This week has been an interesting one, in kind of a shitty way…. And I am not sad that it’s done!

Tuesday was supposed to be my first day back in my permanent position, but I took the day off to attend a funeral. I had to argue with my new boss, who had declined my leave, to let her know that I would ABSOLUTELY be going to celebrate a friend that was so close they are family. That for me is not something that anyone should have to do – ever.

The email advising me of disciplinary action, should something like this happen again was icing on the shit cake! It turns out that two other people attending the same funeral had to have similar conversations with their boss, and one had to do some work just prior to the wake. It’s eye opening how dreadful we, as a society, are with grief.

All of that meant that my first day back started with more anxiety than it should have. The anxiety was always going to be there, let’s face it, it’s me we are talking about after all, but it didn’t need to be what it was. The admin staff in the department are all new to me, it has been two years since I last worked there. I have been slowly meeting and introducing myself to them as my boss arrived late on my first day and did not suggest a walk around. … it’s been interesting! It was really nice to be greeted with familiar – and happy to see me- faces from the midwives tho.

The other thing that hit me, and quite unexpectedly, was one of my weekend chores. It has been on the list for 3 and a half years. – A bucket of paperwork that has been sitting in my office since we did our original clean out after Claytie died. I have been meaning to shred and dispose of it all, but have been putting it into the too hard/can’t be bothered pile. I had mentioned it to D a few weeks ago and suggested the quickest thing to do would be to burn it, so that’s what we did.

D carried the bucket (think giant plastic tub weighing at least 10kg) down to the fire pit in the backyard; I found a lighter and off we went. I was pretty happy at the thought of getting it all done, (I’m not sure the neighbours appreciated all of the smoke we created, but it is what it is) and as I said it’s been on the to-do list for a long time. What I was not expecting, and not ready for was the emotions I felt seeing Clayties signature and scribbles on those pieces of paper.

I didn’t want or need to keep any of it, but seeing that familiar handwriting that has been missing from my world for so long, actually made me really emotional. I’m a bit surprised at how shocked I was at seeing it, given that I knew it was his paperwork I was getting rid of. I think that is one of those things with grief – you compartmentalise and put blinkers on for things that are not immediately needing your attention, and then down the track they come out and surprise you. After the initial punch of feeling, it was a good job to get done, and I’m grateful to D for helping me to do it.

I have a couple of other ‘death admin’ jobs left to do, but I am not in a hurry to do them. Luckily for me I don’t have to them until I (and the boys) are ready, but I am sure that they will be just as emotional. I have decided that I just need to write off this week as a shit week, and start fresh on Monday. I have also decided that I’ll keep applying for other positions for work and continue seeing what comes next.