Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So this week I went to see a psychic. It is the second time since Claytie died that I have done this. This one was someone I haven’t seen before and I have to say I was pretty impressed. She got a whole lot of things really spot on and even the most cynical person would have to be convinced with the things that she knew. Claytie was never a huge believer in any of this stuff, but for me there are too many things that can’t be explained in any other way, and she knew things that she couldn’t possibly have known.

She was able to give me the reassurances that I have been looking for in a few different areas and I’m amazed at how much more settled I feel about them. I know in myself how Claytie would have felt about all of the different things, but to hear them from someone completely not invested, and delivered in a way that fit with who Claytie was, has been really nice for me. Of course there were tears, it wouldn’t be me without them, but it felt really validating and positive.

In other news, my girlfriend and I found out this week that we are definitely going to be presenting a workshop at Camp Widow this year. Something which is both super exciting and terrifying at the same time. We have been working at putting our presentation together and have a whole lot of things planned for it. hopefully the nerves settle down and I can swivel from terror to fun. … watch this space I guess!?

The other really lovely thing that happened this week, was a family dinner at my mum and dad’s house with all of the boys, their partners, the squish and with my new person. It was exactly the kind of chaos that you would expect from such a big crowd and it was perfect! The food was delicious, the conversations easy and the squish entertained everyone… I loved it! It was just the right way to finish my week and I now feel ready to face whatever this week brings.

Something that you don’t realise at first after your person dies, is how much you miss doing nothing. The quiet moments sitting on the couch with the tv on. Pottering about the house and garden, doing your own thing – but together. Going grocery shopping or buying a small something for your space. Things that you kind of don’t count at the time, but are actually far more important in the big scheme of things that the sparkly exciting things we all post on Facebook or instagram.

It’s exciting going out to new places or away having adventures, and those things absolutely have a place – and I am very much going to enjoy doing more of them. They are the ‘living your life to the fullest’ moments and are magic when they are happening or you have them to look forward to, but it’s the everyday things that I have been missing the most up until now.

This weekend for me – not counting the P!nk concert (which was amazing) was one of those nothing weekends that has been blissful! Watching tv together, napping on the couch, doing some gardening and shopping have given me back something that has been missing in my world since Claytie died. There is something incredibly comforting and soul soothing in the everyday ‘nothing’ stuff that we all take for granted.

It can be really easy to numb yourself by doing everything – I have been doing that with the best of them for the last three and a half years. Saying yes to any and all invitations, and if there are no immediate invitations creating your own events. Staying busy means you can skim over rather than examining in detail the grief things that are hard in your life. It means that you don’t really notice how big the hole is that has been left from not having the day to day stuff.

I am almost as excited about the quiet moments as I am about the big stuff that is happening, and that feels kind of scary at the same time – I have only ever had that with Claytie before now. I feel nervous and excited and very lucky to have it again in my life. I’m really looking forward to more of the ‘nothing’ weekends and the feeling of contentment that they bring.

It has been another big week, but it has been a lovely one! This being my week off – which is always a very nice place to start, I had a couple of days of wallowing and doing chores and then had an adventure, and we all know how much I like those!

For Christmas I gave D a weekend away to a place neither of us have been to before, and we decided this was the perfect week to take it. He had a couple of rostered days off which tied in very nicely with my days off, and so we went. Our destination was Yamba in northern New South Wales about a 4 hour drive away from home. On the way down we stopped at my very favourite spot in Cabarita, to climb the headland and sit and watch the waves for a while. It was beautiful!

Our next stop was at Byron Bay and a walk around the lighthouse. It is a truly beautiful part of the world – although I much prefer the beaches on either side of it! We spent ages watching the stingrays swimming around the rocks, before heading back into town for probably the best fish and chips I’ve ever had!

Another couple of hours down the road and we got to our destination of Yamba and our very nice ocean front accommodation for the next couple of nights. The weather wasn’t the most cooperative, but we made the best of it with a glass of wine and a cheese platter for dinner while listening to the ocean – a very nice way to spend the evening.

Day two had us enjoying brekky on the balcony, before we went for a fabulous walk on the beach. The waves were wild and the wind was blowing and I loved it! We also took ourselves off on a drive through town and ended up at another light house and then a walk along the breakwater with a pod of dolphins for company… you really couldn’t ask for more!

One of my sisters and her husband stopped and had lunch with us on their way to having their own adventure in Tasmania, and after a glorious afternoon nap, we had dinner with a good friend who calls that area home now. It was a seriously relaxing day.

Driving home the next morning, we decided to head into McLean – the self described Scottish town of Australia. D had very high hopes being a Scot himself, and unfortunately was left disappointed! The highlight of the town were the very faded, tartan painted power poles around the place, and the view of the Clarence valley from the lookout… and that’s about it!! The other stop we made was at New Italy – a rest stop on the side of the highway which also disappointed- but we had a pretty good laugh about it!

Lucky for me the day was not a complete dud as we went out to a very romantic Candle light concert at St Stephen’s Cathedral in Brisbane that night. It was one of my Christmas presents and was really beautiful. A very talented string quartet played love songs from various movies with the most incredible sounds and ambience.

It’s hard after such a great week off to head back to the real world, but that’s all part of it right!? I hope your new week brings you some good times and happy moments x

I have recently been ‘arguing’ – if you can call it that, with someone on the internet about a quote that got shared. It went along the lines of society not being fair because of pressure put on grieving people to ‘be more positive’ and ‘finding gratitude’ rather than being allowed to stay sad; and while I absolutely agree that as a whole we don’t do death and grief particularly well in the western world, and that sadness makes people really uncomfortable, I truly believe that positivity and gratitude for what is still around do make the days more bearable.

We all know that life can change in the blink of an eye… good and bad. Obviously for me, my change was enormous! In fact it was probably the biggest one that could ever happen after having my kids. Claytie died with no warning at all. We were in such a good place in our life; the kids were doing well, we had so many plans to travel and we had just had our 25th anniversary. Life was looking sooo good.. and then bang, in the blink of an eye the world that I knew was gone.

It feels like it’s been a super slow journey, in the three and a half years since he has been gone, trying to piece myself back together and figure out what my world looks like now, and I think that the constant work of figuring it out will always be the case for me. I’ve had a wake up call like no other – one that has reinforced how quickly things can and do change. We all know it and say it all the time, but I think until something like this happens to you, it’s all some kind of theory. A hypothetical that happens to other people, and we use it to tell the ‘what if’ horror stories and imagine what we would do ourselves in those situations.

Well the flip side to the bad, nasty, hard blink changes that come are the delightful ones that also come and bring happiness and joy… and I’m so lucky to have had a whole lot of those in my life too. They can be the big and obvious things like my first grandchild and all of the joy that he has brought. I have had travels to places that I have enjoyed tremendously and a whole lot of new and amazing people that have come into my world; but there are also smaller and less obvious things that my day to day life has brought that I’m incredibly grateful for. Im lucky to have a job that I like (even when a 8 hour shift becomes 13 hours to cover sick leave), my kids are doing great things in their lives, and we all have stuff to look forward to! I chose to stand by the fact that positivity and gratitude have made my days not only more bearable, but also happy.

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely had gut wrenching sad days, and I know that they will always be part of my life, but I have them because I was lucky enough to have had Claytie as my world for such a long time. The price that we pay for love is grief – such a cliched saying, but true. In lots of ways I’m grateful for my grief because it is a reflection of my love for Claytie. I’m grateful that loving him has paved the foundations for what comes next and i know that trying to embrace the positives is what he would do… after all, it is what it is, I can’t change what has happened and its up to me how I respond to it.

I had some things come up this week around communication and how important it is. A couple of my widowed friends have had hard conversations with the new people in their world that they needed to talk about with some of us in the same position. Things around family introductions – when and how to do it, significant birthdays and how involved new people in their worlds should be and just life stuff made harder with grief…

Sometimes it is really hard to find the words to adequately describe how you feel about your situation. It’s not that you don’t want a new person to be part of things – you really do! But you also don’t want to ‘hurt’ old people in your life with the new. It’s a complicated thing of knowing you’re not doing anything wrong, but feeling judged at the same time. It’s wanting to enjoy all the new things but also being mindful of that being hard for the family of the person who isn’t here anymore. It can be a mine field of hurt without the right communication – and the right communication looks different for everyone.

I have had some of those hard conversations before too, and I find it really difficult to articulate what I’m feeling in a way that makes sense… because to me none of it does make sense. It’s like there is a rational part of my brain that is very clear that Claytie is gone and not coming back. I need to live the best life I possibly can and find happiness in my new life, but then the emotional part of my brain is so attached to him and my old life that it’s almost like being two seperate people at the same time… and trying to find the words to cover all of that can be really hard. Then you have all the other people in your world that have an interest and whose opinions matter.

I have lost significant people in my world since Claytie died because it seems like my looking for happiness was too hard for them. I understand their grief – absolutely I do, I share it – but I also find it hard and unfair that they can’t see what it looks like from my side. I had no choice in my situation and I am doing the best I can with what’s left of my life. I can totally understand why one of my friends who is in a new relationship has reservations about introducing his new person to his in-laws. He doesn’t want to hurt them when their person is gone, but at the same time wants to be proud of the new someone that has brought happiness back to him. – it’s really hard!

I also know that it is easy from the outside to say other people’s opinions don’t matter and shouldn’t count, that you should just do you…. But that is really hard to do when those opinion have always been important before, and when those people are an important connection to your person!

I have no idea of what’s right and wrong in any of this… I’m constantly winging it, but I do know that Claytie would want me to be as happy as I can be – surely it’s what we all want for our person. So that is the advice I have given… do the things that make you as happy as you can be. Be considerate, but put yourself first. You are the one that has to live your life, you know what feels good and you know what is right in your world. We’re all doing the best we can and that has to be enough.

I’ve always had anxiety in one way or another. For me, I think it started when we came to Australia. It was such a big change with so many unknowns for 11 year old me. I changed school 3 times in primary school, and was always the new kid which I hated, and which is something I have written about before. Meeting Claytie gave me a sense of security and safety and settled things down a whole lot. Since he died, that anxiety is back with a vengeance and is a constant presence in my world that I have needed to find a way to live with it.

Mindfulness is something I have been trying to practice since Claytie died. It is not just meditation, although that does help to focus it, but rather it is being aware of each moment and each emotion as they happen and embracing them for what they are. It takes some of the power out of the emotion and is something I try to use around my anxiety – it definitely helps.

It can be hard to slow down and notice things in a busy world. I try to take the time to experience my environment with all of my senses — touch, sound, sight, smell and taste. Sometimes that can be easier said than done, the business of life can absolutely take over, but if you can do it, living in the moment is something that helps. It is about trying to intentionally bringing an open, accepting and discerning attention to everything you do. Finding joy in simple pleasures. Accepting yourself and all of your quirks. Treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. When you have negative thoughts, trying to sit down, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes. Sitting and breathing for even just a minute can help calm things, and is something I do often, especially at work.

For me, I find that often it’s a case of talking about it out loud too. I acknowledge my anxiety and I try to analyse why I am feeling the way that I am. Sometimes I will go to the worst case scenario and give myself solutions – what should I do/say if this happens, how will I react if that happens, and by doing that I take some of the sting out of it. I have a plan and that makes me feel better. – I do have to say that I don’t often need to use it, but I definitely feel better having it!

Like anything, theory and reality don’t always match up. My brain will often go to all kinds of places before I can coral my thoughts again, but I know that I feel better if I am being mindful. This week marks three and a half years since Claytie died and my body remembered before my brain did. Sometimes emotional anniversaries sneak in and heighten the anxiety, but I’m letting myself sit with it and feel what I need to feel. And just like in those early days it’s one minute and one step at a time, one day at a time… it’s all part of my process, and I will get there.

I had a message from someone quite unexpected this week – one of those ones that comes completely out of left field and leaves a you a little bit perplexed. Why that person and why now? But it was the content of the message that has had me really thinking. They said “I’m glad you found some happiness again Robbie!” – and it has been the thought of finding happiness in the midst of grieving that has occupied my mind.

Staying in the “heaviness” of grief without shifting to some “lightness” is a profoundly uncomfortable way of being. You have to feel the all encompassing weight of the grief – it’s important and anyway, how can you not?! Someone who was my whole life has died. I will miss him forever, and he will always be part of my world, but I remember saying to my mum not long after Claytie died that I didn’t want to be a sad person for the rest of my life. It is not who I am and it is absolutely not who Claytie was.

Finding happiness has been a huge process, and is something that I work on every day. My entire world has changed, both with Claytie dying and with the other losses that circle that crater. The family and friends that have distanced themselves from us and the impact that has had, are things that I wasn’t any more prepared for than I was for Claytie dying. The changes that have happened at work and in my social circle have added to reshaping me as a person. Sometimes this has felt like a constant barrage of loss. It is hard and confusing and unpleasant and sad. It is not something I would wish on anyone else, but it seems to be what happens when your person dies.

I know quite a few people who can’t see past their grief, who are stuck in the ‘why did this happen to me’ loop, unable to get past feeling like a victim of the circumstances that brought them here. I don’t want to be that person – I can’t be, and Claytie wouldn’t let me be, so I work hard to find happiness. Everyday I have a choice to make, and mine is to try to be happy, to find things that bring some light into my world- and that makes it sound easier than it is. Some days it is impossible to pull myself out of the grief hole, but I can’t let myself stay there for too long either.

There is a lot in my world to be happy about and be grateful for. I have amazing kids and a fabulous family who are always there when I need them, but finding happiness can be as simple as a cup of tea in bed before work, or as obvious as a couple of hours with my grand-squish- getting kisses and cuddles and the best smiles in the world. It can be a sunrise at the beach on my own, or a funny conversation with a friend. It can be the excitement of a big trip planned with a new person in my world. Life happens whether you want it to or not – you have no choice in that. What you can choose is how you respond to it.

I chose everyday to respond in a way that I think Claytie would be proud of. I am never going to not miss him and no one could ever take his place, but I have room in my heart for a whole lot of people and experiences and I have room to be happy! There is a hopefulness in finding happiness. A feeling that life can and will be happy again, and that is something that can only come from within. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and look for it. I’m living my life the best way I know how and I’m doing it for both of us…. I’m finding happy.

This week has been a weird one for me. Back at work after a lovely break for new years has brought with it some anxiety. It’s the beginning of a whole new year without Claytie in it, and my world is looking more and more different all the time. Not all of that is a bad thing, there are a lot of things that bring me a lot of joy, but it’s all an adjustment. There are so many things happening that I just want to tell him about – but almost all of them wouldn’t be happening if he was still here. It is very much a double edged sword!

My friend from the widows support group and I have been putting our heads together to work on our possible presentation at Camp for this year. It has been really good but also kind of scary. We would be talking to up to 100 people potentially and for as long as 75-90 minutes! That’s a lot of planning to do! It is not entirely locked in yet, but we’re treating it as though it is and making something that we’re pretty proud of.

We are looking to find someone to sponsor our presentation, so that we can give the people attending something to take away that will help to focus the message we’re wanting to send. – Feel free to get in touch if you think that could be you or your work place, I’m happy to talk about our plans with you! We also have another project in the works with quite a tight deadline which will keep us very busy! Hopefully we can make both things happen!

In other big news, I will be heading overseas later this year! Something that is both super exciting and also really scary! Last time I went to Germany was with Claytie and we had the most fabulous holiday. It was the year before he died, and it was one of the best things we ever did together. I love looking at all of the photos from our trip and remembering all of the fun that we had. It’s hard to think that I’ll be going over without him, but at the same time, travelling is absolutely what I want to do! I want to go everywhere and see and do everything, so I have to roll with it and feel the nerves to get to the excitement.

This trip will be with my new person, and we will be seeing all kinds of stuff that I have not seen before, as well as some familiar places. Our plan is to visit Singapore, England and Scotland and then some time in Germany! A whole month of adventuring toward the end of the year. I was always planning to do a big trip this year, initially on my own but meeting up with various friends in different places. We still plan on catching up with my friends, and I can’t wait for them to show us their favourite spots!

It feels real now…. Airfares have been bought and we’re locking in an itinerary of things to do and see! I know that with the way time seems to fly these days, it will be here before we know it! Fingers crossed my anxieties play nice between now and then!

Wow… another year finished, and it’s been a big one! It seems crazy and surreal that so many things can happen in a relatively short time frame – 365 days really does go by in a flash! It’s pretty amazing to look back over the last year and to think about all of the things that have happened and changed – both good and bad.

Everyday I am reminded how lucky I have been in my life. I have the most amazing support network around me, holding the boys and I up when we have needed it most. We have had important people come and go from our world which has rocked us, but we have become much closer for it. We all miss Claytie everyday, but how lucky were we to have had him for as long as we did. He was the very best husband and father and I am so lucky that he was my world for such a long time.

This year we have all been enjoying watching the Squish grow up and learn the world. That too has been both incredibly fabulous and bittersweet. Seeing the world through the eyes of a new human is fascinating.. everything is an amazing discovery and I’m sad that Claytie isnt here with us to experience it. He would love every minute and I know that they would have the cutest relationship. I can’t wait to see how his personality develops and I’m excited to hear him talk and learn more about the world around him.

I’m so grateful for my boys and the amazing men that they have become. I’m so very very proud of them and I know that Claytie would be too. They have been through some really hard stuff in the last three years and they haven’t let it make them bitter and angry. They have a whole lot of their fathers ‘it is what it is’ attitude, which is a fabulous thing and I love watching them live their best lives.

I am amazed that another year has flown past and I’m proud of myself for not just getting through it but finding so many moments of joy as well. All of it is bittersweet, but I know it is what Claytie would want for me and I know that I am ok! Right now I am being spoiled, spending the last weekend of 2023 sitting on a pier in Hervey Bay having a picnic with a fabulous human and it doesn’t feel real. Im nervously looking forward to seeing how this develops and what this next new becomes.

My wishes for all of you are that the new year brings with it joyful adventures, amazing moments with fabulous people and new memories that will make you smile. Thank you for being part of my world I’m so grateful to have you here xx

Well, here we are again at the festive end of the year, facing Christmas. I have spent most of this week trying to tame the crazy that my life seems to be! I have written a gazillion lists and tried – not particularly successfully to get on top of things.

I’m pretty sure I have been to the shops every day on my way home from work, and started a new list as I’m unpacking that days purchases because of all the forgotten things! My kids are getting very uninspired gifts for Christmas which I do feel a little bit bad about, but in the words of Claytie – ‘it is what it is!’ The Squish has got several gifts under the tree, which were purchased and wrapped with the most enthusiasm, so I’m taking that as a win!

I am looking forward to our traditional family feast on Christmas Eve, and my very sensational breakfast on Christmas morning. The boys will head off and spend time with their partners families and my afternoon will be spent at work. Boxing Day will be all kinds of fun with whoever wants to come and hang out at our place… eating, drinking and talking rubbish, but the best kind of fun!

I hope whatever the day looks like for you, that there are some fun filled moments with people that bring joy to your world, plenty of good food and drinks and a whole lot of happy memories created. If you’re missing special people this year, I wish for you that their memories make you smile and the fun stories about them make you laugh.

From my family to yours, thank you so much for being part of our world and sharing the chaos that this all is with us. Wishing you all a happy Merry Christmas xx