So this last weekend was a weird one for me. It did not go to plan at all and was kind of unexpected!

Brisbane had all kinds of weather warnings coming into this weekend. Notifications for wild weather and flash flooding. We were lucky and only had a couple of days of showers, so nothing too nasty. I was actually quite looking forward to having some mooching and bed-rotting pyjama days. I have a crochet project that I am working on (and am frustratingly close to finishing) as well as a series of books that I am in the middle of. I also have some ‘house projects’ that I thought I’d work through… linen cupboard and my wardrobe… so actually a perfect weekend for those things.

The grief/anxiety rollercoaster had other plans for me. Saturday was Valentine’s Day… I hadn’t really thought anything much of it to be honest! It’s not ever really been a thing for Claytie and I… in fact if I was going to get flowers, they would usually be a week later, out of the clearance bin and half dead! But for some reason, this year packed a bit of a pity-party punch!

I’m not sure if it was being home alone with the dogs, the rainy weather, or just because it’s been a while, but I had a pretty miserable (tears and snot, ugly crying) kind of day… and I didn’t see it coming! Grief is funny like that, sometimes you know for sure you’re going to have a hard day so you can kind of ‘arm’ yourself in preparation, other times it just sideswipes you from nowhere and you’re left reeling!

The other thing that has got me shaky at the moment, is needing to buy a new car, and that sounds crazy too – it should be an exciting thing … and it was last time I did it … 12 years ago with Claytie for my birthday! I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of having to make a choice, at the thought of organising finance and at the thought of selling a car that has a whole lot of memories attached to it. I want a new car, I need a new car, it’s a sensible choice and time for a new car, and it feels like I have a mountain to climb to do it. … and I wasn’t expecting that feeling either.

I’m letting myself sit with and acknowledge all of those feelings, and I know it will be fine when it happens (just like everything else I have ever felt anxious about), but I am constantly surprised at the feelings and things that surprise me. Change is actually the only thing that is constant in life for any of us. We are all changing all of the time… and it feels crazy to be so resistant to it, but when it is something that feels really big, or has so many memories attached it takes a minute to process.

So that’s where I am at right now… I’m going to baby step my way through it, and hope for the best. I have great people in my world to help me with my research and eventual choice, and to just sit with me and let me talk it out loud – tears and all! I know I can do this – I have done much, much harder things and I have survived them all, and let’s face it… it’s just a car; and as the big man would say, it is what it is and you just have to do it! x