Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

The other day I had a really nice outing with one of my boys. It was quite impromptu and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. At one point during the day, while I was taking about my 100th photo, he said to me ‘God mum, you are such a tourist! Why do you always have to take soo many photos – you’re like a tourist in your own life!’

That phrase has really stuck with me since then, because it is actually right! I am a tourist in my own life, we all are. Each day is a new part of the adventure, and comes with all kinds of risks. There is always something to learn and new things to try.

I certainly don’t know what is coming next for me in a big picture sense – none of us do! I can tell you that I have had some sensational moments and experiences; and I can tell you that not all of the parts of my trip so far have been fabulous. I have had the highest highs and I have had to get through some of the hardest things imaginable, but I guess every adventure has to have drama and suspense and things that make you cry. It has to have relationships, friendships, romance and fun… I’ve certainly had those! There needs be be lows to appreciate the highs. You need main characters – obviously in this/my adventure I am the hero, and you need a supporting cast – that’s you guys!

Since Claytie died, I am much much more aware that I have to be an active participant in my life. I can have a say in the directions I chose and I don’t just have to let things happen. It’s a kind of chose your own adventure thing that has some inevitable big, hard, sad stuff in it. Obviously they are the things that I can’t control, but I can chose how I fill the rest of my story in and I can choose how I feel about it.

For me, playing the tourist in my own life means that I know life is short and I am going to take advantage of every minute I get to have, while enjoying the ride. It means that I am going to take a million photos to remind me of the moments. It means that I am going to say yes to things that take me out of my comfort zone; and it means that I am going to find joy and gratefulness for the people and things in my life that make me smile.

So, in the spirit of living each day and having adventures, this week a friend and I are heading to Tasmania for 5 days. Claytie and I had talked about going after our fabulous trip to Germany and Dubai in 2019, but then 2020 happened and our world changed forever. I am determined that I will continue to do the things we had talked about, and add more to the list. Claytie may not be with me in person anymore, but I know that he is absolutely there in spirit cheering me on. I am looking forward to being an actual tourist this week, both in my life and in Tassie x

I want to start this week with acknowledging something that for me is huge! This post is blog number 100!!! I couldn’t have imagined that this thing , something that started so randomly with no idea of where it would go, would be what it now is. Thank you so so much for dipping into my world each week and letting me ‘word vomit’ the things that swirl around in my brain. I am so very grateful to have found this outlet and for the support that you give me. I know that without you, and this, things for me would probably look very different! Thank you! xx

This week has been a weird one for me. There has been a bunch of anxiety floating around for me, but that is a ‘camp crash’ I have been prepared for. I’ve been needing a whole lot of me time, and I have spent a lot of that in bed reading. Part of me feels a little bit guilty for that, I have a million things I should be doing, but I know I have needed to do that for myself.

I was talking to someone about grief this week, after I mentioned that I had been to ‘widow camp’ last week. She was telling me about trying to support a friend of hers who’s mum had died. Initially the conversation was going as you would expect – comments about not being able to imagine that kind of pain, and not knowing what they would do in such a situation; and then it took a turn I had not expected. The person said that she was finding it more and more difficult to be there for her friend, because the friend was now so different, and she didn’t much like the person her friend now was.

I was shocked. I tried to explain that her friend would never, and could never be the same because she had lost a fundamental piece of who she was. I am thankfully not in a position of grieving for a parent, but I imagine it would be similar to losing a partner and I know what that has done to me. The person who you are grieving has been such an intrinsic part of your life, you almost have no memories without them, and it seems inconceivable that you could ever be the same without them.

I know for me that I have struggled immensely without Claytie, trying to figure out who I am as me now. I can tell you that sometimes it is difficult to recognise yourself in this process, because there is so much to work out! You catch glimpses of who you used to be, but they are distorted by the you that now exists. For me, I feel like I have had to learn a whole new way of being an adult – I haven’t ever had to be one without Claytie by my side. I’m a different person as a parent without my other half too. I am a whole new person with a very different outlook on the world. It is inevitable that not all of that process of figuring yourself out will be smooth sailing – it hasn’t been. But to think that one of the reasons people walk away from you is because of that, because you no longer fit their idea of you, was kind of hard to hear.

I don’t know the person I was having this conversation with particularly well, and I certainly don’t know her friend, but it is easy to put her thought process across to the people who once were part of my world. I know that I now speak from a place of much greater understanding of grieving a huge loss, and I can’t and won’t apologise for doing what I need to do to get through it. Part of me feels sorry for those people that took the easy way out of my life – you’re missing out on this version of me, and I’m pretty proud of her! I’m sorry that for you I’ve become ‘too hard’, but just for one tiny minute I’d like you to put yourself into my shoes and look for some understanding. How could I possibly be who I was when I am missing the biggest part of my world!?

This life now is hard! Sooo much harder that I could ever have thought possible. My past is now filled with bittersweet memories, and my future is a picture that I don’t recognise. All of the big moments in my life are tinged with sad, because the person that should be there isn’t. But you know what… I think I’m doing pretty bloody ok with what I have, and I’m going to keep on as I have been, putting one foot in front of the other and living life for both of us!

So this weekend, for the second time since Claytie died, I joined nearly 200 other people at Camp Widow. My kids will tell you that it sounds like the most miserable thing a person could do, but for me it has been a game changer!

Coming to camp this year has been a vastly different experience to last year. This year I stayed at the venue, last year I wasn’t brave enough. This year I have a heap of friends to support me, last year I didn’t know anyone. Last years conference sessions were picked randomly, this year I have really thought about what I needed and wanted from the experience. The presenters at the conference are also all widowed which adds impact to what they are teaching/talking about.

Through the First Light Widows Association and Camp, I have met the most amazing group of people. They are kindred spirits because they know how shit the grief journey is. Our stories are all different, but we have a huge thing in common, and that helps enormously. With these people, I can just be me… I’m not anything special because I’m widowed – we all are. We share our stories. We cry together, but more often we laugh! Huge big belly laughs. The humour is incredibly black and dirty, and sarcasm abounds. There a hugs to be had and given, and there is understanding. There is no judgement about tears or anger or any other emotion that comes out to play. Sometimes I give advice and sometimes I need advice. There is always someone to talk with.

This year I have also ‘inspired’ people (and I say that quite tongue in cheek!) .. a lot of people have seen THE photo that I do quite regularly – top off, arms up and wide, facing the world with a big fat F&@$ you…. Well this year at camp, several other widows wanted to be part of that. So after a chat with the official event photographer at the start of camp, he did mention having something else on that day but was easily persuaded when nudity was mentioned haha; 6am Sunday morning we trudged up to the roof top pool area and did our thing! It was nice to see how others enjoyed just how liberating it feels, and it was nice to have so many laughs about it. We are all different shapes and sizes, and yet we are all the same! .. I can’t wait to see the ‘offical’ pictures when they are sent through!

I know that I will have a crash after camp, they talk about it on day one. There are so many emotions to process – both my own and those of others, that it comes as no surprise that there would be an ‘after’. I can already feel it building, and I’m glad I have another couple of days before I go back to work, but the price to pay is well worth it. There have been so many positives for me with both coming to camp and finding this kindred group of people.

What camp has shown me is that the grief doesn’t actually get better, Im just getting better at it. I know when the feelings build what I need to do to get through that moment. I know that whatever I am feeling is ok and part of the process, and I know that it is and will be ok… and if I’m not quite so OK I have a whole community who will lift me through it.

This week was another of those ones with a hard date in it. Claytie should have turned 50. So not only a birthday, but a big milestone birthday at that. Everyday without him here hurts, but some days sting just a bit harder.

I spent most of his birthday at home by myself, wallowing really. The occasional teary moment thinking of how unfair it is that he isn’t here, and then pulling myself back together because that is who he was and what he would want. My job is to live my best life for both of us, so that is what I am trying to do.

I had a couple of lovely breakfasts out with fabulous people this week, and a drink and dinner sitting around a fire at a friends place on his birthday; but the very best thing I did was have an animal adventure with a friend. It has been on my list for a little while, and I figured this week would be the time to do it. A Sunday drive through some stunning scenery to the Darling Downs Zoo for the day.

I had seen signs for the zoo for a number of years doing the drive to Toowoomba to visit my sister, but had never really paid a whole lot of attention to it… until now. I asked a friend to come with me, and it was the easiest convincing that has ever happened, because as soon as I mentioned Meerkats she was in!

The drive in was a little bit longer and windier that either of us had expected – turn left at Gatton and drive for about another hour into the middle of nowhere. We thought perhaps I had the directions wrong, the signage was limited and did I mention the windy road… but eventually there it was – old school and charming!

The Zoo actually had a whole lot more animals that I had thought it would… lions, tigers, cheetahs and all kinds of monkeys, Marmosets, Capibarras and birds, even a pigmy hippo… and of course Meerkats! It has been there since 1985 and is a work in progress, with new enclosures being added or renovated. Almost all of the enclosures had some kind of ‘show’ on during the day – feeding the animals and education about them. It was lovely!

My friend and I had paid extra to have a Meerkat encounter, and honestly it was fabulous! There was only one other person in our group – an elderly lady who had received the encounter as a gift from her family. So at 12.30 the three of us met the keeper and were shuffled through two seperate sections into the enclosure.

We each perched on a log and were handed a cup of food (meal worms, melon and corn). The Meerkats absolutely knew what was happening and launched themselves right in! They were greedy and not at all shy! It was fabulous being able to pet them and ask their keeper a million questions. Our encounter was only for 15 minutes, but worth every penny spent! The Meerkats were fabulous and I did think long and hard about bringing a couple of them home with me, but figured my dogs probably wouldn’t forgive such a thing.

I’m so glad that I decided to take myself on an adventure for Clayties birthday, and I am even happier that my friend came with me! This is not necessarily something Claytie would have done, but he would absolutely have indulged me with it. Happy 50th birthday Bubby, from me and the Meerkats xx

So this week I did another kind of first for me… I went and had a little adventure on my own.

I got up early on one of my days off and took myself to watch the sun come up. That one was not something new. I do it often and I love it. The stillness of the morning, watching as people and wildlife start to wake up and move around. The glow on the horizon as the sun makes her way around, and then the glorious colours of the sky as she passes the horizon. It is a beautiful peaceful and contemplative way to start the day.

It is always my go to when I have a lot to think about, and at the moment I feel like there’s a whole lot going on in my brain. Not necessarily anything new, but just a bunch of stuff needing attention. We are still in the middle of big dates for us, and that takes a whole lot of emotion, The second guessing and analysing everything all of the time isn’t a whole lot of fun either, so being able to switch it off for a bit is always nice… and you really can’t complain about the view!

While I was sitting and enjoying the slow warming up, and the colours in the sky, I remembered a conversation I had recently had with a friend about a walk he did. He did it with some of his other friends, and the photos looked amazing. I have been wanting to do it for ages, and thought why not!? So off I toddled… another hour or so in the car into the hinterland (with a phone call to my mum so someone would know where I was!) I’m not great at taking in scenery when I’m driving – too busy focusing on the road in front of me, but the bits that I did see were beautiful, and if there had been places to stop (or less traffic) I would have spent a whole lot more time admiring the scenery.

I managed to get to my destination without too much hassle – probably another first because I am shocking with directions, fight with my gps all the time and don’t really enjoy driving! But I made it! Because it was still really early, there was not another person around, no other cars in the car park, and lots of shadowy places, my big girl pants were needed to get me out of the car, but I did it… totally on my own!

The walk I chose is not the longest, but that was ok. It was beautiful! Massive trees and moss covered rocks, a sound track of bird noises and the rushing of water over the rocky creek bed. A path that was lovely to walk on, with steps and viewing platforms at regular intervals. It was a proper feast for the eyes – although a little bit weird with no other people anywhere. I did as I do, and took about a million photos, it was stunning!

I did the loop, and got back in the car with the idea of heading home. My sense of direction (or lack the of) sent me the opposite way to how I had come, which added to the adventure. A beautiful road, tree lined on both sides that then opened up to a stunning hinterland vista. Honestly, so beautiful! A drive through the country side toward Murwulimbah and then back onto the more familiar highway.

It was so so beautiful…. And honestly one of the hardest and loneliest things I have ever done. I should have loved it – and I did in part, but not having someone to share it with actually brought home again just how hard losing your person really is. It would have been the most perfect day to share with someone, instead it was kind of miserable. Music playing in the background is a pretty poor substitute for the conversations I would have loved to have had.

Part of me is glad that I did it… I now know that I can, and that I will be ok. The other part of me just wants to (and did) cry at the loneliness. I can’t say that I won’t do it again, I want to do and see ALL the things. I want to travel and have adventures and live my very best life; but I am way too much of a people person to enjoy being on my own for things like this… so, if you’re off on an adventure, and you want some company, keep me in mind! … and if you want to go for a hike in nature and see a beautiful waterfall, I’ve been to one that I can show you – assuming I can find my way back there!

This week has been an absolute rollercoaster for me. Clayties anniversary was Thursday. It was hard. It will always be hard. The sad doesn’t really go away at all, but I spoke about that last week. I want to focus on the fun things and fabulous people that made some happy memories for me around the sad and the hard.

On Wednesday after work, I drove 2 hours south to one of our favourite places. The thought of doing it had a smile on my face most of the week, and I could feel myself relaxing with ever kilometer driven. Even the diabolical traffic couldn’t spoil it for me. On my arrival, I was greeted with warm hugs and cold drinks, and the most stunning view. A quick walk into town and a most delicious dinner finished the evening.

On Thursday I woke up early and walked up the headland to sit on a cliff and watch the sun come up. It was a spectacular morning, and exactly the right thing to do. I sat on my own, watching the sun come up and the whales frolicking; contemplating the last 12 months and all of the things we have been through without Claytie. It’s been a lot. I’m really proud of the boys and I, and how well we are managing with most things. None of it has been easy, and the feelings of loss haven’t changed at all, but we are finding a balance and we are getting through each day.

Once the sun was up, and the tears dried, my fabulous host made me brekky and a cup of tea. We went for a swim in the ocean. It was just as cold as expected, and made the sun baking and conversation on the beach afterwards even more of a treat. It was honestly the most perfect way to spend the morning, and I feel very spoilt for being looked after so well!

Home at lunchtime and a surprise visit from one of Clayties oldest school friends. He has been a regular visitor to our home most years, but we’ve missed a few with Covid and restricted travel for him – he lives in Hong Kong. He has a lovely relationship with all of the boys, and they are incredibly fond of him. His timing for a visit was perfect.

We had our now traditional family dinner – ‘Catfood casserole’ (aka tuna Mornay), something that Claytie would offer to cook anytime he and I were cross with each other because he knew I hated it, but wouldn’t say no to him cooking. It was, and still is incredibly passive aggressive, and feels right for his anniversary. We drank some iced coffee, scratched scratchies and remembered him. Having the grand-squish there was a bonus!

I finished the week with a Widow support group dinner on Friday. The group catch up was perfectly timed for me this week, and the support just right – as always! Some karaoke and a swing around the dance floor with. Flamboyant new friend finished the night with a whole lot of laughing. I was told that I was gorgeous, and when my reply to that was ‘thank you’, I was told by him, that I needed to tell my dance partner just how handsome and fabulous he was… and he was!

I am so glad that I was able to, and that I allowed myself to have the fun moments. They take some of the sting out of the hard and make me smile. I know that Claytie would have enjoyed the moments as much as I did – maybe not the singing and dancing so much, but certainly everything else! I’m lucky to have so many amazing people that help x

I wasn’t really sure what to write about this week, but here goes… We are in the middle of our big, hard dates – this week makes 3 years since our world changed completely. It would be a simple thing to just get stuck in the grief that brought us. The truth is, that while these big dates do sting and take over everything in a way that is hard to describe, everyday is a hard day without Claytie.

I like to think that he would be proud of all the things that we have overcome since he died. I know that there are a lot of things that he would have a lot to say about – I can just about hear him saying them! I hope he would be smiling at how well we are all doing, and the way the boys and I have pulled together in the last 3 years. I know he would be our biggest cheerleader and so chuffed with his kids and the phenomenal people that they are, and he would absolutely be the very best grandpa to the squishy one.

I am never going to not miss Claytie. He was someone that made an impact, and that impact was felt by everyone who knew him. He was a genuinely fabulous human. It would be really easy for me to slip into a place of ‘why me’ and feel incredibly sad for having lost such an amazing person, but that really wouldn’t be doing anything to honour him. I know how pissed off he would be if I let myself be a victim in all of this. I can hear him saying (louder now than ever before) ‘it is what it is, and you just have to get on with things’.

None of this has been easy. Missing Claytie has been like a blanket thrown over everything else that life has thrown at us, and it feels like there has been a lot; but really, that is life! Everyone has things going on that are challenging, we are no different. Sure there are plenty of down days for me, and I am not taking anything away from them. They are just as important as the happy days, but I am choosing to hang on to the memories that bring me joy and make me smile, and I am doing that because that is who Claytie was.

We had so many adventures and happy times, and they absolutely outnumber anything negative. I am so very happy that I got to have him in my world for as long as I did, and that my kids have had the most awesome dad! So in the spirit of that, the boys and I are doing our very best to live life to the fullest. Certainly everything I do has a huge piece of Claytie attached to it. I am traveling and having adventures. I am meeting all kinds of people and doing a whole lot of the things that we had talked about. I am getting through each day finding things to be grateful for and I am always aware of how lucky I have been.

So this week I have had 4 days off in a row. A couple of them happened to fall on my rostered days off and the others were taken deliberately because of my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 28 years married, and I know from previous years just how hard that day is. In so many ways it is almost the hardest of all our hard days for me, and I just didn’t want to be at work for it. It has felt like a million things have changed again in the last year and I wanted time to be able to process some of that.

I didn’t actually have a whole lot of things planned for my days off, other than just taking it easy, but thanks to a very lovely friend, I was able to have a fabulous adventure. I have known this friend for a whole lot of years, our kids went to school together. We have caught up on and off over the years and have recently reconnected. He is someone that actively lives his very best life and is always doing the most amazing things with the best stories to tell. I am envious of the lifestyle he has, it is how I would love to live my life too, but I have not been brave enough yet to try. He has been promising to take me to the beach to camp out in his van and to watch the sun come up for ages and the opportunity for that came up this week.

One thing that I had actually decided to do last week was to go whale watching again. I love it! Being a tiny spec in the vastness of the ocean and seeing nature doing her thing – it’s a kind of magic like no other! I bought a spare ticket because it is always more fun doing things with someone rather than being alone and took a chance to ask my friend. Happily for me, he agreed to come and also suggested packing a bag in case we felt like staying away and I am so glad I did!

The whale watching trip this time was the best one yet – my seventh time doing it too! (Let me know if you want to come and do it with me, I’ll go at least one more time before the season is over!) We managed to find an incredibly playful pod of whales pretty early into the trip and were privileged to watch them play. The number of breaches out of the water were spectacular, and just when we thought they had enough of us they would do it again. The weather was sensational and the water was lovely and calm… we couldn’t have asked for anything more!

Following on from the whale watching, we headed down the coast to Elephant rock for a seafood lunch and then Flat rock for a swim. Neither of these places are ones I had been to before, but will definitely visit again! The water was icy cold but the swim was totally worth it! Although according to my friend I should have gone a lot further out and put my head under the water! Brrrrrr. A quick dry off and a nap in the sun and then down to Brunswick heads for a night of music at the pub and a sleep out in the van!

Day two saw us up super early to watch the sun rise – one of my very favourite things to do, and it absolutely did not disappoint! The colours were spectacular in a crystal clear sky. What a glorious way to start the day! Brekky at a cute cafe and then onto the next adventure. A drive down through Byron Bay, Broken head and then a stop at White Bay.

It took a very steep descent down a narrow dirt track before we realised we’d taken a wrong turn, so back to the top we went – I thought I was going to keel over. It turns out I am not very fit at all, something I will be working to change! A quick rest and reset and off we went again. Another steep descent, but this time down a more well worn path and then the most amazing vista opening up in front of us.

We sat in the sunshine, had a swim and watched whales and dolphins not too far from shore, with our picnic of chips and strawberries. It was a truly sensational way to spend the morning and well worth the wrong turn! A long climb back to the top before we decided that a tour of the countryside would finish the adventure. Off we went through Lismore, Kyogle, and Boonah to a fabulous pub (owned by friends of my friend) for an evening of fun conversation, dinner and dancing!

Up early for brekky the next morning, and some more scenic driving to come home…. And then back to reality, and for me the emotional crash of my wedding anniversary.

I will always miss Claytie, and I honestly don’t think that will lessen at all, ever. What I do know, and keep telling myself, is that he would be the first person to push me to keep on living my best life. This week has felt like I did some of that. Most of the time it is hard to get my mind around Claytie being gone. I still expect him to come home anytime now. That has not become any easier in the three years since he died. Often I feel as though I have a split personality, I can be happy having adventures one minute and then missing him and crying the next.

I’m so glad that the person I was with seems to understand and accept that. I’m super grateful that I had the opportunity to take my mind off the sadness for a little while, and Im hoping that I get to have other adventures down the track! Since I have come home I have been madly researching vans and thinking of all the other amazing places I could see and adventures I could have! A big thank you to my friend for indulging me and letting me tag along x

This week has been a busy one, and I’m bloody pretty tired if I am being honest! I was rostered to work 8 days straight (two left to go), and while they are all day shifts, it is still a whole lot at once. I have also had some lovely things on after work that have added to the busy and the tiredness. I should probably slow down and do less stuff, but at the moment I also don’t want to miss out on having adventures! I’m pretty sure there is another crash coming (and soon) but for now I’m pushing through.

It’s a funny thing feeling like I don’t want to miss out on anything, and then being somehow disconnected from the things that I am doing, because I’m exhausted from trying to maintain those positive feelings. It is not that I don’t want to feel the negatives, I know they are important too, but they take up so much space. They are enormous and everywhere and they tend to take over. They feel relentless, but staying positive takes a whole lot of work. Doing all the things that I am doing is a big part of that whole fake it til you make it thing. I don’t want to sit in my sadness all the time… I do it plenty – and more at the moment as we come up to our big yucky dates.

Next week will be my third wedding anniversary since Claytie died. Two weeks after that is his anniversary, and two weeks after that will be his birthday. That too is a lot all at once! This year all of those things will be quite different for us given that some very significant family relationships changed at Christmas. Life is what it is, and things change and move on, but some things sting more than others. One of the boys will also be away for Clayties anniversary this year and will most likely spend the day on his own. That hurts too!

Theses days, for the most part, I feel like I am much more attuned to my feelings. I know that I won’t be a whole lot of good on those dates and I have made sure that I won’t be working. Someone suggested changing some of what we do this year, given the things that are already different, but I don’t feel ready for that. I want to sit with my feelings on those dates. I want to eat ‘catfood casserole’ with the boys and talk about him. I miss Claytie every minute of every day anyway. Significant dates don’t change those feelings I know that, but it does feel important to sit with them then. That might change at some stage, but for now it feels right.

I’ve just had a lovely dinner with all of my kids, and my Squish (as I call my fabulously delightful grandson) and that has been just the right thing to finish the week, and I do have some lovely things planned for the days that I have off this week. For now I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and riding the rollercoaster that all of this is. There really isn’t a whole lot else that I can do.