A funny thing that happens after someone you love dies, is that you look for signs from them everywhere you go. It seems to be universal, and if you google it, there is a list of things that are recognised as such. It is really hard to just let go – Death is such a big thing to get your head around…. How can your person just suddenly be gone!? There must be more to life than what we see!? – surely it can’t just be over!? So looking for signs makes sense.
Dragonflies, butterflies, feathers…. They are always there, with little attention or meaning paid to them, but suddenly after a death they are signs from a loved one. Dreams, coins or the scent of their perfume or aftershave are all things that are supposed to mean something. I know someone for whom the humble bin-chicken is a huge sign – and her explanation of why and when she sees them make complete sense; others have numbers that have meaning and they see them everywhere. I’m not sure what signs are mine, I just know the ones that it wouldn’t be, they don’t feel right for us – or at least I think they don’t…?!
I do believe in energy and some form or reincarnation. There are too many things that happen in the world that defy logical explanation… but those things are much easier to explore when they are for other people. When it’s your person that you miss and want to connect with, there is a bit of a feeling of desperation in the search for signs. At least there is for me! I find myself second guessing everything, and it’s exhausting! And then there is the knowledge that Claytie absolutely didn’t believe in anything like signs, reincarnation or in fact anything remotely ‘spiritual’. He was an incredibly black and white person in so may ways.
I have always thought that because I more or less believe in such things, that I would get really obvious signs from Claytie…. And a couple of times maybe I have – like the ones on his birthday when the boys and I went to get tattoos (see previous post), but for the most part it just feels like maybe I’m looking too hard and ignoring the obvious, or maybe the lack of a sign is the sign!? … you could absolutely drive yourself nuts thinking about it!!
I find myself asking him for signs all the time! It would be incredibly reassuring to ‘hear’ from him… kind of like a pat on the back to say I’m doing OK – because I am so unsure about what I am doing with everything all of the time. I overanalyse every single decision; I have never had to be the one responsible for everything, I was always quite happy to leave Claytie in charge and be the ‘kept wife’….it is all hugely overwhelming, and I am constantly asking him if am I doing the right thing with everything, including dating! The whole thing is so weird it would be nice to have his input!
But I guess its a case of be careful what you wish for! I went on a date not so long ago, and it was lovely! He lives about an hour away from my place, which is a bit of a pain, but other than that ticks a whole lot of boxes… we sat and chatted for about 2 hours, and it was really easy and fun! We had a hug in the car park, and discussed when we could see each other again – both of us, I think, feeling good about it…Driving home I had my playlist going on shuffle. It is incredibly varied and about 6 hours long, give or take about 100 songs…. Every single song that played was one of Claytie’s songs (happy, sad, all of it!) … and that never happens!! Not one after the other like that, I don’t even usually get two in a row!! Now, I have to confess that it did freak me out a little bit (tears and goose bumps) and I don’t know if I should read it as a thumbs up or down, but it definitely felt like a message! …. Now if only I could work out what it was saying, I’d feel a lot better!
So I guess in the spirit of seeing what comes next, I will be going on a second date with the same gentleman soon! … I’ll let you know what my playlist does, or if there are any other signs!