This week marks another birthday for Claytie that he is not here for. He would be 49 years old, and we should be joking about his age and thinking about planning his 50th! He should be unwrapping a bunch of prezzies and complaining about my money spending – but secretly loving being the centre of attention. There might even be a weekend away or certainly dinner out. Instead its kind of just another day, and I guess that is how it is now.

We have a few other important people, family members with birthdays around this one, and they are hard too. I find it really difficult to celebrate them because they fall in this space and I can’t help but feel how unfair it is that Claytie doesn’t get to have his. I feel bad that I can’t get excited for them, and I’m hoping that changes as time passes, for now tho it is still really raw and challenging. I dont begrudge them their day, I just wish Claytie was here for his!

My week has been OK – my sleep has been more messed up than usual, but that is my anxiety leading up to an important-for-me-date. I’ve been up three or four times most nights and my sleep app (Calm – their sleep stories are my go to) has been getting a work out! I suspect that’s just how those times around anniversaries will be for me from now on. Even acknowledging that, which usually helps, doesn’t seem to change it anymore.

In much happier news, We’ve had a baby update in the form of the 20 week morphology scan, which showed that baby is doing very well and all fingers, toes and other important pieces are accounted for! I’m very excited and super looking forward to being Granny, and have been showing off the scan pictures that I have to anyone who even shows the slighted bit of interest… want to see?!

I have also had a couple of lovely catch ups this week, one with a new friend for a coffee, which was really nice and the other with old friends and their new baby. It was fabulous spending the morning with them (Clayties favourite work colleagues) and remembering good times but missing Claytie. I loved getting a baby-fix… there’s nothing better, and he is gorgeous! Claytie would have loved the catch up and he would have adored the baby! He would have spent the whole time trying to make him smile. I managed to get a beach fix in that day as well and it was, as always a beautiful way to start the day!

My weekend this week will be spent at Camp Widow… a conference for 200 widowed people. We will listen to all sorts of talks and do workshops around dealing with grief. I’m not entirely sure what to expect from it, but have been told by some of last years attendees how worthwhile it was for them. I figure it can’t hurt, and I’ve certainly done worse things on a weekend – thinking of you Monty Burns! (See previous posts if you’re not sure of the reference!)

Happy Birthday Claytie! I love you xx

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