Sometimes its really hard to write this blog. Am I sharing too much of my life, or is it ok to get it out of my system. What topics can I talk about, is any of it interesting, does anyone really care?! And then I think does any of that matter, because actually I am doing it for myself – to process the stuff in my head and to figure out this weird new world.
This week has been a mixed bag of emotions for me. I’ve been a bit stuck on Woine Toime and the fall out from that – an interesting place to be in the same week that Grace Tame and Brittany Higgins did their speech at the Press club. True to ‘female conditioning’, I’ve been analysing and second guessing my behaviour to see where his came from, and I’ve been dreading the thought of face to face contact. But as my mum said, I have done nothing wrong and I can’t allow myself to be a victim! It’s still a yucky feeling tho!
The boys are all doing good things at the moment… it feels like we’re on a reasonably even keel. I do get nervous tho when things feel like they are going well, because inevitably something will go pear shaped and my stress levels will peak! Fingers crossed we keep plodding along nicely for a while and they keep kicking the goals they set for themselves. Claytie would be super proud of what they are doing and how far they have come. I wish that he could tell them that himself.
Trivia has been a huge highlight the last couple of weeks. The Black Widows Peaks have added to the group and our new team members (also from the widow support group) have been a godsend! I can’t believe that I only met these people in the last 12 months, it feels like I have known them a life time! We spend the entire time laughing and being silly! Our conversations are rarely appropriate and we all look forward to catching up. We have gone from coming dead last (pardon the pun!) to first two weeks running. We had such a smashing lead last time that apparently we need a five point handicap going into this one – Something that has been argued by several members of the team with the host who is sticking to his guns! … guess we just need to win again to show them our magic!
I’ve had the highs that come with date nights… I’m really enjoying spending time with the chap I’ve been seeing. He makes me feel good about myself and he makes me laugh. Our conversation has been easy without any sort of awkward silences – even the few disagreements we’ve had have been easy. He lets me cry if I need to and has been entirely lovely when I’ve been a cranky hormonal mess. He’s not completely ready to step into my world, a thing I am trying to be understanding of – but as I’ve mentioned before, the little weird world inside of my head is streets ahead of where we are actually at, so I keep needing to slow myself down and appreciate the little things.
I was telling one of Clayties best friends about it just recently, and the questions he asked and the comments he made were just right. It is Ok to be where I’m at and it is ok to find happiness. I absolutely know that, but it is nice to have those feelings validated by people who are important to me.
I’ve got some very lovely things to look forward to, which is always nice… more date days for me, my favourite Friday evening activity is back, and I’m enjoying singing along from my table in the back…there are some super special days for friends and family that have been postponed more than once coming up soon and then there is just finding happy, beautiful things in the day to day. I’m a lucky person and I remind myself of that everyday x