Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster again. It was my week off work, which is always nice, but I ended up feeling quite overwhelmed with everything I had to do.

My problem, especially at this time of the year is that I find myself over committing to a bunch of social things and then losing the motivation to do the things that I have to do, all of which leads to a teary, anxiety riddled breakdown. I did the very same thing last year too and told myself that I would set myself better boundaries this year – clearly that didn’t work.

I am behind on my Christmas shopping, and wrapping, and cooking… and then overwhelmed with the list of things that I still have to do. I’m not entirely sure that it will all get done – the gingerbread definitely won’t haha, but I will plug away at it and do my best!

I am looking forward to Christmas, although this year looks different for us again. There have been quite a lot of changes in the last three and a half years, and missing Claytie is definitely a huge part of that. This year there is a location change for my families celebration, my sister has offered to host at her place in Laidley instead of it being at my parents house. For the first time ever I am working on Christmas Day – although my traditional Brekky will still happen in the morning – the baked beans are just too good to miss out on, and other family catch ups will also be very different this year which is another adjustment to get through. I’m such a creature of routine (or just very very German) that all the changes are adding to my anxiety.

On the upside, I’ve done a lot of very nice social things in the last week. I went to the beach to catch up with one of my friends, had a very nice dinner with someone special, spent a day driving to Redcliffe to drop off some mobility aids for a friend who hurt herself (get better soon MA) and had a sing along with 7000 people at pub choir. I had drinks with a bunch of friends at a craft brewery and finished the weekend at the beach catching up with another friend. The Squish has been over a couple of times to swim in my pool – and that is always the best thing. Socially my cup is very full!

I know all of the stuff that worries me will be fine, it always is, and I know that it’s ok to take a minute and let the emotions hit. This is all part of the chaos that happens in my world. Hopefully this next week is kind to me, and my organisational skills are on point! The count down is on… we can do this!

So I may have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started seeing someone and it has been really, really lovely. The first time we met was for a drink after work – that I very nearly cancelled!

It was a Friday afternoon, I had a million things I was supposed to do and it was raining! My thoughts were that it would be just another bad first date, with no chance of a second. My enthusiasm level was pretty low to be honest, but I figured it was only across the road and I could do a half hour or so! We sat and talked for about three hours that day, have not stopped talking since and it has been great.

We see each other most mornings before work (he works next door to where I work) and share a cuppa.. it’s a really nice way to start the day. We have been to see shows together and have had quiet nights on the couch. I’ve taken him to my favourite spot on the beach and we have more of those days planned. He has met some of my kids and I have met one of his (he has a daughter and a son that are similar ages to my boys). It has been a fabulous time getting to know each other so far, and I’m really enjoying the process.

The other day I got a notification on Facebook that he wanted to update our relationship details and I have to say that I totally freaked out. I’m absolutely happy to say that we are in a relationship, but the Facebook thing threw me for a loop. As much as most of my life is an open book, somehow I’m not a big fan of social media relationship updates – not counting engagements or weddings etc but more the ‘I’ve got a partner’ ones (I hope that makes sense)

Somehow in my head even thinking about such a public post felt like a betrayal of Claytie. It is such a contradictory way to feel- even though I know that I am not doing anything I shouldn’t, and that Claytie would absolutely want me to be happy and living my life to the fullest, he is still such a huge part of me and my life that it just felt wrong. It was an almost visceral reaction, and it is really hard to explain.

It took me a bit of time (and a very teary confused conversation with the fellow in question) to figure out that I absolutely still think of myself as married to Claytie. I know I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong, I know that I’m allowed to move on and find happiness again, albeit it completely differently to how my life was before…but there is still a weird place in my head about what that looks like in the real world and about how fast it goes.

I actually put it to the Widows support group and thankfully had some lovely responses that let me know I’m not the only one to feel that way. I heard from people who have been on this journey for much longer than me (5-10years) and who have re-partnered, who still find themselves confused about their feelings. I’m starting to think that maybe it isn’t so much about a chapter two as much as it is starting a whole new book. Some of the characters are the same, but it is an entirely different story and that takes a whole lot of getting used to.

I guess this is just another case of ‘it is what it is’ and navigating the new. Bumps in the road that tip me off course a little bit and stir up all sorts of feelings. All I can do is keep being honest about what all of this looks and feels like and taking it one day at a time. … and continuing to be grateful for the amazing people in my world that are helping me through it xx

This week has been one for celebrating one of my very favourite humans. My little squish, my first grandson has just turned one. I can’t believe we have had him for a whole year already. It feels like he was only born yesterday, and at the same time it’s like he has been here forever.

Poor little man was really unwell at the start of the week with a fever and a rash and an ear ache – the joys of being a toddler in daycare! I got to spend a couple of hours with him on Monday and Tuesday while his parents did what they had to at work – luckily it’s been my week for days off! I think there’s almost nothing sadder than a sick and miserable baby, and he was absolutely that! Thankfully a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics meant he was feeling a whole lot better for his birthday and party!

I love seeing all of my boys interact with him… they are besotted and it’s a constant fight for who gets his attention. It is such a nice thing to see, but also bittersweet because Claytie should be here too, playing the fool and making the Squish laugh. I know absolutely that they would adore each other. Claytie was always the biggest kid anytime there were small people around, playing with them and handing out treats. He had such an easy way with people no matter what their age, but kids were always his favourite, and I know for sure that the Squish would be top of his list!

I love that the boys all have a whole lot of that in them too. They have always been so lovely with little people – to the point that it has often been commented on. It’s what they have always seen their Dad do, so it seems only natural that they do it too – younger cousins, family friends and now with their nephew. I know that one of my boys will often message his brother to see if he and the Squish can have a coffee date on the weekend, and there is always disappointment if Squish comes for a visit at our place when Boys are not at home.

I’m looking forward to the next (bittersweet) year of watching the Squish grow up. It’s such a fun thing seeing his personality develop and watching him engage with and explore the world around him. He is the happiest little human (except when he’s sick) and I can’t wait for him to start talking – I am really hoping that he comes up with his own nicknames for his Granny (that’s me!) and for his uncles. I love the joy that he has brought into our world!

Happy Birthday Squish x

I have had a couple of conversations this week with different people that I found really frustrating and challenging. Mostly I try and just let stuff that I think is pretty ignorant slide – it’s not worth the argument and more often than not people are coming from a place of good will… but sometimes it just pisses me off and I need to vent.

I’m not a poster child for what this grief stuff looks like. All I can do is speak about my experience, and from all of the conversations I have had with a whole bunch of different widowed people, I can tell you that while we have all lost our person, we are all very different in our approach to our loss. Some people sit in their grief bubble for a long time and feel like the world is against them, some have a million regrets and unfulfilled wishes that make this journey so much more difficult for them. Others try to put it to the side and pretend they are ok and socialise constantly so that they are not alone. I know of people that have taken themselves right out of their world and travel to find themselves and to figure out what their new world looks like… there is no right or wrong or one size fits all approach to this stuff.

I think a lot of people in my life look at my situation and automatically try to put me into a sort of victim category, which I hate!! Yes I had something really difficult and awful happen in my world. My husband, the love of my life died way too young, and it has been all kinds of shit; but I don’t chose to see myself as a victim at all. This stuff happens to everyone at some point in their lives, whether it is a parent, spouse, child, family member or friend. The one and only guarantee that we get in life is that it will come to an end. If we are really lucky that ending comes at a ripe old age and with no regrets – but that isn’t part of the guarantee either!

I know that it is human nature to look at someone else’s situation and compare it to your own. We all do that, and often it makes us feel so much better about where we are at. We all do the hypothetical of what if it were me – but I really don’t want to be seen as a victim. I don’t want to be the recipient of comments like ‘poor you’, ‘your life looks so sad’ or ‘omg I feel so sorry for you’. I actually think, all things considered, that I’m doing pretty well with my life, and absolutely I have been so, so lucky! There isn’t a day that I don’t miss or think about Claytie… there never will be, but I certainly don’t feel like a victim and I am absolutely allowed to chose to find things in my new world that bring me happiness.

The other thing that came up through the week and one that I really, really hate, is having my situation compared to a divorce or separation. I haven’t been through either of those, but I can 100% guarantee that the death of your person is in no way like making a conscious decision to change your situation. I had no choice in what happened to us, and in an ideal world I would still be happily with Claytie, planning our retirement and the rest of our lives together.

The things that people see of my world now, the things I share here in this blog , and in general – dating and going out, having adventures and meeting people are for the most part about filling in time and trying to let myself feel ok about what is left of my life. It is in no way better than what I had, it is not a trade off… it is me trying to survive! Yes, I don’t have anyone to answer to about the choices that I make… but I absolutely bloody wish that I did!!

I’m doing the best I can, the only way that I know how… one day at a time, one step at a time. I try and do the things that make me feel ok. I spend time with people that give me positive energy and that boost me. I have had to establish new boundaries and protect my energy from people who drain it. I am much more black and white than I used to be, and I’m ok with it. I’m open about what all of this stuff is like to live with for me, but please, please don’t ever think it is easy, or easier than being with my person!

This week has been a good one, which is not to say that there wasn’t anxiety (there always is!) but rather that it’s been manageable. It was my week of days off which is always amazing! I pinch myself often at how fabulous my current roster is and how lucky I am! It seems that the boys are all back to gainfully employed as of this week too.. another thing to be grateful for!

At the start of the week I wasn’t too sure what I would be doing with my days off, and ended up thoroughly enjoying pottering around the house and garden. I had brekky with a couple of friends one morning and had hoped to catch up with a friend at Caloundra, but covid ended up spoiling those plans – it did lead to some laugh out loud tik tok videos from her tho!

On the not so fun side, one of the boys has some health concerns and will need to see a cardiologist… something I am trying to get my head around and not worry about too much, but is absolutely sitting at the back of my head. Hopefully it will be a relatively simple fix! I really want all of the boys to get thoroughly checked out – there is a huge risk from both sides of the family, but without actual symptoms the doctors won’t do a whole lot because of their ages and fitness levels.

The end of my week has turned out to be much busier that the start. Coffee with some of my widow friends at Scarborough enjoying to water views, and a jewellery making class which was fabulous. What a super fun way to spend an afternoon, and I have two new pieces of bling to wear.

I also caught up and had dinner with friends from Highschool which was lovely. We have all known each other for such a long time, 30+ years. We have been to each others weddings, had a million play dates when the kids were little and are now comparing stories of grand babies – and seeing them without Claytie is really hard. They are people that were in his year level at school and knew him long before I did, he should have been there with me, talking shit and reminiscing. I nearly didn’t go… but I’m so glad I did because I had a great time.

My favourite thing this week tho, was being surprised with a beautiful night away at Mount Tambourine, spending time with and getting to know better a fabulous new-to-my-world person. I felt very spoilt and looked after, and that is a really nice feeling to have, and something that I haven’t really had since Claytie. I would be lying if I said that I have no anxiety about it, but I am trying really hard to just appreciate each moment as it happens.

This week has been a tough one. I had a funeral to go to which in itself is not a nice thing to do, but has taken on a whole other range of feelings in my world these days. It is not the first funeral I have attended since Claytie died, but this one hit much harder that I think I had anticipated, and has made for a shaky week of anxiety and tears, which are not unusual for me.

It was a really beautiful service for a fabulous man, and his sons did an amazing job with his story. It was lovely to see how many people were there for it and to see the impact he had on their lives. I am glad to have been able to go and to support my friend and her family on such an important day for them. It was a really hard day tho, being at the same place that we had Clayties service, and with a whole lot of parallels to our story.

The last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster in a whole lot of ways. All the stuff going on with my boys has been hard, and has really highlighted how much I miss and need Claytie. He was always the calm and more level headed one of the two of us, and things were always just a bit less scary with him there to talk me down.

It’s a funny thing… I alway miss Claytie, there is not a time that I don’t, and I probably think or talk about him a million times a day. He was my whole world for such a long time, and he still is in so many ways. I hear his voice in my head all the time, and most of the decisions I make in my life have a huge element of ‘what would he do, or say, or think about it’. It can be a complicated thing, especially in the context of dating someone new… ‘what would Claytie think of this person’ sounds kind of awkward when I say it out loud to myself.

Not much about grief feels very rational tho, and I dont know how else to be with it. Clayties opinion was always the one that counted the most with me and not having it when I need it most is a hard hit to my confidence. I have a whole lot of great people whose opinions I value tremendously, but it is not the same given they know me in a completely different way. So then I go back to over thinking and over analysing everything. I talk myself round and round in circles and the anxiety levels go up. I frustrate myself a whole lot, and it is exhausting.

I’m trying hard to re-learn how to just go with a situation – to take things at face value the way that I always used to. Different things that have happened in the last 3 years have changed how I see situations which is fine to a point, but it is hard work second guessing everything and I don’t like it. I think I just have to go back to embracing ‘it’s is what it is’ and enjoy the ride… because there have been some really really lovely moments to enjoy in the middle of all of this.

This week has been another rollercoaster – some of it good, some not so nice and some really sad. That’s life tho right!? We have no control over the big stuff (or most of the other stuff either really)… all we can control is how we react to it.

My week started with the news that a good friend lost a hard fight, and his family has lost their anchor. My heart breaks for them and what the next part of their world looks like. I wish I could make it better for them and take away the hurt, but all I can do is walk beside them as they navigate this part. It is shit and nothing I can say or do will make that less. I know what it feels like and I am sending them all the love x

My boys world has also faced some upheaval. The voluntary administration in their work place turned into receivership, and the three of them lost their jobs. After a little bit of panic – mostly from me, it’s been an up and down week figuring out what that means and what it looks like. They have spent a lot of time in various conversations, and all things crossed the current plan works out and they will be back in work by mid next week or so.

This is absolutely one of those situations where I am not quite the right parent to come to for advice – I don’t understand a whole lot (probably most) of what is going on and it has all been very up and down. Claytie would have been perfect… this was his wheelhouse and missing him feels like an elephant in the room for me. I am not ignoring it – how could I!?- but I am very aware of how much space it is taking up.

I’ve had some really lovely, and necessary for me time with my widows group this week as well. It is always such a good feeling for me catching up with people who share the baseline of missing their person. There has been an official catch up, as well as some other social stuff. On Tuesday a group of us went to an exhibition that featured one of our friends in a photography display telling some of her grief story. It was beautiful, and the roof top lunch and cocktails afterwards made the day even more fabulous. I’m not sure the staff knew what hit them as our conversation was loud and wide ranging – and then there were the tears! A couple of us also had a meeting this week to discuss our possible presentation at next years camp/conference, as well as a fundraising plan that we have – both are things I am looking forward to and feeling positive about…. Watch this space!

I have also had a really lovely time getting to know my new friend this week. I have been spoilt with dinner and lunch at work, and had a fabulous day at the beach (even with not so nice weather). It has been fun and interesting and easy, with more plans for the weekend -dinner and a show… and I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes. I’m really trying to let myself enjoy it all and to soak it all up.

There have been blips of anxiety with all of this stuff, but I’m kind of surprised that it’s been ok. Part of me feels like I am waiting for it to kick in hard, but the other part feels like it might be alright. I think I am giving myself permission to just go with whatever I’m feeling – something I have always thought I did, but it’s almost like I actually mean it more now. It’s a weird way to feel, and even weirder to try and explain, and knowing me it will all change again in a couple of weeks anyway… that seems to be the pattern with my anxiety!

So this week has been a bit of a big one for family news. Big things have happened for the boys that have once again highlighted how much we need and miss Claytie. So many times I feel just not quite enough. I am who is left so I have to be, but I am incredibly conscious of what is missing.

My youngest son was nominated for, and won the award for ‘Qld Bread Baking apprentice of the year‘. He started his apprenticeship about 6 or so months after his dad died. We had to talk him into it, he is not great with change – very much like his mother!! But he has done it, and has done it incredibly well. I am so, so bloody proud of him and I know that Claytie would be too. He should still be here, and it is really hard when stuff like this happens to not have him here sharing the cheerleader spot with me.

The other big thing that has happened for us this week, is that the company that the other three boys work for has had to go into voluntary administration. This company has been a turning point for the boys, and it is really sad that this has happened to their employers. It is a FMCG (fast moving consumer goods – Food and beverage) company, something that was Clayties world for the 20 plus years before he started FIFO work.

I try and keep up with the conversations about work, but we all know that Claytie was the perfect person for this topic. He would understand exactly what they are talking about and have all kinds of advice and opinions. I know that he would be incredibly proud of the work the boys have been doing, and it is shit that he’s not here for these conversations. I try, but it’s not the same. I am sure that the boys will be fine, and that everything will work out as it should. They are just sitting tight for right for now waiting to see what happens.

The end of my week took an unexpected (but very pleasant) turn as well. I have been on and off the dating apps again in the last couple of weeks – very half heartedly as you can imagine. I started chatting with someone new and met up for a drink after work without really knowing what to expect, and based on past experience not holding out too much hope; but I was very pleasantly surprised and had a fabulous time! My planned half hour or so turned into about 4 hours of non stop conversation and laughing. It was fun and easy and I’m very much looking forward to a second date!

I’m a bit late with my post this week.. I haven’t really been sure what to write about, and I’ve been unwell so haven’t actually done a whole lot with myself either. I did go out this morning tho to a friends house to be part of filming a mini documentary for First Light Widows Association – a support group and charity that is really close to my heart.

The video is going to be used to raise awareness and money for the organisation so that they can continue to do the fabulous work that they do to support young widowed people in Australia. I have spoken before about the camp/conferences that I have been to and how helpful they have been for me, and of the new friends that I have made through the group. They also have amazing support for newly widowed people and do monthly coffee catch ups to help people connect.

Each of us is on our own journey with grief. It is incredibly personal and individual, but going to First Light events has been super helpful to me. The people in the group have helped me to feel accepted – I am not alone with what I am going through, and my grief has been validated in ways that I have not had in my ‘regular’ world – and that is not meant in anyway to be critical of the amazing people in my world.

I was one of the first people in my social group to become widowed. I absolutely felt like i was the odd one out and that I was navigating this grief stuff entirely on my own until I joined First Light. I am now part of a surprisingly big group of ‘young’ widows and widowers who have a much better understanding of what I am going through because they are going through the same things. There is always someone available to talk with about pretty much anything. There are people who are much further along in their journey who are super encouraging about what comes next and how that feels. There are people at a similar stage to me and we have a whole lot in common with how we’re feeling and what we are doing, like changing friendships or family relationships, dating etc; and then there are the new people and it feels really good to be there for them and offer support to them with their process.

I’m incredibly grateful that I foundFirst Light, I’m honestly not sure how I would be now 3years and 3months after losing Claytie, without the support I have received. I’m also really proud to have been asked to be part of this documentary and am looking forward to seeing it when it is done. The other thing I am starting to look forward to (with some nerves thrown in) is possibly being a co-presenter with one of my new friends at next years camp – watch this space!

This week has been a very quiet one for me. I have been a bit unwell and have spent a whole lot of time wallowing in bed. It’s actually been quite nice to be honest, but I am getting a bit sick of myself and am looking forward to some more beach time coming up when I feel better.

I did meet someone this week whose story brought home again to me just how quickly the life that we know can change. Their person died in a home invasion at the end of last year. This person witnessed the entire event and was also badly hurt in the process. Their home was a crime scene for several days and their children were left to be looked after by neighbours while one parent went to hospital and the other to the morgue. I can’t begin to imagine what that must be like, or how you try and put your life back together after.

In our case ‘mother nature’ was responsible for Claytie dying. A devastating part of life for us, but somehow easier to justify. He had a heart attack. His heart stopped working and he died because that is what nature intended for him. It doesn’t hurt any less, but I can kind of reconcile it in my head. In the case of this family another person broke into their home and used a weapon to kill someone. Something so senseless it is almost impossible to get your head around; and for them the grief process is much less straight forward (and I use that term very very loosely) because they will still have years of court cases and legal matters ahead of them before any kind of justice happens.

I know that grief is not a contest. For everyone that has lost a person, it is the worst thing that has and could ever happen. I would give anything to have Claytie back and for our story to have a different out come, but sometimes you hear about someone else and it just makes you think how much harder things can be. Meeting and hearing this persons story has once again shown me how lucky we have been. I don’t often let myself go to the ‘what if’s’ because I can’t change anything that has happened, but I am so grateful that things happened how they did for us.

I have met a few people now whose person died at the hands of another, and each time hearing it is a shock. It’s the sort of thing you read in the paper or hear in the news, not from and about someone you have met. It almost feels like it can’t be real and I don’t know how the survivors keep going.

Life and death are really hard. We have no control over what gets thrown at us, all we can control is how we react to it. For me finding things to be grateful for has been super helpful. Sometimes those things are easier to see than others, but for me there has always been something. This week I am grateful to have met a new person to include in my circle. I’m grateful to know that a hug can help someone to feel better for a moment and that kindness costs nothing and can mean everything. I’m also grateful to have a job that gives me sick leave so I can wallow at home – and for delivery drivers that will drop stuff at your door when you just want some junk food to make you feel better.