Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

This week, and for two more after it, I am on leave from work. I have no firm plans – we are on baby watch, and it feels soooo lovely! For the most part, I like my job… but I like not being at work a whole lot more!

I am really looking forward to some slow, easy and unplanned days… and of course baby coming! I have some stuff I want to get sorted around the house, and people I am looking forward to catching up with. It feels a little bit decadent to have this chunk of time off… but I am really going to enjoy it. I haven’t taken time like this for a long time, normally I am off going places – which I also love! It’s nice to have the balance.

I started my days off with an Oktoberfest celebration with some friends and had a fabulous night! Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a sucker for a fancy dress! – I think that if you have to invest in a costume, you are invested in having a good time!… and what’s not to love about a night out with friends, good food, cold drinks, great music and a fun atmosphere!

I have also taken a very quick overnight trip up to Caloundra for some sand and salt water therapy, and to get a new tattoo (well, two actually!). I have a good friend who lives up there who is a tattoo artist, so it was really nice to have her do it and spend the time with her and her partner! I have an existing tattoo on my ankle that is a whole story. It has all of our family birth flowers as part of it , and I have added one each for the squish and the new baby as well has having it touched up. I also got a new piece done on my sternum, which I am also super happy with.

I feel like right now, I am in a good place – that can obviously change anytime (it has before) but right now it’s good! I have a whole lot of things that I am looking forward to. I wish everyday that Claytie was here to share all of this with me, that will never change, but I am grateful for all of the experiences and new people that have come into my world since he died. I am choosing, as much as possible, to make each day a good one … it is what it is!

This week was another quiet one… the lingering effects of whatever nastiness I had have been all kinds of fun! I have learned tho that I am not great at feeling miserable, and too much time on my own leads to all kinds of pity parties! … both actually things that I did already know, but have once again been reinforced!

To snap out of the funk I was in, I got myself organised, loaded up the adventure bed (something of a mission with a lack of fitness and decreased lung capacity from coughing) and took myself for a drive to the beach! It is honestly the very best way that I know to reset my brain! A perfect blue sky day, crystal clear water, whales and dolphins all make it really hard to stay miserable! … and a cuppa with a friend on the way home also helped!

It’s really easy to let yourself fall into a hole when you’re not feeling well and have spent entirely too much time on your own. I get an energy recharge from spending time with people, so when I don’t have that it’s easy to spiral into negative thinking. I know when I am doing it that it’s not right, but it’s really hard to get out of it when you don’t have the energy to do anything else… it’s a nasty vicious circle! I try really hard not to let myself stay down for too long… but do acknowledge that the feelings are valid and need to be felt.

The other thing that always helps is time with the Squish! He is just so full of life and joy that you have to cheer up (and collapse with exhaustion when he goes home!) … toddler energy is something else! I get to have him every Tuesday afternoon. I pick him up from daycare and bring him home to hang out at Birdies house. I love the chatting in the car – why is a favourite question for everything… and I love watching him with the uncles… it’s just love!

I’m happy to have only 4 days of work to get through and then 3 weeks off while we wait for Baby Brother to make his arrival!… I can’t wait! I know that it will be bittersweet missing Claytie for such a big life event, but I know that the love will be there from all of us x

This week has been a pretty quiet one for me, I have managed to pick up some kind of lurgy and have been feeling pretty miserable and sorry for myself. Constant coughing and having a very sore throat has not been fun, and while a couple of days resting has been good for recuperation – it is also quite boring!

I did go to a widows catch up over the weekend, and as usual it felt like the right thing to do. It’s always good to get other perspectives on different things and I usually walk away from them with something new to think about. The conversation is always varied and interesting depending on who comes along, and I find that it gives me back some balance in a lot of ways.

I have also had a couple of conversations with people this week that I wasn’t necessarily expecting to have, one on the phone and one face to face. Both of those conversations have helped to put some stuff into place for me, and reaffirmed decisions I have made and opinions I have held. I so often second guess myself about a million things, so when something comes along that reinforces what I have thought it is a good feeling.

We have a full on count down happening now for the arrival of our new little human… and I can’t wait – hopefully what ever grossness I have right now is long gone when that all happens! The Squish is going to get quite the surprise, as he is currently the center of our universe. The new addition has been talked about a whole lot, but as we all know theory and reality are quite different! He did suggest the other day that perhaps baby could live at Birdies house – fine with me, but his parents are not so keen!

I hope you have a good week, manage to avoid whatever the current health bugs are, and that the universe is kind to you x

This weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to be part of a good friends 5-year anniversary since the death of her person celebration at the beach. She and I met through the support group and have been friends since our first interaction. Another friend introduced us at the first Camp Widow conference I attended and asked for me to be added to the online forum; She jokingly said no, and I told her to F#@& off – as I do! – and we have been friends ever since.

She and I have a whole lot in common, we travelled together to Vietnam earlier this year, and I have been part of her remembering her person – Chris, before. We often share stories and memories – two years ago I took her to Cabba where we had an amazing day remembering and watching the whales. She came with me this year for Clayties anniversary in July, and we went snorkelling with turtles. It is a good feeling to have someone in your world who really understands how shitty the grief rollercoaster actually is – and to be at the same place with it – 5 years.

We were talking the other day about how strange it feels for 5 to be such a hard year, and not really knowing why. This year has been really hard for her too. For some reason, all the feelings seem really amplified and the build up to the actual dates has been horrible. For me, this year and the second year after Claytie died have been the hardest. I think maybe it is to do with realisation, the shock has worn off and the realities of life now are kind of firmly established. There is the looking forward at what life now looks like, dating (or not) and trying to figure out what you really want from what is left. There have been a whole lot of changed relationships, and all the highs and lows that come your way… and coming to terms with doing all of those things on your own without your person.

So, on Friday, we packed the car and left right after work for Caloundra – a place that holds special memories for her. The traffic was kind of shitty, but the reward of getting there was worth it. We checked into our accommodation and then went back out nearly straight away. We have a friend (who is also a widow) who lives up there, and her partner was performing at one of the local restaurants – our destination for dinner! Yummy food, good company and live music – a great way to start the weekend!

Saturday morning we got up for sunrise. It’s a spectacular time of day and it’s a fabulous way of contemplating your place in the world. Listening to the waves while sitting and taking a moment just helps to put a whole lot of things into perspective. After some brekky and a cup of tea, we went back up the hill to one of the parks that was a favourite spot for Chris and sprinkled some of his ashes. It is a tradition now for bits of him to be left in all of the places that my friend travels to – something that is both beautiful and bittersweet, and does not get easier to do. We had plenty of laughs to go with the tears, joking about which way the wind was blowing so as to not inhale any ashes.

Lots of food and drinks, as well as a memorial tattoo (created by the widowed friend mentioned earlier) and more live music rounded out the weekend. It was emotional and exhausting and I feel really privileged to have been part of it. If it hadn’t been for our people dying I would not have this friend in my world, and I am grateful for her part in it x

So this week I had a bit of a challenge. My mother in law came to my house for dinner…. I invited her.

I know to most people that doesn’t sound like a particularly big deal – and it probably really isn’t, but for me it was a challenge.

She and I have always had quite a superficial relationship. In the early days I tried to like her, and to be liked by her, but the more I got to know, the less I liked. Over the years it has been quite difficult, but I have always been polite and I have always done the right thing because she is Clayties mother and she is my kids grandmother.

There are a million reasons for my opinion of her, but I am not here to air that laundry.. suffice it to say we are not each others favourite people.

She recently told the boys that she is not well, and they have been concerned. They had all considered going to her for a visit, but had not yet managed to get there – she lives in the Hunter Valley. They knew that she had been thinking of coming for a visit, but not when or for how long. She announced her arrival to one of the boys on Friday, and to make it easier for them I organised family dinner at my place. I found it difficult and awkward, but I think the boys appreciated it, and I know that it is what Claytie would have done.

It’s a hard thing when your person dies because a whole lot of relationships change. Some of those changes are really really hard, and others can be a blessing…. But either way it is something else to navigate. This one has always been difficult.

So this week I have had to do something that I find stupidly difficult… my tax.

I have never been good at anything financial – that was always Clayties job. I was always very happy to be the ‘kept housewife’ and leave him in charge of all that stuff! I find it all incredibly overwhelming and it makes my anxiety come to life in a full force kind of way. I dont really know why I struggle with it so much, but I always have. I’m completely aware that my reaction to it all (tax, budgets, finance in general) is completely out of proportion… but it is usually a full freak out situation, with an abundance of tears and snot!

The last few years I have had one of the boys help me with it, and it’s been manageable, even with having to pay extra. This year I was on my own – with the accountant! I spent a whole chunk of the day trying to make sure I had all the bits and pieces ready – without having a clue which bits and pieces I actually needed!

I survived! The accountant was incredibly kind and patient, explaining and translating all kinds of things, and even praised me for having (almost) everything I needed ready at hand…. And at this stage it even looks like I might get some money back! I’m actually pretty proud of myself that I managed to get through it with minimal meltdowns…. And I know that’s kind of ridiculous because most people my age do not have a crisis over this kind of stuff!

Who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!?… although it will be interesting to see if I can repeat it all again next year!

So today was one of those days that came with a hard slap.

I had some stuff to fix with my pool … in the last little while I’ve had a leak, which has been fixed, but it’s been a bit of a mission to get it back to clean. The pool was always Clayties thing to fix, so it’s been a learning curve to figure it all out. It’s probably not actually that hard, but it’s just something else I have had to take on since he died. I have spent a whole lot of time and money on it in the last few years… chemicals, new pump, new cleaner etc.

I went to get the water tested the other day and was told that it looked like maybe the chlorinator was not working properly, and to bring it in to get looked at. Should be simple… right?! I took out the part that I thought they needed (with some help from my dad!) and the guys in the shop kind of laughed at me… I had only given them half of what they needed. Back home, and some more wrangling to get the other bit. In the car again to drop it off… luckily the shop isn’t too far away, but still a nuisance. I was told it would probably take a couple of days… no drama.

Home again… and onto the rest of the chores that happen when I have a day off. I had just sat down with a cuppa, when my phone pinged with an incoming message – and the slap…. Hi Clayton and Robbie, your item is ready for collection.

It is always such a shock and surprise now when something comes that is addressed to Claytie. I know it’s not done intentionally – I had asked them to change the details in their system to be just mine, and mostly that has been the case, but not today.

It feels a little bit like a set back? … you catch your breath and there is a bit of a lag in your brain as you go through a kind of ‘is he here, no he isn’t, he died’ reset. It’s not that you’ve forgotten, you can’t… but there’s a bit of a glitch that happens, and it brings the sadness back to the front. It’s not something I can fix or change, and I think it will always happen in a situation like that….and it is always unexpected!

Anyway, once I sorted myself out – of course there were tears! I went back to the pool shop and found out that the chlorinator was not actually broken, it was just on the wrong setting! … maybe the whole thing was a message from Claytie!

I had a conversation with someone new to my circle the other day about how much of a role Claytie still plays in my world. I think a lot of people think that when a person dies everything kind of just stops… and maybe for some people that is the case!? I know that most of the widowed people in my world still have a relationship with their person – it’s just very very different now.

For me, journaling every night is like a conversation with Claytie just before I go to bed. I tell him about my day, the boys and just what ever else is happening in my world. I have been doing it since about a week after he died and it’s a huge thing for me now. Music for me is another way of communicating with him… I know that sounds a bit weird, but stay with me!

I have a huge playlist that I listen to all the time… there are all kinds of things in there, and I add more to it all the time. I love to sing along in the car or at home… and it’s part of my ‘conversations’ with Claytie. I often talk aloud to him and if I have questions, I get answers in the form of the songs that play (the list is shuffled and random) There are songs that for me have particular meanings, and others that will have an answer that I maybe wasn’t expecting…. And often when I’m feeling sad, exactly the right song will play and it’s almost like getting a hug.

This weekend was full of music and interesting people for me; great conversations and a really happy energy and it’s been a huge lift – even with the very very late nights involved. Friday night was karaoke with a new friend.. I love it – it’s been a thing for at least 4 years pretty regularly now, but was also a source of happiness before Claytie died. I love the energy in the room, and the people watching is fabulous! The crowd is always super varied, and I love trying to predict and being surprised by the song choices. Good conversation with an interesting person was an added bonus!

I have also discovered a new happy place.. Doo-bop bar in Brisbane city. It has been around for a little while, but is new for me. It’s a hole in the wall piano bar where they play all the music that everyone knows and people joyfully sing along and dance their hearts out! A couple of girlfriends and I went on Saturday night and it was such a fun night out!!

I love having new adventures and I love when that involves music and happy, joyful energy! It is an absolute boost and it usually stays with me for a while.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day… one of those getting to know each other conversations where the most random questions come out, and I was asked if I am happy. I think at the time I gave kind of a glib answer… but I have been thinking about it ever since.

I think it is an interesting thing to really think about… it’s so easy to just say yes or no depending on the day, but to really deep dive into it is a different thing! To look at the whole and to assign percentages, to quantify how much of your life is happy or unhappy. We all have things that are hard, or sad or annoying… but how much of that negativity is real and lasting, and how much is a fleeting moment that we give entirely too much weight to!?

I absolutely think that for the most part I am happy – and I recognise that the last few posts have probably not shown that! The last month or so has been rough with all the hard dates, but even with Claytie dying, with all of the grief and the feelings that come with it, which are real and need to be honoured, the balance in my life definitely tips more to the happy side.

I made a choice, very early on in the piece, that I don’t want to be a sad and miserable person. It is a choice that I have to consciously make every day. Some days it can be really really hard, and sometimes I just have to admit defeat and sit with the negative; but I don’t allow myself to stay there for too long… the boys would be disappointed with me if I did, and I can imagine (loudly) what Claytie would have to say about it!

I chose to be grateful for all of the positive things in my life – and there are an overwhelming number of those. I chose to look for silver linings and different perspectives – sometimes that takes a little while, and I start with a less positive emotion, but mostly, when I take a step back I can put a different spin onto things. – and I do that for myself. It is not necessarily about the other person, but rather about me and how I live with whatever it was.

I also feel that for me, getting the negative stuff out of my brain absolutely helps to tip me back to positive. I journal every night and that helps to process the day. I talk to any number of people constantly and that also helps – and it gives perspective… and then there is this blog which I have found incredibly useful.

These days I am much more mindful about how I am feeling, and letting myself have the negative moments when I need them. It has been a hard thing to learn. Maybe it’s an age thing, or life experience, but I have reached a point where I am much less concerned about what other people think. Obviously there are opinions that are really important to me, that I value enormously, but on the whole I just can’t take on the added weight of what people think about me, I just have to do what I have to do to be ok… and that is ok!

For some reason, and I am not sure there is just one reason, this year has felt really, really heavy – and not just for me. My mum commented pretty much the same thing to me the other day. The weight of grief has been particularly heavy in the last month, with all of the anniversary dates around Claytie, and my resilience and ability to ‘bounce back’ just hasn’t been the same. It has been hard! – and when I look back over the year, there have been some pretty big things both in my world and the boys.

At the beginning of the year, the relationship I was in and one that I could see a bright future with, ended very abruptly. It was not my choice, but is absolutely done for me. It seems that the other person is still hanging on in a whole lot of ways, and that’s been really hard and confusing too. Just when I get to a place of being ok… something will happen to rock that boat again, and it feels like I slide backwards a bit.

One of my boys had a big disappointment around a holiday at the start of the year, and I had some concerns around how he would cope with that. There was a lot of stress around it, trying to find a solution. That situation was fine in the end, but the relationship he was in at the time ended a few months after that, which was also hugely sad and difficult because he thought he had found his forever person too.

We have since had another of the boys relationships break down, and none of us saw that one coming. They have been together for such a long time, and I think we all thought it was set in stone. No one expected that the two of them would ever break up; and there is now a whole new grief for him (and for the rest of us) to have to deal with and get through.

Helping your kids with their heartbreak is really hard! I am a fixer, and I can’t fix this. It really sux! I wish more than anything that I could make things better – or have some kind of crystal ball to see what’s coming for us next so we can brace for it…. But all of this stuff is just life;and I know that we are no different to anyone else. I also know that the majority of our lives are pretty good, and that we are actually really lucky! … sometimes you just have to sit and stew for a minute before you can see the sun again.

As Claytie would say, it is what it is, there is nothing you can do, you just have to get through it and get on with it! So that’s what we’re doing.