So this weekend I realised (again) just how much of a creature of habit I am… when something works in my world I tend to just stick with it and not look too far outside of that – including where I park my car each day, so I don’t lose it, and how I stack the shopping trolley (my early working days were spent as a check out chick at a supermarket, so it just makes sense!). I’ve always been like that I think because in a whole lot of ways it helps me to control my anxiety.

My weekend started with all kinds of planned things including a seafood festival in Manly, which was lovely! We got there early and had a glass of Prosecco overlooking the harbour and admiring all the boats. Thankfully the rain stayed away and it was actually a beautiful day! Then onto prawns and oysters, which we managed to eat a whole lot of between us!

I got an introduction to the world of horse racing and betting – apparently it was a big race day in Queensland with the Stradbroke Handicap being run – something new for me, and yes we did pick the winner! I got to meet some really lovely people (friends of my new person N) who spend a lot of time in the racing world, and were happy to answer my million questions. We ended up at my N’s friends house for dinner and drinks, which then turned into an impromptu sleep over – and this is where my routine got completely thrown!

Since Claytie died, I have journaled about my world every single night before bed. It’s not usually anything hugely inspiring, just kind of unloading my day to get it out of my head before I sleep. When Claytie was working away, we would always talk last thing at night before bed, and for me now the journaling has taken the place of that phone call. So to have an impromptu sleep over meant that I did not have my journal with me (or anything else for that matter), and it kind of threw me a bit. It highlighted to me how stuck I am in my routines, because there was actually a bit of anxiety and panic around not having my things with me, particularly the journal, and not being prepared.

I think used to be much better with flexibility around spontaneous plans, but so much changed and has felt out of control since Claytie died, that the routines help me to feel a bit more in control; and in terms of anxiety, I’ve always thought through situations to figure out best and worst case scenarios to be prepared either way, so to have this impromptu situation come up caused a spike. I’m not too good with surprises and would always rather have an idea of a plan to start with. It sounds a bit silly when I say all of that out loud… but it is what it is!

For the most part. I’m actually pretty ok with having my set ways of doing things.. they make sense to me (especially the car parking and shopping trolley!), but I do think that maybe I can learn to let go a little bit more often and just relax. I had a really lovely time with some new people and I caught up with my journal the next night, with a whole lot more to say that I might have done other wise, and the world kept turning anyway.