This week has felt long and hard. It started with a birthday party for someone who has been a friend for a long time. It was a milestone birthday for her, and it was nice to be invited; probably for me it would have been nicer not to go, but I am also glad that I did. Since Claytie died, our friendship, and that of the group, has changed. We’ve drifted apart following an incident that happened early on, and it has been a hard thing to hold onto.

It is no one’s fault, all sides have some blame. They did something hurtful, and perhaps I over reacted, but it has had a massive impact on my world – I lost a whole group of friends and have not seen most of them for about 2 years. They did not speak to me at the party, in fact they did not look my way at all. It was a whole new level of awkward for me and I have to admit to being hurt by it, but it has also confirmed for me that perhaps I valued the friendship differently to them. I know now that there is no point thinking that things will change, and that is ok. It is a chapter that I can now absolutely close.

I also found out this week that another good friend and her family have received the most awful news. They have an enormous fight in front of them and my heart hurts for them. We have been friends on and off since our oldest boys were in pre school together. We lost touch for a little while, but they have been amazing since Claytie died. We don’t see each other all that much, but we message and check in with each other often, and when we do catch up it’s like no time has passed. They have already fought one enormous battle, and this time is worse. It is hard knowing that I can’t do anything to make it better, it’s a shit show and I’m sad that this is what they have to go through.

In the middle of all of that, and central to everything is missing Claytie. I’ve missed his advice, and his black and white outlook on life. I’ve missed hearing ‘it is what it is’ and arguing that it is ok to be sad. I’ve missed being able to cry on his shoulder, and the hugs that would come with it. I’ve missed having him in my corner and not having to question that. I’ve missed him. I miss him all the time and that feeling is always worse when it’s been a hard week.

Sometimes, a good long cry is exactly what you need to clear out all the hurt, and so that was me last night. I had a pity party for one. No one was at home and I was feeling sad, lonely and miserable. It was pjs and a cuppa in bed at about 5.30, and an onslaught of tears for myself and for all the hurt this week. I think I feel better for it in a lot of ways. I try not to let myself go there too often… it would be an easy place to stay, but every so often it helps.

I’m ok and I know that I will be ok. These bumps are all part of navigating life. I will do everything I can to help and support my friends in their fight, and send all the light and love their way. I’m grateful that I have fabulous people in my corner and that I have this outlet to voice my thoughts. I’m lucky, and I don’t ever forget that.