Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

So this week is Clayties birthday. He would be 52 yeas old, and I am sure there would be a whole lot of teasing him about that. Instead, he stopped at 46 and we have to remember who he was. The joy he brought into our lives with his infectious giggle and his love for life. It hurts and it sux! Regardless of where he started the day, at home or working away, it would begin with an Iced Coffee – he loved the stuff, and I miss having the empty bottles cluttering up the bin.

I have been looking at photo memories on social media, and while there are a whole lot of smiles and love in them, there is also a whole lot of sadness. There is the big obvious one – Claytie is gone and I will never get the chance to make more memories or take more pictures of him, but there is also sadness about the other people in those memories. So many people have moved themselves away from us. Friends and people who were family are no longer part of our world, and that really hurts too. There are so many layers to grief. Sometimes they settle and you think that maybe you’re ok with those parts now, but they are actually always there and will come to the surface when you’re not ready for them.

I have really not been doing too well with all of these dates this year. For some reason they feel a whole lot heavier again, almost like they were at the beginning. I don’t know if it’s because it 5 years and that feels really significant, or if it is just where I am at in my life right now. A friend said to me the other day -‘you seem lost’, and that is exactly how I feel. Lost, without an anchor, drifting.

It really is a rollercoaster, and for me, the surprise is just how hard and heavy things are 5years down the track. I know that I will never not miss Claytie, but all those statements about time healing things are a load of crap! The only thing that time has given me, is permission to feel the feelings as they come up; to not let myself worry about what other people think about where I am at and what I am doing. It is what it is, and I am who I am, and I have to do and feel what I have to do and feel.

I am ok and it’s not all bad and sad, there are definitely good things in my world, but under it all is just an emptiness. I am trying hard not to let myself stay there. I’ve given myself permission to just get through all of these dates and then I’ll pull myself back together, but it’s hard.

The post holiday blues are a very real thing in my world…

I am currently in the middle of two weeks away from work. I have needed it! July is really really hard in a whole lot of ways, so it has been nice to not have work to think about.

I was really lucky last week to have an adventure with a friend. I have known him for a really long time, and we have actually had a whole lot of adventures together. It is always fun and easy! This time, we climbed Bald Rock (in Girraween National park, NSW). It is a huge granite monolith, with a near vertical face. It was a 1.2km hard climb to get to the top, and it was spectacular! I am proud of myself for doing it. We also stayed at his daughter’s place – an idyllic property in the countryside, with fruit trees and horses, sheds and tractors and her very cute (almost) two year old son. From there we went to the beach – which is where my friend lives- and had an amazing couple of days there.

…and then it was time to come home!

The sads hit almost immediately. I was back to my everyday world, and back to being on my own. Yes, a whole lot of my kids still live at home, but they are all so busy and involved in their own lives (which is how it should be) that there isnt a whole lot of time for me; and the interactions with them are not what I am talking about.

I really really miss one on one time with a person who wants me. I miss feeling connected to someone, the looks and touches and just that easy familiarity that makes you feel content with life.… but I also don’t want to go back to online dating. I don’t have the energy for that – and I don’t think I trust myself to get it right! Even thinking about starting again and downloading my profile feels gross!

I know that this is just another phase to go through, but it is a hard one, especially in July! Loneliness is an insidious thing… it coats everything and cycles around itself. It is hard to snap out of feeling that way and usually just leads to a pity party. It makes me feel needy and clingy and I hate it. I want what I had, but that is gone and those reminders are hard!

I know that I am ok on my own, that I can do a whole lot of stuff by myself and I know that at some stage, these feelings will get less again…. I also know that when I am feeling like this I need to find ways to stay busy so I don’t keep spiralling into these thoughts. I have a few things lined up that should keep me occupied and I’ll start planning the next adventure… it’s good to have those to look forward to, even when I know that the come down is hard.

So today marks exactly 5 years since I came home from work and found Claytie unresponsive on the floor in the bathroom. It is 5 years since the boys and I had to go through the hardest thing that anyone could ever have to go through, loosing one of the best people I have ever known. 5 years since my very favourite person died.

It feels like it all happened a minute ago – the chaos and confusion, the crystal clear pictures that live in my mind. The sounds and the smells, the feelings of WTF just happened to my world. The tears and the overwhelming weight of the grief that we have carried. …. and at the same time if feels like it has been a life time since that moment.

So very many things have changed in our world since the 20th of July 2020, and I am more sure than ever that Claytie would have a whole lot to say about all of them. The boys are the most amazing people, and are doing so incredibly well. We have had a whole new person in our world for two and a half years, and there is another one coming soon – and I know just how obsessed Claytie would be with both of them. We have had good things and not so good things happen for all of us – holidays and experiences that he should have been part of, bucket list things that we were going to do together. Relationships that have changed forever and people that should be, but are no longer part of our lives. Business ventures and career choices that he would be so immensely delighted about.

I know that my life would look completely different if Claytie was still here, but I also know that he would be so proud of the boys and I for continuing to put one foot in front of the other every single day, and making the very best of the lives that we now live without him.

So today we will honour and celebrate Claytie. We will have our traditional family dinner of Catfood Casserole (Tuna Mornay to those new to this blog), iced coffee and pavlova. We will scratch scratchies and hope that this is the year he comes through with a big win for us; and we will remember and be grateful for all of the good times that we had with him for the 46years that he was in the word. We will never not miss him!

July is exhausting. It is all the emotional build up and then the big, sad dates. All the memories and replaying moments… the lack of sleep because of the dreams and nightmares. I have found that it hasn’t really got any easier, and even though I should know by now what to expect, there are still so many moments that catch me off guard.

The other day I got into my sons car (he wanted Clayties car and after a whole lot of conversation and deliberation between all of us he bought it from me) .. we were going to a friends party, carpooling; I got the front seat and there in the footwell was an empty bottle of iced coffee. That took me right back to driving with Claytie in that car. He always had empty iced coffee bottles in there, he drank gallons of the stuff, and seeing that one on that day just floored me – again.

Facebook is also hard… memories that come up. I love them and that they are there, but it is also really tough. Today was the anniversary of our last date. We took ourselves for a big drive all around the Noosa hinterland area and through the glass house mountains. We had the most spectacular day, calling ourselves ‘speed tourists’ cause we didn’t stay anywhere for too long, but we managed to pack so many things into the one day. It was fun and happy and it makes me sad that all I have left is a memory and we don’t get to do it again.

It’s having the Squish looking at family photos, there is a big one in the room we change his nappy in, and him knowing all of the people, except for his Grandpa Claytie, and wishing more than anything that he did. It is all the memories and songs that play randomly. It’s those moments, that you can’t prepare for that are some of the hardest. They can happen anywhere and any time, and they are just as hard now as they were when he first died.

It’s also really hard having all of those feelings, and trying to hold it all together. Trying to function at work and just getting through each day. Finding any sort of motivation and pushing myself to do things anyway. Sometimes that works and I have a nice time, other times it just feels like a punishment… but the alternative of sitting at home just being sad is also not great… it’s just July!

So this year – this week, I should be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary. It feels surreal that Claytie is not here for such a big milestone. There have been four others without him, but for some reason the fact that it is a ’round’ number has really played with my head, and the build up for it has been a whole lot this time…. in fact it has been that for all of the dates coming up this year.

The last anniversary that we got to celebrate together was our Silver one. 25years of being married, but we had been together for 28 at that point. I had a couple of weeks annual leave from work and he was between projects – it was also a period between COVID lock downs which helped to make it possible for us to have a road trip. We decided to head to the Hunter Valley for a couple of days with his mum – probably not how I thought we would spend it, but money was a bit tight and we actually had a really nice time. We spent a couple of days doing a bunch of stuff with his mum (her birthday was the day after our anniversary) and then a full day driving around to a whole of vineyards. Claytie was the designated driver – he was not a fan of wine, and was happy to drive… and it was really lovely. We had a beautiful lunch, and I was very lucky to receive a diamond pendant from him.

My gift for Claytie that year was much less lavish.. I bought him a new stainless steel cup – he had one that was his favourite for a really long time, but it got damaged and was no longer usable. It was a bit of a search to find the right replacement cup for him, but eventually I did, and I had it engraved – “Here’s cheers to another 25 years”. He never actually used it… He died 12 days later.

It’s funny the things that you remember – those things that are always right at the front of your mind, and then random things that pop into your head. Things that just make you smile, before the reality of the situation comes back in to set you straight. The lead up to all of the yucky dates is a huge time of introspection for me. There are so many memories, photos and videos that I love to go through that are just as hard as they are happy. I remember the first conversation that we had. We were on the school ski trip, and he was on a mission to take photos with everyone. He popped into the girls cabin and made us all pose with him, I can’t remember who actually took the photo, but it’s our first together. They are memories that (along with all of the others) I will cherish.

This year, I have taken the day for myself. I know that it’s a day that I struggle with now and I don’t want to have to be anything for anyone on these dates. I want to sit and remember and just feel what I need to. I also decided to take myself away – which is absolutely something we would have done together for a big anniversary like this one. I am in one of our favourite places, and somewhere I go often, watching the waves and the whales, and snorkelling with sea turtles.

It is calm and peaceful and I wish more than anything that Claytie was here with me x

I was a bit unsure what to write about this week… I had some fabulous social events for friends birthdays over the weekend; one of which was a dress up – and we all know how much I love those! Having a busy weekend also reminds me how grateful I am to not work on Mondays. … I am of an age where it takes a whole lot longer to recover from things that it used to!

This time of the year is difficult for me tho… I am coming up to all of the significant dates that changed my world, and the build up this year feels particularly hard. I’m not sure why that is because for the most part I am actually in a pretty good place in myself. I’ve lost some weight and am feeling healthy, I have great people around me and I am a whole lot more confident that I used to be, but right now it feels really heavy to be doing all of this on my own.

Mostly I’m proud of myself and I want Claytie to be proud of me too. I want to know what his thoughts would be on how I have managed all of this shit for the last five years. I want to talk to him about the boys and how fabulous they are. I want his people to still be my people, our people…. I want him to be here! I want the life that I used to have!

Grief is a weird thing. It is such a rollercoaster! Just when you think you’re in an ok place something comes along to knock you right back down. It’s not even always something that you can pinpoint – which makes it hard to prepare for in any way! I know that the big dates are there, they are coming; and by now I mostly know how I will feel… it’s the day to day stuff that is the hardest… and there have been a lot of days!

Anyway… that me right now – doing my best to get through it and keep going. In the words of a great man… “it is what it is, you can’t change it, you just have to get on with it!”

It seems weirdly appropriate to publish this post on International Widows day. A ‘day’ where the United Nations acknowledges and examines the plight of widowed women all over the world in many different cultures, and not one that is likely to be celebrated in the media. It is also one that I would prefer not to be quite so intimately involved with!

The theme for this years day is: Beyond Grief, Rebuilding Lives, Strengthening Communities and Challenging Stigma, and for me personally, this blog and the support I have had from all of you, has helped me to do some of those things.

In my mind, before my life changed so completely, I had always thought of widowed people as being old – my grandparents generation. Death happened to those who were in their 80-90’s, and sometimes to unlucky ‘others’. It was absolutely not something I was expecting to happen in my world and certainly not at age 46!

Becoming a widow has changed every part of my life. It has changed how I think about the past, how I feel in the present, and it has absolutely changed how I look at my future. It is a blink of an eye moment that has impacted every single part of my world. It is a shock that you don’t and can’t recover from.

I have been incredibly lucky to have amazing people in my life who have helped me ‘keep it together’ and I have been even more lucky that financial security has not been something I have had to worry about excessively – which is not something that all widowed people have. I found a community, a support group who truly understands this new life. I have made incredible friendships, and met people that have changed my world again and for the better; and I am beyond grateful to have found my voice, and an outlet to use it, to talk about how this grief journey has changed my life.

Today I just want to say a really big thank you to all of you who follow this blog, and let me indulge in my weekly word vomit! I appreciate all of the love and support that you have given me over the last almost 5 years since Claytie died. This blog has been my therapy, and rather than just the funny dating stories that it was supposed to be, it has also allowed me to process a whole lot of thoughts, feelings, and memories (and the occasional travel run down). It’s been a bit of an anchor… sitting down and transforming my emotions into paragraphs and then sharing those with you; and when I am unsure of myself it helps to look back at some of the earlier posts to see how far I have come.

So, again… thank you for being in my world. Thank you for the support and the love. I know that the boys and I are all so much better for having you in our lives XX

This week, I went to a support group catch up and I was reminded again of how lucky I have been. I know that sounds like a bit of a crazy thing to say, because Claytie dying was definitely not lucky (and it has been an absolutely devastating thing in my world)! – but with the circumstances around it and all of the things that have happened since, I do feel lucky!

Claytie was at home with us when he died. He could have been interstate and working, or travelling at the time. Instead, we got to be with him at home. I got to hold his hand until they took him away and I am so grateful to have had that time. We had all of his favourite people there with us, and the support was incredible. I was left in a position of being able to not only stay in our home, but also to do a fairly major renovation to make sure that the house is safe for as long as I want to be there. I have been able to support the boys, and we have grown even closer as a family, and of course I have some amazing friends and family to help pick up the pieces as well.

I have been able to reconcile Clayties death (more or less) for myself as nature. His heart stopped working and that is what caused him to die. The coroner told us that there was nothing anyone (including doctors) could have done for him at that time to change the outcome, and that has been reassuring for me and for the boys. I am not saying that it is ok…. It is not! It was awful and horrific and way, way too soon, but it was nature and therefore part of life, and ultimately for me, an easier thing to get my head around.

I have a couple of friends where nature was not the cause of death for their loved one, but rather that they died at the hands of another person. Someone made a deliberate choice to use a weapon to cause a death… and for me, that would be a much harder thing to come to terms with and to make any kind of sense out of.

On top of the suddenness and absolute trauma around the events, the follow up and consequences for these crimes seem to absolutely favour the perpetrators. I know that our legal system states innocent until proven guilty, and that is as it should be, but the court systems seem to be so incredibly slow moving, with cases often taking years to even be heard by a judge; and the punishments absolutely do not meet the severity of the crimes and the impacts on the families left behind!….and then there are the appeals that drag the entire process out for even longer. It all just seems so very hard and unfair on the victims that are left to try and move forward with their grief, trying to rebuild their shattered lives, to then also have to be dealing with lawyers and the judicial system.

Two of my friends are currently going through this process, and I really can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have that constant spotlight on them and their grief. To be a short story that is sensationalised across the news outlets, and to not have any sense of closure or justice for their person for such a long time after their world collapsed. It just adds a whole other level of “unfairness” to what is already such an awful time for people, and my heart absolutely goes out to them.

Do what you feel is the right thing for you, but also don’t because other people need a bunch of stuff from you… but make sure you look after yourself, this is the time to figure out who you are… but don’t do it like that because it’s too different to how you were before. Why are you still sad? It’s been a long time now… but also, don’t be so quick to change it hasn’t been that long….

This year is 5 years since Claytie died. It feels really big and significant. So many things have happened and changed in that five years, and most of it feels surreal and unbelievable. The boys have had a whole lot of ups and downs and huge life changes. We have a whole new person in our world and another one coming. I have had a whole lot of changes too, and I thought I was doing ok. There isn’t a guide book on what it’s supposed to look like – I don’t have a clue, I’m just muddling along as best as I can… but then to be made to feel like it’s not good enough, that I should be better and so much more is really really hard.

Sooo many mixed messages coming from all kinds of directions… it’s hard to navigate how to feel about anything… or the even find the energy to try! I dont think people understand just how hard it can still be to get through a day sometimes or just how much effort it takes to pretend. … and then to be told that it’s not good enough or that you’re being selfish just pulls the ground right back out from underneath you.

I don’t know how to do this, or where I am supposed to pull the extra from. I don’t think people understand how much of my routine is a coping mechanism more than anything that I actually enjoy. The things that I do are a way of anchoring myself to some kind of reality. A lot of it is to escape, I know that… but I need the escape to be able to function. I’m doing my best for the boys, but I know that I can’t be everything that they need – I never have been. Claytie was always so much better at that than me… I was his support crew and now I have to run the show! I don’t know how!

I can’t be everything to everyone if I have nothing in myself to give. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in all directions and I can’t stretch any further. There is no bounce left in the elastic, and no more energy to put in. It’s all just too hard!

It also feels like I am not allowed to be sad anymore. That because I did repartner for a while, I should be over it. That the sad now is about the break up and not Claytie – when in reality it’s all tied in together.

I know I give other people too much power over my feelings. That I am too compliant… but I don’t know how to stand up for myself because conflict is hard and I don’t want to upset anyone else. I would rather carry that load by myself. I’ve always been the good girl, the one who doesn’t make trouble… and this all feels like a whole lot of trouble.

I need to make myself smaller – and bigger at the same time. Hide my feelings but make room for everyone else. The whole world sends mixed messages, and I do too! I go from feeling ok and in control right back to lost and devastated … and that can be in the space of half a day!

I hate this!

A little while ago, while absolutely minding my own business, my phone chimed with a notification. – actually it buzzed because it’s always on silent, but for the purpose of the story I’ll go with it chimed. There were no words in the message, just a screenshot of a black and white photograph. It was very graphic, but also quite unclear. I had to look serval times and kept having to change the angle that I was looking at. It took a little while, but eventually I thought I had an idea of what it was. It made me smile!

I contacted the sender, who at that stage was playing hard to get, busy or some such thing- so my patience had to come into play! I’m not super good at being patient and had other people to contact on my drive home from work, but felt it was imperative to wait for a return call. Hours later (actually probably only about 20minutes or so, but again for poetic license and the drama of storytelling- hours!) I was finally called back!

I spoke to the person in question and said that I am usually reasonably skilled in making out details in pictures, but that this one had me stumped for much longer than it should have! There was a quiet chuckle, and then he said: ‘it’s an unsolicited dick pic mum…. We’re having another boy!”

So there you have it… the Squish is getting a Peanut… he is upgrading to be a big brother – happening end of October and I am sooooo excited for it!

There is always the bittersweet sting when big happy things like this happen… missing Claytie and knowing just how beside himself he would be! He loved babies and little people, and he was the best Dad to our boys. I love imagining how he would be with the Squish and the fun that they would have had together. I know he would be super happy to have more small things to love and I’m just going to keep loving big for both of us x