I tried really hard not to go to sleep last night because I didn’t want the nightmare to come… but it did; and just like that you’ve been gone for 6 years.

I wonder if you would recognise me now. How much of the same person is still inside – because half the time I don’t recognise myself. So much has happened in the 6 years since you died. The boys and I have learned and done so many things and changed in a million little ways, and all of them because of you.

We’re doing ok… the boys are amazing people. They are happy and achieving big things in their lives. I know that you would be super proud of them. We are all doing our best to live our lives with the you sized hole that is always there… it’s hard!

I know you’ve been around us lately… there have been all kinds of signs. I hope that they mean positive things… I have to believe that they do!

The Squish was over here just yesterday and wanted to play dress ups in your hi-vis shirts… the really ugly orange and green ones that we used to laugh about… it made me smile! We were all sooo proud of you when you won the huge award (world wide) for that company! They all saw how amazing you were too!

Tonight we’re doing our ritual to remember you… ‘Catfood casserole’ with iced coffee and pavlova for after. We’ll scratch scratchies and no one will win anything big… but we’ll laugh about how funny you always were about giving them to people. Well drink your iced coffee- all of us thinking how nasty it tastes – me especially! – and we will miss you that much harder cause you’re not here for us to tease!

The hole you left hasn’t shrunk at all. It’s still just as big and just as empty. But we’re doing our best to live big lives that make you proud. You were always the best. You still are! … but as you always said, it is what it is and we have to keep going. I love you Bubby xx