Chapter Two - Dating disasters and other delights

On Friday of last week I attended a First Light Widowed event. This one was a one day event – in the past they have been several days over a weekend, but due to funding difficulties (widowhood is not a sexy thing to raise money for, even tho it is desperately needed) this year the organisation reduced the conference to one day events that they have taken to different cities.

I have always really enjoyed these conference events. I have connected with a whole bunch of people, and met some of my closest friends here. I have found them to be incredibly helpful and reassuring and would absolutely recommend them to anyone who is widowed, especially for those whose grief is band new. This time for me was a bit different, and I was surprised by that.

This time, and I think for the first time, I have seen how far I have come since Claytie died. I felt like a whole lot of the content of the conference was not really that useful to me anymore because I have moved through it, and on from it. Its was mostly targeted at those widows whose journey is just starting. It’s a bit of a weird feeling to be honest, because half the time I’m still a complete mess!

I think I’m always going to want to attend the events, but maybe next time I will do it as a volunteer (or maybe as a presenter again). It’s a nice feeling to be able to give back, and perhaps give hope to a newly widowed person the same way that I found hope when I first went. The community and the support are something that you can only get from people who are walking a similar path to you, and I am incredibly grateful to have found this group.

So the very best thing happened on Tuesday of last week…. The Peanut made his arrival in the world! Mum, dad, big and little brother are all doing very well and adjusting to life as a family of four! … and we all have a new, perfect little human to love!

I am feeling all of the feels with this – as I always do. Missing Claytie is such a big part in all of this, but I knew to expect it I let myself have a big old ugly cry at 2am, when I found out baby had been born! I have learned that I need to let the feelings happen, and sometimes play the ‘what if’s’ because if I don’t, and I just bottle it all up, I actually feel a whole lot worse for a whole lot longer.

Anyway, I had my moment – I’m sure I’ll have more, but now it’s time to get to know and enjoy the new little man! He is the tiniest little bundle – 2862 grams or 6lb3oz if you’re old school, and his big brother is fascinated! It is the nicest thing to see a concept come to life and for the Squish to figure out what it all means. Every chance he gets, he wants to look at and touch baby. He helps to get nappies and wipes when it’s time for a change, he is curious about feeding and he loves all the little noises… and he loves the attention that he is getting for being the big brother.

I’m excited to see how they all adapt to being a family of four. The uncles are excited to have another little mate to play with, and my parents are delighted at their expanding Great-grandparent status! .. and I am Birdie, and that just makes my heart sing!

Some days really sting… and you don’t see them coming!

I was invited to go to grandparents day at the Squish’s daycare. An invitation I have absolutely been waiting for. I remember when my kids were little and how proud and excited they were to have their grandparents come to school so they could show off all the things they liked to do. It’s one of those grandparent privileges that makes your heart sing!

I arrived right on time, and the Squish was super happy to see me! I usually pick him up once a week and bring him home to my place to hang out with the uncles before I take him back home. – I think he thought that’s what was happening today, and he was ready to go home! Instead we sat and drew a bunch of pictures, had morning tea and read some stories. He was pretty excited to hear that his other grandma (Didi) was also coming to hang out. But his biggest excitement was for Didi’s partner ‘Petey’s’ arrival.

I’m super happy that he has Grandpa figures in his world that he loves, but I am so so sad that Claytie isn’t here to be one of them. I was not really prepared for how hard that hit me this morning, seeing the Squish run up to and cuddle Petey when he got there. It was almost like a punch that I didn’t see coming. Claytie would have adored grandparents day, and assuming he wasn’t working away, would have been there in a heartbeat playing the clown for all the kids.

I know too that he would be just as excited, counting down for the arrival of our new baby, and the fact that he’s not here is a hurt that is not ever going to go away. Stuff like this is really really hard, and sneaks in to bite even tho you know it’s always there. Grief is a very weird thing, and five years in I still don’t know how to navigate it. The only thing I keep coming back to is that ‘it is what it is’.

So with a bit of time on my hands being on holidays, I decided to dip my toe back into the dating pond. I want to meet people to have fun with and to hang out, but it is actually just as nasty as I remember.

It is absolutely a numbers game. You swipe right on 20 people and maybe one or two swipe back. You start a conversation to try and gauge who they are as a person, and sometimes it is very clear, very quickly. other times it takes a little while and you start getting just a little bit hopeful! … that’s a dangerous thing!

You chat for a while and maybe a phone call or two, and then you organise to meet in person. Again, sometimes the negative outcome is super clear right from the beginning, and other times you have a fabulous time talking about all kinds of things… thinking that perhaps there’s a mutual spark. … and then the ghosting happens. Longer and longer between messages, until you get no more responses, and then they hit on your friend!

I have had that happen now a couple of times, people chatting with me and then moving onto my friends (sometimes after they have met them in person while with me!) … luckily we have a pretty strong girl code and will check in with each other, and if there has been a date it’s a no, but it’s pretty demoralising in so many ways. It sparks a whole lot of second guessing and negative thinking and it feels really yucky!

I really don’t think that the dating world is a sport I am cut out for! It is entirely too hard to judge someone’s else’s motivation on the apps. I know my intent and honesty, but have no clue about the people on the site. It is entirely too hard, time consuming and frustrating, so I think I am going back into time out, but if anyone has any ideas for a better way to meet people, please let me know!

This week, and for two more after it, I am on leave from work. I have no firm plans – we are on baby watch, and it feels soooo lovely! For the most part, I like my job… but I like not being at work a whole lot more!

I am really looking forward to some slow, easy and unplanned days… and of course baby coming! I have some stuff I want to get sorted around the house, and people I am looking forward to catching up with. It feels a little bit decadent to have this chunk of time off… but I am really going to enjoy it. I haven’t taken time like this for a long time, normally I am off going places – which I also love! It’s nice to have the balance.

I started my days off with an Oktoberfest celebration with some friends and had a fabulous night! Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a sucker for a fancy dress! – I think that if you have to invest in a costume, you are invested in having a good time!… and what’s not to love about a night out with friends, good food, cold drinks, great music and a fun atmosphere!

I have also taken a very quick overnight trip up to Caloundra for some sand and salt water therapy, and to get a new tattoo (well, two actually!). I have a good friend who lives up there who is a tattoo artist, so it was really nice to have her do it and spend the time with her and her partner! I have an existing tattoo on my ankle that is a whole story. It has all of our family birth flowers as part of it , and I have added one each for the squish and the new baby as well has having it touched up. I also got a new piece done on my sternum, which I am also super happy with.

I feel like right now, I am in a good place – that can obviously change anytime (it has before) but right now it’s good! I have a whole lot of things that I am looking forward to. I wish everyday that Claytie was here to share all of this with me, that will never change, but I am grateful for all of the experiences and new people that have come into my world since he died. I am choosing, as much as possible, to make each day a good one … it is what it is!

This week was another quiet one… the lingering effects of whatever nastiness I had have been all kinds of fun! I have learned tho that I am not great at feeling miserable, and too much time on my own leads to all kinds of pity parties! … both actually things that I did already know, but have once again been reinforced!

To snap out of the funk I was in, I got myself organised, loaded up the adventure bed (something of a mission with a lack of fitness and decreased lung capacity from coughing) and took myself for a drive to the beach! It is honestly the very best way that I know to reset my brain! A perfect blue sky day, crystal clear water, whales and dolphins all make it really hard to stay miserable! … and a cuppa with a friend on the way home also helped!

It’s really easy to let yourself fall into a hole when you’re not feeling well and have spent entirely too much time on your own. I get an energy recharge from spending time with people, so when I don’t have that it’s easy to spiral into negative thinking. I know when I am doing it that it’s not right, but it’s really hard to get out of it when you don’t have the energy to do anything else… it’s a nasty vicious circle! I try really hard not to let myself stay down for too long… but do acknowledge that the feelings are valid and need to be felt.

The other thing that always helps is time with the Squish! He is just so full of life and joy that you have to cheer up (and collapse with exhaustion when he goes home!) … toddler energy is something else! I get to have him every Tuesday afternoon. I pick him up from daycare and bring him home to hang out at Birdies house. I love the chatting in the car – why is a favourite question for everything… and I love watching him with the uncles… it’s just love!

I’m happy to have only 4 days of work to get through and then 3 weeks off while we wait for Baby Brother to make his arrival!… I can’t wait! I know that it will be bittersweet missing Claytie for such a big life event, but I know that the love will be there from all of us x

This week has been a pretty quiet one for me, I have managed to pick up some kind of lurgy and have been feeling pretty miserable and sorry for myself. Constant coughing and having a very sore throat has not been fun, and while a couple of days resting has been good for recuperation – it is also quite boring!

I did go to a widows catch up over the weekend, and as usual it felt like the right thing to do. It’s always good to get other perspectives on different things and I usually walk away from them with something new to think about. The conversation is always varied and interesting depending on who comes along, and I find that it gives me back some balance in a lot of ways.

I have also had a couple of conversations with people this week that I wasn’t necessarily expecting to have, one on the phone and one face to face. Both of those conversations have helped to put some stuff into place for me, and reaffirmed decisions I have made and opinions I have held. I so often second guess myself about a million things, so when something comes along that reinforces what I have thought it is a good feeling.

We have a full on count down happening now for the arrival of our new little human… and I can’t wait – hopefully what ever grossness I have right now is long gone when that all happens! The Squish is going to get quite the surprise, as he is currently the center of our universe. The new addition has been talked about a whole lot, but as we all know theory and reality are quite different! He did suggest the other day that perhaps baby could live at Birdies house – fine with me, but his parents are not so keen!

I hope you have a good week, manage to avoid whatever the current health bugs are, and that the universe is kind to you x

This weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to be part of a good friends 5-year anniversary since the death of her person celebration at the beach. She and I met through the support group and have been friends since our first interaction. Another friend introduced us at the first Camp Widow conference I attended and asked for me to be added to the online forum; She jokingly said no, and I told her to F#@& off – as I do! – and we have been friends ever since.

She and I have a whole lot in common, we travelled together to Vietnam earlier this year, and I have been part of her remembering her person – Chris, before. We often share stories and memories – two years ago I took her to Cabba where we had an amazing day remembering and watching the whales. She came with me this year for Clayties anniversary in July, and we went snorkelling with turtles. It is a good feeling to have someone in your world who really understands how shitty the grief rollercoaster actually is – and to be at the same place with it – 5 years.

We were talking the other day about how strange it feels for 5 to be such a hard year, and not really knowing why. This year has been really hard for her too. For some reason, all the feelings seem really amplified and the build up to the actual dates has been horrible. For me, this year and the second year after Claytie died have been the hardest. I think maybe it is to do with realisation, the shock has worn off and the realities of life now are kind of firmly established. There is the looking forward at what life now looks like, dating (or not) and trying to figure out what you really want from what is left. There have been a whole lot of changed relationships, and all the highs and lows that come your way… and coming to terms with doing all of those things on your own without your person.

So, on Friday, we packed the car and left right after work for Caloundra – a place that holds special memories for her. The traffic was kind of shitty, but the reward of getting there was worth it. We checked into our accommodation and then went back out nearly straight away. We have a friend (who is also a widow) who lives up there, and her partner was performing at one of the local restaurants – our destination for dinner! Yummy food, good company and live music – a great way to start the weekend!

Saturday morning we got up for sunrise. It’s a spectacular time of day and it’s a fabulous way of contemplating your place in the world. Listening to the waves while sitting and taking a moment just helps to put a whole lot of things into perspective. After some brekky and a cup of tea, we went back up the hill to one of the parks that was a favourite spot for Chris and sprinkled some of his ashes. It is a tradition now for bits of him to be left in all of the places that my friend travels to – something that is both beautiful and bittersweet, and does not get easier to do. We had plenty of laughs to go with the tears, joking about which way the wind was blowing so as to not inhale any ashes.

Lots of food and drinks, as well as a memorial tattoo (created by the widowed friend mentioned earlier) and more live music rounded out the weekend. It was emotional and exhausting and I feel really privileged to have been part of it. If it hadn’t been for our people dying I would not have this friend in my world, and I am grateful for her part in it x

So this week I had a bit of a challenge. My mother in law came to my house for dinner…. I invited her.

I know to most people that doesn’t sound like a particularly big deal – and it probably really isn’t, but for me it was a challenge.

She and I have always had quite a superficial relationship. In the early days I tried to like her, and to be liked by her, but the more I got to know, the less I liked. Over the years it has been quite difficult, but I have always been polite and I have always done the right thing because she is Clayties mother and she is my kids grandmother.

There are a million reasons for my opinion of her, but I am not here to air that laundry.. suffice it to say we are not each others favourite people.

She recently told the boys that she is not well, and they have been concerned. They had all considered going to her for a visit, but had not yet managed to get there – she lives in the Hunter Valley. They knew that she had been thinking of coming for a visit, but not when or for how long. She announced her arrival to one of the boys on Friday, and to make it easier for them I organised family dinner at my place. I found it difficult and awkward, but I think the boys appreciated it, and I know that it is what Claytie would have done.

It’s a hard thing when your person dies because a whole lot of relationships change. Some of those changes are really really hard, and others can be a blessing…. But either way it is something else to navigate. This one has always been difficult.

So this week I have had to do something that I find stupidly difficult… my tax.

I have never been good at anything financial – that was always Clayties job. I was always very happy to be the ‘kept housewife’ and leave him in charge of all that stuff! I find it all incredibly overwhelming and it makes my anxiety come to life in a full force kind of way. I dont really know why I struggle with it so much, but I always have. I’m completely aware that my reaction to it all (tax, budgets, finance in general) is completely out of proportion… but it is usually a full freak out situation, with an abundance of tears and snot!

The last few years I have had one of the boys help me with it, and it’s been manageable, even with having to pay extra. This year I was on my own – with the accountant! I spent a whole chunk of the day trying to make sure I had all the bits and pieces ready – without having a clue which bits and pieces I actually needed!

I survived! The accountant was incredibly kind and patient, explaining and translating all kinds of things, and even praised me for having (almost) everything I needed ready at hand…. And at this stage it even looks like I might get some money back! I’m actually pretty proud of myself that I managed to get through it with minimal meltdowns…. And I know that’s kind of ridiculous because most people my age do not have a crisis over this kind of stuff!

Who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!?… although it will be interesting to see if I can repeat it all again next year!