I was having a conversation with someone the other day… one of those getting to know each other conversations where the most random questions come out, and I was asked if I am happy. I think at the time I gave kind of a glib answer… but I have been thinking about it ever since.

I think it is an interesting thing to really think about… it’s so easy to just say yes or no depending on the day, but to really deep dive into it is a different thing! To look at the whole and to assign percentages, to quantify how much of your life is happy or unhappy. We all have things that are hard, or sad or annoying… but how much of that negativity is real and lasting, and how much is a fleeting moment that we give entirely too much weight to!?

I absolutely think that for the most part I am happy – and I recognise that the last few posts have probably not shown that! The last month or so has been rough with all the hard dates, but even with Claytie dying, with all of the grief and the feelings that come with it, which are real and need to be honoured, the balance in my life definitely tips more to the happy side.

I made a choice, very early on in the piece, that I don’t want to be a sad and miserable person. It is a choice that I have to consciously make every day. Some days it can be really really hard, and sometimes I just have to admit defeat and sit with the negative; but I don’t allow myself to stay there for too long… the boys would be disappointed with me if I did, and I can imagine (loudly) what Claytie would have to say about it!

I chose to be grateful for all of the positive things in my life – and there are an overwhelming number of those. I chose to look for silver linings and different perspectives – sometimes that takes a little while, and I start with a less positive emotion, but mostly, when I take a step back I can put a different spin onto things. – and I do that for myself. It is not necessarily about the other person, but rather about me and how I live with whatever it was.

I also feel that for me, getting the negative stuff out of my brain absolutely helps to tip me back to positive. I journal every night and that helps to process the day. I talk to any number of people constantly and that also helps – and it gives perspective… and then there is this blog which I have found incredibly useful.

These days I am much more mindful about how I am feeling, and letting myself have the negative moments when I need them. It has been a hard thing to learn. Maybe it’s an age thing, or life experience, but I have reached a point where I am much less concerned about what other people think. Obviously there are opinions that are really important to me, that I value enormously, but on the whole I just can’t take on the added weight of what people think about me, I just have to do what I have to do to be ok… and that is ok!