For some reason two am seems like the right time to write this week. Don’t you hate when you randomly wake up (usually to pee) and then the brain takes over and you’re wide awake! It just seems cruel!… anyway, apparently I have a whole lot of stuff rolling around in my head that needs to come out and is making sleep difficult!

Since my break up, and the self analysing that has come with it, I have been having a lot of conversations with different people about all of this stuff, and I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the last almost 5 years of my life. It has been a rollercoaster!

When Claytie died, my world stopped. It was so completely unexpected and confronting! I had no idea what to do and I couldn’t really see a way forward. I was lost and nothing in my life looked in any way the same. I knew that I didn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life – 46 was way too young for that, but I had no idea what to do, what anything would look like or how to make it happen.

The first 18 months to 2 years were a blur. There was all of the death admin to get through – the Funeral, notifications, changes to accounts, and all of the things that come when someone dies. Then I did a huge renovation of our house. Going back to work was a challenge too and took some getting used to. There were the boys to look after and had a whole lot of challenges to get through with them; and then there were changes with friendships and with Clayties family. Things were busy, but kind of contained to us.

Then came the crazy times…. And they really were! I hated being alone and the boys needed to do their own things to process their new lives without their dad. It was too soon to sit with my grief and let it happen and I didn’t know how to do that anyway. I was pissed off that I didn’t magically feel better. Surely enough time had passed, – the books and movies all imply that 12 months should be long enough- but I was still sad, angry, scared, confused and so very very lonely! My behaviour became kind of reckless in a whole lot of ways, and it was 100% escapism.

If I was busy with ‘fun stuff’ then I didn’t have to think as much about the reality of losing Claytie. Don’t get me wrong, that reality was always there (and still is) but I could leave it to the side a bit. There was a whole lot of middle finger raising ‘fuck off life’ kind of stuff that felt completely out of control. I don’t really regret any of that, – there are absolutely things that I won’t do again, but I think I needed to go through them to get to where I am now.

I was 17 when I met Claytie, and he was my whole entire world for the 28 years we had together. I was a conservative ‘library nerd’ growing up and never really did anything wild as a teenager – I was 21 when I had my first child, and then 3 more in quick succession! I never went out drinking or to nightclubs because I had Claytie and he had me. We didn’t need any of the other stuff!

A big part of my blow out and chaotic behaviour was to see what some of that ‘teenage’ stuff was like, but mostly it was testing myself and trying to figure out who I now was. Did I still have a place in the world, and would anyone actually like me!? It was both conscious and unconscious at the same time – I knew that I was being wild and reckless, and I knew that it was about escape, but I did it anyway just to feel something.

In all of the wildness, there were a couple of longer relationships that have taught me a whole lot about myself, and then there was D. When we met, it felt like I came back to myself – the wildness was over and I felt like I had found my feet again. I have no regrets about the escapist behaviours and chaotic stuff to get through my initial grief, but there was a huge relief in recognising myself again and feeling much more like I used to, and I know that it is not something I will do again.

These days, I feel like I am a very different person- so many things have changed, but I recognise my core and I really like myself again. I am proud of who and where I am now, and I know what things I am happy to accept and which things are no longer right for me. I’m still keeping myself busy, I love having things to do and look forward to, but now it is much more about enjoying my life and doing fun stuff with different people rather than escaping my world and running away from what is actually real. I am much better at sitting with my grief and acknowledging my feelings.

I don’t think that I am somehow magically all better – I know that’s not really possible, but I do feel stronger and more like myself. I feel like I am back in control. I have boundaries that feel good and I know that I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I’m much clearer about who I am and what I want (and don’t want) going forward – and I definitely dont feel like I need to escape my life anymore.