This week has been incredibly quiet with me catching whatever this years nasty winter bug is. The boys have all had it too, so it was just a matter of time before I caught it. I have spent a whole lot of time either on the couch or in bed wallowing in misery and feeling very sorry for myself! I get incredibly sick of myself, incredibly quickly whenever I get sick, and it’s always a pity party … haha

I also had a bit of a lesson this week. The boys all went off for the weekend in northern NSW as a belated birthday camping trip. There was a whole lot of planning and excitement around it, tents and swags were purchased and borrowed, eskies pulled out from all sorts of corners and big discussions around who was leaving when.

At about 5.30 on Friday afternoon I got a phone call from one of the boys to say his car had broken down 2 hours from home with an hour to hour to get to the campsite. Poor reception at the campsite meant he couldn’t get hold of the other boys (who had all been drinking by this time anyway) and he was stuck, and a bit unsure about what to do. My immediate reaction was to suggest driving to him, because I have this huge need to fix everything for everybody, no matter that I was incredibly unwell, and that it was the least practical thing I could have done…. The suggestion was (rightly) shot down and I stayed in bed.

He ended up finding a mechanic who could do a a quick diagnostic and very short term patch up, booking a motel for the night and a plan to reassess the following day. Morning saw us come up with a ‘salvage the weekend solution’ of getting one of the other boys to pick him up to go camping, and organising a tow truck to get the car back to Brisbane.

The lesson for me (pointed out to me by my mum) was that the person in question (in fact all of the boys) is actually a fully functioning adult, who is well able to make his own decisions and solve his own problems. Yes he called me for advice, but I need to trust that all of them are able to do all kinds of things without me stepping in. That’s actually quite a hard thing for me to acknowledge and deal with.

I am a fixer… I have this need to make sure that everything is alright for everybody at all times. I’m not entirely sure where that has come from or why, but it is absolutely a huge part of my personality, and letting go of that control can be really hard. I think it has become even more of a thing since Claytie died, not having him here to talk me down and share some of those feelings has made my feeling responsible even bigger.

Anyway, with some help from my mum, that’s been recognised. The boys had a lovely weekend, the car is now with the mechanic and solutions are being figured out around getting to and from work til the car is fixed. I’m trying to step back and let the adults that I have created, deal with the situation. Fingers crossed it’s a reasonably quick, and not too expensive fix!