Do what you feel is the right thing for you, but also don’t because other people need a bunch of stuff from you… but make sure you look after yourself, this is the time to figure out who you are… but don’t do it like that because it’s too different to how you were before. Why are you still sad? It’s been a long time now… but also, don’t be so quick to change it hasn’t been that long….

This year is 5 years since Claytie died. It feels really big and significant. So many things have happened and changed in that five years, and most of it feels surreal and unbelievable. The boys have had a whole lot of ups and downs and huge life changes. We have a whole new person in our world and another one coming. I have had a whole lot of changes too, and I thought I was doing ok. There isn’t a guide book on what it’s supposed to look like – I don’t have a clue, I’m just muddling along as best as I can… but then to be made to feel like it’s not good enough, that I should be better and so much more is really really hard.

Sooo many mixed messages coming from all kinds of directions… it’s hard to navigate how to feel about anything… or the even find the energy to try! I dont think people understand just how hard it can still be to get through a day sometimes or just how much effort it takes to pretend. … and then to be told that it’s not good enough or that you’re being selfish just pulls the ground right back out from underneath you.

I don’t know how to do this, or where I am supposed to pull the extra from. I don’t think people understand how much of my routine is a coping mechanism more than anything that I actually enjoy. The things that I do are a way of anchoring myself to some kind of reality. A lot of it is to escape, I know that… but I need the escape to be able to function. I’m doing my best for the boys, but I know that I can’t be everything that they need – I never have been. Claytie was always so much better at that than me… I was his support crew and now I have to run the show! I don’t know how!

I can’t be everything to everyone if I have nothing in myself to give. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in all directions and I can’t stretch any further. There is no bounce left in the elastic, and no more energy to put in. It’s all just too hard!

It also feels like I am not allowed to be sad anymore. That because I did repartner for a while, I should be over it. That the sad now is about the break up and not Claytie – when in reality it’s all tied in together.

I know I give other people too much power over my feelings. That I am too compliant… but I don’t know how to stand up for myself because conflict is hard and I don’t want to upset anyone else. I would rather carry that load by myself. I’ve always been the good girl, the one who doesn’t make trouble… and this all feels like a whole lot of trouble.

I need to make myself smaller – and bigger at the same time. Hide my feelings but make room for everyone else. The whole world sends mixed messages, and I do too! I go from feeling ok and in control right back to lost and devastated … and that can be in the space of half a day!

I hate this!