I feel like for the last few weeks, starting just before Christmas, I have been quite emotionally fragile and anxious. Christmas is really hard now, and the situation that happened (see last weeks post) has really shaken me. I am still processing it and as part of that I have felt the need to withdraw and wallow a little bit. It’s not my first time feeling like this – a generalised kind of Meh feeling that comes and goes, and has done since Claytie died. Sometimes you know it’s coming, other times it’s an unwelcome guest – either way it is not particularly pleasant. In this case I guess it’s kind of a seasonal anxiety/ depression that got a bit of a bonus boost thrown in.
The last few months of last year felt incredibly busy and frantic, with very little time to stop and rest; and while I enjoyed it all at the time it has kind of all caught up with me. Mostly I am a social person, and usually that is how I get my energy, but every now and then I need some time out to recharge as well. I have actually spent a whole lot of time on my own over the last couple of weeks, which has felt really necessary. Anything that I have done has felt as though it has taken a huge amount of effort to push myself to do, and longer than normal to ‘recover’ from. Fake it til you make it takes a lot of work to pull off sometimes!
I’m living a life now that I didn’t (and would never) chose for myself. This is not how my world is supposed to look and that is something I have to readjust to every single day. I am trying to get my feet back under myself, but it feels a little bit like every time that starts to happen something comes along to shake me up. Sometimes it’s easy to brush stuff off, other times it’s much harder.
I’m feel like I am always checking and evaluating everything around me and that’s also a hard way to live. Constant second guessing and questioning is exhausting, and then throw some insomnia into the mix and you get to fragile. I hate feeling like this, like I am constantly complaining and also contradicting myself. I feel like I don’t always make a whole lot of sense – trust me it’s just as confusing for me…. I don’t want to be this whiny, needy person… I don’t much like her, but I feel like I need to give myself permission to sit here for a little bit and process – my version of self-care!?
I think one of the big things that keeps standing out for me, and I have commented on before, is how many people disappoint you. More often than not it is entirely unintentionally – thoughtless more than malicious, but it is absolutely there. Obviously when you’re feeling fragile you are more aware of this kind of stuff, a kind of hyper vigilance where the negative things seem to stand out and hurt more, but lip service and a lack of follow up are very real. Judgement is very real. Absence is very real. It’s a hard lesson on top of all of the other things that change, and it makes you very careful about who you let into your world. Not everyone has been so understanding of the need I have felt for this time out. I am incredibly grateful to the people in my world who have been there for me unconditionally, putting up with the highs and lows… it really really helps to have you here!
I know that I will come out of this slump soon enough, I have done it before, but my confidence took a hit and has left me a bit shaky. I know that people have been worried about or (in some cases) disappointed by my withdrawing but I need to look after my mental health and if that means some time out I will always take it. I am no good to anyone if I don’t look after myself.
On the upside, all of this home time has been good for my housekeeping. The garden has had a huge go-over this week and will be fabulous when I finish it in the next couple of days. Cupboards and the kitchen will be next on the list, and I’m happy to say that there are plenty of charity shops that will benefit from that too. It has helped me to feel a little bit more in control of my life. Going back to work this week has surprisingly also been a bit of a blessing. Much and all as I complain about it and wish for a lotto win every single day, the routine and predictability has helped switch my brain off for a few hours each day. My very favourite thing tho has been the baby cuddles that I have been lucky to get. There is something about holding a baby that just settles the anxiety and makes me feel better.