This week has again been fairly up and down. I am still not sleeping fantastically well – I haven’t for long time, but at the moment it is particularly bad, which then impacts pretty much everything else. I have tried all of the usual things to help, and while I have no trouble falling asleep – it is the staying asleep part that is eluding me. I have been waking up anywhere from midnight on, and once I am awake I just can’t seem to get back to sleep. It is incredibly frustrating, in part because there isn’t a whole lot I can be doing in the middle of the night without waking everyone else in the house!

It seems I have a bunch of stuff in my head that I need to process and put somewhere, but that is easier said than done. This has probably been one of the lowest points that I have got to since Claytie died and it has shaken my confidence across the board. I was feeling pretty cocky toward the end of last year, with things starting to feel kind of lighter, but this has knocked me back on my arse! There isn’t a whole lot anyone can do to help with my processing, it is what it is and I have to get on with it, but it has been hard. I’m finding myself evaluating all areas of my life, almost whether I want to or not, and it feels like I’m not sure of anything anymore. It is not the nicest way to be feeling, Some of it is just my usual chaotic brain stuff, but there are other things that involve other people and they are much harder to resolve – and waiting on others to do their part (whatever that looks like) is hard.

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom tho… I did have a fabulous day off midweek which went a very long way to cheering me up! Good friends of mine were lucky enough to have a holiday at the beach and I invited myself along for the day. It was absolutely the very best thing I could have done, and I am super grateful that they let me gate crash their holiday. A couple of hours in the ocean and sand went a very long way to easing my anxiety. I am now determined to spend as much time at the beach as I can this year, it just makes me feel so much better! – Wednesday might be my beach day for the next little while, unless I’m required for babysitting which is even better!

The other high point for me this week was catching up with my Uni girl friends. We try and catch up a couple of times a year, although we are not always successful at that… life gets busy! Every time we do get together tho it is like no time has passed. We worked out that we have known each other for 30years this year – yup, we are actually that old! – and it is so lovely to think that we have been friends for that long. Listening to their stories also reinforces for me that I made the right decision not to be a teacher… I do not have that kind of patience!

The goal for this week is to keep working on feeling better – there isn’t any other choice… I don’t much like myself when I’m feeling low!! Fake it til you make it is still the motto, and I’m working on not letting outside influences pull me down, which is something of a challenge. In lots of ways I’m back to ‘a day at a time’, and that’s ok… it’s all part of being kind to myself and getting on with things.