nervous. I think he was a little bit disappointed that there weren’t any other men at this weeks catch up. We do have several men that often come along, but it is generally a much more female group that attends. I think as women we are just much better at sharing our feelings with others. It actually makes me quite sad, because all of the men I have spoken with have exactly the same feelings, its just somehow not ok for them to share. – Anyway, I had a really lovely time chatting with the new guy and hearing his story. He and his wife have known each other since she was 12 – 9 years before they married and then 51 years together. He stayed for lunch with us and then left, but messaged our organiser not long after to say thank you – and to let her know that it had been his wedding anniversary that day. I’m so glad that he came along and was able to talk about his person and share her with us. I hope he comes again and does get to meet some of the men in the group (there are a couple of them that I really think would get along well).

This week my friend and I will be putting in some work to get our presentation sorted out for Camp Widow in May. Im starting to get excited for it, but also nervous. It feels like a pretty big deal to stand up in front of a room full of people and talk about the things that have helped me in my grief journey. I know how much I have benefitted from listening to speakers in previous years, and from the group as a whole, and I just want to get it right. It feels like a big responsibility in a whole lot of ways – wish me luck!

This week has been one where my anxiety has raised its head again, and it’s because of the change in my work place. I have never been good with change – even the ones that I chose to implement, and the lead up to it is what messes with my brain. I know that I will be absolutely fine with what is coming, but before I get there I have to do the ‘worst case scenario’ process in my brain. I absolutely frustrate myself with it, but it is what it is!

I managed to have quite a lovely week this week in spite of the anxiety. I was able to get some chores done as well as a bunch of fun things. I had a super lovely family dinner for D’s son’s birthday and it was really nice to get to know both of his kids better. I also had a lovely morning in the city with him and we indulged in a fabulous couples massage and a yummy lunch at the ‘fat noodle’ in the casino.

We had a huge day in my garden over the weekend; weeding, pruning, planting and mulching and it was fabulous! No time to spend in my head, and a good hard work out (with plenty of achy complaining the next day!). The ‘manly’ job of using the mulcher went to D who managed to get through a whole pile of palm fronds, like a kid in a candy shop… the yard looks great, and my brain had a break for a minute.

I finished off the weekend with my kids (minus one who was working) coming for family dinner at home – the best bit of that was having the Squish here. It’s so lovely to see him exploring the world and figuring stuff out. He also has a fabulous appetite and makes the cutest happy noises when he eats!

I’ve had the nicest time with people who fill my cup. I’m ready to face a new week and work and see what is next to come my way. I’m sure the anxiety will hang around for a little while yet (who am I kidding, it will probably be around forever!) but I know that I can get through it!

So, for the last year, I have been working in an area of the hospital that I have always wanted to be in. I love the chaos, carnage and unpredictability of the emergency department – I know, I’m a sicko! It’s been a hugely eye-opening experience, and I have seen a whole lot of things that most people don’t experience, both good and bad…. But I have also had a huge amount of anxiety working here.

Funnily enough, it hasn’t been the patient injuries and illnesses that have been the problem for me, but rather the staff – admin to be precise. They are a very cliquey team and most of them have been in their roles for a very long time. I have made some great connections with a handful of people, but with a team of 35 or so it has felt like an uphill battle. My ‘imposter syndrome’ has been pretty well all encompassing, and I have not felt at home and part of the team in the department since I started.

It’s hard when you feel like an outsider when you start something new, but it’s harder when that feeling doesn’t really go away. Since Claytie died I have had that ‘outsider’ feeling a lot. He was always my cheerleader and voice of reason. I have a whole lot of other people who do that for me too, but his was the voice I trusted most to put an end to the second guessing. Trusting myself and my decision making has not been an easy thing to learn, and I haven’t always got it right, but I’m proud of myself for how far I have come.

I have been on secondment from my role in the Maternity outpatient department for two years now, and I have learned a whole lot of new things, both in a work context as well as about myself. I know now that I can do a whole lot of things that I never thought I could. I have faced change head on and chosen to push myself. My whole life since Claytie died has been an exercise in surviving, and I know I can do it. I have gone way out of my comfort zone in so many areas and it’s been quite empowering.

But, it seems the universe has decided that my secondment days are over, and as of April 1 I’ll be going back to Maternity. Part of me is sad about it – like I said, I have loved the chaos of Emergency, but then the other part of me is excited to go back to a place that has been comfortable to work in for a long time and where I have always felt like a valued part of the team…. And no more night shifts or weekends at work is also a good thing. In someways it does feel like a step back, but then sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards, and maybe that is what this will be. As Claytie would say “it is what it is” and I’m just going to roll with it and see what comes.

So this week I went to see a psychic. It is the second time since Claytie died that I have done this. This one was someone I haven’t seen before and I have to say I was pretty impressed. She got a whole lot of things really spot on and even the most cynical person would have to be convinced with the things that she knew. Claytie was never a huge believer in any of this stuff, but for me there are too many things that can’t be explained in any other way, and she knew things that she couldn’t possibly have known.

She was able to give me the reassurances that I have been looking for in a few different areas and I’m amazed at how much more settled I feel about them. I know in myself how Claytie would have felt about all of the different things, but to hear them from someone completely not invested, and delivered in a way that fit with who Claytie was, has been really nice for me. Of course there were tears, it wouldn’t be me without them, but it felt really validating and positive.

In other news, my girlfriend and I found out this week that we are definitely going to be presenting a workshop at Camp Widow this year. Something which is both super exciting and terrifying at the same time. We have been working at putting our presentation together and have a whole lot of things planned for it. hopefully the nerves settle down and I can swivel from terror to fun. … watch this space I guess!?

The other really lovely thing that happened this week, was a family dinner at my mum and dad’s house with all of the boys, their partners, the squish and with my new person. It was exactly the kind of chaos that you would expect from such a big crowd and it was perfect! The food was delicious, the conversations easy and the squish entertained everyone… I loved it! It was just the right way to finish my week and I now feel ready to face whatever this week brings.

Something that you don’t realise at first after your person dies, is how much you miss doing nothing. The quiet moments sitting on the couch with the tv on. Pottering about the house and garden, doing your own thing – but together. Going grocery shopping or buying a small something for your space. Things that you kind of don’t count at the time, but are actually far more important in the big scheme of things that the sparkly exciting things we all post on Facebook or instagram.

It’s exciting going out to new places or away having adventures, and those things absolutely have a place – and I am very much going to enjoy doing more of them. They are the ‘living your life to the fullest’ moments and are magic when they are happening or you have them to look forward to, but it’s the everyday things that I have been missing the most up until now.

This weekend for me – not counting the P!nk concert (which was amazing) was one of those nothing weekends that has been blissful! Watching tv together, napping on the couch, doing some gardening and shopping have given me back something that has been missing in my world since Claytie died. There is something incredibly comforting and soul soothing in the everyday ‘nothing’ stuff that we all take for granted.

It can be really easy to numb yourself by doing everything – I have been doing that with the best of them for the last three and a half years. Saying yes to any and all invitations, and if there are no immediate invitations creating your own events. Staying busy means you can skim over rather than examining in detail the grief things that are hard in your life. It means that you don’t really notice how big the hole is that has been left from not having the day to day stuff.

I am almost as excited about the quiet moments as I am about the big stuff that is happening, and that feels kind of scary at the same time – I have only ever had that with Claytie before now. I feel nervous and excited and very lucky to have it again in my life. I’m really looking forward to more of the ‘nothing’ weekends and the feeling of contentment that they bring.

It has been another big week, but it has been a lovely one! This being my week off – which is always a very nice place to start, I had a couple of days of wallowing and doing chores and then had an adventure, and we all know how much I like those!

For Christmas I gave D a weekend away to a place neither of us have been to before, and we decided this was the perfect week to take it. He had a couple of rostered days off which tied in very nicely with my days off, and so we went. Our destination was Yamba in northern New South Wales about a 4 hour drive away from home. On the way down we stopped at my very favourite spot in Cabarita, to climb the headland and sit and watch the waves for a while. It was beautiful!

Our next stop was at Byron Bay and a walk around the lighthouse. It is a truly beautiful part of the world – although I much prefer the beaches on either side of it! We spent ages watching the stingrays swimming around the rocks, before heading back into town for probably the best fish and chips I’ve ever had!

Another couple of hours down the road and we got to our destination of Yamba and our very nice ocean front accommodation for the next couple of nights. The weather wasn’t the most cooperative, but we made the best of it with a glass of wine and a cheese platter for dinner while listening to the ocean – a very nice way to spend the evening.

Day two had us enjoying brekky on the balcony, before we went for a fabulous walk on the beach. The waves were wild and the wind was blowing and I loved it! We also took ourselves off on a drive through town and ended up at another light house and then a walk along the breakwater with a pod of dolphins for company… you really couldn’t ask for more!

One of my sisters and her husband stopped and had lunch with us on their way to having their own adventure in Tasmania, and after a glorious afternoon nap, we had dinner with a good friend who calls that area home now. It was a seriously relaxing day.

Driving home the next morning, we decided to head into McLean – the self described Scottish town of Australia. D had very high hopes being a Scot himself, and unfortunately was left disappointed! The highlight of the town were the very faded, tartan painted power poles around the place, and the view of the Clarence valley from the lookout… and that’s about it!! The other stop we made was at New Italy – a rest stop on the side of the highway which also disappointed- but we had a pretty good laugh about it!

Lucky for me the day was not a complete dud as we went out to a very romantic Candle light concert at St Stephen’s Cathedral in Brisbane that night. It was one of my Christmas presents and was really beautiful. A very talented string quartet played love songs from various movies with the most incredible sounds and ambience.

It’s hard after such a great week off to head back to the real world, but that’s all part of it right!? I hope your new week brings you some good times and happy moments x

I have recently been ‘arguing’ – if you can call it that, with someone on the internet about a quote that got shared. It went along the lines of society not being fair because of pressure put on grieving people to ‘be more positive’ and ‘finding gratitude’ rather than being allowed to stay sad; and while I absolutely agree that as a whole we don’t do death and grief particularly well in the western world, and that sadness makes people really uncomfortable, I truly believe that positivity and gratitude for what is still around do make the days more bearable.

We all know that life can change in the blink of an eye… good and bad. Obviously for me, my change was enormous! In fact it was probably the biggest one that could ever happen after having my kids. Claytie died with no warning at all. We were in such a good place in our life; the kids were doing well, we had so many plans to travel and we had just had our 25th anniversary. Life was looking sooo good.. and then bang, in the blink of an eye the world that I knew was gone.

It feels like it’s been a super slow journey, in the three and a half years since he has been gone, trying to piece myself back together and figure out what my world looks like now, and I think that the constant work of figuring it out will always be the case for me. I’ve had a wake up call like no other – one that has reinforced how quickly things can and do change. We all know it and say it all the time, but I think until something like this happens to you, it’s all some kind of theory. A hypothetical that happens to other people, and we use it to tell the ‘what if’ horror stories and imagine what we would do ourselves in those situations.

Well the flip side to the bad, nasty, hard blink changes that come are the delightful ones that also come and bring happiness and joy… and I’m so lucky to have had a whole lot of those in my life too. They can be the big and obvious things like my first grandchild and all of the joy that he has brought. I have had travels to places that I have enjoyed tremendously and a whole lot of new and amazing people that have come into my world; but there are also smaller and less obvious things that my day to day life has brought that I’m incredibly grateful for. Im lucky to have a job that I like (even when a 8 hour shift becomes 13 hours to cover sick leave), my kids are doing great things in their lives, and we all have stuff to look forward to! I chose to stand by the fact that positivity and gratitude have made my days not only more bearable, but also happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely had gut wrenching sad days, and I know that they will always be part of my life, but I have them because I was lucky enough to have had Claytie as my world for such a long time. The price that we pay for love is grief – such a cliched saying, but true. In lots of ways I’m grateful for my grief because it is a reflection of my love for Claytie. I’m grateful that loving him has paved the foundations for what comes next and i know that trying to embrace the positives is what he would do… after all, it is what it is, I can’t change what has happened and its up to me how I respond to it.

I had some things come up this week around communication and how important it is. A couple of my widowed friends have had hard conversations with the new people in their world that they needed to talk about with some of us in the same position. Things around family introductions – when and how to do it, significant birthdays and how involved new people in their worlds should be and just life stuff made harder with grief…

Sometimes it is really hard to find the words to adequately describe how you feel about your situation. It’s not that you don’t want a new person to be part of things – you really do! But you also don’t want to ‘hurt’ old people in your life with the new. It’s a complicated thing of knowing you’re not doing anything wrong, but feeling judged at the same time. It’s wanting to enjoy all the new things but also being mindful of that being hard for the family of the person who isn’t here anymore. It can be a mine field of hurt without the right communication – and the right communication looks different for everyone.

I have had some of those hard conversations before too, and I find it really difficult to articulate what I’m feeling in a way that makes sense… because to me none of it does make sense. It’s like there is a rational part of my brain that is very clear that Claytie is gone and not coming back. I need to live the best life I possibly can and find happiness in my new life, but then the emotional part of my brain is so attached to him and my old life that it’s almost like being two seperate people at the same time… and trying to find the words to cover all of that can be really hard. Then you have all the other people in your world that have an interest and whose opinions matter.

I have lost significant people in my world since Claytie died because it seems like my looking for happiness was too hard for them. I understand their grief – absolutely I do, I share it – but I also find it hard and unfair that they can’t see what it looks like from my side. I had no choice in my situation and I am doing the best I can with what’s left of my life. I can totally understand why one of my friends who is in a new relationship has reservations about introducing his new person to his in-laws. He doesn’t want to hurt them when their person is gone, but at the same time wants to be proud of the new someone that has brought happiness back to him. – it’s really hard!

I also know that it is easy from the outside to say other people’s opinions don’t matter and shouldn’t count, that you should just do you…. But that is really hard to do when those opinion have always been important before, and when those people are an important connection to your person!

I have no idea of what’s right and wrong in any of this… I’m constantly winging it, but I do know that Claytie would want me to be as happy as I can be – surely it’s what we all want for our person. So that is the advice I have given… do the things that make you as happy as you can be. Be considerate, but put yourself first. You are the one that has to live your life, you know what feels good and you know what is right in your world. We’re all doing the best we can and that has to be enough.

I’ve always had anxiety in one way or another. For me, I think it started when we came to Australia. It was such a big change with so many unknowns for 11 year old me. I changed school 3 times in primary school, and was always the new kid which I hated, and which is something I have written about before. Meeting Claytie gave me a sense of security and safety and settled things down a whole lot. Since he died, that anxiety is back with a vengeance and is a constant presence in my world that I have needed to find a way to live with it.

Mindfulness is something I have been trying to practice since Claytie died. It is not just meditation, although that does help to focus it, but rather it is being aware of each moment and each emotion as they happen and embracing them for what they are. It takes some of the power out of the emotion and is something I try to use around my anxiety – it definitely helps.

It can be hard to slow down and notice things in a busy world. I try to take the time to experience my environment with all of my senses — touch, sound, sight, smell and taste. Sometimes that can be easier said than done, the business of life can absolutely take over, but if you can do it, living in the moment is something that helps. It is about trying to intentionally bringing an open, accepting and discerning attention to everything you do. Finding joy in simple pleasures. Accepting yourself and all of your quirks. Treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. When you have negative thoughts, trying to sit down, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes. Sitting and breathing for even just a minute can help calm things, and is something I do often, especially at work.

For me, I find that often it’s a case of talking about it out loud too. I acknowledge my anxiety and I try to analyse why I am feeling the way that I am. Sometimes I will go to the worst case scenario and give myself solutions – what should I do/say if this happens, how will I react if that happens, and by doing that I take some of the sting out of it. I have a plan and that makes me feel better. – I do have to say that I don’t often need to use it, but I definitely feel better having it!

Like anything, theory and reality don’t always match up. My brain will often go to all kinds of places before I can coral my thoughts again, but I know that I feel better if I am being mindful. This week marks three and a half years since Claytie died and my body remembered before my brain did. Sometimes emotional anniversaries sneak in and heighten the anxiety, but I’m letting myself sit with it and feel what I need to feel. And just like in those early days it’s one minute and one step at a time, one day at a time… it’s all part of my process, and I will get there.