July is exhausting. It is all the emotional build up and then the big, sad dates. All the memories and replaying moments… the lack of sleep because of the dreams and nightmares. I have found that it hasn’t really got any easier, and even though I should know by now what to expect, there are still so many moments that catch me off guard.

The other day I got into my sons car (he wanted Clayties car and after a whole lot of conversation and deliberation between all of us he bought it from me) .. we were going to a friends party, carpooling; I got the front seat and there in the footwell was an empty bottle of iced coffee. That took me right back to driving with Claytie in that car. He always had empty iced coffee bottles in there, he drank gallons of the stuff, and seeing that one on that day just floored me – again.

Facebook is also hard… memories that come up. I love them and that they are there, but it is also really tough. Today was the anniversary of our last date. We took ourselves for a big drive all around the Noosa hinterland area and through the glass house mountains. We had the most spectacular day, calling ourselves ‘speed tourists’ cause we didn’t stay anywhere for too long, but we managed to pack so many things into the one day. It was fun and happy and it makes me sad that all I have left is a memory and we don’t get to do it again.

It’s having the Squish looking at family photos, there is a big one in the room we change his nappy in, and him knowing all of the people, except for his Grandpa Claytie, and wishing more than anything that he did. It is all the memories and songs that play randomly. It’s those moments, that you can’t prepare for that are some of the hardest. They can happen anywhere and any time, and they are just as hard now as they were when he first died.

It’s also really hard having all of those feelings, and trying to hold it all together. Trying to function at work and just getting through each day. Finding any sort of motivation and pushing myself to do things anyway. Sometimes that works and I have a nice time, other times it just feels like a punishment… but the alternative of sitting at home just being sad is also not great… it’s just July!