Today I have been sitting and reflecting. It’s Clayties birthday this week. He would be 53. I should be getting things organised for a family dinner on the day to celebrate him, but instead I’m sitting in a very quiet house thinking about how much I miss him. For whatever reason, his birthday feels like the hardest of all my hard dates this year.

The last six years have seen me become a whole new person, and the challenge of figuring out who that is has been huge…. I am not sure it is done yet. There have been a million life lessons and experiences, a whole lot of travel and different relationships with a whole bunch of ‘new’ and ‘old’ people to navigate. I have learned so much about myself, and for the most part I am feeling much steadier than I did; but every so often I stop and think: I wonder if Claytie would recognise me now.

I also keep thinking of all the things that he is missing out on. His boys and the grand babies and all of the amazing things that they are doing with their lives. The fabulous people that they have all become. He would be super proud of all of them. I know he would love to see his friends and catch up with their lives, and of course his family whose grief has meant that I no longer have them in my world.

I’ve actually quite enjoyed (not sure that is the right word!?) being able to take the time to reflect. I feel like I am a whole lot more comfortable sitting with the hard emotions these days, but I know too that there is an ugly cry coming up… I’ve been teetering on the edge of it for a while now, and when it comes I will let it. I did decide the other day that I want to go whale watching in his actual birthday. I want to mark the day by doing something I love, and although we never got to do it together, I’m pretty sure he would love it too.

So that is the plan. An early start on what I am sure will be a cold morning, and some glorious nature to put me back in my place as a speck in the universe. Mother Nature has a great way of giving perspective… and that is something that always makes me happy. I am forever grateful that I got to have my favourite person for as long as I did. It is what it is, and I am who I am and I will do what I will do to celebrate him properly on his day.