Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

I had a message from someone quite unexpected this week – one of those ones that comes completely out of left field and leaves a you a little bit perplexed. Why that person and why now? But it was the content of the message that has had me really thinking. They said “I’m glad you found some happiness again Robbie!” – and it has been the thought of finding happiness in the midst of grieving that has occupied my mind.

Staying in the “heaviness” of grief without shifting to some “lightness” is a profoundly uncomfortable way of being. You have to feel the all encompassing weight of the grief – it’s important and anyway, how can you not?! Someone who was my whole life has died. I will miss him forever, and he will always be part of my world, but I remember saying to my mum not long after Claytie died that I didn’t want to be a sad person for the rest of my life. It is not who I am and it is absolutely not who Claytie was.

Finding happiness has been a huge process, and is something that I work on every day. My entire world has changed, both with Claytie dying and with the other losses that circle that crater. The family and friends that have distanced themselves from us and the impact that has had, are things that I wasn’t any more prepared for than I was for Claytie dying. The changes that have happened at work and in my social circle have added to reshaping me as a person. Sometimes this has felt like a constant barrage of loss. It is hard and confusing and unpleasant and sad. It is not something I would wish on anyone else, but it seems to be what happens when your person dies.

I know quite a few people who can’t see past their grief, who are stuck in the ‘why did this happen to me’ loop, unable to get past feeling like a victim of the circumstances that brought them here. I don’t want to be that person – I can’t be, and Claytie wouldn’t let me be, so I work hard to find happiness. Everyday I have a choice to make, and mine is to try to be happy, to find things that bring some light into my world- and that makes it sound easier than it is. Some days it is impossible to pull myself out of the grief hole, but I can’t let myself stay there for too long either.

There is a lot in my world to be happy about and be grateful for. I have amazing kids and a fabulous family who are always there when I need them, but finding happiness can be as simple as a cup of tea in bed before work, or as obvious as a couple of hours with my grand-squish- getting kisses and cuddles and the best smiles in the world. It can be a sunrise at the beach on my own, or a funny conversation with a friend. It can be the excitement of a big trip planned with a new person in my world. Life happens whether you want it to or not – you have no choice in that. What you can choose is how you respond to it.

I chose everyday to respond in a way that I think Claytie would be proud of. I am never going to not miss him and no one could ever take his place, but I have room in my heart for a whole lot of people and experiences and I have room to be happy! There is a hopefulness in finding happiness. A feeling that life can and will be happy again, and that is something that can only come from within. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and look for it. I’m living my life the best way I know how and I’m doing it for both of us…. I’m finding happy.

This week has been a weird one for me. Back at work after a lovely break for new years has brought with it some anxiety. It’s the beginning of a whole new year without Claytie in it, and my world is looking more and more different all the time. Not all of that is a bad thing, there are a lot of things that bring me a lot of joy, but it’s all an adjustment. There are so many things happening that I just want to tell him about – but almost all of them wouldn’t be happening if he was still here. It is very much a double edged sword!

My friend from the widows support group and I have been putting our heads together to work on our possible presentation at Camp for this year. It has been really good but also kind of scary. We would be talking to up to 100 people potentially and for as long as 75-90 minutes! That’s a lot of planning to do! It is not entirely locked in yet, but we’re treating it as though it is and making something that we’re pretty proud of.

We are looking to find someone to sponsor our presentation, so that we can give the people attending something to take away that will help to focus the message we’re wanting to send. – Feel free to get in touch if you think that could be you or your work place, I’m happy to talk about our plans with you! We also have another project in the works with quite a tight deadline which will keep us very busy! Hopefully we can make both things happen!

In other big news, I will be heading overseas later this year! Something that is both super exciting and also really scary! Last time I went to Germany was with Claytie and we had the most fabulous holiday. It was the year before he died, and it was one of the best things we ever did together. I love looking at all of the photos from our trip and remembering all of the fun that we had. It’s hard to think that I’ll be going over without him, but at the same time, travelling is absolutely what I want to do! I want to go everywhere and see and do everything, so I have to roll with it and feel the nerves to get to the excitement.

This trip will be with my new person, and we will be seeing all kinds of stuff that I have not seen before, as well as some familiar places. Our plan is to visit Singapore, England and Scotland and then some time in Germany! A whole month of adventuring toward the end of the year. I was always planning to do a big trip this year, initially on my own but meeting up with various friends in different places. We still plan on catching up with my friends, and I can’t wait for them to show us their favourite spots!

It feels real now…. Airfares have been bought and we’re locking in an itinerary of things to do and see! I know that with the way time seems to fly these days, it will be here before we know it! Fingers crossed my anxieties play nice between now and then!

Wow… another year finished, and it’s been a big one! It seems crazy and surreal that so many things can happen in a relatively short time frame – 365 days really does go by in a flash! It’s pretty amazing to look back over the last year and to think about all of the things that have happened and changed – both good and bad.

Everyday I am reminded how lucky I have been in my life. I have the most amazing support network around me, holding the boys and I up when we have needed it most. We have had important people come and go from our world which has rocked us, but we have become much closer for it. We all miss Claytie everyday, but how lucky were we to have had him for as long as we did. He was the very best husband and father and I am so lucky that he was my world for such a long time.

This year we have all been enjoying watching the Squish grow up and learn the world. That too has been both incredibly fabulous and bittersweet. Seeing the world through the eyes of a new human is fascinating.. everything is an amazing discovery and I’m sad that Claytie isnt here with us to experience it. He would love every minute and I know that they would have the cutest relationship. I can’t wait to see how his personality develops and I’m excited to hear him talk and learn more about the world around him.

I’m so grateful for my boys and the amazing men that they have become. I’m so very very proud of them and I know that Claytie would be too. They have been through some really hard stuff in the last three years and they haven’t let it make them bitter and angry. They have a whole lot of their fathers ‘it is what it is’ attitude, which is a fabulous thing and I love watching them live their best lives.

I am amazed that another year has flown past and I’m proud of myself for not just getting through it but finding so many moments of joy as well. All of it is bittersweet, but I know it is what Claytie would want for me and I know that I am ok! Right now I am being spoiled, spending the last weekend of 2023 sitting on a pier in Hervey Bay having a picnic with a fabulous human and it doesn’t feel real. Im nervously looking forward to seeing how this develops and what this next new becomes.

My wishes for all of you are that the new year brings with it joyful adventures, amazing moments with fabulous people and new memories that will make you smile. Thank you for being part of my world I’m so grateful to have you here xx

Well, here we are again at the festive end of the year, facing Christmas. I have spent most of this week trying to tame the crazy that my life seems to be! I have written a gazillion lists and tried – not particularly successfully to get on top of things.

I’m pretty sure I have been to the shops every day on my way home from work, and started a new list as I’m unpacking that days purchases because of all the forgotten things! My kids are getting very uninspired gifts for Christmas which I do feel a little bit bad about, but in the words of Claytie – ‘it is what it is!’ The Squish has got several gifts under the tree, which were purchased and wrapped with the most enthusiasm, so I’m taking that as a win!

I am looking forward to our traditional family feast on Christmas Eve, and my very sensational breakfast on Christmas morning. The boys will head off and spend time with their partners families and my afternoon will be spent at work. Boxing Day will be all kinds of fun with whoever wants to come and hang out at our place… eating, drinking and talking rubbish, but the best kind of fun!

I hope whatever the day looks like for you, that there are some fun filled moments with people that bring joy to your world, plenty of good food and drinks and a whole lot of happy memories created. If you’re missing special people this year, I wish for you that their memories make you smile and the fun stories about them make you laugh.

From my family to yours, thank you so much for being part of our world and sharing the chaos that this all is with us. Wishing you all a happy Merry Christmas xx

This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster again. It was my week off work, which is always nice, but I ended up feeling quite overwhelmed with everything I had to do.

My problem, especially at this time of the year is that I find myself over committing to a bunch of social things and then losing the motivation to do the things that I have to do, all of which leads to a teary, anxiety riddled breakdown. I did the very same thing last year too and told myself that I would set myself better boundaries this year – clearly that didn’t work.

I am behind on my Christmas shopping, and wrapping, and cooking… and then overwhelmed with the list of things that I still have to do. I’m not entirely sure that it will all get done – the gingerbread definitely won’t haha, but I will plug away at it and do my best!

I am looking forward to Christmas, although this year looks different for us again. There have been quite a lot of changes in the last three and a half years, and missing Claytie is definitely a huge part of that. This year there is a location change for my families celebration, my sister has offered to host at her place in Laidley instead of it being at my parents house. For the first time ever I am working on Christmas Day – although my traditional Brekky will still happen in the morning – the baked beans are just too good to miss out on, and other family catch ups will also be very different this year which is another adjustment to get through. I’m such a creature of routine (or just very very German) that all the changes are adding to my anxiety.

On the upside, I’ve done a lot of very nice social things in the last week. I went to the beach to catch up with one of my friends, had a very nice dinner with someone special, spent a day driving to Redcliffe to drop off some mobility aids for a friend who hurt herself (get better soon MA) and had a sing along with 7000 people at pub choir. I had drinks with a bunch of friends at a craft brewery and finished the weekend at the beach catching up with another friend. The Squish has been over a couple of times to swim in my pool – and that is always the best thing. Socially my cup is very full!

I know all of the stuff that worries me will be fine, it always is, and I know that it’s ok to take a minute and let the emotions hit. This is all part of the chaos that happens in my world. Hopefully this next week is kind to me, and my organisational skills are on point! The count down is on… we can do this!

So I may have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started seeing someone and it has been really, really lovely. The first time we met was for a drink after work – that I very nearly cancelled!

It was a Friday afternoon, I had a million things I was supposed to do and it was raining! My thoughts were that it would be just another bad first date, with no chance of a second. My enthusiasm level was pretty low to be honest, but I figured it was only across the road and I could do a half hour or so! We sat and talked for about three hours that day, have not stopped talking since and it has been great.

We see each other most mornings before work (he works next door to where I work) and share a cuppa.. it’s a really nice way to start the day. We have been to see shows together and have had quiet nights on the couch. I’ve taken him to my favourite spot on the beach and we have more of those days planned. He has met some of my kids and I have met one of his (he has a daughter and a son that are similar ages to my boys). It has been a fabulous time getting to know each other so far, and I’m really enjoying the process.

The other day I got a notification on Facebook that he wanted to update our relationship details and I have to say that I totally freaked out. I’m absolutely happy to say that we are in a relationship, but the Facebook thing threw me for a loop. As much as most of my life is an open book, somehow I’m not a big fan of social media relationship updates – not counting engagements or weddings etc but more the ‘I’ve got a partner’ ones (I hope that makes sense)

Somehow in my head even thinking about such a public post felt like a betrayal of Claytie. It is such a contradictory way to feel- even though I know that I am not doing anything I shouldn’t, and that Claytie would absolutely want me to be happy and living my life to the fullest, he is still such a huge part of me and my life that it just felt wrong. It was an almost visceral reaction, and it is really hard to explain.

It took me a bit of time (and a very teary confused conversation with the fellow in question) to figure out that I absolutely still think of myself as married to Claytie. I know I’m not cheating or doing anything wrong, I know that I’m allowed to move on and find happiness again, albeit it completely differently to how my life was before…but there is still a weird place in my head about what that looks like in the real world and about how fast it goes.

I actually put it to the Widows support group and thankfully had some lovely responses that let me know I’m not the only one to feel that way. I heard from people who have been on this journey for much longer than me (5-10years) and who have re-partnered, who still find themselves confused about their feelings. I’m starting to think that maybe it isn’t so much about a chapter two as much as it is starting a whole new book. Some of the characters are the same, but it is an entirely different story and that takes a whole lot of getting used to.

I guess this is just another case of ‘it is what it is’ and navigating the new. Bumps in the road that tip me off course a little bit and stir up all sorts of feelings. All I can do is keep being honest about what all of this looks and feels like and taking it one day at a time. … and continuing to be grateful for the amazing people in my world that are helping me through it xx

This week has been one for celebrating one of my very favourite humans. My little squish, my first grandson has just turned one. I can’t believe we have had him for a whole year already. It feels like he was only born yesterday, and at the same time it’s like he has been here forever.

Poor little man was really unwell at the start of the week with a fever and a rash and an ear ache – the joys of being a toddler in daycare! I got to spend a couple of hours with him on Monday and Tuesday while his parents did what they had to at work – luckily it’s been my week for days off! I think there’s almost nothing sadder than a sick and miserable baby, and he was absolutely that! Thankfully a visit to the doctor and some antibiotics meant he was feeling a whole lot better for his birthday and party!

I love seeing all of my boys interact with him… they are besotted and it’s a constant fight for who gets his attention. It is such a nice thing to see, but also bittersweet because Claytie should be here too, playing the fool and making the Squish laugh. I know absolutely that they would adore each other. Claytie was always the biggest kid anytime there were small people around, playing with them and handing out treats. He had such an easy way with people no matter what their age, but kids were always his favourite, and I know for sure that the Squish would be top of his list!

I love that the boys all have a whole lot of that in them too. They have always been so lovely with little people – to the point that it has often been commented on. It’s what they have always seen their Dad do, so it seems only natural that they do it too – younger cousins, family friends and now with their nephew. I know that one of my boys will often message his brother to see if he and the Squish can have a coffee date on the weekend, and there is always disappointment if Squish comes for a visit at our place when Boys are not at home.

I’m looking forward to the next (bittersweet) year of watching the Squish grow up. It’s such a fun thing seeing his personality develop and watching him engage with and explore the world around him. He is the happiest little human (except when he’s sick) and I can’t wait for him to start talking – I am really hoping that he comes up with his own nicknames for his Granny (that’s me!) and for his uncles. I love the joy that he has brought into our world!

Happy Birthday Squish x

I have had a couple of conversations this week with different people that I found really frustrating and challenging. Mostly I try and just let stuff that I think is pretty ignorant slide – it’s not worth the argument and more often than not people are coming from a place of good will… but sometimes it just pisses me off and I need to vent.

I’m not a poster child for what this grief stuff looks like. All I can do is speak about my experience, and from all of the conversations I have had with a whole bunch of different widowed people, I can tell you that while we have all lost our person, we are all very different in our approach to our loss. Some people sit in their grief bubble for a long time and feel like the world is against them, some have a million regrets and unfulfilled wishes that make this journey so much more difficult for them. Others try to put it to the side and pretend they are ok and socialise constantly so that they are not alone. I know of people that have taken themselves right out of their world and travel to find themselves and to figure out what their new world looks like… there is no right or wrong or one size fits all approach to this stuff.

I think a lot of people in my life look at my situation and automatically try to put me into a sort of victim category, which I hate!! Yes I had something really difficult and awful happen in my world. My husband, the love of my life died way too young, and it has been all kinds of shit; but I don’t chose to see myself as a victim at all. This stuff happens to everyone at some point in their lives, whether it is a parent, spouse, child, family member or friend. The one and only guarantee that we get in life is that it will come to an end. If we are really lucky that ending comes at a ripe old age and with no regrets – but that isn’t part of the guarantee either!

I know that it is human nature to look at someone else’s situation and compare it to your own. We all do that, and often it makes us feel so much better about where we are at. We all do the hypothetical of what if it were me – but I really don’t want to be seen as a victim. I don’t want to be the recipient of comments like ‘poor you’, ‘your life looks so sad’ or ‘omg I feel so sorry for you’. I actually think, all things considered, that I’m doing pretty well with my life, and absolutely I have been so, so lucky! There isn’t a day that I don’t miss or think about Claytie… there never will be, but I certainly don’t feel like a victim and I am absolutely allowed to chose to find things in my new world that bring me happiness.

The other thing that came up through the week and one that I really, really hate, is having my situation compared to a divorce or separation. I haven’t been through either of those, but I can 100% guarantee that the death of your person is in no way like making a conscious decision to change your situation. I had no choice in what happened to us, and in an ideal world I would still be happily with Claytie, planning our retirement and the rest of our lives together.

The things that people see of my world now, the things I share here in this blog , and in general – dating and going out, having adventures and meeting people are for the most part about filling in time and trying to let myself feel ok about what is left of my life. It is in no way better than what I had, it is not a trade off… it is me trying to survive! Yes, I don’t have anyone to answer to about the choices that I make… but I absolutely bloody wish that I did!!

I’m doing the best I can, the only way that I know how… one day at a time, one step at a time. I try and do the things that make me feel ok. I spend time with people that give me positive energy and that boost me. I have had to establish new boundaries and protect my energy from people who drain it. I am much more black and white than I used to be, and I’m ok with it. I’m open about what all of this stuff is like to live with for me, but please, please don’t ever think it is easy, or easier than being with my person!

This week has been a good one, which is not to say that there wasn’t anxiety (there always is!) but rather that it’s been manageable. It was my week of days off which is always amazing! I pinch myself often at how fabulous my current roster is and how lucky I am! It seems that the boys are all back to gainfully employed as of this week too.. another thing to be grateful for!

At the start of the week I wasn’t too sure what I would be doing with my days off, and ended up thoroughly enjoying pottering around the house and garden. I had brekky with a couple of friends one morning and had hoped to catch up with a friend at Caloundra, but covid ended up spoiling those plans – it did lead to some laugh out loud tik tok videos from her tho!

On the not so fun side, one of the boys has some health concerns and will need to see a cardiologist… something I am trying to get my head around and not worry about too much, but is absolutely sitting at the back of my head. Hopefully it will be a relatively simple fix! I really want all of the boys to get thoroughly checked out – there is a huge risk from both sides of the family, but without actual symptoms the doctors won’t do a whole lot because of their ages and fitness levels.

The end of my week has turned out to be much busier that the start. Coffee with some of my widow friends at Scarborough enjoying to water views, and a jewellery making class which was fabulous. What a super fun way to spend an afternoon, and I have two new pieces of bling to wear.

I also caught up and had dinner with friends from Highschool which was lovely. We have all known each other for such a long time, 30+ years. We have been to each others weddings, had a million play dates when the kids were little and are now comparing stories of grand babies – and seeing them without Claytie is really hard. They are people that were in his year level at school and knew him long before I did, he should have been there with me, talking shit and reminiscing. I nearly didn’t go… but I’m so glad I did because I had a great time.

My favourite thing this week tho, was being surprised with a beautiful night away at Mount Tambourine, spending time with and getting to know better a fabulous new-to-my-world person. I felt very spoilt and looked after, and that is a really nice feeling to have, and something that I haven’t really had since Claytie. I would be lying if I said that I have no anxiety about it, but I am trying really hard to just appreciate each moment as it happens.

This week has been a tough one. I had a funeral to go to which in itself is not a nice thing to do, but has taken on a whole other range of feelings in my world these days. It is not the first funeral I have attended since Claytie died, but this one hit much harder that I think I had anticipated, and has made for a shaky week of anxiety and tears, which are not unusual for me.

It was a really beautiful service for a fabulous man, and his sons did an amazing job with his story. It was lovely to see how many people were there for it and to see the impact he had on their lives. I am glad to have been able to go and to support my friend and her family on such an important day for them. It was a really hard day tho, being at the same place that we had Clayties service, and with a whole lot of parallels to our story.

The last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster in a whole lot of ways. All the stuff going on with my boys has been hard, and has really highlighted how much I miss and need Claytie. He was always the calm and more level headed one of the two of us, and things were always just a bit less scary with him there to talk me down.

It’s a funny thing… I alway miss Claytie, there is not a time that I don’t, and I probably think or talk about him a million times a day. He was my whole world for such a long time, and he still is in so many ways. I hear his voice in my head all the time, and most of the decisions I make in my life have a huge element of ‘what would he do, or say, or think about it’. It can be a complicated thing, especially in the context of dating someone new… ‘what would Claytie think of this person’ sounds kind of awkward when I say it out loud to myself.

Not much about grief feels very rational tho, and I dont know how else to be with it. Clayties opinion was always the one that counted the most with me and not having it when I need it most is a hard hit to my confidence. I have a whole lot of great people whose opinions I value tremendously, but it is not the same given they know me in a completely different way. So then I go back to over thinking and over analysing everything. I talk myself round and round in circles and the anxiety levels go up. I frustrate myself a whole lot, and it is exhausting.

I’m trying hard to re-learn how to just go with a situation – to take things at face value the way that I always used to. Different things that have happened in the last 3 years have changed how I see situations which is fine to a point, but it is hard work second guessing everything and I don’t like it. I think I just have to go back to embracing ‘it’s is what it is’ and enjoy the ride… because there have been some really really lovely moments to enjoy in the middle of all of this.