Well, I have to say that this is not the post I thought I would be writing this week, but it feels like the one that needs to happen.

Somehow over the holiday period we had a blow up that feels like it has changed everything. I’m not going to go into all of it, that wouldn’t be fair to everyone involved, but suffice it to say that people have once again surprised me and not in a good way.

The person involved has seemingly had a grievance with me since about October 2021, that has grown and festered and been added to ever since with other things that have happened. Instead of addressing it and having a conversation at any point since then, it has just been bubbling away for them until it exploded over the holidays. There are several points that they were upset about, but one of the main ones comes back to me dating.

Everyone has said all of the right things about me dating and finding someone… they all ‘want me to be happy’, and I know that for the most part this is a genuine sentiment. But there are clearly some people that don’t like how that looks. They say they want me to be happy, but have a problem with how I am doing that. Be happy, but not with someone else.

Right now I am feeling extremely hurt and disappointed. I feel judged. It’s a horrible place to be and I am really not sure what I am supposed to do! Is the preferred option that I sit at home and stew in my misery? .. trust me, I already do plenty of that, along with second guessing and over thinking every thing that I do. I know that people are curious about the way I am trying to put my life back together, I’ve invited you along for the ride by writing it all down every week – but don’t you dare sit on some kind of high horse and judge me. Until this is your life (and I really really hope it never is!) you have no right!

I am doing the best that I can to try and live a life that isn’t the one I want. Every single day is a struggle, but what choice do I have!? No one will ever replace Claytie, they couldn’t possibly and that is not even remotely what I want! I am trying to find a person that I am comfortable with, that I can spend time with and maybe find some kind of happiness with. They are never going to be able to replicate what Claytie and I had and I know that, but I am allowed to have someone in my corner. Someone who sees me and is happy to be with me.

I am not just jumping into something without any thought about anyone else. I am constantly thinking about the boys and my family, people who are important in my world and how all of this affects them. These thoughts play a huge role in every decision that I make, probably way more that I should let them. I’m sure I will make mistakes. I am human, and emotional and that is what happens; and when those mistakes happen I will learn from them just like anyone else.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for trying to find something to hang on to that makes me happy. This situation has made me feel judged and I was not expecting that to happen. I’m sad, angry and mostly disappointed that a person who knows me, that I thought had some sort of understanding would turn the way that they have. I’m not sure that there is a way to repair that relationship and that also makes me really sad.

This is not at all the way I thought we would finish the year. We actually had a really nice Christmas for the most part. It was so nice having Baby here to love. It bought something happy back that has been missing for us. I am trying hard to move on from my hurt feelings, and not give them too much more power. The scars are here now tho for us and we need to figure out how to live around them. I hope that the new year brings with it peace and calm, love and graciousness. I’m looking forward to more time with the people that matter, and I am looking forward to continuing my journey – whatever that looks like x