So on Wednesday this week, our whole world changed again. I was outside, early, hanging out some washing when my phone pinged on our family group chat to say we had a message. … it was a photo…. of a brand new baby laying on his mothers chest! Apparently I screamed and made a whole lot of noise and freaked the boys right out… but given I had no notice that it was happening, I stand by my reaction!!

After a reasonable lengthy labour – that I knew nothing about, and happening three weeks earlier than expected, my very first grandson made his way into the world. Benjamin Thomas arrived at 7.48am weighing 3.353kg and is perfectly divine! Mum, dad and baby are doing very well and getting used to each other. I am completely delighted to be Granny and his new uncles are besotted.

I do have to confess tho, that the day was also incredibly difficult. Ugly crying, sobbing happened pretty much the whole day. I know that Claytie would have given anything to be here with us, and the unfairness that he is not was pretty raw for me – and I know for the boys as well. I was really lucky to be able to have some time alone with my son and his baby not too long after he arrived and there were absolutely tears for both of us acknowledging the hugeness of the occasion and the magnitude of the loss. The other boys have also all shed a tear when meeting their new nephew. There is no way to not feel it.

I knew it was going to be hard, the whole process has been so bittersweet, but in lots of ways it was almost as hard as the day Claytie died. I’m not sure I was expecting that, but probably I should have. It’s these kind of firsts that make the grief surge right back to the front like a tidal wave. I know it will settle back down and that we will all get used to living around the massive hole in our lives.. that is life and what seems to happen, but every so often you’re swallowed whole and struggle to find your footing.

I absolutely love being Granny… it’s an amazing feeling, and I know Claytie would have made the best Grandad (or maybe Poppy?). I am going to enjoy every minute of it and be excited for this new bright future. Anything less feels like it would be doing Claytie a disservice. He’s not here so I’m doing it for both of us.

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