So this week is Clayties birthday. He would be 52 yeas old, and I am sure there would be a whole lot of teasing him about that. Instead, he stopped at 46 and we have to remember who he was. The joy he brought into our lives with his infectious giggle and his love for life. It hurts and it sux! Regardless of where he started the day, at home or working away, it would begin with an Iced Coffee – he loved the stuff, and I miss having the empty bottles cluttering up the bin.

I have been looking at photo memories on social media, and while there are a whole lot of smiles and love in them, there is also a whole lot of sadness. There is the big obvious one – Claytie is gone and I will never get the chance to make more memories or take more pictures of him, but there is also sadness about the other people in those memories. So many people have moved themselves away from us. Friends and people who were family are no longer part of our world, and that really hurts too. There are so many layers to grief. Sometimes they settle and you think that maybe you’re ok with those parts now, but they are actually always there and will come to the surface when you’re not ready for them.

I have really not been doing too well with all of these dates this year. For some reason they feel a whole lot heavier again, almost like they were at the beginning. I don’t know if it’s because it 5 years and that feels really significant, or if it is just where I am at in my life right now. A friend said to me the other day -‘you seem lost’, and that is exactly how I feel. Lost, without an anchor, drifting.

It really is a rollercoaster, and for me, the surprise is just how hard and heavy things are 5years down the track. I know that I will never not miss Claytie, but all those statements about time healing things are a load of crap! The only thing that time has given me, is permission to feel the feelings as they come up; to not let myself worry about what other people think about where I am at and what I am doing. It is what it is, and I am who I am, and I have to do and feel what I have to do and feel.

I am ok and it’s not all bad and sad, there are definitely good things in my world, but under it all is just an emptiness. I am trying hard not to let myself stay there. I’ve given myself permission to just get through all of these dates and then I’ll pull myself back together, but it’s hard.