When Claytie died my entire world shook on its axis. My foundations disintegrated and I didn’t know which way was up or down. For at least the first year to 18 months I felt like I was floundering and it was a struggle to get through each day. It was slow motion walking through fog, with no direction. It was really really hard!

When the reality of the situation became truly clear for me – and trust me when I tell you that it takes a while; because even though you know, because you were there and lived it and breathed it, it still doesn’t really feel real – then I had to figure out who I was. There were the obvious things – 46, daughter, sister, mother, friend, and the new Widow… but then there was the other part – trying to work out who this woman was, whose body I was in!! What did she want… how could she (and was she allowed to) be happy again.

Most of you have followed this blog from the early days, so you’re aware of some of the stuff that I did. All kinds of crazy dating and the madness of things that happened. For me it was a time of feeling completely untethered and out of control. I was looking for things to fill the huge hole inside of me, and not finding them – or really feeling anything. I was running away and trying to escape from my life in a way that was never going to work, and was completely not me!

A lot of the time I didn’t even recognise myself! My behaviour was hugely out of character… I don’t have any regrets, and I don’t feel like I need to apologise for any of it. All of those things and crazy experiences have taught me about myself. Who I am and just as importantly who I am not and who I don’t want to be!

It is nice tho, and incredibly reassuring to find the person that I used to be isn’t so far away anymore. That finding the right person, my new person – someone who wants to be in my world, has made all the difference. I can’t ever go back to being who I was before- none of us can, that’s not how life works, but I am certainly much more balanced than I was. I feel like I am back to being myself – I know that I can do, and be so much more than I thought. I know that I have very clear boundaries and that I am living my life openly and honestly and for me….. and I know that if things were to change tomorrow, I wouldn’t! That the madness of the ‘in-between’ is not something I would ever go back to… it is not what I want or who I am.

I still miss Claytie with every single part of me. That will never change! But I know absolutely who I am. I know that my world is (mostly) balanced again and that I have an amazing new person. I know that I am allowed to do more than just survive… that I can chose to be happy.