This week has been a tough one. I had a funeral to go to which in itself is not a nice thing to do, but has taken on a whole other range of feelings in my world these days. It is not the first funeral I have attended since Claytie died, but this one hit much harder that I think I had anticipated, and has made for a shaky week of anxiety and tears, which are not unusual for me.

It was a really beautiful service for a fabulous man, and his sons did an amazing job with his story. It was lovely to see how many people were there for it and to see the impact he had on their lives. I am glad to have been able to go and to support my friend and her family on such an important day for them. It was a really hard day tho, being at the same place that we had Clayties service, and with a whole lot of parallels to our story.

The last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster in a whole lot of ways. All the stuff going on with my boys has been hard, and has really highlighted how much I miss and need Claytie. He was always the calm and more level headed one of the two of us, and things were always just a bit less scary with him there to talk me down.

It’s a funny thing… I alway miss Claytie, there is not a time that I don’t, and I probably think or talk about him a million times a day. He was my whole world for such a long time, and he still is in so many ways. I hear his voice in my head all the time, and most of the decisions I make in my life have a huge element of ‘what would he do, or say, or think about it’. It can be a complicated thing, especially in the context of dating someone new… ‘what would Claytie think of this person’ sounds kind of awkward when I say it out loud to myself.

Not much about grief feels very rational tho, and I dont know how else to be with it. Clayties opinion was always the one that counted the most with me and not having it when I need it most is a hard hit to my confidence. I have a whole lot of great people whose opinions I value tremendously, but it is not the same given they know me in a completely different way. So then I go back to over thinking and over analysing everything. I talk myself round and round in circles and the anxiety levels go up. I frustrate myself a whole lot, and it is exhausting.

I’m trying hard to re-learn how to just go with a situation – to take things at face value the way that I always used to. Different things that have happened in the last 3 years have changed how I see situations which is fine to a point, but it is hard work second guessing everything and I don’t like it. I think I just have to go back to embracing ‘it’s is what it is’ and enjoy the ride… because there have been some really really lovely moments to enjoy in the middle of all of this.