Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

I’ve had a lovely week this week. I had 6 days off and I have to tell you that this new part time roster is the best thing I have done for a long time. Every second week I get 6 days off. I can work more if I choose – there is always someone on sick leave, but I don’t have to; and that’s a really nice feeling!

I’ve been able to tick a whole bunch of stuff off my ‘life admin’ list, and feel much more in control of that stuff. My anxiety has settled right down too, and I’m just happier in myself in a whole lot of ways. It’s a good feeling and I’m just rolling with it for now.

My very favourite thing that I have done recently is to buy a mattress for the back of my car. It’s just a piece of foam that squishes into the back when my seats are down. I call it my ‘Adventure bed’ – mostly because it drives the kids insane when I say it, but it has been sooo much fun!

The other day I took myself to my favourite place to catch up with a couple of friends, and when they left I parked on the headland, hopped in the back and snoozed while watching the waves, whales and a couple of brave guys who were para-sailing off the cliff… it was magic! I’m so excited that I can now do that every second week if I want to, and I’m excited to see what else I find myself doing. I’m not sure the set up works for more than a night or two, but hello adventures, here I come! – and if you want to come along with me, just let me know x

The other thing that I have done, is to put in for a big chunk of annual leave for August/September next year. I’m a bit nervous about this one, it feels big, but am pushing myself to be brave because I know it will be worth it. I’m planning to go back to Germany and Europe and see more of the world. Last time I went to Germany was with Claytie and we had the best time. I have family there who I know will be happy to have me visit, but this time it will be on my own and that’s sad and kind of scary..

I’m not entirely sure yet where I want to go, but I know I want to see everything! I have a friend who will be heading to Greece around that time, so there is a bit of a plan to catch up with her over there and she can show me the places that she loves. Another friend has said he is thinking of doing a bike ride along the Danube, so maybe we can catch up too. I know someone else who is heading home to England soon which is another possibility, and all of those things take some of the scary out of it for me.

Claytie and I had so many plans to travel and have adventures. It feels really hard with out him, but it also feels wrong not to try. I know that he would absolutely be cheering me on with this, so I am doing it; and if you’re also planning a big trip, let me know where you’re going and when and maybe we can share some of the adventure!

The weird world of dating is something that came up in a conversation with someone I met not so long ago. It was not a date situation, but rather a conversation in a group setting. The person was super lovely, but a little bit taken aback by a group of widows out and about laughing and dancing. I have mentioned previously there seems to be an expectation both from people in my world and society as a whole that widowed people are sad all the time and find ‘living’ hard. We do, often! But life is not black and white, it doesn’t just stop because our person died. Happy and sad can exist in the same space and that’s actually a pretty healthy thing.

We got to chatting and several of us were telling stories of the dates that we had been on. The good, the bad and the down right weird. A common theme was not being the other persons priority, and agonising over what was acceptable. It’s a hard thing coming from the beautiful life that we had, to now starting from scratch with a whole pile of baggage. I am friends with a lot of widows who are all navigating the world of dating after losing their person, and one big theme seems to be that people settle for and accept much less than they should.

It seems like everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too in the dating world. Chatting with and seeing multiple people – keeping your options open seems to apply for anyone playing the game… I guess the theory is that the next person you meet could be the perfect one, while the one you’re with now is flawed in some way. In theory, we all know and tell each other that no one is perfect but also that we are worth so much more than we accept and that we should walk away from situations that are not 100% positive. It is easy to look at someone else’s situation and see red flags or things that are just not quite ok. It is much harder when you are in the situation yourself to walk away from it.

We are so desperately missing our person, and the emotional and physical closeness that we used to have, that it is easy to overlook things and stay in a situation much longer than we should. I have a friend who has found herself in a situation where the guy she has been seeing is still living with an ex. Mostly it’s over but they are still living together; he doesn’t want to hurt the ex, but he wants to have a relationship with my friend too!? Not something that you would be happy to have happen, but you go along with it because it feels good in the moment. The person we were chatting with likened it to needing a hit of sugar. We all know that it’s bad for us, but the endorphin rush is something that feels so good that we let it happen. We indulge in behaviour that is potentially risky and hurtful because we need to feel something.

We all do it to some extent.. everyone would prefer to feel happy rather than sad, but that’s not how the real world works. I’m not sure what the answers are… the little highs feel good. It’s nice to have someone tell you what you want to hear, even while you question the sincerity of what they are saying. We no longer have our person to be the cheer squad, so self confidence takes a massive hit and you chase the compliments and the feel good factor even knowing that it’s not healthy. It’s all part of needing to be distracted from the sad reality that is.

I know for myself that I go through phases with this. I download the apps and scroll through looking for connections when I’m feeling low. I go into it knowing that I don’t like it, that this is not how I want to meet people. I don’t actually really know what I’m looking for at this stage either! – I like the idea of having people in my world that I can do things with, a plus one for different things, but not necessarily any sort of full on relationship yet. I don’t like how shallow it feels to be on the dating apps, but it’s nice to have someone comment on a picture or tell me that they would like to meet. It is a sugar hit and a kind of validation that I still matter and that I’m someone that has something to offer… and before you all jump in and tell me off, I know that I matter and I know my own worth – but the sugar hit is addictive in a way.

I imagine this part of the roller coaster will keep going for a little while. I’m not entirely sure how else you meet new people, everyone seems to be on the apps and we all seem to have the same complaints about it, but it’s hard finding other ways to connect. Lately I’ve been setting myself the challenge of talking to at least one new person when I go out socially. I’ve had some pretty interesting conversations, and who knows maybe I will meet someone truly fabulous this way!?

This week has been another big one at work… 7 full shifts, and 3 of those were night shifts. I have to tell you, they have not gotten better or easier! The lack of sleep and changes to the circadian rhythm’s are brutal, and some of the traumas I have seen this week have been really really hard, but I’m surviving and I am thrilled to say that from next week my roster is changing. Happily -and very lucky for me and my perseverance, I am able to swap to a part time role. It will mean a cut in my pay, but honestly, the extra days off are worth so much more to me than anything else.

I was able to finish this week with a really sensational weekend away with some of my widowed friends. One of my friends offered to pick me up and drive me – something I very happily accepted after Night Shift, and off we went. We went to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show down at the Gold Coast. Those of you that know me particularly well will know that I don’t really do movies (even the ones that ‘everyone’ has seen!) and wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Rocky Horror is not one I have seen before. This was all new territory for me! .. I loved it!

I loved that people got dressed up as the characters, and that the true aficionados knew all the lines and played along with the actors! It was a whole lot of fun and I’m really glad I went, but I have to say that it was not actually the highlight of the weekend for me! My favourite part of this weekend happened after the show, when we went into the casino for a drink and a dance.

Four of us were standing between the bar and the dance floor chatting and people watching, when a friendly looking man in a funky bucket hat walked past me holding a blow up doll – no, not that kind! The doll was just a bit bigger than a soft drink bottle and had someone’s face printed in it. As he walked past I asked him “whose your mate?”. He stopped, and told us the most lovely story…

There is a whole group of guys from Sydney who celebrate the end of soccer season every year (some of them have done this for 40 years) by coming up to the Gold Coast for a Boys Weekend. It’s all planned out with a golf day, a race day and a pool and relax day. One of their mates Bob (not his actual name, as he has not given me permission to use it) , was supposed to come, but couldn’t because he was in hospital having cancer surgery. They decided that the trip would not be the same without Bob, so it was his face on the blow up doll. They spent the weekend with Bob taking all sorts of photos, in all kinds of scenarios with all kinds of people, and sending them to him in hospital to cheer him up, something that we all thought was such a nice thing to do.

We got talking, and mentioned our story – that we are all widows and that Bob had landed in a safe space with us. We had the most fun night chatting and dancing and introducing our new friend Bob to anyone else that walked past us. It was such a lovely and thoughtful thing for these guys to do and it was an awesome way to talk with new and interesting people (note to self, if you want an easy and fun night out, bring a prop to encourage conversation!)

The widow conversation was also interesting. It feels like people are often surprised when we go out as a group and it becomes known that we have all lost someone so significant to us. People just don’t know what to say, and there is almost a sense of confusion that we should be laughing and having a good time. I think a lot of people still have an idea in their heads that Widows should be dressed in black and sit at home being sad. That’s not how it works, and we all know that that is not what our people would want for us. I’m pretty sure that Claytie would be disappointed in me if I shut myself away and didn’t live my life fully.

I keep that thought in the back of my head all the time, and try to make the most of the things that life throws my way. This weekend is a perfect example of that! Cocktails by the pool, a fabulous stage show to watch, a swim in the ocean, fresh prawns by the beach, and awesome people for company. It’s hard not to be grateful for that.

Obviously I miss Claytie and wish that he was the one doing all of these things with me, but I am so glad that I have people (both friends who knew Claytie and my new widowed friends) who are happy to embrace the idea of living life to the full and making new memories. With the upcoming change to my roster, and having more days off I am looking forward to adding to my adventures and seeing what life sends my way next.

This week has felt long and hard. It started with a birthday party for someone who has been a friend for a long time. It was a milestone birthday for her, and it was nice to be invited; probably for me it would have been nicer not to go, but I am also glad that I did. Since Claytie died, our friendship, and that of the group, has changed. We’ve drifted apart following an incident that happened early on, and it has been a hard thing to hold onto.

It is no one’s fault, all sides have some blame. They did something hurtful, and perhaps I over reacted, but it has had a massive impact on my world – I lost a whole group of friends and have not seen most of them for about 2 years. They did not speak to me at the party, in fact they did not look my way at all. It was a whole new level of awkward for me and I have to admit to being hurt by it, but it has also confirmed for me that perhaps I valued the friendship differently to them. I know now that there is no point thinking that things will change, and that is ok. It is a chapter that I can now absolutely close.

I also found out this week that another good friend and her family have received the most awful news. They have an enormous fight in front of them and my heart hurts for them. We have been friends on and off since our oldest boys were in pre school together. We lost touch for a little while, but they have been amazing since Claytie died. We don’t see each other all that much, but we message and check in with each other often, and when we do catch up it’s like no time has passed. They have already fought one enormous battle, and this time is worse. It is hard knowing that I can’t do anything to make it better, it’s a shit show and I’m sad that this is what they have to go through.

In the middle of all of that, and central to everything is missing Claytie. I’ve missed his advice, and his black and white outlook on life. I’ve missed hearing ‘it is what it is’ and arguing that it is ok to be sad. I’ve missed being able to cry on his shoulder, and the hugs that would come with it. I’ve missed having him in my corner and not having to question that. I’ve missed him. I miss him all the time and that feeling is always worse when it’s been a hard week.

Sometimes, a good long cry is exactly what you need to clear out all the hurt, and so that was me last night. I had a pity party for one. No one was at home and I was feeling sad, lonely and miserable. It was pjs and a cuppa in bed at about 5.30, and an onslaught of tears for myself and for all the hurt this week. I think I feel better for it in a lot of ways. I try not to let myself go there too often… it would be an easy place to stay, but every so often it helps.

I’m ok and I know that I will be ok. These bumps are all part of navigating life. I will do everything I can to help and support my friends in their fight, and send all the light and love their way. I’m grateful that I have fabulous people in my corner and that I have this outlet to voice my thoughts. I’m lucky, and I don’t ever forget that.

How nasty is a holiday hangover!? The catching up on washing, groceries and other chores and the back to work anxiety! The wanting to stay on vacation forever… That’s been me for the last couple of days after a fabulous break in Tasmania.

I had five days off on my roster – the joys of shift work means that every so often there is a bigger break built in. I was determined to do something spectacular with it this time, and my visit to Tasmania was exactly that! What an absolutely stunning place. The scenery is spectacularly beautiful, and for someone like me who loves the beach, there is an amazing coastline never far away!

One of my girlfriends was able to take time off and come with me – it was nice having the company, and also made for a more affordable holiday sharing the cost of accomodation and car hire. We started the break with a concert on Friday night. I had been wanting to see Postmodern Jukebox for a super long time, and they did not disappoint! The show was fabulous. If you’ve not heard of them before, do yourself a favour and look them up, they are great!

We had a super early flight booked for Saturday, and arrived in Hobart mid morning. Our accomodation for the first couple of nights was the very quaint and quirky Customs House Hotel. Upstairs and downstairs, around all kinds of corners was our very spacious and comfortable room; across the road from the harbour, and a very short walk from the Salamanca Markets it was a perfect spot for us, and we made the most of it! In the two days that we spent in Hobart, we packed in a visit to the markets, a harbour cruise, a hike on Mount Wellington and of course MONA, the most fabulous art gallery/museum that I have ever been to.

Next stop, with some detours to other spectacular places, was the historic and beautiful Port Arthur. It felt like a must see place to visit, and was an incredibly interesting piece of our history. I have to confess to being a little bit disappointed tho in how sanitised it all was, I had expected to feel the weight of so much history – both old and more recent, much more than I did. It was lovely, and I’m glad I went, but I’m not sure it is somewhere I would chose to see again.

An unplanned stop on our way to Freycinet National Park, was the blowhole at Eaglehawk Neck. It was a stunning detour to make and I am so happy we found. It was incredibly beautiful and very very quiet, with no other tourists around. The sky was overcast, and the wind was blowing… my favourite kind of day and perfect for a stop on a rugged bit of coastline.

The drive to Coles Bay in the Freycinet National park ended up being a little bit hair raising…. We were a later than we had anticipated thanks to all the detours, and the road was more rustic (?… can one say that about a road?) than expected. Going through the mountains on an unpaved road, and in quite a thick fog made for an adventure that we probably weren’t quite prepared for! Thankfully my friend was happy to be the driver, because if it was me, we would still be driving! Our bed for the night was comfortable and old school – in a 1980’s kind of way! We only had the one night here, and didn’t get to see much of this part of Tassie, but it is definitely on the list of places to go back to.

Next stop on our tour was the absolutely spectacular – and probably my favourite part of the trip – Binalong Bay, or Bay of Fires as it is also known. What an insanely beautiful part of the world. Crystal clear turquoise water, white Sandy beaches and the most amazingly coloured rocks. Picture post card perfect… and the ideal place for a skinny dip – yes I did! Honestly, I could have stayed here for so much longer than the time we had… and it is also on the ‘return visit’ list!

Launceston was next the next, and last for this trip, place to visit. A beautiful drive through country roads, and a fabulous heritage listed hotel for the night. It was like taking a step back in time, and into another part of the world. The cold air and charming architecture made it feel quite European to me.. I loved it!

My friend and I set ourselves a challenge for our night in Launceston – find a fun place for dinner and interesting people to talk to. Lucky for us, we managed both! We found a beautiful Art-deco style restaurant with the cutest furniture and fixtures, all gold and velvet and luxury, and had a great chat with the chap at the next table to us. He is from Uruguay and was happy to have our company for dinner as he was on a trip for work. We covered all kinds of topics over our meal, and I feel like I have a new friend because of it.

Our final day saw us start the day with a visit to ‘Monkey park’, a beautiful garden in the city centre that randomly has a family of Japanese Macaque monkeys. kind of odd but fun! We also managed to visit Cataract Gorge and ride the chairlift across and then a hike to walk around and back down. It too was beautiful!

Five days was absolutely not long enough for the fabulousness that is Tasmania – but it was a great start, and I have a million more places to go and visit. I think it should be compulsory for us all to holiday in Australia. We live in the most beautiful country. There are so many fabulous places to visit and explore and I can’t wait to start planning the next trip!

The other day I was chatting to someone new to my world, and having seen my profile picture they asked me about ‘that photo’. The question was ‘what is it with you and no clothes facing into the unknown’, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

The first photo happened in Malaysia on the balcony of the 57th floor penthouse that my friend and I were staying in at the time. It was incredibly liberating, and happened more or less as a laugh. Since then tho for me, it has become almost a way of anchoring myself. It’s a F@&$ you to the world. It is a ‘come at me’ and an acknowledgement of my vulnerability, of the fact that in the big picture of life, I have absolutely no control over what happens but I’m here to fight for myself anyway.

So many things have happened and changed in my world since Claytie died. Nothing feels the same as it did, even though my brain tells me that all kinds of everyday things should. There is a huge disconnect between who I was and who I am now, and it’s a weird thing to navigate. Often I recognise parts of the old me, but the new me sees the world very differently in a million ways. That photo is not something I would have done – or even thought about doing before Claytie died; but I also feel like the person I am now has not come from nowhere – she must have been in there somewhere!?

There is a kind of recklessness in me now that is new. An acknowledgement that life is short and you have to live it big. It’s about experiences and memories, gratitude and enjoyment, an almost hedonistic outlook that grabs hold and pushes you out of your comfort zone. I have seen similar things in other widowed people that I have met since Claytie died, and while I have only known them without their person and can’t comment on who they were before, that same kind of wildness is in a lot of them now. I don’t know if it’s a ‘newly’ widowed thing!? I know for some people who have known me for a long time, some of my behaviours feel out of character; but for me they often feel like they were always there, but much less, and much more controlled.

I didn’t have to be ‘wild’, because I had Claytie there to balance me and to validate my feelings. I didn’t have to question who I was or what was expected of me, I could just be. It was something that I always took for granted without knowing that that is what it was, because I didn’t know anything different. Now I have to figure out who I am without him, and I think that is something that I will be doing for the rest of my life whether someone new comes into it or not.

I know for sure, in spite of the uncertainty of life that I will keep taking ‘that photo’. I like how it makes me feel. As for everything else, that’s a day by day thing I guess. If things feel good, I’ll have a go and if not then I will re-evaluate. What I do know is that there is no rule book for any of this stuff. Life and all that happen in it is messy. Some times it can be a happy mess and other times it’s an absolute shit show, all I can control is how I respond to it, and ‘that photo’ is one of those responses.

The other day I had a really nice outing with one of my boys. It was quite impromptu and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. At one point during the day, while I was taking about my 100th photo, he said to me ‘God mum, you are such a tourist! Why do you always have to take soo many photos – you’re like a tourist in your own life!’

That phrase has really stuck with me since then, because it is actually right! I am a tourist in my own life, we all are. Each day is a new part of the adventure, and comes with all kinds of risks. There is always something to learn and new things to try.

I certainly don’t know what is coming next for me in a big picture sense – none of us do! I can tell you that I have had some sensational moments and experiences; and I can tell you that not all of the parts of my trip so far have been fabulous. I have had the highest highs and I have had to get through some of the hardest things imaginable, but I guess every adventure has to have drama and suspense and things that make you cry. It has to have relationships, friendships, romance and fun… I’ve certainly had those! There needs be be lows to appreciate the highs. You need main characters – obviously in this/my adventure I am the hero, and you need a supporting cast – that’s you guys!

Since Claytie died, I am much much more aware that I have to be an active participant in my life. I can have a say in the directions I chose and I don’t just have to let things happen. It’s a kind of chose your own adventure thing that has some inevitable big, hard, sad stuff in it. Obviously they are the things that I can’t control, but I can chose how I fill the rest of my story in and I can choose how I feel about it.

For me, playing the tourist in my own life means that I know life is short and I am going to take advantage of every minute I get to have, while enjoying the ride. It means that I am going to take a million photos to remind me of the moments. It means that I am going to say yes to things that take me out of my comfort zone; and it means that I am going to find joy and gratefulness for the people and things in my life that make me smile.

So, in the spirit of living each day and having adventures, this week a friend and I are heading to Tasmania for 5 days. Claytie and I had talked about going after our fabulous trip to Germany and Dubai in 2019, but then 2020 happened and our world changed forever. I am determined that I will continue to do the things we had talked about, and add more to the list. Claytie may not be with me in person anymore, but I know that he is absolutely there in spirit cheering me on. I am looking forward to being an actual tourist this week, both in my life and in Tassie x

I want to start this week with acknowledging something that for me is huge! This post is blog number 100!!! I couldn’t have imagined that this thing , something that started so randomly with no idea of where it would go, would be what it now is. Thank you so so much for dipping into my world each week and letting me ‘word vomit’ the things that swirl around in my brain. I am so very grateful to have found this outlet and for the support that you give me. I know that without you, and this, things for me would probably look very different! Thank you! xx

This week has been a weird one for me. There has been a bunch of anxiety floating around for me, but that is a ‘camp crash’ I have been prepared for. I’ve been needing a whole lot of me time, and I have spent a lot of that in bed reading. Part of me feels a little bit guilty for that, I have a million things I should be doing, but I know I have needed to do that for myself.

I was talking to someone about grief this week, after I mentioned that I had been to ‘widow camp’ last week. She was telling me about trying to support a friend of hers who’s mum had died. Initially the conversation was going as you would expect – comments about not being able to imagine that kind of pain, and not knowing what they would do in such a situation; and then it took a turn I had not expected. The person said that she was finding it more and more difficult to be there for her friend, because the friend was now so different, and she didn’t much like the person her friend now was.

I was shocked. I tried to explain that her friend would never, and could never be the same because she had lost a fundamental piece of who she was. I am thankfully not in a position of grieving for a parent, but I imagine it would be similar to losing a partner and I know what that has done to me. The person who you are grieving has been such an intrinsic part of your life, you almost have no memories without them, and it seems inconceivable that you could ever be the same without them.

I know for me that I have struggled immensely without Claytie, trying to figure out who I am as me now. I can tell you that sometimes it is difficult to recognise yourself in this process, because there is so much to work out! You catch glimpses of who you used to be, but they are distorted by the you that now exists. For me, I feel like I have had to learn a whole new way of being an adult – I haven’t ever had to be one without Claytie by my side. I’m a different person as a parent without my other half too. I am a whole new person with a very different outlook on the world. It is inevitable that not all of that process of figuring yourself out will be smooth sailing – it hasn’t been. But to think that one of the reasons people walk away from you is because of that, because you no longer fit their idea of you, was kind of hard to hear.

I don’t know the person I was having this conversation with particularly well, and I certainly don’t know her friend, but it is easy to put her thought process across to the people who once were part of my world. I know that I now speak from a place of much greater understanding of grieving a huge loss, and I can’t and won’t apologise for doing what I need to do to get through it. Part of me feels sorry for those people that took the easy way out of my life – you’re missing out on this version of me, and I’m pretty proud of her! I’m sorry that for you I’ve become ‘too hard’, but just for one tiny minute I’d like you to put yourself into my shoes and look for some understanding. How could I possibly be who I was when I am missing the biggest part of my world!?

This life now is hard! Sooo much harder that I could ever have thought possible. My past is now filled with bittersweet memories, and my future is a picture that I don’t recognise. All of the big moments in my life are tinged with sad, because the person that should be there isn’t. But you know what… I think I’m doing pretty bloody ok with what I have, and I’m going to keep on as I have been, putting one foot in front of the other and living life for both of us!

So this weekend, for the second time since Claytie died, I joined nearly 200 other people at Camp Widow. My kids will tell you that it sounds like the most miserable thing a person could do, but for me it has been a game changer!

Coming to camp this year has been a vastly different experience to last year. This year I stayed at the venue, last year I wasn’t brave enough. This year I have a heap of friends to support me, last year I didn’t know anyone. Last years conference sessions were picked randomly, this year I have really thought about what I needed and wanted from the experience. The presenters at the conference are also all widowed which adds impact to what they are teaching/talking about.

Through the First Light Widows Association and Camp, I have met the most amazing group of people. They are kindred spirits because they know how shit the grief journey is. Our stories are all different, but we have a huge thing in common, and that helps enormously. With these people, I can just be me… I’m not anything special because I’m widowed – we all are. We share our stories. We cry together, but more often we laugh! Huge big belly laughs. The humour is incredibly black and dirty, and sarcasm abounds. There a hugs to be had and given, and there is understanding. There is no judgement about tears or anger or any other emotion that comes out to play. Sometimes I give advice and sometimes I need advice. There is always someone to talk with.

This year I have also ‘inspired’ people (and I say that quite tongue in cheek!) .. a lot of people have seen THE photo that I do quite regularly – top off, arms up and wide, facing the world with a big fat F&@$ you…. Well this year at camp, several other widows wanted to be part of that. So after a chat with the official event photographer at the start of camp, he did mention having something else on that day but was easily persuaded when nudity was mentioned haha; 6am Sunday morning we trudged up to the roof top pool area and did our thing! It was nice to see how others enjoyed just how liberating it feels, and it was nice to have so many laughs about it. We are all different shapes and sizes, and yet we are all the same! .. I can’t wait to see the ‘offical’ pictures when they are sent through!

I know that I will have a crash after camp, they talk about it on day one. There are so many emotions to process – both my own and those of others, that it comes as no surprise that there would be an ‘after’. I can already feel it building, and I’m glad I have another couple of days before I go back to work, but the price to pay is well worth it. There have been so many positives for me with both coming to camp and finding this kindred group of people.

What camp has shown me is that the grief doesn’t actually get better, Im just getting better at it. I know when the feelings build what I need to do to get through that moment. I know that whatever I am feeling is ok and part of the process, and I know that it is and will be ok… and if I’m not quite so OK I have a whole community who will lift me through it.