Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So this week I did another kind of first for me… I went and had a little adventure on my own.

I got up early on one of my days off and took myself to watch the sun come up. That one was not something new. I do it often and I love it. The stillness of the morning, watching as people and wildlife start to wake up and move around. The glow on the horizon as the sun makes her way around, and then the glorious colours of the sky as she passes the horizon. It is a beautiful peaceful and contemplative way to start the day.

It is always my go to when I have a lot to think about, and at the moment I feel like there’s a whole lot going on in my brain. Not necessarily anything new, but just a bunch of stuff needing attention. We are still in the middle of big dates for us, and that takes a whole lot of emotion, The second guessing and analysing everything all of the time isn’t a whole lot of fun either, so being able to switch it off for a bit is always nice… and you really can’t complain about the view!

While I was sitting and enjoying the slow warming up, and the colours in the sky, I remembered a conversation I had recently had with a friend about a walk he did. He did it with some of his other friends, and the photos looked amazing. I have been wanting to do it for ages, and thought why not!? So off I toddled… another hour or so in the car into the hinterland (with a phone call to my mum so someone would know where I was!) I’m not great at taking in scenery when I’m driving – too busy focusing on the road in front of me, but the bits that I did see were beautiful, and if there had been places to stop (or less traffic) I would have spent a whole lot more time admiring the scenery.

I managed to get to my destination without too much hassle – probably another first because I am shocking with directions, fight with my gps all the time and don’t really enjoy driving! But I made it! Because it was still really early, there was not another person around, no other cars in the car park, and lots of shadowy places, my big girl pants were needed to get me out of the car, but I did it… totally on my own!

The walk I chose is not the longest, but that was ok. It was beautiful! Massive trees and moss covered rocks, a sound track of bird noises and the rushing of water over the rocky creek bed. A path that was lovely to walk on, with steps and viewing platforms at regular intervals. It was a proper feast for the eyes – although a little bit weird with no other people anywhere. I did as I do, and took about a million photos, it was stunning!

I did the loop, and got back in the car with the idea of heading home. My sense of direction (or lack the of) sent me the opposite way to how I had come, which added to the adventure. A beautiful road, tree lined on both sides that then opened up to a stunning hinterland vista. Honestly, so beautiful! A drive through the country side toward Murwulimbah and then back onto the more familiar highway.

It was so so beautiful…. And honestly one of the hardest and loneliest things I have ever done. I should have loved it – and I did in part, but not having someone to share it with actually brought home again just how hard losing your person really is. It would have been the most perfect day to share with someone, instead it was kind of miserable. Music playing in the background is a pretty poor substitute for the conversations I would have loved to have had.

Part of me is glad that I did it… I now know that I can, and that I will be ok. The other part of me just wants to (and did) cry at the loneliness. I can’t say that I won’t do it again, I want to do and see ALL the things. I want to travel and have adventures and live my very best life; but I am way too much of a people person to enjoy being on my own for things like this… so, if you’re off on an adventure, and you want some company, keep me in mind! … and if you want to go for a hike in nature and see a beautiful waterfall, I’ve been to one that I can show you – assuming I can find my way back there!

This week has been an absolute rollercoaster for me. Clayties anniversary was Thursday. It was hard. It will always be hard. The sad doesn’t really go away at all, but I spoke about that last week. I want to focus on the fun things and fabulous people that made some happy memories for me around the sad and the hard.

On Wednesday after work, I drove 2 hours south to one of our favourite places. The thought of doing it had a smile on my face most of the week, and I could feel myself relaxing with ever kilometer driven. Even the diabolical traffic couldn’t spoil it for me. On my arrival, I was greeted with warm hugs and cold drinks, and the most stunning view. A quick walk into town and a most delicious dinner finished the evening.

On Thursday I woke up early and walked up the headland to sit on a cliff and watch the sun come up. It was a spectacular morning, and exactly the right thing to do. I sat on my own, watching the sun come up and the whales frolicking; contemplating the last 12 months and all of the things we have been through without Claytie. It’s been a lot. I’m really proud of the boys and I, and how well we are managing with most things. None of it has been easy, and the feelings of loss haven’t changed at all, but we are finding a balance and we are getting through each day.

Once the sun was up, and the tears dried, my fabulous host made me brekky and a cup of tea. We went for a swim in the ocean. It was just as cold as expected, and made the sun baking and conversation on the beach afterwards even more of a treat. It was honestly the most perfect way to spend the morning, and I feel very spoilt for being looked after so well!

Home at lunchtime and a surprise visit from one of Clayties oldest school friends. He has been a regular visitor to our home most years, but we’ve missed a few with Covid and restricted travel for him – he lives in Hong Kong. He has a lovely relationship with all of the boys, and they are incredibly fond of him. His timing for a visit was perfect.

We had our now traditional family dinner – ‘Catfood casserole’ (aka tuna Mornay), something that Claytie would offer to cook anytime he and I were cross with each other because he knew I hated it, but wouldn’t say no to him cooking. It was, and still is incredibly passive aggressive, and feels right for his anniversary. We drank some iced coffee, scratched scratchies and remembered him. Having the grand-squish there was a bonus!

I finished the week with a Widow support group dinner on Friday. The group catch up was perfectly timed for me this week, and the support just right – as always! Some karaoke and a swing around the dance floor with. Flamboyant new friend finished the night with a whole lot of laughing. I was told that I was gorgeous, and when my reply to that was ‘thank you’, I was told by him, that I needed to tell my dance partner just how handsome and fabulous he was… and he was!

I am so glad that I was able to, and that I allowed myself to have the fun moments. They take some of the sting out of the hard and make me smile. I know that Claytie would have enjoyed the moments as much as I did – maybe not the singing and dancing so much, but certainly everything else! I’m lucky to have so many amazing people that help x

I wasn’t really sure what to write about this week, but here goes… We are in the middle of our big, hard dates – this week makes 3 years since our world changed completely. It would be a simple thing to just get stuck in the grief that brought us. The truth is, that while these big dates do sting and take over everything in a way that is hard to describe, everyday is a hard day without Claytie.

I like to think that he would be proud of all the things that we have overcome since he died. I know that there are a lot of things that he would have a lot to say about – I can just about hear him saying them! I hope he would be smiling at how well we are all doing, and the way the boys and I have pulled together in the last 3 years. I know he would be our biggest cheerleader and so chuffed with his kids and the phenomenal people that they are, and he would absolutely be the very best grandpa to the squishy one.

I am never going to not miss Claytie. He was someone that made an impact, and that impact was felt by everyone who knew him. He was a genuinely fabulous human. It would be really easy for me to slip into a place of ‘why me’ and feel incredibly sad for having lost such an amazing person, but that really wouldn’t be doing anything to honour him. I know how pissed off he would be if I let myself be a victim in all of this. I can hear him saying (louder now than ever before) ‘it is what it is, and you just have to get on with things’.

None of this has been easy. Missing Claytie has been like a blanket thrown over everything else that life has thrown at us, and it feels like there has been a lot; but really, that is life! Everyone has things going on that are challenging, we are no different. Sure there are plenty of down days for me, and I am not taking anything away from them. They are just as important as the happy days, but I am choosing to hang on to the memories that bring me joy and make me smile, and I am doing that because that is who Claytie was.

We had so many adventures and happy times, and they absolutely outnumber anything negative. I am so very happy that I got to have him in my world for as long as I did, and that my kids have had the most awesome dad! So in the spirit of that, the boys and I are doing our very best to live life to the fullest. Certainly everything I do has a huge piece of Claytie attached to it. I am traveling and having adventures. I am meeting all kinds of people and doing a whole lot of the things that we had talked about. I am getting through each day finding things to be grateful for and I am always aware of how lucky I have been.

So this week I have had 4 days off in a row. A couple of them happened to fall on my rostered days off and the others were taken deliberately because of my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 28 years married, and I know from previous years just how hard that day is. In so many ways it is almost the hardest of all our hard days for me, and I just didn’t want to be at work for it. It has felt like a million things have changed again in the last year and I wanted time to be able to process some of that.

I didn’t actually have a whole lot of things planned for my days off, other than just taking it easy, but thanks to a very lovely friend, I was able to have a fabulous adventure. I have known this friend for a whole lot of years, our kids went to school together. We have caught up on and off over the years and have recently reconnected. He is someone that actively lives his very best life and is always doing the most amazing things with the best stories to tell. I am envious of the lifestyle he has, it is how I would love to live my life too, but I have not been brave enough yet to try. He has been promising to take me to the beach to camp out in his van and to watch the sun come up for ages and the opportunity for that came up this week.

One thing that I had actually decided to do last week was to go whale watching again. I love it! Being a tiny spec in the vastness of the ocean and seeing nature doing her thing – it’s a kind of magic like no other! I bought a spare ticket because it is always more fun doing things with someone rather than being alone and took a chance to ask my friend. Happily for me, he agreed to come and also suggested packing a bag in case we felt like staying away and I am so glad I did!

The whale watching trip this time was the best one yet – my seventh time doing it too! (Let me know if you want to come and do it with me, I’ll go at least one more time before the season is over!) We managed to find an incredibly playful pod of whales pretty early into the trip and were privileged to watch them play. The number of breaches out of the water were spectacular, and just when we thought they had enough of us they would do it again. The weather was sensational and the water was lovely and calm… we couldn’t have asked for anything more!

Following on from the whale watching, we headed down the coast to Elephant rock for a seafood lunch and then Flat rock for a swim. Neither of these places are ones I had been to before, but will definitely visit again! The water was icy cold but the swim was totally worth it! Although according to my friend I should have gone a lot further out and put my head under the water! Brrrrrr. A quick dry off and a nap in the sun and then down to Brunswick heads for a night of music at the pub and a sleep out in the van!

Day two saw us up super early to watch the sun rise – one of my very favourite things to do, and it absolutely did not disappoint! The colours were spectacular in a crystal clear sky. What a glorious way to start the day! Brekky at a cute cafe and then onto the next adventure. A drive down through Byron Bay, Broken head and then a stop at White Bay.

It took a very steep descent down a narrow dirt track before we realised we’d taken a wrong turn, so back to the top we went – I thought I was going to keel over. It turns out I am not very fit at all, something I will be working to change! A quick rest and reset and off we went again. Another steep descent, but this time down a more well worn path and then the most amazing vista opening up in front of us.

We sat in the sunshine, had a swim and watched whales and dolphins not too far from shore, with our picnic of chips and strawberries. It was a truly sensational way to spend the morning and well worth the wrong turn! A long climb back to the top before we decided that a tour of the countryside would finish the adventure. Off we went through Lismore, Kyogle, and Boonah to a fabulous pub (owned by friends of my friend) for an evening of fun conversation, dinner and dancing!

Up early for brekky the next morning, and some more scenic driving to come home…. And then back to reality, and for me the emotional crash of my wedding anniversary.

I will always miss Claytie, and I honestly don’t think that will lessen at all, ever. What I do know, and keep telling myself, is that he would be the first person to push me to keep on living my best life. This week has felt like I did some of that. Most of the time it is hard to get my mind around Claytie being gone. I still expect him to come home anytime now. That has not become any easier in the three years since he died. Often I feel as though I have a split personality, I can be happy having adventures one minute and then missing him and crying the next.

I’m so glad that the person I was with seems to understand and accept that. I’m super grateful that I had the opportunity to take my mind off the sadness for a little while, and Im hoping that I get to have other adventures down the track! Since I have come home I have been madly researching vans and thinking of all the other amazing places I could see and adventures I could have! A big thank you to my friend for indulging me and letting me tag along x

This week has been a busy one, and I’m bloody pretty tired if I am being honest! I was rostered to work 8 days straight (two left to go), and while they are all day shifts, it is still a whole lot at once. I have also had some lovely things on after work that have added to the busy and the tiredness. I should probably slow down and do less stuff, but at the moment I also don’t want to miss out on having adventures! I’m pretty sure there is another crash coming (and soon) but for now I’m pushing through.

It’s a funny thing feeling like I don’t want to miss out on anything, and then being somehow disconnected from the things that I am doing, because I’m exhausted from trying to maintain those positive feelings. It is not that I don’t want to feel the negatives, I know they are important too, but they take up so much space. They are enormous and everywhere and they tend to take over. They feel relentless, but staying positive takes a whole lot of work. Doing all the things that I am doing is a big part of that whole fake it til you make it thing. I don’t want to sit in my sadness all the time… I do it plenty – and more at the moment as we come up to our big yucky dates.

Next week will be my third wedding anniversary since Claytie died. Two weeks after that is his anniversary, and two weeks after that will be his birthday. That too is a lot all at once! This year all of those things will be quite different for us given that some very significant family relationships changed at Christmas. Life is what it is, and things change and move on, but some things sting more than others. One of the boys will also be away for Clayties anniversary this year and will most likely spend the day on his own. That hurts too!

Theses days, for the most part, I feel like I am much more attuned to my feelings. I know that I won’t be a whole lot of good on those dates and I have made sure that I won’t be working. Someone suggested changing some of what we do this year, given the things that are already different, but I don’t feel ready for that. I want to sit with my feelings on those dates. I want to eat ‘catfood casserole’ with the boys and talk about him. I miss Claytie every minute of every day anyway. Significant dates don’t change those feelings I know that, but it does feel important to sit with them then. That might change at some stage, but for now it feels right.

I’ve just had a lovely dinner with all of my kids, and my Squish (as I call my fabulously delightful grandson) and that has been just the right thing to finish the week, and I do have some lovely things planned for the days that I have off this week. For now I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and riding the rollercoaster that all of this is. There really isn’t a whole lot else that I can do.

I’m a bit late this week with writing this, life has been busy. I have had my second block of night shifts and I have to say it doesn’t really get easier. Everything is thrown out of kilter from the obvious lack of sleep right down to what and when you eat… and it takes a while to readjust… three days off does help with that tho!

I have been lucky this weekend. I got to spend some very happy time at the beach with a group of fabulous women, celebrating a birthday. I was a little bit hesitant about going away. Worrying about my mum was a big part of that, but also not knowing all of the people who were going to be there. Sometimes it takes me a while to get comfortable in a group, and I thought coming off Night Shift might have made that harder, but I have to say it was absolutely one of the best things to do! There was stacks of food and drinks, beach walks and markets, fresh air and sunshine, sunrise on a cliff and skinny dipping in the ice cold ocean. My cup is full, my energy has been recharged and my back is sunburnt… I feel fabulous!

My mum is doing amazingly well… we are all so impressed with just how she is recovering. I think we are (her included) all realising just how big of a deal this whole thing has been, and how lucky she – and the rest of us were. Claytie has been very much part of our thoughts through all of this, because we all know how it could have been! It has brought up a whole lot of what ifs… which is a game I hate! It doesn’t change anything and just makes everyone feel bad. We are lucky, and I am so grateful for that.

We are also coming up to our hell dates – my wedding anniversary, Clayties anniversary and then his birthday – all two weeks apart. I can feel the anxiety starting to build around all of those dates, which feels silly (?) in some ways. They are really just days on the calendar and don’t really make a whole lot of difference to how I think and feel about Claytie, and yet they carry with them, a whole lot of weight. I’m not sure that will ever change either! Someone at work the other day commented on their mother in law ‘still being sad’ 12 years after the death of her husband, and I thought to myself how lucky the speaker was to not know what that feels like. I know that I will never not be sad thinking about Claytie not being here with us.

I know he would say to me ‘it is what it is and there isn’t anything you can do about it’… and I am trying my best to take that on board. some days are easier to do that than others, but I think I’m doing ok. I have some fabulous people around me that help a whole lot, and some fun things coming up next week. I am grateful for what I have.

So I need to start this week with an update on my mum. She had her surgery after some delays (an ICU bed shortage meant we had to wait an extra day for her operation) and she is now doing as well as can be expected. Seeing her in Intensive care after the surgery was much more confronting than I had expected and tears happened (obviously!). It is a relief that the waiting for surgery is now over, it was a nervous thing for all of us, and an exercise is patience. Now that she is done, the doctors are pretty happy with her progress, but it will be a long road to recovery. Thank you so much for all the well wishes that came our way last week… you guys are the best!

The boys are feeling much better about Nannie too. Going and seeing her in hospital before the surgery did settle some of the ptsd, and the daily updates since are also helping. It’s been a huge thing for us and has brought back all kinds of traumatic memories from the day that Claytie died. Those memories are honestly never very far away, but we all have to find a way to live around them. This has been really hard, but we’re getting there.

It has absolutely been a very long week! Between work and hospital visits, I have no idea which day is which… tho that’s not always a bad thing! I did have a couple of days off in between and managed to tick a few things off my list – I had a couple of things to sort out with my unit to make it ready for a new tenant. A trip to ikea for some curtains ended up with new bed linen and a whole lot of candles – it’s a dangerous place!

Work is starting to feel more settled, although there are a couple of people who are still taking some of the shine off. I did raise some concerns with the boss and was told ‘that’s just who she is’. An explanation that covers a whole lot, but is also unsatisfactory. If you know someone is difficult and mean for the sake of it, surely that should be addressed rather than accepted!? … anyway, I need to park that for my own sanity and just be myself. I am loving most of what I do at work (soooo many stories!), so that is a bonus.

A high point for me this week was breakfast with a couple of very handsome chaps (you know who you are!), followed by an adventure drive in the countryside – thanks for your company, I had a lovely time! I also managed to get to trivia this week (shift work has impacted on that a little bit) and a very entertaining couple of hours at Karaoke with some of my favourite singers on stages finished the week.

Hopefully this next week is suitably uneventful. I have another stint of night shifts coming up which will be interesting, and I’m looking forward to a couple of days at the coast with friends at the end of the week all things going to plan. Ongoing hospital visits with my mum and trying to keep my anxiety at bay will fill in the rest of the time.

So this week has been the highest level shit show that we have had for a long time. My mum had a heart attack on Monday. She is ok, and will be better once she has some surgery to fix the bits that aren’t working, but we have all been massively shaken and triggered.

The whole family are all being super positive. We know (once again) how lucky we have all been with what has happened. My sister was at home at the time to call the ambulance, it was a quiet day in the emergency department (I was working at the time). In the scheme of things, she did not have a long wait to be seen. We know that a she is in the best place for now and has fabulous health professionals looking after her; and when she is transferred to the cardiac specialty hospital for her surgery, she will again be in the best hands possible. They do this stuff all the time and know exactly what they are doing. For all of us tho, it’s new and scary.

To have my mum going through such a full on thing has given us all a massive fright. She is the true matriarch in our family, and is the strongest person I know – she is not the one that this shit happens to. She has been the person the boys and I have all turned to since Claytie died, and has been the one holding everyone together. The ‘what-if’s’ going through everyone’s minds are a challenge, but luckily for us we are a fabulously close family – we know that she – and the rest of us have got this and that she will be fine!

For the boys this has been an extra challenge. Two of them were at home when Claytie died and had to help with CPR and letting people know. We have all seen first hand the ‘could have been’, and none of us have recovered from that! Then, earlier this year, in middle of the drama that happened to my family at Christmas, someone who was very close to us had a ‘turn’. At the time the boys were told it was either a heart attack or a stroke and was being investigated. That is all the information they were given and they were all incredibly concerned. We have since found out that it was a stress/panic attack and that the person is fine… but for the boys it was really scary to be given such news and then nothing further. In fact we were all actively excluded from the entire situation and that has damaged the relationship enormously.

This time, with my mum, it is a very different thing. All of the information is being shared – possibly more that she would like, and no questions are off the table! The boys are all really shaky, but we’re hanging in there. It’s hard for me as their mum, to put on a brave face when it is my mum in trouble. We’re all doing our best to prop each other up, but I’m not going to lie and say that it is easy! We are all on the edge of our seats to find out when her surgery will happen – some time early next week is what we have been told. Waiting for things to happen is always a challenge, but we know that the staff are dotting i’s and crossing t’s to make sure it all goes smoothly!

Mama is in reasonably good spirits – but I am pretty sure my lack of patience comes from her! She has decided that she working on a hospital based murder mystery, and hopes it will lead to some speculation as they put her under anaesthetic -she thinks she will talk out loud and drop all kinds of bizarre hints. My uncles suggestion of getting her a cone (the kind a dog would wear) to stop her licking her wounds post surgery is also being considered – we’re just not sure how that will go down in ICU (haha).

We’re all doing our best to make the best of a yucky situation, and we’re absolutely hanging on to the luck that we have had! I’m not really one for talking to god, but am not opposed to good vibes being sent her way, and if thoughts and prayers are your thing, we’ll take those too! Cross everything you have for us, and I will keep you posted on how it all goes x

This week has been a weird, yucky one for me – a pity party in a million ways. One of those weeks where I don’t much like myself, and get stuck wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time in my head over analysing everything and it is an uncomfortable way to be.

I was sitting in the bath the other day, thinking about a conversation with one of the boys. I had been talking to him about how lonely I get. I have friends that I call on and talk to, but they are not always around or available when I need – and I totally understand that. They have their own lives to live and I get it… I also envy it. They have what I should have… what I did have! I can find things to fill in my time, but it is sad on my own and it feels like I am counting down each day- only I don’t know what I’m counting down for!… most days I feel like I have nothing to really look forward to, except for more time on my own.

I know exactly what I want… and I know that I can never have it. I want what I had with Claytie. I want my old life back just the way it was. Anything else with anyone else feels like a really poor imitation. I feel detached from everything and am just going through the motions. I don’t know what else I am looking for or what I will be happy with, but I do know that I haven’t yet found it. Maybe I won’t ever find it… and that’s a hard, sad thought too.

I find myself compromising, and accepting a lot more from situations than I should. I feel like I am way too accomodating and put myself last in a whole lot of ways. I recognising it while it is happening, and I know I should value myself more than I do, but loneliness is such a harsh thing to live with and sometimes crumbs feel better than nothing.

I hear the advice that everyone gives, and I would say the same thing to anyone else – put yourself first, don’t rush things, learn to value your own company, don’t accept second best- but right now, I am living this and I can tell you it’s shit. The loneliness can be overwhelming and all encompassing, and really hard to see past, so you accept less than you should from people just to feel something.

On a good day I can distract myself with all kinds of things, but the highs don’t really last and the lows are pretty deep. I get sick of myself complaining, and I try to remind myself how truly lucky I have been – I honestly know it and believe it too – but when it’s just me on my own that can get hard to hang onto.

The thing is, I really don’t know what I want from my life anymore. I constantly feel overwhelmed by everything and it’s nasty and unpleasant feeling like this. It’s not who I want to be and I hate it, but I have no choice other than to keep going. In lots of ways it feels selfish to want more, because what I had was so amazing and maybe that’s all I’m allowed to have… but really I don’t want to be this alone for the rest of my life!

Anyway…. That’s been miserable me this week. I know the anxiety around work hasn’t helped either. Shift work has been kind of brutal – and I know I’m always more anxious when I am tired. It’s hard being the new person, learning a whole bunch of new stuff and trying to fit into a team that have worked together for a long time. They are hard nuts to crack, and there is a lot to learn, but I know I’m getting there and I’m sure next week will be better all round. Fingers crossed in any case!

So this week held some new challenges for me. I have now worked all three shift times that the department runs on, and I have to say that Night Shift is really hard! Sleeping and eating are all very disrupted and catching up with people nearly impossible! Thankfully I only have to do 3-4 nights at a time, and there are several weeks between turns. I’m proud of myself for giving it a go and I know that Claytie would be proud of me too.

Some of the things I have seen at work this week, have been quite confronting and it has taken a bit to get my head around it. The emergency department is a whole world on its own. The mix of people that come through the doors is vast and fascinating! For the most part they have been lovely and understanding of my newness and learning, and I am grateful for that, but there have been things that have happened that I have had to really think about.

One roles of my job happens near a private room that is used for ‘end of life’ patients. People who are not going to survive without the machines that they are attached to, and whose family members have made the decision to remove them from those machines. It is hard having to do the admin stuff knowing that for these people and their families things will never be the same, and understanding just how hard life will be for them going forward.

We had one such patient this week – my first. A woman who was not yet 60, brought in after a massive brain haemorrhage – a stroke. She was brought into the private room from the emergency bay and moved to a bed before her family joined her and the doctors in the room. The grief was palpable as they walked past us into the room, and once the machines were turned off, it was loud.

Other peoples grief is almost harder than my own in a whole lot of ways, and that comes as a surprise when my own is so very heavy. Listening to this family grieve their person was really hard. I know what the next bit looks like for them and it is not a nice picture. It is part of life tho and I know I will see more of these situations in the job I am now doing. I know that there will be an amount of desensitisation that happens with time, and that saddens me too – life, and it’s end, should carry weight with it and we should feel it.

The other thing that I have found confronting has been the patients who come into emergency with what can only be described as very significant mental health issues. It is really sad to see how many people have huge mental health issues (I would almost say at least a quarter of the presentations) , and how hard that is to work through.

It is hard listening to their anguish and then watching them abuse the people who are there to help. It is hard seeing them run through the department with security and/or police chasing them, pushing through people and the paraphernalia that comes with treating them. Spitting at nurses or shitting (literally) on their beds and throwing it around And it is especially confronting seeing them needing to be restrained by what looks like an excessive number of people for their own safety.

It hasn’t all been negative tho, and I am really enjoying the role over all so far. The people I have been working with have been lovely, and I am starting to get my head around the things I have to do. It is hard being the new person, and not knowing all the things that you need to know, but that will come with time and I need to be kinder to myself with the process. I am working on mindfulness and relaxation (my bath has been getting quite the workout) and that has helped with the anxiety that is constant. I keep on putting one foot in front of the other and I have Clayties voice in my ear telling me I’m doing ok.