This morning I’m feeling sad… melancholy is the word that I have in mind. There is no real specific cause for me feeling like this today, its just kind of an everything thing. Sometimes that happens.
I’m sitting at the beach… it is overcast, drizzly, cold…the waves are wild and the sand is largely eroded. There are not a lot of people here this morning. The weather matches my mood perfectly or maybe my mood is matching the weather – either way it’s not a nice feeling.
I’m pondering my loneliness… I hate it! I try and fill the void as much as I can, but there is no real escape from it. I am on my own and I don’t want to be. I miss the life I should be living; and while there are some nice bits in it, I don’t much like most of my life now. Some days I don’t recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror. This is not how it was supposed to be!
Right now the grief bubble is big. Some days are like that and there is no way to predict when they will come. I have to feel it and let it engulf me for a little while, otherwise it takes over and I don’t want it to do that. I’m not sure if the full moon is playing into this mood, it’s a big one and it often does. I also have some friends who are going through hard stuff at the moment and I know that’s part of this too.
I know I’ll be fine… I usually am, but just for now, for a little while I’m letting myself wallow. I won’t stay here too long, I really don’t like it, but part of the process (I’ve been told) is to ride the big waves when they come.
This is one of those posts that feels incredibly self-indulgent… this whole blog is a whole lot of that more often than not! But I look at it as a cheap therapy. It gets the weird shit out of my head and hopefully I can let most of it go that way. It’s not meant to be a ‘poor me’ kind of thing, it’s just my reality.
Anyway, I’m heading back to the car, and back into my world. Hopefully the weather and my mood both improve a whole lot and soon! Thanks for letting me indulge with my word vomit. I’m ok, tomorrow I’ll be better x