So this year – this week, I should be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary. It feels surreal that Claytie is not here for such a big milestone. There have been four others without him, but for some reason the fact that it is a ’round’ number has really played with my head, and the build up for it has been a whole lot this time…. in fact it has been that for all of the dates coming up this year.

The last anniversary that we got to celebrate together was our Silver one. 25years of being married, but we had been together for 28 at that point. I had a couple of weeks annual leave from work and he was between projects – it was also a period between COVID lock downs which helped to make it possible for us to have a road trip. We decided to head to the Hunter Valley for a couple of days with his mum – probably not how I thought we would spend it, but money was a bit tight and we actually had a really nice time. We spent a couple of days doing a bunch of stuff with his mum (her birthday was the day after our anniversary) and then a full day driving around to a whole of vineyards. Claytie was the designated driver – he was not a fan of wine, and was happy to drive… and it was really lovely. We had a beautiful lunch, and I was very lucky to receive a diamond pendant from him.

My gift for Claytie that year was much less lavish.. I bought him a new stainless steel cup – he had one that was his favourite for a really long time, but it got damaged and was no longer usable. It was a bit of a search to find the right replacement cup for him, but eventually I did, and I had it engraved – “Here’s cheers to another 25 years”. He never actually used it… He died 12 days later.

It’s funny the things that you remember – those things that are always right at the front of your mind, and then random things that pop into your head. Things that just make you smile, before the reality of the situation comes back in to set you straight. The lead up to all of the yucky dates is a huge time of introspection for me. There are so many memories, photos and videos that I love to go through that are just as hard as they are happy. I remember the first conversation that we had. We were on the school ski trip, and he was on a mission to take photos with everyone. He popped into the girls cabin and made us all pose with him, I can’t remember who actually took the photo, but it’s our first together. They are memories that (along with all of the others) I will cherish.

This year, I have taken the day for myself. I know that it’s a day that I struggle with now and I don’t want to have to be anything for anyone on these dates. I want to sit and remember and just feel what I need to. I also decided to take myself away – which is absolutely something we would have done together for a big anniversary like this one. I am in one of our favourite places, and somewhere I go often, watching the waves and the whales, and snorkelling with sea turtles.

It is calm and peaceful and I wish more than anything that Claytie was here with me x