Some days really sting… and you don’t see them coming!

I was invited to go to grandparents day at the Squish’s daycare. An invitation I have absolutely been waiting for. I remember when my kids were little and how proud and excited they were to have their grandparents come to school so they could show off all the things they liked to do. It’s one of those grandparent privileges that makes your heart sing!

I arrived right on time, and the Squish was super happy to see me! I usually pick him up once a week and bring him home to my place to hang out with the uncles before I take him back home. – I think he thought that’s what was happening today, and he was ready to go home! Instead we sat and drew a bunch of pictures, had morning tea and read some stories. He was pretty excited to hear that his other grandma (Didi) was also coming to hang out. But his biggest excitement was for Didi’s partner ‘Petey’s’ arrival.

I’m super happy that he has Grandpa figures in his world that he loves, but I am so so sad that Claytie isn’t here to be one of them. I was not really prepared for how hard that hit me this morning, seeing the Squish run up to and cuddle Petey when he got there. It was almost like a punch that I didn’t see coming. Claytie would have adored grandparents day, and assuming he wasn’t working away, would have been there in a heartbeat playing the clown for all the kids.

I know too that he would be just as excited, counting down for the arrival of our new baby, and the fact that he’s not here is a hurt that is not ever going to go away. Stuff like this is really really hard, and sneaks in to bite even tho you know it’s always there. Grief is a very weird thing, and five years in I still don’t know how to navigate it. The only thing I keep coming back to is that ‘it is what it is’.