For some reason, and I am not sure there is just one reason, this year has felt really, really heavy – and not just for me. My mum commented pretty much the same thing to me the other day. The weight of grief has been particularly heavy in the last month, with all of the anniversary dates around Claytie, and my resilience and ability to ‘bounce back’ just hasn’t been the same. It has been hard! – and when I look back over the year, there have been some pretty big things both in my world and the boys.

At the beginning of the year, the relationship I was in and one that I could see a bright future with, ended very abruptly. It was not my choice, but is absolutely done for me. It seems that the other person is still hanging on in a whole lot of ways, and that’s been really hard and confusing too. Just when I get to a place of being ok… something will happen to rock that boat again, and it feels like I slide backwards a bit.

One of my boys had a big disappointment around a holiday at the start of the year, and I had some concerns around how he would cope with that. There was a lot of stress around it, trying to find a solution. That situation was fine in the end, but the relationship he was in at the time ended a few months after that, which was also hugely sad and difficult because he thought he had found his forever person too.

We have since had another of the boys relationships break down, and none of us saw that one coming. They have been together for such a long time, and I think we all thought it was set in stone. No one expected that the two of them would ever break up; and there is now a whole new grief for him (and for the rest of us) to have to deal with and get through.

Helping your kids with their heartbreak is really hard! I am a fixer, and I can’t fix this. It really sux! I wish more than anything that I could make things better – or have some kind of crystal ball to see what’s coming for us next so we can brace for it…. But all of this stuff is just life;and I know that we are no different to anyone else. I also know that the majority of our lives are pretty good, and that we are actually really lucky! … sometimes you just have to sit and stew for a minute before you can see the sun again.

As Claytie would say, it is what it is, there is nothing you can do, you just have to get through it and get on with it! So that’s what we’re doing.