Well, I am happy to say that this week has been much better for me. This dip in the ‘rollercoaster’ of craziness has been a bit full on and I will be delighted if things are heading back up. I am not entirely sure why this week has seen me feel so much been better, but I am absolutely not questioning it! The situation that was causing me such grief over Christmas has not really been resolved, and maybe it won’t/can’t be. Maybe the fact that I am coming to terms with that has helped the anxiety. I have also worked on the sleep situation and have found something that is working for now, which is a relief! It is amazing what a reasonable nights sleep can do to make you feel better.
I had another glorious day at the beach on Wednesday – this time with one of my girlfriends. The sun, sand, saltwater and girl talk were exactly what I needed. It was absolutely the most perfect day. The colours of the water were amazing and the water was crystal clear. I did end up with a bit of sunburn, but I was happy to pay that price! I am always amazed at how much better being by the water makes me feel, I am not sure exactly what it is or why it works… It seems like such a simple thing, but it makes all the difference! I now need to work on the retirement plan of getting myself a unit by the water – LOTTO Gods, I am looking at you!
This week saw the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Claytie dying – I think subconsciously I knew it was coming up, and that has messed with my brain a little bit too. I can’t believe it has been that long already, in so many ways it feels just like yesterday! So many things have happened in my world since the 20th July 2020. Most days I don’t recognise the person I am now, but I am proud of myself and the boys for getting to where we have – not that we had much of a choice! Claytie is still very much part of everything that we do – he always will be, but we know now that we can survive this shit show and we are not doing too badly at it.
Friday night after work I went out with the fellow I have been seeing (I’m not sure what title to give him – boyfriend seems very ‘schoolyard’ and partner feels too formal yet!?). We went to a fabulous bar in Tenerife and met up with his eldest daughter and her partner. I have previously met all of his other kids at his home, so this kind of felt like a bigger deal, but I am pleased to say we had a really lovely night and I’m looking forward to doing it again sometime soon.
The other thing that I did this week was have a bunch of friends over for a BBQ at my place. This is kind of a first for me since Claytie died. I have had people over for wine time and open houses etc, but not really for a full meal. We would often do this kind of thing before Claytie died, I love being social, and it was always fun – although he would complain the entire time leading up to it and then be the life of the party! This one was all on me, and I think I did OK! The boys were also quite helpful and did the last minute things that Claytie would normally do for me without too many complaints, and I did outsource the actual grilling of meat to the men!
I’m hoping that I have turned a corner from my Christmas low, and I’m looking forward again with some enthusiasm to whatever comes next. I’m doing my best to survive and to live a life that brings with it some small happiness, and that I am comfortable with. It’s is 100% not the life I would have chosen for myself, but I have to make it fit. I think I’m doing ok! x