Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week has been another rollercoaster – some of it good, some not so nice and some really sad. That’s life tho right!? We have no control over the big stuff (or most of the other stuff either really)… all we can control is how we react to it.

My week started with the news that a good friend lost a hard fight, and his family has lost their anchor. My heart breaks for them and what the next part of their world looks like. I wish I could make it better for them and take away the hurt, but all I can do is walk beside them as they navigate this part. It is shit and nothing I can say or do will make that less. I know what it feels like and I am sending them all the love x

My boys world has also faced some upheaval. The voluntary administration in their work place turned into receivership, and the three of them lost their jobs. After a little bit of panic – mostly from me, it’s been an up and down week figuring out what that means and what it looks like. They have spent a lot of time in various conversations, and all things crossed the current plan works out and they will be back in work by mid next week or so.

This is absolutely one of those situations where I am not quite the right parent to come to for advice – I don’t understand a whole lot (probably most) of what is going on and it has all been very up and down. Claytie would have been perfect… this was his wheelhouse and missing him feels like an elephant in the room for me. I am not ignoring it – how could I!?- but I am very aware of how much space it is taking up.

I’ve had some really lovely, and necessary for me time with my widows group this week as well. It is always such a good feeling for me catching up with people who share the baseline of missing their person. There has been an official catch up, as well as some other social stuff. On Tuesday a group of us went to an exhibition that featured one of our friends in a photography display telling some of her grief story. It was beautiful, and the roof top lunch and cocktails afterwards made the day even more fabulous. I’m not sure the staff knew what hit them as our conversation was loud and wide ranging – and then there were the tears! A couple of us also had a meeting this week to discuss our possible presentation at next years camp/conference, as well as a fundraising plan that we have – both are things I am looking forward to and feeling positive about…. Watch this space!

I have also had a really lovely time getting to know my new friend this week. I have been spoilt with dinner and lunch at work, and had a fabulous day at the beach (even with not so nice weather). It has been fun and interesting and easy, with more plans for the weekend -dinner and a show… and I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes. I’m really trying to let myself enjoy it all and to soak it all up.

There have been blips of anxiety with all of this stuff, but I’m kind of surprised that it’s been ok. Part of me feels like I am waiting for it to kick in hard, but the other part feels like it might be alright. I think I am giving myself permission to just go with whatever I’m feeling – something I have always thought I did, but it’s almost like I actually mean it more now. It’s a weird way to feel, and even weirder to try and explain, and knowing me it will all change again in a couple of weeks anyway… that seems to be the pattern with my anxiety!

So this week has been a bit of a big one for family news. Big things have happened for the boys that have once again highlighted how much we need and miss Claytie. So many times I feel just not quite enough. I am who is left so I have to be, but I am incredibly conscious of what is missing.

My youngest son was nominated for, and won the award for ‘Qld Bread Baking apprentice of the year‘. He started his apprenticeship about 6 or so months after his dad died. We had to talk him into it, he is not great with change – very much like his mother!! But he has done it, and has done it incredibly well. I am so, so bloody proud of him and I know that Claytie would be too. He should still be here, and it is really hard when stuff like this happens to not have him here sharing the cheerleader spot with me.

The other big thing that has happened for us this week, is that the company that the other three boys work for has had to go into voluntary administration. This company has been a turning point for the boys, and it is really sad that this has happened to their employers. It is a FMCG (fast moving consumer goods – Food and beverage) company, something that was Clayties world for the 20 plus years before he started FIFO work.

I try and keep up with the conversations about work, but we all know that Claytie was the perfect person for this topic. He would understand exactly what they are talking about and have all kinds of advice and opinions. I know that he would be incredibly proud of the work the boys have been doing, and it is shit that he’s not here for these conversations. I try, but it’s not the same. I am sure that the boys will be fine, and that everything will work out as it should. They are just sitting tight for right for now waiting to see what happens.

The end of my week took an unexpected (but very pleasant) turn as well. I have been on and off the dating apps again in the last couple of weeks – very half heartedly as you can imagine. I started chatting with someone new and met up for a drink after work without really knowing what to expect, and based on past experience not holding out too much hope; but I was very pleasantly surprised and had a fabulous time! My planned half hour or so turned into about 4 hours of non stop conversation and laughing. It was fun and easy and I’m very much looking forward to a second date!

I’m a bit late with my post this week.. I haven’t really been sure what to write about, and I’ve been unwell so haven’t actually done a whole lot with myself either. I did go out this morning tho to a friends house to be part of filming a mini documentary for First Light Widows Association – a support group and charity that is really close to my heart.

The video is going to be used to raise awareness and money for the organisation so that they can continue to do the fabulous work that they do to support young widowed people in Australia. I have spoken before about the camp/conferences that I have been to and how helpful they have been for me, and of the new friends that I have made through the group. They also have amazing support for newly widowed people and do monthly coffee catch ups to help people connect.

Each of us is on our own journey with grief. It is incredibly personal and individual, but going to First Light events has been super helpful to me. The people in the group have helped me to feel accepted – I am not alone with what I am going through, and my grief has been validated in ways that I have not had in my ‘regular’ world – and that is not meant in anyway to be critical of the amazing people in my world.

I was one of the first people in my social group to become widowed. I absolutely felt like i was the odd one out and that I was navigating this grief stuff entirely on my own until I joined First Light. I am now part of a surprisingly big group of ‘young’ widows and widowers who have a much better understanding of what I am going through because they are going through the same things. There is always someone available to talk with about pretty much anything. There are people who are much further along in their journey who are super encouraging about what comes next and how that feels. There are people at a similar stage to me and we have a whole lot in common with how we’re feeling and what we are doing, like changing friendships or family relationships, dating etc; and then there are the new people and it feels really good to be there for them and offer support to them with their process.

I’m incredibly grateful that I foundFirst Light, I’m honestly not sure how I would be now 3years and 3months after losing Claytie, without the support I have received. I’m also really proud to have been asked to be part of this documentary and am looking forward to seeing it when it is done. The other thing I am starting to look forward to (with some nerves thrown in) is possibly being a co-presenter with one of my new friends at next years camp – watch this space!

This week has been a very quiet one for me. I have been a bit unwell and have spent a whole lot of time wallowing in bed. It’s actually been quite nice to be honest, but I am getting a bit sick of myself and am looking forward to some more beach time coming up when I feel better.

I did meet someone this week whose story brought home again to me just how quickly the life that we know can change. Their person died in a home invasion at the end of last year. This person witnessed the entire event and was also badly hurt in the process. Their home was a crime scene for several days and their children were left to be looked after by neighbours while one parent went to hospital and the other to the morgue. I can’t begin to imagine what that must be like, or how you try and put your life back together after.

In our case ‘mother nature’ was responsible for Claytie dying. A devastating part of life for us, but somehow easier to justify. He had a heart attack. His heart stopped working and he died because that is what nature intended for him. It doesn’t hurt any less, but I can kind of reconcile it in my head. In the case of this family another person broke into their home and used a weapon to kill someone. Something so senseless it is almost impossible to get your head around; and for them the grief process is much less straight forward (and I use that term very very loosely) because they will still have years of court cases and legal matters ahead of them before any kind of justice happens.

I know that grief is not a contest. For everyone that has lost a person, it is the worst thing that has and could ever happen. I would give anything to have Claytie back and for our story to have a different out come, but sometimes you hear about someone else and it just makes you think how much harder things can be. Meeting and hearing this persons story has once again shown me how lucky we have been. I don’t often let myself go to the ‘what if’s’ because I can’t change anything that has happened, but I am so grateful that things happened how they did for us.

I have met a few people now whose person died at the hands of another, and each time hearing it is a shock. It’s the sort of thing you read in the paper or hear in the news, not from and about someone you have met. It almost feels like it can’t be real and I don’t know how the survivors keep going.

Life and death are really hard. We have no control over what gets thrown at us, all we can control is how we react to it. For me finding things to be grateful for has been super helpful. Sometimes those things are easier to see than others, but for me there has always been something. This week I am grateful to have met a new person to include in my circle. I’m grateful to know that a hug can help someone to feel better for a moment and that kindness costs nothing and can mean everything. I’m also grateful to have a job that gives me sick leave so I can wallow at home – and for delivery drivers that will drop stuff at your door when you just want some junk food to make you feel better.

I’ve had a lovely week this week. I had 6 days off and I have to tell you that this new part time roster is the best thing I have done for a long time. Every second week I get 6 days off. I can work more if I choose – there is always someone on sick leave, but I don’t have to; and that’s a really nice feeling!

I’ve been able to tick a whole bunch of stuff off my ‘life admin’ list, and feel much more in control of that stuff. My anxiety has settled right down too, and I’m just happier in myself in a whole lot of ways. It’s a good feeling and I’m just rolling with it for now.

My very favourite thing that I have done recently is to buy a mattress for the back of my car. It’s just a piece of foam that squishes into the back when my seats are down. I call it my ‘Adventure bed’ – mostly because it drives the kids insane when I say it, but it has been sooo much fun!

The other day I took myself to my favourite place to catch up with a couple of friends, and when they left I parked on the headland, hopped in the back and snoozed while watching the waves, whales and a couple of brave guys who were para-sailing off the cliff… it was magic! I’m so excited that I can now do that every second week if I want to, and I’m excited to see what else I find myself doing. I’m not sure the set up works for more than a night or two, but hello adventures, here I come! – and if you want to come along with me, just let me know x

The other thing that I have done, is to put in for a big chunk of annual leave for August/September next year. I’m a bit nervous about this one, it feels big, but am pushing myself to be brave because I know it will be worth it. I’m planning to go back to Germany and Europe and see more of the world. Last time I went to Germany was with Claytie and we had the best time. I have family there who I know will be happy to have me visit, but this time it will be on my own and that’s sad and kind of scary..

I’m not entirely sure yet where I want to go, but I know I want to see everything! I have a friend who will be heading to Greece around that time, so there is a bit of a plan to catch up with her over there and she can show me the places that she loves. Another friend has said he is thinking of doing a bike ride along the Danube, so maybe we can catch up too. I know someone else who is heading home to England soon which is another possibility, and all of those things take some of the scary out of it for me.

Claytie and I had so many plans to travel and have adventures. It feels really hard with out him, but it also feels wrong not to try. I know that he would absolutely be cheering me on with this, so I am doing it; and if you’re also planning a big trip, let me know where you’re going and when and maybe we can share some of the adventure!

The weird world of dating is something that came up in a conversation with someone I met not so long ago. It was not a date situation, but rather a conversation in a group setting. The person was super lovely, but a little bit taken aback by a group of widows out and about laughing and dancing. I have mentioned previously there seems to be an expectation both from people in my world and society as a whole that widowed people are sad all the time and find ‘living’ hard. We do, often! But life is not black and white, it doesn’t just stop because our person died. Happy and sad can exist in the same space and that’s actually a pretty healthy thing.

We got to chatting and several of us were telling stories of the dates that we had been on. The good, the bad and the down right weird. A common theme was not being the other persons priority, and agonising over what was acceptable. It’s a hard thing coming from the beautiful life that we had, to now starting from scratch with a whole pile of baggage. I am friends with a lot of widows who are all navigating the world of dating after losing their person, and one big theme seems to be that people settle for and accept much less than they should.

It seems like everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too in the dating world. Chatting with and seeing multiple people – keeping your options open seems to apply for anyone playing the game… I guess the theory is that the next person you meet could be the perfect one, while the one you’re with now is flawed in some way. In theory, we all know and tell each other that no one is perfect but also that we are worth so much more than we accept and that we should walk away from situations that are not 100% positive. It is easy to look at someone else’s situation and see red flags or things that are just not quite ok. It is much harder when you are in the situation yourself to walk away from it.

We are so desperately missing our person, and the emotional and physical closeness that we used to have, that it is easy to overlook things and stay in a situation much longer than we should. I have a friend who has found herself in a situation where the guy she has been seeing is still living with an ex. Mostly it’s over but they are still living together; he doesn’t want to hurt the ex, but he wants to have a relationship with my friend too!? Not something that you would be happy to have happen, but you go along with it because it feels good in the moment. The person we were chatting with likened it to needing a hit of sugar. We all know that it’s bad for us, but the endorphin rush is something that feels so good that we let it happen. We indulge in behaviour that is potentially risky and hurtful because we need to feel something.

We all do it to some extent.. everyone would prefer to feel happy rather than sad, but that’s not how the real world works. I’m not sure what the answers are… the little highs feel good. It’s nice to have someone tell you what you want to hear, even while you question the sincerity of what they are saying. We no longer have our person to be the cheer squad, so self confidence takes a massive hit and you chase the compliments and the feel good factor even knowing that it’s not healthy. It’s all part of needing to be distracted from the sad reality that is.

I know for myself that I go through phases with this. I download the apps and scroll through looking for connections when I’m feeling low. I go into it knowing that I don’t like it, that this is not how I want to meet people. I don’t actually really know what I’m looking for at this stage either! – I like the idea of having people in my world that I can do things with, a plus one for different things, but not necessarily any sort of full on relationship yet. I don’t like how shallow it feels to be on the dating apps, but it’s nice to have someone comment on a picture or tell me that they would like to meet. It is a sugar hit and a kind of validation that I still matter and that I’m someone that has something to offer… and before you all jump in and tell me off, I know that I matter and I know my own worth – but the sugar hit is addictive in a way.

I imagine this part of the roller coaster will keep going for a little while. I’m not entirely sure how else you meet new people, everyone seems to be on the apps and we all seem to have the same complaints about it, but it’s hard finding other ways to connect. Lately I’ve been setting myself the challenge of talking to at least one new person when I go out socially. I’ve had some pretty interesting conversations, and who knows maybe I will meet someone truly fabulous this way!?

This week has been another big one at work… 7 full shifts, and 3 of those were night shifts. I have to tell you, they have not gotten better or easier! The lack of sleep and changes to the circadian rhythm’s are brutal, and some of the traumas I have seen this week have been really really hard, but I’m surviving and I am thrilled to say that from next week my roster is changing. Happily -and very lucky for me and my perseverance, I am able to swap to a part time role. It will mean a cut in my pay, but honestly, the extra days off are worth so much more to me than anything else.

I was able to finish this week with a really sensational weekend away with some of my widowed friends. One of my friends offered to pick me up and drive me – something I very happily accepted after Night Shift, and off we went. We went to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show down at the Gold Coast. Those of you that know me particularly well will know that I don’t really do movies (even the ones that ‘everyone’ has seen!) and wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Rocky Horror is not one I have seen before. This was all new territory for me! .. I loved it!

I loved that people got dressed up as the characters, and that the true aficionados knew all the lines and played along with the actors! It was a whole lot of fun and I’m really glad I went, but I have to say that it was not actually the highlight of the weekend for me! My favourite part of this weekend happened after the show, when we went into the casino for a drink and a dance.

Four of us were standing between the bar and the dance floor chatting and people watching, when a friendly looking man in a funky bucket hat walked past me holding a blow up doll – no, not that kind! The doll was just a bit bigger than a soft drink bottle and had someone’s face printed in it. As he walked past I asked him “whose your mate?”. He stopped, and told us the most lovely story…

There is a whole group of guys from Sydney who celebrate the end of soccer season every year (some of them have done this for 40 years) by coming up to the Gold Coast for a Boys Weekend. It’s all planned out with a golf day, a race day and a pool and relax day. One of their mates Bob (not his actual name, as he has not given me permission to use it) , was supposed to come, but couldn’t because he was in hospital having cancer surgery. They decided that the trip would not be the same without Bob, so it was his face on the blow up doll. They spent the weekend with Bob taking all sorts of photos, in all kinds of scenarios with all kinds of people, and sending them to him in hospital to cheer him up, something that we all thought was such a nice thing to do.

We got talking, and mentioned our story – that we are all widows and that Bob had landed in a safe space with us. We had the most fun night chatting and dancing and introducing our new friend Bob to anyone else that walked past us. It was such a lovely and thoughtful thing for these guys to do and it was an awesome way to talk with new and interesting people (note to self, if you want an easy and fun night out, bring a prop to encourage conversation!)

The widow conversation was also interesting. It feels like people are often surprised when we go out as a group and it becomes known that we have all lost someone so significant to us. People just don’t know what to say, and there is almost a sense of confusion that we should be laughing and having a good time. I think a lot of people still have an idea in their heads that Widows should be dressed in black and sit at home being sad. That’s not how it works, and we all know that that is not what our people would want for us. I’m pretty sure that Claytie would be disappointed in me if I shut myself away and didn’t live my life fully.

I keep that thought in the back of my head all the time, and try to make the most of the things that life throws my way. This weekend is a perfect example of that! Cocktails by the pool, a fabulous stage show to watch, a swim in the ocean, fresh prawns by the beach, and awesome people for company. It’s hard not to be grateful for that.

Obviously I miss Claytie and wish that he was the one doing all of these things with me, but I am so glad that I have people (both friends who knew Claytie and my new widowed friends) who are happy to embrace the idea of living life to the full and making new memories. With the upcoming change to my roster, and having more days off I am looking forward to adding to my adventures and seeing what life sends my way next.

This week has felt long and hard. It started with a birthday party for someone who has been a friend for a long time. It was a milestone birthday for her, and it was nice to be invited; probably for me it would have been nicer not to go, but I am also glad that I did. Since Claytie died, our friendship, and that of the group, has changed. We’ve drifted apart following an incident that happened early on, and it has been a hard thing to hold onto.

It is no one’s fault, all sides have some blame. They did something hurtful, and perhaps I over reacted, but it has had a massive impact on my world – I lost a whole group of friends and have not seen most of them for about 2 years. They did not speak to me at the party, in fact they did not look my way at all. It was a whole new level of awkward for me and I have to admit to being hurt by it, but it has also confirmed for me that perhaps I valued the friendship differently to them. I know now that there is no point thinking that things will change, and that is ok. It is a chapter that I can now absolutely close.

I also found out this week that another good friend and her family have received the most awful news. They have an enormous fight in front of them and my heart hurts for them. We have been friends on and off since our oldest boys were in pre school together. We lost touch for a little while, but they have been amazing since Claytie died. We don’t see each other all that much, but we message and check in with each other often, and when we do catch up it’s like no time has passed. They have already fought one enormous battle, and this time is worse. It is hard knowing that I can’t do anything to make it better, it’s a shit show and I’m sad that this is what they have to go through.

In the middle of all of that, and central to everything is missing Claytie. I’ve missed his advice, and his black and white outlook on life. I’ve missed hearing ‘it is what it is’ and arguing that it is ok to be sad. I’ve missed being able to cry on his shoulder, and the hugs that would come with it. I’ve missed having him in my corner and not having to question that. I’ve missed him. I miss him all the time and that feeling is always worse when it’s been a hard week.

Sometimes, a good long cry is exactly what you need to clear out all the hurt, and so that was me last night. I had a pity party for one. No one was at home and I was feeling sad, lonely and miserable. It was pjs and a cuppa in bed at about 5.30, and an onslaught of tears for myself and for all the hurt this week. I think I feel better for it in a lot of ways. I try not to let myself go there too often… it would be an easy place to stay, but every so often it helps.

I’m ok and I know that I will be ok. These bumps are all part of navigating life. I will do everything I can to help and support my friends in their fight, and send all the light and love their way. I’m grateful that I have fabulous people in my corner and that I have this outlet to voice my thoughts. I’m lucky, and I don’t ever forget that.

How nasty is a holiday hangover!? The catching up on washing, groceries and other chores and the back to work anxiety! The wanting to stay on vacation forever… That’s been me for the last couple of days after a fabulous break in Tasmania.

I had five days off on my roster – the joys of shift work means that every so often there is a bigger break built in. I was determined to do something spectacular with it this time, and my visit to Tasmania was exactly that! What an absolutely stunning place. The scenery is spectacularly beautiful, and for someone like me who loves the beach, there is an amazing coastline never far away!

One of my girlfriends was able to take time off and come with me – it was nice having the company, and also made for a more affordable holiday sharing the cost of accomodation and car hire. We started the break with a concert on Friday night. I had been wanting to see Postmodern Jukebox for a super long time, and they did not disappoint! The show was fabulous. If you’ve not heard of them before, do yourself a favour and look them up, they are great!

We had a super early flight booked for Saturday, and arrived in Hobart mid morning. Our accomodation for the first couple of nights was the very quaint and quirky Customs House Hotel. Upstairs and downstairs, around all kinds of corners was our very spacious and comfortable room; across the road from the harbour, and a very short walk from the Salamanca Markets it was a perfect spot for us, and we made the most of it! In the two days that we spent in Hobart, we packed in a visit to the markets, a harbour cruise, a hike on Mount Wellington and of course MONA, the most fabulous art gallery/museum that I have ever been to.

Next stop, with some detours to other spectacular places, was the historic and beautiful Port Arthur. It felt like a must see place to visit, and was an incredibly interesting piece of our history. I have to confess to being a little bit disappointed tho in how sanitised it all was, I had expected to feel the weight of so much history – both old and more recent, much more than I did. It was lovely, and I’m glad I went, but I’m not sure it is somewhere I would chose to see again.

An unplanned stop on our way to Freycinet National Park, was the blowhole at Eaglehawk Neck. It was a stunning detour to make and I am so happy we found. It was incredibly beautiful and very very quiet, with no other tourists around. The sky was overcast, and the wind was blowing… my favourite kind of day and perfect for a stop on a rugged bit of coastline.

The drive to Coles Bay in the Freycinet National park ended up being a little bit hair raising…. We were a later than we had anticipated thanks to all the detours, and the road was more rustic (?… can one say that about a road?) than expected. Going through the mountains on an unpaved road, and in quite a thick fog made for an adventure that we probably weren’t quite prepared for! Thankfully my friend was happy to be the driver, because if it was me, we would still be driving! Our bed for the night was comfortable and old school – in a 1980’s kind of way! We only had the one night here, and didn’t get to see much of this part of Tassie, but it is definitely on the list of places to go back to.

Next stop on our tour was the absolutely spectacular – and probably my favourite part of the trip – Binalong Bay, or Bay of Fires as it is also known. What an insanely beautiful part of the world. Crystal clear turquoise water, white Sandy beaches and the most amazingly coloured rocks. Picture post card perfect… and the ideal place for a skinny dip – yes I did! Honestly, I could have stayed here for so much longer than the time we had… and it is also on the ‘return visit’ list!

Launceston was next the next, and last for this trip, place to visit. A beautiful drive through country roads, and a fabulous heritage listed hotel for the night. It was like taking a step back in time, and into another part of the world. The cold air and charming architecture made it feel quite European to me.. I loved it!

My friend and I set ourselves a challenge for our night in Launceston – find a fun place for dinner and interesting people to talk to. Lucky for us, we managed both! We found a beautiful Art-deco style restaurant with the cutest furniture and fixtures, all gold and velvet and luxury, and had a great chat with the chap at the next table to us. He is from Uruguay and was happy to have our company for dinner as he was on a trip for work. We covered all kinds of topics over our meal, and I feel like I have a new friend because of it.

Our final day saw us start the day with a visit to ‘Monkey park’, a beautiful garden in the city centre that randomly has a family of Japanese Macaque monkeys. kind of odd but fun! We also managed to visit Cataract Gorge and ride the chairlift across and then a hike to walk around and back down. It too was beautiful!

Five days was absolutely not long enough for the fabulousness that is Tasmania – but it was a great start, and I have a million more places to go and visit. I think it should be compulsory for us all to holiday in Australia. We live in the most beautiful country. There are so many fabulous places to visit and explore and I can’t wait to start planning the next trip!

The other day I was chatting to someone new to my world, and having seen my profile picture they asked me about ‘that photo’. The question was ‘what is it with you and no clothes facing into the unknown’, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

The first photo happened in Malaysia on the balcony of the 57th floor penthouse that my friend and I were staying in at the time. It was incredibly liberating, and happened more or less as a laugh. Since then tho for me, it has become almost a way of anchoring myself. It’s a F@&$ you to the world. It is a ‘come at me’ and an acknowledgement of my vulnerability, of the fact that in the big picture of life, I have absolutely no control over what happens but I’m here to fight for myself anyway.

So many things have happened and changed in my world since Claytie died. Nothing feels the same as it did, even though my brain tells me that all kinds of everyday things should. There is a huge disconnect between who I was and who I am now, and it’s a weird thing to navigate. Often I recognise parts of the old me, but the new me sees the world very differently in a million ways. That photo is not something I would have done – or even thought about doing before Claytie died; but I also feel like the person I am now has not come from nowhere – she must have been in there somewhere!?

There is a kind of recklessness in me now that is new. An acknowledgement that life is short and you have to live it big. It’s about experiences and memories, gratitude and enjoyment, an almost hedonistic outlook that grabs hold and pushes you out of your comfort zone. I have seen similar things in other widowed people that I have met since Claytie died, and while I have only known them without their person and can’t comment on who they were before, that same kind of wildness is in a lot of them now. I don’t know if it’s a ‘newly’ widowed thing!? I know for some people who have known me for a long time, some of my behaviours feel out of character; but for me they often feel like they were always there, but much less, and much more controlled.

I didn’t have to be ‘wild’, because I had Claytie there to balance me and to validate my feelings. I didn’t have to question who I was or what was expected of me, I could just be. It was something that I always took for granted without knowing that that is what it was, because I didn’t know anything different. Now I have to figure out who I am without him, and I think that is something that I will be doing for the rest of my life whether someone new comes into it or not.

I know for sure, in spite of the uncertainty of life that I will keep taking ‘that photo’. I like how it makes me feel. As for everything else, that’s a day by day thing I guess. If things feel good, I’ll have a go and if not then I will re-evaluate. What I do know is that there is no rule book for any of this stuff. Life and all that happen in it is messy. Some times it can be a happy mess and other times it’s an absolute shit show, all I can control is how I respond to it, and ‘that photo’ is one of those responses.